Timbone Posted September 17, 2009 Share Posted September 17, 2009 And do you really want to be in a relationship with someone that you just have to keep an eye on? She's already shown she can't be trusted. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
banbear Posted September 17, 2009 Author Share Posted September 17, 2009 forgive me everyone...please...i am really having a bad day today obviously, and i have read everyone's responses and it really makes me thing long and hard about my situation. I am extremely conflicted with a decision, but i'm not sure i should be making a decision at this very moment. It may be too emotionally based right now. you know, there is one thing that i keep reading in that 'ad' that makes me think that she might, and i say might be telling the truth... its the line 'explain to me in detail what you would do to me' yes, i know that this is still wrong in everything that she has done, but i guess what concerns me the most is whether she would physically cheat on me. That line just makes me think that she did only want to have a email of sorts with a sexual exchange. i also found a message from her on a healthboard today where she posted a question to members for answers. '"Hey all. Ok so here is the deal, up until a week ago I never was able to ejaculate (squirt). I have been super horny I have no clue why-I am 31 and thinking maybe I am entering my prime. I used a ***** and I squirted. I mean it hit the door. It was crazy, I have experienced many orgasms but never had this happen before. And since this has happened I has taken over the past few days. I am horny as ever now and I can do it every time. My boyfriend thinks it's a total turn on because he has never experienced it either-just saw it in movies. Now it's so much that I am thinking we will have to get rubber sheets or something. Is it normal once this happened it increases your sex drive? Because I feel like I'm thinking of sex non stop and am constantly thinking of women. I have wild fantasy and have started watching porn. I have no clue what the hell is going on with me. Can someone fill me in so I don't feel like such a closet freak!!! lol-Thanks!!! " I know this doesn't make the situation any better, but i'm just trying to maybe justify her actions and see if there is any hope out there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scorpion Fury Posted September 17, 2009 Share Posted September 17, 2009 I still don't buy it. A cheater is selfish. She is selfish. She cares more about herself and her urges than she does about you, someone she's supposed to love more than anything else. I think by taking her back, you are setting yourself up for more heartache. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mrmaximum Posted September 17, 2009 Share Posted September 17, 2009 There is a war going on in you right now OP. The one between your head and your heart. the head is listening to all the responses and realizing that there will most likely be heartbreak in the future if you keep the current course, and your heart is grasping for anything which may show that she has turned the corner, that she really has changed her spots. That's the issue with the heart, one cannot turn off their emotions like a light switch, if we could this message board wouldn't exist. Apparently this woman has a prior history, and yet we have yet another situation, another relapse after your initial issue. Maybe her new sex drive caused this issue this time but what about last time? What was the reason then? Anytime anything good or miraculous happens, will she start looking astray? What makes this time any different than last time? I hear you when you say that you are a little upset, given the circumstances, I would think you weird if you wheren't. However, as much as the heart is clamoring for attention, you also need to think with your head. IMO, you are grasping for straws, looking for whatever reason you can find that may lead you to NOT leaving this woman. Desperate people, or people in desperate situations grasp for straws, and they are desperate for a reason. If you have to grasp at straws to find a reason to trust this woman again, you may want to re-think reconcilliation. Good Luck Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Casanova4life Posted September 17, 2009 Share Posted September 17, 2009 banbear the moment you been afraid has finally arrived. yup YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE TO DUMP HER . you got kids and you are their role model. give her a week to find a new place. BTW is it true what she says? the squirt hits the door? jeje Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SnowFox Posted September 17, 2009 Share Posted September 17, 2009 If you don't feel strong enough to break off the relationship, here are some concrete steps you could tell her you need in order to consider possibly remaining together: 1. she moves out and gets her own place. 2. she gets counseling with someone experienced in dealing with infidelity and stay with it until she is crystal clear about what is driving these behaviors for her 3. You both agree to read the book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass - its considered one of the best books on this topic, and discuss it together I think if she was willing to do all of the above.....which I am doubtful she will decide to do ..... I think you *might* have a chance of moving past this. But, the only way for that to work is for her to take 100% responsibility for her actions, commit to self-analysis so she learns what leads her to act this way, and then you being willing to invest more time and emotion into the relationship while she is embarking on this journey of fixing her character flaws. You would then have to decide if she is worth waiting for under those conditions. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
banbear Posted September 18, 2009 Author Share Posted September 18, 2009 well, to give everyone an update....against probably all better advise i have not left this woman as of yet. I am still very torn on what to do, and i have decided not to do anything or make any rash decisions with so much emotion involved. I did go home and we talked about the situation. I told her how much she has hurt me by what she has done. I also told her that i am not going to be a door mat to these situations. I have forgiven her one too many times already for putting our relationship at risk. She needs to grow up and start taking responsibility for her actions. She has a child to think about. I really hope that this is a wake up call for her and she can move forward in a better direction. I realize that past history may contradict this thought process, but i also have forgiven her of her past and past issues in order to have a brighter future. Everyone makes mistakes and deserves a second chance. I assure you, this is absoultely it for me with her and i have made the very clear. Any step outside of what is acceptable and its over. She is a very good woman and who genuinely seems to love me with all of her heart, although this situation seems to show another side. I also feel as though she feels genuinely sorry for what she has done and how she disgraced us and our relationship. Call me gullible, but i think that i would be able to tell that. Or maybe i just want to believe that, i don't know. I will say this, I am going to keep my eyes and ears open for anything that will make me believe that she is snowballing me. I try to look to the future with her, but right now, i am looking at just getting through the day. Maybe soon i will start to feel as though i can plan the rest of my life with her. But right now, i have obviously lost all trust in her and she needs to get that back in a BIG way. Hopefully this will be a happy ending story and in the future i will come back and tell you that we are happily married and life has never been better. That is all i want, thats all we all want is just to live a life with no drama and to be happy and in love. I hope that is the case for me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mrmaximum Posted September 18, 2009 Share Posted September 18, 2009 And I applaud you on standing up for your relationship. Now, on to brass tacks, it is all well and good that you feel that she is a good person and loves you very much and you do know her and the situation better than any one of us here but now comes the hard part. TennesseeGirl's excellent post highlights the steps she needs to take in order to show that she is on the level. Lip service is great but doesn't 'pay the bills' get it? You do need to lay down the law, I would suggest write out a few things she needs to do in order to show you that there is something to save. Things like complete access to email, phone, you get the picture. Yes I said show, her telling you is worthless as unfortunately her word have been less shown to be a might dubious as of late. Then you show her what she needs to do. I will be blunt about this part, if she quibbles in the least, if she gives you nothing less than a "yes, I will do whatever you say to regain your trust." If she follows your list for a only short time or even seems upset for doing anything on that list or complains at all....BOUNCE. If you stay after that then you are only fooling yourself and literally are having WELCOME tattooed on your chest. In the cases I've come accross where people have successfully reconciled, the former wandering person followed the list TO THE LETTER and in all honesty the best cases where HAPPY to do so, ecstatic that they had another chance and didn't want to blow it. I hope you have a happy future as well, and love is a powerful emotion, but love not tempered with logic can also lead to pain. Go in with your eyes open and make her earn your love and trust. Good luck Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arcadefire Posted September 19, 2009 Share Posted September 19, 2009 I personally would not give her another chance. Yuu have given her far too many. Whatever she is saying, how she feels remorse, etc. are all very patternistic things cheaters and those who are caught cheating (be it the intent to do so or the actual form of cheating) say. My cheating ex said all of those same sweet words to me when I caught him red handed. He gave me flowers, did what I said, and so forth. But in the end I knew those sugary words were coming from the same mouth which lied to me the entire time we were together, and I chose to believe him no more. To this day I do not regret walking out on him after my discovery as I felt as if a huge weight has been lifted from my chest. The grief of carrying the thought that your partner doesn't love you as much as you love them is too much to bear. I hope you make the right choice on what is best for you and your health. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lala_land Posted September 22, 2009 Share Posted September 22, 2009 I would say you can forgive her and work past it, if you can honestly learn to trust her again. A realtionship is nothing without trust. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
baguette Posted September 25, 2009 Share Posted September 25, 2009 she's selfish and won't change. she'll be on her good behaviour for a while but will do it again. your heart will break. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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