Why do our exes miss us......

[BlueRizla]

Lonewing.. I did something similar to your ex. I cut the honeymoon period short as I introduced self doubt into the relationship. I knew before I went into it that I wasn't completely healthy. Even though I had spent the previous two yrs single on purpose, I had to deal with death and cancer in my family and the insecurity that comes with a failed 5 yr relationship with a bpd bipolar ex. I felt like I had deceived her and not let her in fully and been somewhat selfish in letting her fall for me. I felt guilty to a certain extent. Maybe your ex did too. This stuck the boot into my self esteem. I gave alot but her unavailability due to her own past issues frightened me and I withdrew. She says she is cautious. hmm.

 

Though do you not try anyway and maybe hope that this one will help you to move on from those doubts? Love is a great healer after all.

 

In the end I did not bail on her. I stayed committed hoping to find a way out of our mess, though I also knew I needed time to work on some issues away from it. I was damned if I do, damned if I don't. Fear on both sides was a major factor and neither of us were talking as the intimacy had diminished with our respective withdrawls. Sadly she was already planning to finish it but did so in a passive aggressive way by flipping one night and that was that... while I was thinking things were actually improving. It was her commitment that was actually lacking even though she blamed me for the demise of us.

 

I feel she would be looking for the qualities you want in your last paragraph..and while I possess all these and they almost evident when I met her or she saw the potential, the relationship ate away at them. At the time we finished there was no way I could relate to any of them due to the issues I had to deal with and the shattering of myself esteem. None of this would have come out unless I was in a relationship, so its a bitter pill to swallow. She would say she has those qualities and wants them in her partner. While I would agree, the one thing she lacks is the bravery to truly look inside at her own pain and see her contribution to what happened. That is a deal breaker for me considering how much therapy I have had in the past. It was just not going to work at this time in my life with this woman for that fundamental reason. She was not 'committed' to feeling her own pain whereas I was committed and had been for some time, to getting right to the root of mine.

 

Even though I have made efforts to make amends for my part until she develops some accountability it will never go anywhere. I don't even think I wanted to reconcile as such. I wanted the chance to have a proper face to face and to see if she was going to work on any of her 'stuff'.. which was futile exercise really. All the while she was telling me how much she missed me while laying all the blame firmly at my door and I took it as my self esteem didn't seem to allow for anything else at the time.. Stumped!

[BriarRose]

I don't know why they say they miss you, etc. Probably because they do. Mine never say that. They just exit my life. I think it's actually more healing to feel that they miss you/care about you and/or love you as opposed to when you just stop hearing from them or they ignore your contact.

[Lonewing]

Misskitty, it's like hearing them say they can't have what they could have if they simply said "please come home and never leave agin." Because believe me, even after everything she has ever done to me, if she called me up tonight and said that, I would take her heart back.

 

Hearing they miss you but can't be with you is an exercise of sheer mental frustration. Aggravation. Depression. It breaks your heart.

[BlueRizla]

 

Hearing they miss you but can't be with you is an exercise of sheer mental frustration. Aggravation. Depression. It breaks your heart.

 

Ditto. In the same sentence as ''You aggravated the **** out of me sometimes''....??!!!

 

Really..? You cant be missing me that much then.

[quirky]

Hearing they miss you but can't be with you is an exercise of sheer mental frustration. Aggravation. Depression. It breaks your heart.

 

Exactly. It actually makes it harder to let go cos you think there's always hope. But you feel powerless.

[waveseer]

Exactly. It actually makes it harder to let go cos you think there's always hope. But you feel powerless.

 

I third this sentiment and was reminded today of how I went off on my ex when he told me he missed me. Sorry guy, I know you were just trying to share your feelings with me.

[longdist]

I don't know why they say they miss you, etc. Probably because they do. Mine never say that. They just exit my life. I think it's actually more healing to feel that they miss you/care about you and/or love you as opposed to when you just stop hearing from them or they ignore your contact.

You don't know what your ex feels Misskitty. I can't say whether it is worse to hear that they miss you or not. I want to know that my ex felt something and our relationship wasn't a total sham. Unfortunately, I'm in the boat w/ Misskitty. I actually feel like it would be easier for me if my ex told me that she missed me, but just couldn't be with me, as frustrating as that could be. I think it can be equally frustrating to wonder how your ex doesn't miss you and why they don't have residual feelings after spending so much meaningful time together.

[Lonewing]

Exactly. It actually makes it harder to let go cos you think there's always hope. But you feel powerless.

 

Correction - You ARE powerless.

 

You're also probably the dumpee.

So double powerless.

 

The only way to take back the power is to cross that person out of your life and take away what ever satisfaction you were bringing them in theirs.

[Lonewing]

You don't know what your ex feels Misskitty. I can't say whether it is worse to hear that they miss you or not. I want to know that my ex felt something and our relationship wasn't a total sham. Unfortunately, I'm in the boat w/ Misskitty. I actually feel like it would be easier for me if my ex told me that she missed me, but just couldn't be with me, as frustrating as that could be. I think it can be equally frustrating to wonder how your ex doesn't miss you and why they don't have residual feelings after spending so much meaningful time together.

 

Every time my ex did this, we ended up getting back together becasue we couldn't bear hurting ourselves or each other any further.

 

This time she recognized what she wanted an enforced her distance with me to help me heal.

[BriarRose]

You don't know what your ex feels Misskitty. I can't say whether it is worse to hear that they miss you or not. I want to know that my ex felt something and our relationship wasn't a total sham. Unfortunately, I'm in the boat w/ Misskitty. I actually feel like it would be easier for me if my ex told me that she missed me, but just couldn't be with me, as frustrating as that could be. I think it can be equally frustrating to wonder how your ex doesn't miss you and why they don't have residual feelings after spending so much meaningful time together

...

Exactly. If it's going to hurt either way, I at least want to know I am missed or at least not forgotten. When they just cut ties with you, it's hard to feel like you meant much to them.

[quirky]

Every time my ex did this, we ended up getting back together becasue we couldn't bear hurting ourselves or each other any further.

 

This time she recognized what she wanted an enforced her distance with me to help me heal.

 

that's exactly what happened to me, I'm like your ex. Though I didn't reinforce the distance for him but for myself. I'm the dumper but I kinda had no choice but to leave.

 

What truly baffles me is that love is not enough.

[Mustachio]

that's exactly what happened to me, I'm like your ex. Though I didn't reinforce the distance for him but for myself. I'm the dumper but I kinda had no choice but to leave.

 

What truly baffles me is that love is not enough.

 

Ive felt the same way at times, I always thought if there is love than anything can work. One of the problems with that I guess is that you can never truly understand what the other person is feeling. And as I have seen with myself and others, it still requires work, and unless both people are willing to put the work in then it wont matter.

 

Also perhaps each persons perception of what love actually is, is quite different, which could certainly cause problems

[quirky]

Also perhaps each persons perception of what love actually is, is quite different, which could certainly cause problems

 

this is spot on. You can be very different people but if you perceive "love" the same way you're on to a winner. This has a lot to do with your upbringing, family influences. Also with how open, strong and self aware you are. Many people believe in the idea rather than the reality of love.

[Amberelise]

I wish my ex missed me. I want to hear from him. I want to know that this is as hard for him as it is for me. I want to know that he wasn't out there fooling me all this time; that he really had these feelings. I wish I could hear from him.

[Brownstone322]

Basically I'm saying that we've all felt the first stages of love that come at the start but a lot of us haven't felt the other stages that come as the years go by, so maybe we associate being "in-love" with what we know love to be at the beginning of a relationship and then when it becomes another level of love that is new to us, we think "Well....this isn't what I've felt with everyone else I've loved....I must not be in love anymore" and then we split.

 

I'd be interested to get Brownstone322 and other ENA'rs that have had really long relationships involved in this and see what they think.

My ex and I were together for 19 years, and I can describe my experience -- our "cycle of love," if you will -- but I'm not sure if it will provide any insight to anyone or not. (Time periods are estimates, but not far off.)

 

 

Years 1-2: Honeymoon. Like most couples, we went through a definite "honeymoon" period (in our case, arguably a long one) during which were enamored with one another and couldn't get enough of one another. It's hard to explain how smitten we were then, but I suppose that phase is perfectly normal (although the lengths of honeymoons will vary, of course). We did not live together during that period.

 

Years 3-6: Plateau. For the next several years, we went through a "plateau phase" during which we were happy, in love, having awesome sex, but beyond infatuation. This was a good period, on balance, although she admitted later that she had doubts about my commitment. (I'm prone to bouts of aloofness.) Significantly, she experienced a family tragedy during this time (death of a teenage brother in an auto accident) that, in effect, brought us closer together. Still weren't living together.

 

Years 7-10: Extended Lull. I've never described this here before, but we went through a middle period of distancing, both physically and emotionally. For much of this period, we lived in separate cities an hour's drive apart and saw each other only on weekends. We even discussed splitting during this phase (and sometimes I still wish we had). These weren't our best years. This is also the same period where the ex's much-younger sister reached adulthood and established a presence in our relationship that remains significant to this day.

 

Years 11-13: Renaissance. For reasons I can't fully explain, our relationship rebounded. My ex actually moved out from with her sister and moved in with me (then in the same location, obviously). I was actually proud of myself that, after some 12 years, I was completely in love with this girl and found her wildly attractive. Great sex.

 

Years 14-19: Long, Slow Decline. We moved in late-2002 to the city we're in now, and, gradually, bickering and selfishness (not new to our relationship) began to take over. We were still in love, but the "net value" of our relationship was shifting -- over time, it wasn't so clear if the "goods" were still outweighing the "bads." Big decline in sexual activity too, which I know now was a building insult to her. Again we talked on occasion about separation.

 

2009: Crash and Burn. Christmas 2008 was fine, but within a month it was if a switch had flipped in her head -- she wanted out, she wanted to be on her own, and it wasn't up for negotiation. She left the door open for reconnection (and continues to do so), but our relationship had collapsed under the weight of mutual disrespect. Limbo ensued.

 

 

What are we to make of all that? I know now (and had known for a while, to be honest) that I needed the separation. For me it's been an ironic godsend -- now I realize how much I really love this girl (I'd had doubts over the years), and I think I know how to fix or cope with our mutual issues, some of which remain relevant. What she thinks, however, and how long it might take her to reach parallel conclusions, are other matters. I do know this: Long-term relationships are roller-coasters, and periods of bliss will be balanced by periods of crisis.

 

That's my synopsis. Please make of it what you will.

[johnnyp]

Thanks Brownstone. That's really great to read. I feel the same way about my breakup being a godsend that gave me insight I never would've had if I'd stayed in the relationship....sometimes getting dumped can be exactly what we need and it may one day prove to be what brings our exes back.

 

Time will tell.

[longdist]

Thanks Brownstone. That's really great to read. I feel the same way about my breakup being a godsend that gave me insight I never would've had if I'd stayed in the relationship....sometimes getting dumped can be exactly what we need and it may one day prove to be what brings our exes back.

 

Time will tell.

 

I concur and great post Brownstone. It's nice to see the timeline for other relationships.

[stabilo]

Thought I'd post my story coz it goes along with the general gist of this thread...we were together for 2 years; both each other's first love...

 

Years 1-2: Honeymoon. You couldn't separate us. Not for a day. 'Get a room' people would shout as we walked past them. Went to some magical places, did some magical things.

 

Break up! She told me on breaking up, it was the best 2 years of her life...but we were becoming like an old couple (how can someone who falls asleep at 9.00pm accuse their partner of being boring!!!). Either way, even if I was, which I wasn't, I guess some girls really are chasing rainbows. Well done Hollywood. You ruined my life!

[Lonewing]

I don't know why they say they miss you, etc. Probably because they do. Mine never say that. They just exit my life. I think it's actually more healing to feel that they miss you/care about you and/or love you as opposed to when you just stop hearing from them or they ignore your contact.

 

I understand it now....

 

They say they miss you because...

 

they really do miss you - they miss you loving THEM!!!

 

But they don't miss YOU!

 

Food for thought!

[MnSnR]

I understand it now....

 

They say they miss you because...

 

they really do miss you - they miss you loving THEM!!!

 

But they don't miss YOU!

 

Food for thought!

 

Hmm yeah you're probably right on that one. My ex only started saying how much he'd missed me when I turned cold on him and he thought I didn't care anymore. Hard to accept but true.

[johnnyp]

It's such a shame that there's sometimes so much negativity, pessimism and hard feelings here at ENA when they maybe doesn't need to be. We all hurt hard when we get dumped (I know I sure did) but I don't think we need to make it harder on ourselves by making negative and hurtful assumptions (and that's all they are....assumptions) about why our exes miss us.

 

Just be happy that you were special enough to them for them to miss you and then in your heart wish them all the best for their future happiness and move on in the knowledge that you meant something very special to them once and that you mean something very special to YOURSELF right now and that you may mean something very special to someone else tomorrow. Don't waste any time assuming they're just missing you because they're selfish....you're not giving yourself the credit you deserve and you'll never know for sure so why not just believe that they really do miss you for amazing person you are?

 

Just because they miss us when we stop showering them with attention and love and we truly do start to move on without them doesn't have to mean that they are selfish and have only ever been using us.....it could just as easily mean that they truly did and do love us and were just too lost in their own problems to realise it until it was gone.

 

Take it from someone that has been on both sides and has gone through the whole gamut of pain and confusion and finally got to the point of peaceful acceptance. My old posts are still here at ENA showing the messy, painful and very worthwhile journey and I'm sure my first posts are not nearly as positive as my last, but that's the proof that all the breakup pain will pass. It just takes time.