FreedomRing Posted September 23, 2009 Share Posted September 23, 2009 FreedomRing, you totally just said exactly how I feel about the texts. I don't mind being seen as a booty call but don't be sleazy about it. Yeah, that's wack. My fwb's with those kind of guys, didn't last long.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
greywolf Posted September 23, 2009 Share Posted September 23, 2009 Yep, and that's the way I feel about it too. That said, I am looking forward to good sex this weekend. It's just the texts after that I don't care for. Do you think this guy is doing it to ensure that I don't think he's "using me" and then running off? B/c his texts are always like "I have an erection" or something stupid like that. Not like "how are you? How are things? I hope you're well". I find that a little inappropriate. What does it matter if he has an erection? If it was a text that said something like, "I'm so hard for you" or "I want you so badly right now", that would be more understandable to me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hers Posted September 23, 2009 Author Share Posted September 23, 2009 Yea I'm gonna bring that up to him when I see him. I felt weird about it, like disrespected, but not enough to get mad but felt off about it you summed up the feelings I couldn't put into words. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KG Posted September 23, 2009 Share Posted September 23, 2009 Hers, I went without for 3 years, and know where you are coming from in the "needs" department. I hope you do what's right for you, and wish you the best. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
waveseer Posted September 23, 2009 Share Posted September 23, 2009 I find that a little inappropriate. What does it matter if he has an erection? If it was a text that said something like, "I'm so hard for you" or "I want you so badly right now", that would be more understandable to me. I'm pretty sure that's more or less what he meant but without any emotional attachment it comes of rather clinical. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hers Posted September 23, 2009 Author Share Posted September 23, 2009 I find that a little inappropriate. What does it matter if he has an erection? If it was a text that said something like, "I'm so hard for you" or "I want you so badly right now", that would be more understandable to me. i think that's to start off the "sexting" or something? I don't know. I don't want to have a phone sex relationship! That does nothing for me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
livinginsbi Posted September 23, 2009 Share Posted September 23, 2009 OK I adimittedly didn't read every post here.. but... like many things in life, the need and want for sex will ebb and flow. Right here, right now is how you feel for right here and right now.. that very well may change again in your life.. maybe even in a month or two... my point being... my mantra is never say never (not that you did) and to follow what your inner voice is saying to you and if you have clarity in your thinking, be true to what your heart is telling you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mr.mac Posted September 23, 2009 Share Posted September 23, 2009 Yea I know. I think it's all out of more or less boredom on my end, even though that stuff annoys me. I think I'll tell him this weekend when I see him that I don't like all the texts. Have you defined what is going on between the two of you or is just unspoken that it is sex and that's it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hers Posted September 23, 2009 Author Share Posted September 23, 2009 It's pretty much unspoken that it's just sex. That's what I'm assuming, anyway, since neither of us has made a motion to establish it as anything but. I get no feeling from him that he's interested in more from me, and i for one haven't given him any indication that i want more than that either. At this point I don't think any clarification is needed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mr.mac Posted September 23, 2009 Share Posted September 23, 2009 It's pretty much unspoken that it's just sex. That's what I'm assuming, anyway, since neither of us has made a motion to establish it as anything but. I get no feeling from him that he's interested in more from me, and i for one haven't given him any indication that i want more than that either. At this point I don't think any clarification is needed. I agree, but I don't really get why he keeps texting you. I know that I was more like you and very disinterested in "outside" communication. I wonder if he's confusing the sex as the start of a relationship. Or maybe you're the only one that he thinks would be interested in knowing that he has an erection. *shrugs shoulders* I think the clarification might be needed when you say that you don't want/like the texting. I'm curious what his response will be. It just seems like his level of attachment might be slightly more than yours. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hers Posted September 23, 2009 Author Share Posted September 23, 2009 If by attachment, you mean sexual attachment, then yeah, but i don't get any indication that he's into me more than i am in him, at least on a normal relationship level. I think he texts about sex stuff b/c what you said--how I may be the only one interested in his erection, haha. I don't know...he's sexy, attractive, very confident in almost an arrogant way...I don't see him as someone who goes without very long. When I asked him when I met him "Do you date much?" his response was, "I do, but no one wants to date me." I didn't ask for clarification. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mr.mac Posted September 23, 2009 Share Posted September 23, 2009 If by attachment, you mean sexual attachment, then yeah, but i don't get any indication that he's into me more than i am in him, at least on a normal relationship level. I think he texts about sex stuff b/c what you said--how I may be the only one interested in his erection, haha. I don't know...he's sexy, attractive, very confident in almost an arrogant way...I don't see him as someone who goes without very long. When I asked him when I met him "Do you date much?" his response was, "I do, but no one wants to date me." I didn't ask for clarification. ohhhh I would have liked clarification on that one. Anyway, we're supposed to be talking about you. I've read all of these posts and I can't really decide if you are over casual sex. Your responses DO scream out for someone looking for something, but settling for what you can get. I know you joked (maybe?) about therapy, but I don't think that is always the worst thing. This forum is a good therapy tool, but the real thing might not be horrible if you feel like you are still missing something. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hers Posted September 23, 2009 Author Share Posted September 23, 2009 Well, in terms of therapy, I was never able to get anything out of it. I've gone through a half a dozen therapists in 10 years and nothing stuck out for me. I joined Al-Anon (help for family and friends of alcoholics) and have discovered so many things about myself. Even this self-reflective (is that a word?) thread of mine is a result of the things I've learned about myself there. It's made me more aware of things and a lot less in denial about what I really go through. So I stick with that and am proud to be in such a program. I suppose I am settling for what I can get. Not for attention or to feel wanted, but just for physical gratification and nothing more, nothing less. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mr.mac Posted September 23, 2009 Share Posted September 23, 2009 I went through Al-Anon, also, for the same reasons that you listed and that can be very helpful. You, earlier, made an interesting comment about storing the sex up or whatever. I never really thought about that before, but I wonder if that works to an extent. Like, maybe the more you get from this guy the less you'll want this type of sex and the more you'll want more emotionally fulfilling sex. I don't know... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catdancer Posted September 23, 2009 Share Posted September 23, 2009 Mehgan, you really need to at least set up boundaries and ground rules with this guy. Even a FWB relaitonship needs to have boundaries. For example...limited texts and calls. I think that you both should clarify what you want out of each other. And then keep in mind that it may change as you get to know each other a little better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hers Posted September 23, 2009 Author Share Posted September 23, 2009 Hm, interesting perspective. For me though about the stocking up, it's more of a mental time line of sorts...it's been x number of months since I've had sex. I can't let it get above my maximum number of months. It's liek I'm in competition with my past self. I have no idea why I do that. So far 10 months (my most recent dry spell) has been the longest time. I don't want to get higher than that. It's incredibly stupid and illogical but that's what I meant about "stocking up". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hers Posted September 23, 2009 Author Share Posted September 23, 2009 Mehgan, you really need to at least set up boundaries and ground rules with this guy. Even a FWB relaitonship needs to have boundaries. For example...limited texts and calls. I think that you both should clarify what you want out of each other. And then keep in mind that it may change as you get to know each other a little better. I agree that's what's needed. How does one go about setting those boundaries? I've always felt like FWB is sort of a no-holds-barred kind of thing, like anything goes so there's no need for boundaries. But at the same time, I always feel more inhibited (less? I'm not sure which one is the right word to use) around FWB, like I don't feel as comfortable aroudn them as I woudl with someone in a relationship. So I feel more awkward in my conversation with them, want to keep sex less down and dirty, etc. Like they just aren't the most comfortable thing for me b/c I literally just want the penis and to go. I don't want to think about anything else, don't want to think about conversation, don't want to think about what my body looks like (even though I do). Just want the sex and go. If it's a continuous meetup, I'll feel more into it, but if it's just a one-time or a few-times thing, I'm pretty inhibited (hibited? Someone help me out here wiht word choice). As for getting to know each other better, when we last had sex, we went to grab a bite to eat before round two. It was sooo awkward for me. I didn't know how to talk to him! He tried to get me to engage in conversation but I didn't like the pressure of having to talk to someone when my face was just buried in his crotch. I'm not even sure he knows my last name. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mr.mac Posted September 23, 2009 Share Posted September 23, 2009 I get what you are saying there and you're right...totally illogical, but I get it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mr.mac Posted September 23, 2009 Share Posted September 23, 2009 He tried to get me to engage in conversation but I didn't like the pressure of having to talk to someone when my face was just buried in his crotch. Whoa! How do you survive in a relationship? That's not meant to be mean, just wondering how you would function in this situation with a real boyfriend? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hers Posted September 23, 2009 Author Share Posted September 23, 2009 Whoa! How do you survive in a relationship? That's not meant to be mean, just wondering how you would function in this situation with a real boyfriend? in relationships I'm much more open and laid back. I can handle being comfortable with someone I just had sex with if there's mroe to it than sex. I guess I feel like the conversation is unnecessary b/c we're jsut having sex. We don't need to know about each other, right? Like I constantly feel like I need to save them the trouble or something. I don't want it to be forced or fake. Like is he really interested in stuff about me or is he just trying to be nice? In a relationship, tehy're actually interested and I know as much. With a FWB, how do you really know? Ugh, I never really thought I was very insecure till I re-read what I just wrote... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
waveseer Posted September 23, 2009 Share Posted September 23, 2009 Is it possible you like to keep your distance and feel uncomfortable because you are afraid of developing feelings? Not for this man in particular, but for this situation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catdancer Posted September 23, 2009 Share Posted September 23, 2009 It sounds like he is comfortable with you and happy to be with you. I would start something like this: (also text this to him. it's easier to do by text when you're nervous or embarassed) Hey, I'm jealous that you seem so comfortable with me and I feel a little weird. lol I like hanging out with you and the sex is great, I just get a little uncomfortable afterwards. I know it sounds silly, but I cant help it. I dont mind your texts, but I'm really not into phone or text sex, I prefer the real thing, so the sexy texts dont turn me on. Seeing you turns me on!! You're a hottie!! I'm not exactly sure what I want from you, but I do know that I enjoy the sex and being with you. This makes me curious as to what you want from me?? Would something like this work?? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hers Posted September 23, 2009 Author Share Posted September 23, 2009 Is it possible you like to keep your distance and feel uncomfortable because you are afraid of developing feelings? Not for this man in particular, but for this situation. no, not really. b/c like i said earlier, when i make my mind up about someone, it sort of sticks. like i said to mr. mac, I think it's b/c i feel like it's fake on their part to want to get to know me. if sex is available to them, what else is needed, ya know? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
waveseer Posted September 23, 2009 Share Posted September 23, 2009 no, not really. b/c like i said earlier, when i make my mind up about someone, it sort of sticks. like i said to mr. mac, I think it's b/c i feel like it's fake on their part to want to get to know me. if sex is available to them, what else is needed, ya know? Some guys are really uncomfortable in fwb's because they are worried their partner will grow attached, is that it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted September 23, 2009 Share Posted September 23, 2009 I think one way to go about setting boundaries is to accept that this is not about friends or benefits - it's about having a (perceived) need to have a penis inside of you met. That's all. From that perspective, you can set more realistic boundaries since it has nothing to do with a friendship or "benefits" (well yes it is a benefit to you to have his penis inside of you but sugar-coating it (the act, not the penis, lol) avoids clarity. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.