quirky Posted September 20, 2009 Share Posted September 20, 2009 Somewhere along the line I guess they feel that no matter how much they love us, they can't make that commitment. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnnyp Posted September 20, 2009 Author Share Posted September 20, 2009 So, what's that all about then? What are they looking for in a partner if deep love isn't enough to make them want to commit? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
quirky Posted September 20, 2009 Share Posted September 20, 2009 I'm honestly baffled myself, I will never understand. I assume just a "feeling", maybe intuition. They just know they can't give us what we want. all these beautiful words need to materialise into actions (which is where the commitment comes) Also in my case the spark never went, he said I was his ideal lookswise. I'll never understand. But I do understand that actions speak much louder than words. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ebik Posted September 21, 2009 Share Posted September 21, 2009 She probably thinks you are a great guy, that you are amazing and misses the hell outta you and what you both had but deep down knows that its just not going to work out. Woman do have a different way of thinking than males. More instinct, intuition, etc. We feel feelings differently to men. Once that spark is gone, contrary to what others say, you cant get it back! you can try, but it will never be the way it once was and ultimatly your proabably just postponing the inevitable. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lonewing Posted September 21, 2009 Share Posted September 21, 2009 If you choose to use your feelings to guide your commitments, rather tean your commitments to guide your feeligns, then yes, once that spark is dead, it will never be again. That is YOUR choice. Either you control your emotions or you will be controlled by them and everyone around you will get hurt. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ebik Posted September 21, 2009 Share Posted September 21, 2009 i think your ex is gonna fail in finding that endless honeymoon phase...cause no one in this world has a honeymoon phase of 10 years just look around you...i fear thats why theres so much divorces cause people are always looking for the honeymoon phases they had in the beginning, they wanna always be falling in love instead growing more in love with each other through trials, tribulations and celebrations of getting through it together. you'll get over her man...in time maybe when you arent growing together anymore, not growing more in love, but drifting further apart is when the relationship is at it expiry date! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lonewing Posted September 21, 2009 Share Posted September 21, 2009 Maybe it just means one or both of you have no idea what "Commitment" means... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ebik Posted September 21, 2009 Share Posted September 21, 2009 If you choose to use your feelings to guide your commitments, rather tean your commitments to guide your feeligns, then yes, once that spark is dead, it will never be again. That is YOUR choice. Either you control your emotions or you will be controlled by them and everyone around you will get hurt. relationships, and love.. or more so.. life in general is ran by emotions! the reason for this is because we are human! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ebik Posted September 21, 2009 Share Posted September 21, 2009 Maybe it just means one or both of you have no idea what "Commitment" means... i would agree with this.. you have to both be on the same level, and want the same thing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lonewing Posted September 21, 2009 Share Posted September 21, 2009 relationships, and love.. or more so.. life in general is ran by emotions! the reason for this is because we are human! Life run by emotion only ends in disaster!!! Emotion is action in the absence of clear thinking. It is thinking with the wrong head [girls have one too...] The best anecdote that I have seen on this site thus far went something like this. Two old people are dicussing their marriage - they ahve been together a good 30-50 years. In short, it has been successful not becuase either oof them never fell out of love, but because neither of them fell out of love a the same time. It is due to their commitment to each other, that one stuck through those low points of not being in emotional love because the other person meant THAT MUCH to them, and they knew they ment that much back! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnnyp Posted September 21, 2009 Author Share Posted September 21, 2009 I agree and disagree with this. I def think that emotions are of course a huge part of relationships for both men and women but I also agree that basing important relationship decisions solely on emotions is a very bad choice, as long-term love does go through phases and there will be times when you feel like you've fallen out of love with your partner, but that doesn't mean that you should leave them. In the ten years I was with my ex, I fell out of love and lust with her several times, but I always loved her in the truest sense of the word (caring, nurturing etc), so I knew that I wasn't going to be dumb enough to leave her just because the honeymoon phase had waned, since we were such a great partnership and loved each other very much. And lo and behold the spark and in-love stuff all came back to me after a short time. I think that her mistake was hitting that exact same point, but deciding that it meant that she now saw me as a friend and not a BF and that there was nothing left that a relationship could be built on.....when I feel that friendship and caring is EXACTLY what long-term relationships are built on, not lust and honeymoon passion, although of course if you've got both then you're doubly blessed The last time I saw her I asked her to cuddle up with me and see how it made her feel, and when she did she said she felt happy, safe and really lovely......but that she knew that it wasn't going to lead to anything more. The way I see it is, how lucky was she to have a man that was there to care for her and protect her for life and that she felt safe, happy and loved by. She instead saw it as passion and lust being the more important things. Such a shame It's not even like I've physically let myself go, as I regularly get asked out by women and never have to ask them out, so my ex had totally based her decision on the cooling off of the honeymoon period, instead of seeing that the fact the honeymoon period had only just STARTED to wane after ten years together was a great indication of how amazing our relationship was . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lonewing Posted September 21, 2009 Share Posted September 21, 2009 I'm sorry johnny. Such people should be avoided at all costs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ebik Posted September 21, 2009 Share Posted September 21, 2009 all good points! i guess everyones situation is different and everyone thinks and feels differently. for me, the last 6-9 mths of my relationship, it felt more like we were housemates not boyfriend/girlfriend! even in the end we could still sit in the same room and have a convo together and it felt normal, i still cared for him and he did for me but it just didnt feel like a relationship. i wanted more than that out of a relationship. I probably could have stayed, or even tried to, at least a few more months but i didnt want to end up hating each other, resenting each other etc. We had been through too much and shared so much the last few years, he was the biggest part of my life for over 4 years! but in the end he hurt me anyway, so now we wont even be friends. and so the NC thing begins again - been a week today! all i can say is.. you cant dwell, you have to move forward with life. theres no point wasting energy on the what ifs now! its only going to delay your own healing! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lonewing Posted September 21, 2009 Share Posted September 21, 2009 There is one point though, that I cannot come to terms with. When I am with someone as their significant other the last feeling I have for them is friendship. What I have with them is not freindship because if it was friendship, I could give it to any of my friends and it would be appropriate. But if I did that, it would be Wrong. So my feelings are not friendship. This makes it fundamentally impossible for me to be friends with my Ex - my feelings for her are not friendship, they are something much more, and as long as this is true, my feelings for her are inappropriate as she is with another man and only due to give me pain as those feelings go unrequitted. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnnyp Posted September 21, 2009 Author Share Posted September 21, 2009 ^^^ How long has your longest relationship been? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lonewing Posted September 21, 2009 Share Posted September 21, 2009 2.5 years. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnnyp Posted September 21, 2009 Author Share Posted September 21, 2009 That's worth bearing in mind then. It can often take much longer than that for the comfortable love feelings to set in, that can make you question whether you think of your partner as a friend or as a lover, and make you then decide what to do as a result of it. Every couple I know that has been together for 30+ years has always said to me that it's because they're best friends. Unfortunately, most people seem to believe that long-term relationships are all about physical attraction, and wonder why they can't meet that perfect someone that stays lighting their passion for years and years. As my ex proved, lots of people ignore what seems to be the key to successful long-term relationships (fun, friendship and shared interests) and are looking for that fantasy life where it's all about the honeymoon period. Ironically enough, before dumping me she was taking a LOT of advice from all of her friends about what she should do, despite that fact that none of her friends had ever had a relationship that lasted more than two years and most of them just bounced from one crappy, cheating, abusive guy to the next each couple of months and so had no idea what they were talking about. I remember pointing out to her that if she really wanted advice, she should talk to people that have had or are currently in successful, happy long-term relationships rather than her friends that aren't doing particularly well with their own love lives, but she felt that her friends advice was just as valid as anyone's and even said "Well, Sarah and her BF are extremely happy together and still feel the passion between them".....I just smiled and said "Hmmmm...that's true" and didn't bother pointing out that Sarah and her BF had been together for 18 months. I hope that doesn't sound patronising....I certainly wasn't looking down on her. I just found it very unfortunate that she was taking crucial life advice from quite bad sources without considering who was advising her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mellow Posted September 21, 2009 Share Posted September 21, 2009 Unfortunately, most people seem to believe that long-term relationships are all about physical attraction, and wonder why they can't meet that perfect someone that stays lighting their passion for years and years.[...] "Hmmmm...that's true" and didn't bother pointing out that Sarah and her BF had been together for 18 months. See, I mean we're on the same page here so I am not trying to rain down on your words, but that's the thing though, most people don't see relationship lasting for 30+ years (especially mid twenties people) it's beyond us/them, prolly at max it's more about "in a few years" Can we REALLY fault them for wanting passion longer than just a year, or a few months? I think what happen is that they just want to find people who are compatible enough with them to last the passion enough until they get to the point of marriage or more, and after that, who knows. I'm not sure, while I do prefer deep friendship as the basis of a relationship, but I can't seem to say "Oh they are immature because they want passion more than comfortableness." it feels rather judgmental? Who are we to say they're immature? Or am I wrong for thinking that? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnnyp Posted September 21, 2009 Author Share Posted September 21, 2009 I agree...of course they (and we) should want passion longer than just a year, or a few months, but me and my ex were together for TEN years though, so once you get to that point the rules change slightly and I believe it's easy to confuse the natural waning of the honeymoon period with not being "in-love" anymore. If people are happy to have several long-term relationships throughout their life and never actually settle down with one person for the long-haul then that's cool, but most of us do seem to want to find that special someone and I think a lot us don't have a clue of what finding that person actually means and we think that if our heart isn't pounding out of our chest and our pants are falling to the floor every time we see them, that it means that we're not "in-love" anymore, when in reality maybe our love just transcended onto a new level of love that we'd not experienced before. Basically I'm saying that we've all felt the first stages of love that come at the start but a lot of us haven't felt the other stages that come as the years go by, so maybe we associate being "in-love" with what we know love to be at the beginning of a relationship and then when it becomes another level of love that is new to us, we think "Well....this isn't what I've felt with everyone else I've loved....I must not be in love anymore" and then we split. I'd be interested to get Brownstone322 and other ENA'rs that have had really long relationships involved in this and see what they think. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
quirky Posted September 21, 2009 Share Posted September 21, 2009 I agree with johnyp, it can't be after 10 years the way it was at the beginiing. Then it also comes down to people's personality. There are some that are more up for risks than others, more after the unknown, the thrill. Some like stability and predictability some just simply get bored after a while, depends on the individual. If someone is more adventurous by nature they might indeed prefer to have let's say 4-5 long term relationships in their life, rather than just 1. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mellow Posted September 21, 2009 Share Posted September 21, 2009 Hah, i wish my ex never sell himself as wanting 1 long term serious relationship though, he's definitely risk chaser, just selling himself as stable, dependable guy. too bad, so sad. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lonewing Posted September 21, 2009 Share Posted September 21, 2009 Johnny, it's not about passion to me - it's about commitment. If these feelings were how I felt for friends, then I would not have a significant other. It's in a place above and beyond Just Friends and even best friends. Friends come and go - spouses are forever. It's a commitment that says No Matter What My Will is to Seek Our Way. That's scary to a lot of people because it seems like you give up so much opportnity by being tied to one person. While this may be true, you give up much by not being with someone as well - I see this in the senior relationships I know where they have each other, and their lives are very good. I've been to that point where the honeymoon period ends - it ended early for me becasue my ex introduced her self doubt to the relationship early on, and we never truly recovered from that. There were times where I would lay down in great meditation and go through the great think of what I had gotten myself into, and wondering if that was precisely what I wanted for the rest of my life - It was by my commitment to this girl that at the end of every meditation my answer was a resounding YES. The answer was not based on passion, nor on emotion; her actions towards me had given me more than enough chaff to remove the honeymoon bliss. My answer was based upon my internal commitment. Alas, My partner did not believe in me [or more, herself] as I believed in her. This is absolutely vital - a relationship will not last if one person is weak in their commitment. When the times finally got truly rough for her, she gave up, shut down, and let the relationship die. Part of the problem was indeed that she felt for me like she felt for a good friend - and she felt that way towards a LOT of people. That reduced me to the level of being one of the peanut gallery. Her emotions on theotherhadn wereswooning all over hte place over whatever shiny person she ran accross who tickled her fancy, and were easily on someone else, and that drove her decisions. Mind you, emotions are conciously controlled, or conversely, emotions left unchecked and unconstrained will lead us to stray. Some people do not believe in self discipline, and in short I believe those people are children in adult bodies: immature, ignorant, intelligent but mindless, irresponsible and complletely toxic to those of us who truly invest ourselves into relationships. I'm looking for a person who has strong self discipline, personal integrity, and a sterling reputation of excellence in what she does...That is the type of person who deserves me! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mustachio Posted September 21, 2009 Share Posted September 21, 2009 Lonewing, you have said some very interesting things... a lot of which seems to apply to my situation, at least on my end. My honeymoon period too was short in this last (and also my first) relationship. She cheated very early on and that of course affected the direction the rest of our relationship would go. In my case, either out of loyalty or commitment or pure emotion, all of which may have been for the wrong reasons I stayed with her. Through periods of depression on both ends, we somehow managed to stay together for almost 7 years. If that is not commitment at least on my end, I dont know what is. The problem I think is that she saw commitment not necessarily as my staying, but she saw commitment as taking things to the next level, something I was always hesitant to do because of the infidelity she had shown and the fact that my trust had been damaged. Unfortunately, she cheated again towards the end of last year and after spiraling down, we broke up and she ended up with another guy. I came to realize (again quite possibly for the wrong reasons) that I had been holding myself back and that my commitment to her was still strong and I convinced myself to move forward. We got back together and long story short, she ended up cheating and lying and now has a new boyfriend and I have been left out in the cold feeling completely lost and manipulated. Its been a very short amount of time since we broke up, 2 weeks, and even shorter since we last talked, 5 days, but it is the longest we have really ever been broken up and the longest we really havent talked to each other. I want to reach out to her every day, but I know it will do no good unless she contacts me. I am almost sure (almost sure, I have given up on trying to figure her out though and I am trying to base my thoughts on her actions) though that I will get a call from her in the relatively near future, and I will probably hear a lot of the same things, I love you, I miss you, bla bla bla and Im just not sure how I will respond to those things... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
longdist Posted September 21, 2009 Share Posted September 21, 2009 Johnnyp, it sounds like we're totally on the same page. My relationship was 4-1/2 years. I think one important factor of this "falling out of love" is that girls want romance from guys, period. I think, as a guy, it's easy to fall into the comfort stage in a relationship and be happy with it. I think girls are too, but they want the occasional romance or re-ignition of that spark. I know in my case that I did not provide that opportunity. My pride told me that if she didn't feel love for me anymore, then that is her issue, and I shouldn't have to do anything special to try to re-ignite the spark. I think I big key that I missed in my relationship was that I needed to put forth effort, instead of just staying in the relationship through the rough patch. I think both people need to toss their pride and work on recreating some romance when they see it diminishing, rather than waiting for the other person to do it. Every long term relationship I know about involves a couple that doesn't have those initial "spark" feelings anymore. In fact most of them have even had a break with their spouse before they got married. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnnyp Posted September 21, 2009 Author Share Posted September 21, 2009 That's really interesting that every long term relationship you know about involves a couple that doesn't have those initial "spark" feelings anymore and that most of them have even had a break before they got married. Kinda backs up what I've been saying to myself all along. You're 100% right about there needing to be romance too. In my case I never made the mistake of losing the romance though, so it's not even like my ex had that excuse. Right up to the end I was still making spur of the moment romantic gestures and also never in a needy do-anything-to-make-you-happy kind of way...I always kept my masculinity and made her feel desired and like a real woman. Didn't get me much in the end though huh? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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