abriellek Posted September 17, 2009 Share Posted September 17, 2009 I love my boyfriend and when we're together we always have a great, very relaxing time. However, I just can't seem to trust him. I didn't know him at all prior to our relationship so I don't have much of a background on him besides what he tells me. He says he is 'friends' or 'acquaintances' with a lot of people, and he texts several people frequently. There should be nothing wrong with this, but I just can't seem to deal with it. Maybe it's because he has met everyone that texts me, but I haven't met those who text him. About 2 months ago we had a huge fight because he told me that he should be allowed to keep his myspace, facebook, and text inboxes private and his own business. When I asked him if there was anything there that I shouldn't see he said no there wasn't. I see that it's logical that he should be allowed to keep those private in his life, but it still planted a huge seed of insecurity in me. We spend a lot of time together and if he was seeing anyone else he would have to be kind of a super-human tireless being. But I just don't know what to do. Now he tells me who texts him, if I ask. I assume my nagging will push him over the edge at some point. But I don't see what he needs to talk to these random girls via text about. (All this is especially hard because our relationship started by someone giving him my number and us texting for nearly a month before meeting.) I'm not really sure what to do, because I really care about him and he's calming for me when we're together, but on days that we're apart I think about these things far too much. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Celestialagape54 Posted September 17, 2009 Share Posted September 17, 2009 abriellek, You are looking way too much into this, if he has given you no reason to NOT trust him, then I don't see the problem. As far as his myspace and all that other stuff goes he is right, he has a reason to keep those things private. Just because you are willing to share that information wth him does not mean he has to do the same with you. If you are really so worried then why not suggest for you, him and his friends to go out sometime so that you can meet them? Mind you some of these might be females... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FenwayFaithful Posted September 17, 2009 Share Posted September 17, 2009 I agree with the person above me. I'm totally insecure too! Not in the same way exactly but still very very insecure. So I get how frustarting it is. My boyfriend and I have fought about this as well because in his mind, I have no reason NOT to trust him. However, my insecurities create so much fear in me that I tend to create things in my head and make things seem bad. I'm a Psychology student so I could go on a big long rant about why this happens but there's not use in boring you! I doubt your boyfriend is hiding anything. I am SURE however that your boyfriend wants you to trust him enough, not to have to look at his private things in order to be secure in your relationship. He wants you to respect the fact that he says he loves you and only wants you. It's annoying to be told you are not trusted when you're not doing anything untrustworthy. It's much easier said than done to try and be secure. But in the end you'll end up driving him away if you can't find a way to trust him. You say you're with him a lot and if he was cheating on you then you'd know. I'm sure you're right, you would know. So trust him beuase if you don't you probably will end up pushing him away Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
uofagirl Posted September 17, 2009 Share Posted September 17, 2009 I agree with lunarstar. I especially agree when she says, just because you are willing to share those things doesn't mean he is supposed to. That is so very true. Also, just because he doesn't want to share doesn't mean he's "hiding something." Some things are meant to be private. If you have no REAL reason not to trust him, then you got to stop this. Insecurity will eat your relationship alive. He had a life and friends before you and that doesn't just stop because you two are together. Insecurities in relationships (ESPECIALLY for no legit reason) is very unattractive. Believe me, I'm learning that. It doesn't matter if that's how your relationship started. That doesn't mean anything. He's with you. Take it at face value and until he gives you a reason to worry, then don't worry. It's not healthy to be on pins and needles. Not to mention, it'll wreck your relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
metrogirl Posted September 17, 2009 Share Posted September 17, 2009 Single fastest way to push your SO away. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hexaemeron Posted September 17, 2009 Share Posted September 17, 2009 OMG, I'm so proud of you! This is quite a great thing to see from you, and excellent advice! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catfeeder Posted September 17, 2009 Share Posted September 17, 2009 You don't say how long you've been with BF, but the bottom line question is, do you consider him to be a trustworthy person? If yes, then you need to back off and stop spinning your mind against him or you'll kill this thing. If you don't view him as trustworthy, why would you be with him in the first place? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AC77 Posted September 18, 2009 Share Posted September 18, 2009 Am I the ONLY person here who would raise an eyebrow over this? Privacy is nice to have, WHEN you're not shady. I would find my dude texting other women frequently, very shady. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hexaemeron Posted September 18, 2009 Share Posted September 18, 2009 Am I the ONLY person here who would raise an eyebrow over this? Privacy is nice to have, WHEN you're not shady. I would find my dude texting other women frequently, very shady. Just because you had the poor luck to date a douchebag doesn't mean anyone insisting on reasonable privacy in a relationship is also a douchebag. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alcide Posted September 18, 2009 Share Posted September 18, 2009 you so wrong, he is not married to you, the man need his space, his not your litle boy so best thing to do is to have a back seat and remember its his life and he may be committed to you, but hun he needs his privacy to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AC77 Posted September 18, 2009 Share Posted September 18, 2009 Just because you had the poor luck to date a douchebag doesn't mean anyone insisting on reasonable privacy in a relationship is also a douchebag. I'm not questioning the right to privacy with regards to his email, social networking, etc.... That comes later. I'm wondering specifically about the texts. In your opinion, should a man reserve the right to private texts to other females while in a committed relationship? Should a woman reserve that same right? I don't know if you have a girlfriend...but in the event that you do, would you not question her if she were texting other dudes that you don't know, frequently? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hexaemeron Posted September 18, 2009 Share Posted September 18, 2009 I'm not questioning the right to privacy with regards to his email, social networking, etc.... That comes later. I'm wondering specifically about the texts. In your opinion, should a man reserve the right to private texts to other females while in a committed relationship? Should a woman reserve that same right? I don't know if you have a girlfriend...but in the event that you do, would you not question her if she were texting other dudes that you don't know, frequently? It wouldn't bother me. I'm gay, but honestly? It would not bother me because no matter what he does, he's coming home with me. That's what matters to me. He's there to hold my head when I'm sick. He's there to support me if something traumatic happens in my life. Worrying about text messages and social message and high school BS, imo. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AC77 Posted September 18, 2009 Share Posted September 18, 2009 It wouldn't bother me. I'm gay, but honestly? It would not bother me because no matter what he does, he's coming home with me. That's what matters to me. He's there to hold my head when I'm sick. He's there to support me if something traumatic happens in my life. Worrying about text messages and social message and high school BS, imo. Understood and I can totally make sense of that. Many affairs and indiscretions start off as something very innocent (like a harmless text or fb message). Read some more threads on infidelity and you'll see just how common it is. Let me ask you this. Would or do you frequently send text messages to other dudes that you wouldn't let your BF see? I don't engage in that kind of behavior because it would be disrespectful to my partner. If you (or the OPs boyfriend) can answer the following question with a "yes", then there's no problem. When texting or messaging, would you say the same thing if your partner were standing right there? If they answer "no", the next question I have is "Why not?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
greywolf Posted September 18, 2009 Share Posted September 18, 2009 Am I the ONLY person here who would raise an eyebrow over this? Privacy is nice to have, WHEN you're not shady. I would find my dude texting other women frequently, very shady. I disagree. It sounds like they spend a lot of time together, so it's normal that he texts other people while with her. If they were in a situation where they didn't see each other very often and he texted frequently while they were together, I could understand why she'd be a little upset. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
greywolf Posted September 18, 2009 Share Posted September 18, 2009 Understood and I can totally make sense of that. Many affairs and indiscretions start off as something very innocent (like a harmless text or fb message). Read some more threads on infidelity and you'll see just how common it is. Let me ask you this. Would or do you frequently send text messages to other dudes that you wouldn't let your BF see? I don't engage in that kind of behavior because it would be disrespectful to my partner. If you (or the OPs boyfriend) can answer the following question with a "yes", then there's no problem. When texting or messaging, would you say the same thing if your partner were standing right there? If they answer "no", the next question I have is "Why not?" I honestly don't have a problem with my partner texting other people while he's with me. The only time I'd find it a problem is if I'm trying to hang out with him and his attention is divided because of all the texting he's doing. As for the OP not having met these people, does her bf hang out with them often? It sounds like they're always together and that he doesn't really hang out with them either. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
corrin Posted October 2, 2009 Share Posted October 2, 2009 I know I am in the minority on this issue. I feel like if there is nothing to hide, why do you need email, text, or facebook privacy? Outlook is open on my home computer all day and my financee is free to read my emails. We have a good relationship but there are definitely some trust issues. If her having access to my emails helps those trust issues a little, why wouldn't I want to allow this? I could read hers too if I wanted. I don't feel the need to so I don't. Plus that GPS transponder I inserted under her skin when she was sleeping lets me track her 24/7... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hulowbug Posted October 5, 2009 Share Posted October 5, 2009 I wouldn't like that at all. Either he's dodgy or maybe you guys aren't a good fit. But don't take it the wrong way and give up if he IS BEING NICE AND NOT DEFENSIVE. But he's not, is he? He's asking to keep myspace private? I've been in too many relationships to say that's ok. When they finally do give you permission to see their myspace/profile etc., they've erased all the dirt. Ask them on the spot, right then and there, and if they don't give up the password AND IT BOTHERS YOU FOR A SIGNIFICANT PART OF YOUR DAY, EVERY OR MOST DAYS, I don't think it's fair for you to go through this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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