waveseer Posted September 22, 2009 Share Posted September 22, 2009 I don't know that I can answer that. I'd probably want to live alone just because I can financially afford to now, and I like having my space and peace. It really sounds like you'd rather be without him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
waveseer Posted September 22, 2009 Share Posted September 22, 2009 I don't know that I can answer that. I'd probably want to live alone just because I can financially afford to now, and I like having my space and peace. I think you'd rather live without him in your home. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hexaemeron Posted September 22, 2009 Author Share Posted September 22, 2009 I think you'd rather live without him in your home. Yeah, but after 3 years of living together and almost 4 years total in the relationship, even if he could afford to live on his own (he really can't here), that would be a relationship killer for him, I'm sure. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
waveseer Posted September 22, 2009 Share Posted September 22, 2009 Yeah, but after 3 years of living together and almost 4 years total in the relationship, even if he could afford to live on his own (he really can't here), that would be a relationship killer for him, I'm sure. If you aren't married then you are under no obligation to support him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hexaemeron Posted September 22, 2009 Author Share Posted September 22, 2009 If you aren't married then you are under no obligation to support him. Old habits die hard, I suppose. I feel responsible for him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
waveseer Posted September 22, 2009 Share Posted September 22, 2009 Old habits die hard, I suppose. I feel responsible for him. Have you ever heard of the victim, rescuer, persecutor triangle? In it each person takes on the various roles and they just keep going around and around until one person's had enough. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hexaemeron Posted September 22, 2009 Author Share Posted September 22, 2009 Have you ever heard of the victim, rescuer, persecutor triangle? In it each person takes on the various roles and they just keep going around and around until one person's had enough. Wow, apparently our apartment has been the damn community playhouse for years. That's really... close to home. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
waveseer Posted September 22, 2009 Share Posted September 22, 2009 Wow, apparently our apartment has been the damn community playhouse for years. That's really... close to home. Since you hold the purse strings you are more likely to grow weary of the play first. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hexaemeron Posted September 22, 2009 Author Share Posted September 22, 2009 Since you hold the purse strings you are more likely to grow weary of the play first. Yeah, arguments usually go something like: Me: "I've spent over 45 thousand dollars of my own money, given up everything that made my life fun or happy for this relationship, and all you can do is act like a total ___________. And nothing I do is ever enough for you. You're a total ingrate!" Him: "All you ever think about is money and what you gave up! There is so little affection from you I don't know if you're a guy or a stone. You used to be so warm and affectionate and caring and now you're just an ________." And around... and around... and around... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
waveseer Posted September 22, 2009 Share Posted September 22, 2009 Yeah, arguments usually go something like: Me: "I've spent over 45 thousand dollars of my own money, given up everything that made my life fun or happy for this relationship, and all you can do is act like a total ___________. And nothing I do is ever enough for you. You're a total ingrate!" Him: "All you ever think about is money and what you gave up! There is so little affection from you I don't know if you're a guy or a stone. You used to be so warm and affectionate and caring and now you're just an ________." And around... and around... and around... I am very familiar from my family of origin. I was careful not to repeat the verbiage in my marriage, but the pattern was still there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Speranza Posted September 22, 2009 Share Posted September 22, 2009 The only way you would be a fool here would be if you didn't learn from it. You can't spot a pattern until it IS a pattern, so how could you know this relationship was going to go like the one before? I think possibly one thing I'm hearing from what you're saying is that in the past you have let things ride for years, maybe cos you don't like conflict? Whereas now you know how your relationships tend to go, you can work on spotting signs really early and getting in before they go bad. For example: You don't need to be in relationships where one person ''has to' support the other financially. (I put 'has to' because of course that's always a choice, nobody can make you). The slightly less pleasant way to look at being a Rescuer (been one!) is that you are controlling others by making them dependent. I imagine with Asperger's, it is easier for you to function well if you can predict how things will go, and if you take a lot of control, that becomes easier. However, it's not really loving to put someone in a role which ultimately means you will grow to be very angry and resentful of them. If you are asking how this looks from the outside, I'd say it looks pretty much over. You may have difficulty gauging that because of the Asperger's, and rightly are checking it out with us. But honestly, I think most people would be looking for the exit right now. Just my opinion... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hexaemeron Posted September 22, 2009 Author Share Posted September 22, 2009 I mean, I don't want you to think he's awful or anything. He WAS for a long time. Some of that because of the relationship and some very tragic things that happened in his family. He's actually relaxed considerably, but he's still way more judgmental than I'm strictly comfortable with. I just... I don't know... I wish I could split myself down the middle and half goes with him to figure things out and the other half goes back into the world, excited and ready to experience new things. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Speranza Posted September 22, 2009 Share Posted September 22, 2009 I think that feeling you describe is simply about the relationship having run its course. Almost regardless of anything else that's happened within it (or maybe because). That feeling isn't even resentment, it's wanting to go off alone. One of my daughter's friends reached this point. She loved her guy very much still, and was really sad but - she couldn't shake this need to go off and do new things. She found it really hard, but she doesn't regret it - and he's fine. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hexaemeron Posted September 22, 2009 Author Share Posted September 22, 2009 You are right that I do find it easier to think everything out before hand and then act. I'm a very pragmatic and organized person. I don't know how I could make him dependent though. He moved here to be with me because I had a stable job (He had just lost his) and made more money. From them on, he says that in three years, he couldn't even find fast food work. He says he did the best he could. I believe he did the best he could (as far as applying for jobs that wouldn't cost what was left of his ego or pride), but it was easier to play World of Warcraft all day and then drink all night. I was run ragged doing all the heavy lifting that I just didn't have the energy to "inspire him", since he said he needed to be inspired to do the things in his life he needed to do anyway. I was expecting a partner and got a foster child. And an unruly one at that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
greywolf Posted September 22, 2009 Share Posted September 22, 2009 Old habits die hard, I suppose. I feel responsible for him. Hex, I know what it feels like to take care of your partner. I suppose my outlook on this is a bit jaded. My ex went through depression in our relationship. It was not easy hearing her tell me how she didn't want to live anymore and she depended heavily on me for emotional support. I actually became depressed myself from having to take care of her all the time. She began getting better and I was happy for her. It was nice seeing her happy again. Then she broke up with me lol. I honestly think that when you enter into a 'caretaker' relationship with somebody, you are disposable as soon as they don't need you anymore. But like I said, I am jaded. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hexaemeron Posted September 22, 2009 Author Share Posted September 22, 2009 Hex, I know what it feels like to take care of your partner. I suppose my outlook on this is a bit jaded. My ex went through depression in our relationship. It was not easy hearing her tell me how she didn't want to live anymore and she depended heavily on me for emotional support. I actually became depressed myself from having to take care of her all the time. She began getting better and I was happy for her. It was nice seeing her happy again. Then she broke up with me lol. I honestly think that when you enter into a 'caretaker' relationship with somebody, you are disposable as soon as they don't need you anymore. But like I said, I am jaded. I don't think it's quite the same dynamic here. I 100% believe that he loves me genuinely and wants the opportunity to make it right, which is why I'm going through counseling and such with him. I just don't know if it's too little, too late. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NightLily Posted September 22, 2009 Share Posted September 22, 2009 I don't think it's quite the same dynamic here. I 100% believe that he loves me genuinely and wants the opportunity to make it right, which is why I'm going through counseling and such with him. I just don't know if it's too little, too late. Perhaps I am confused, but if you feel no sexual attraction towards him then how is this a romantic relationship? Wouldn't you just love him as a dear friend and then move on? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vertigoxo Posted September 22, 2009 Share Posted September 22, 2009 The relationship has run it's course and you're done with him. It's time to break up and move on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
greywolf Posted September 22, 2009 Share Posted September 22, 2009 I don't think it's quite the same dynamic here. I 100% believe that he loves me genuinely and wants the opportunity to make it right, which is why I'm going through counseling and such with him. I just don't know if it's too little, too late. The only way I see this working out, as corny as it sounds, is through forgiveness. You have to accept that your partner is only human and that he makes mistakes. It's easy to realize that in your head, but actually feeling it is another story. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hexaemeron Posted September 22, 2009 Author Share Posted September 22, 2009 Perhaps I am confused, but if you feel no sexual attraction towards him then how is this a romantic relationship? Wouldn't you just love him as a dear friend and then move on? I guess I wanted to at least explore the possibility that the relationship could be repaired. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hexaemeron Posted September 22, 2009 Author Share Posted September 22, 2009 The only way I see this working out, as corny as it sounds, is through forgiveness. You have to accept that your partner is only human and that he makes mistakes. It's easy to realize that in your head, but actually feeling it is another story. I'm trying to find out how to do that in counseling. I can't let it go as I am now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cognitive_Canine Posted September 22, 2009 Share Posted September 22, 2009 Let's see... He gained a very considerable amount of weight. He's not being patient with your ejaculation and putting pressure on you for it. He's put you under a lot of stress by making you the sole bread winner I'd say I'd be pretty fed up too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NightLily Posted September 22, 2009 Share Posted September 22, 2009 I guess I wanted to at least explore the possibility that the relationship could be repaired. But why do you want to fix it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hexaemeron Posted September 22, 2009 Author Share Posted September 22, 2009 But why do you want to fix it? Because I have to accept the possibility that even though I feel a certain way right now, I could be wrong. I could close the door on this person and find out later that I could have been happy with him eventually and he with me. I just want to make sure before I decide either way, I understand the choice and fully believe in what I'm choosing to do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Speranza Posted September 22, 2009 Share Posted September 22, 2009 How would you find that out later? I have a similar situation right now. I was very near to loving this guy I think... I still care for him. Yet we broke up for reasons of incompatibilty and I know this would have remained the same. I still torment myself with what-ifs? but the truth is, it wasn't working. It's almost immaterial whether it COULD have or MIGHT have worked. It didn't. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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