Double J Posted September 20, 2009 Share Posted September 20, 2009 Long story short: My girlfriend's mom never learned how to drive, so she is reliant on my g/f to help her get around. My girlfriend's mom's husband (whom the mom works with) would be the one to drive the mom around from time to time, but given his recent health issues, he isn't as mobile as before, thus exascerbating the problem. The mom can't depend on my g/f's three older brothers; their excuses are that they work and have kids. Since my g/f doesn't have kids and still lives with her mom, she is suckered into helping her mom do all the errands. Everytime my g/f and her mom go out together, my g/f tells me it'll only take an hour, but it ends up taking 4-6 or more. It happened today. I woke up at 11 a.m. and couldn't end up seeing her until 5 p.m. I asked my g/f why she simply can't drop her off and pick her up once she's done. My g/f's reply: "My mom wouldn't want me to leave her alone." I've been feeling concerned and frustrated of late. Because of my g/f's dad's condition, it seems the mom is going to be more dependent on her than ever before. My g/f told me this might extend into our married days as well, because her mom might still need her for stuff. (She even spoke of having her move in with us one day --ahh!) I feel like this is driving a wedge into our relationship. I think my frustration is warranted; who would want to wait until a Saturday evening to see their special someone? I told my g/f that I was going to get into the habit of making plans with friends should I learn that she was going out with her mom. I'm just tired of spending so many hours waiting when I know I could be out and about doing other stuff. My preference, of course, is to spend time with her -- that's why this has upset me a lot lately -- but if I can't be with her, I might as well take advantage of the time to hang out with my buddies. She didn't take too kindly to the idea, because she worries that there might be occasions where she finishes early and can't see me because I have already set off. Any advice?? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cognitive_Canine Posted September 20, 2009 Share Posted September 20, 2009 Why won't the mother just get a driver's license? Have you asked your girlfriend? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DrKitten Posted September 20, 2009 Share Posted September 20, 2009 Is her mom an elderly lady? If so, that would be a pretty big concern for her to be left alone for several hours. If she's a fairly able-bodied and able-minded woman, then talk to your GF and see where you can compromise. Can her mom get a cell phone if she doesn't already and call your GF when she needs her? Can she ever talk public transportation? It sucks to not have as much time with her, but do try to be understanding of the situation. Health issues in the family are heavy stuff and you should be sensitive to that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Double J Posted September 20, 2009 Author Share Posted September 20, 2009 She just never learned, and at her age she feels she's too old to learn. She's in her mid 50s. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DrKitten Posted September 20, 2009 Share Posted September 20, 2009 My mom can't drive because of a sight disability. She has depended on my brother and I for rides to work sometimes, but mostly my dad. When their schedules conflict, she takes the bus. Luckily she's sharp and independent and has no problems being on her own to get somewhere. She's also only asked my brother and I at our convenience and was fine taking public transportation if we made other plans. See if your GF will talk to her mom. If she can see and get around on her own, there are other ways of moving besides driving. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cognitive_Canine Posted September 20, 2009 Share Posted September 20, 2009 If there is nothing keeping her mother from driving, other than her inability to be independent, then she needs to get a license and your girlfriend needs to learn to say "no" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bella20 Posted September 20, 2009 Share Posted September 20, 2009 So are you supposed to just stay around waiting for her call instead of hanging out with your friends? I think your girlfriend is being very inconsiderate. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kumatora Posted September 20, 2009 Share Posted September 20, 2009 Oh my gosh! I had this exact problem before with my boyfriend, but the reason behind it was a cultural issue. My boyfriend was a Filipino immigrant and was treated like the family chore boy because it was him, his mother, and father who had driver's licenses. His other family members didn't. His aunt, who lived with him and his family, didn't own a car and expected him to cut our dates short on WEEKEND NIGHTS and pick her up from work. Even when we used to live closer together, he had to run from my house to her work, which was 45 minutes away to go pick her up at 11 pm. We couldn't catch a late-night movie or have him stay over at my place- he had a curfew just to help family members out. She never got her driver's license. His younger brother too had to be taken to night school and couldn't get a driver's license because he had a mental and physical disability. I really feel you on this and absolutely sympathize with you. Howe we finally got around it was when he moved out for school and he isn't available because he has medical internship and upcoming certification tests- only once a month he pick the aunt up, and the brother takes a transit bus to school now. I've been feeling concerned and frustrated of late. Because of my g/f's dad's condition, it seems the mom is going to be more dependent on her than ever before. My g/f told me this might extend into our married days as well, because her mom might still need her for stuff. (She even spoke of having her move in with us one day --ahh!) Yea... big red sign and you are already feeling it. I wouldn't put up with this either. She made it clear that she is not going to have her life with you and include family into it. I disagree- she has to live her own life at some point, but she may or cannot because it's probably cultural. The only way she is going to break her ties is if you both live far away from her parents. However, she has to come to that agreement with you. If she refuses, then you are going to be stuck helping her cater to her parents and NEVER have separate, private lives together. Clearly this isn't what you want. OP, I am really sad for you.. if you don't see a future with this girl, it's time to go. You have to be with someone who you will be happy with and if this doesn't, then this is not the kind of relationship for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mca1975 Posted September 21, 2009 Share Posted September 21, 2009 Yes, the family tie and guilt trips are a very hard thing to break or interfere with. I doubt your girlfriend will ever choose to leave her mum hanging, she will feel too guilty. It is the mother's fault being too dependant and selfish. She knows she can get away with it, but until your GF tells her, I doubt it will change. I guess your GF will have to say no sometimes, but not always. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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