Spanking your child?

[Kaiser_Soze]

I wonder the same.

 

OP, I am not against spanking. However, I believe it should be used in cases where a child has disobeyed, not about things like his grades.

 

I suppose this is a sensitive issue to me, but I would never spank my kids in public. It's the worst thing you could do to a person. I still remember the time my dad made me take my pants and underwear down and spanked me in front of my friends. I can remember every little detail of that day and it still makes me angry.

 

I told my son that I would spank him in front of his friends but I honestly don't think I would do it unless he was being extremely disrespectful. I definitely would not pull down his pants to do it...

 

Let me share something else with you. My ex wife used to feel the exact same way as many of you, she felt she could reason with our kids for everything. She was a stay at home mom and was really caring and sweet to them. They loved her and snuggled her alot. They also threw tantrums to get their way and would say things at times like "I hate you!" to her. She didn't deserve it. She felt she could comfort them, discuss feelings with them and

reason with them enough to change that behavior. I never saw this because I worked long hours and when I was around they were well behaved. One day she was doing some grocery shopping at a store right around the corner from my office so I decided to catch up with them, the kids had no idea. I come around the cereal isle to find my daughter sprawled out on the floor kicking and screaming at the top of her lungs. I was like "oh hell no!" She would try and embarrass her mom into getting her way. I don't get embarrased. So I said in a really loud voice "who wants to see this girl get spanked?" My daughter looked stunned said "huh?" stopped crying on the spot, got up and like nothing said "hi daddy". My wife was in disbelief. The store was pretty empty but there was a mid thirties couple in there that said "good job dad". I'm sure some people felt like what a jerk. Oh well. I havent had to deal with that since. If I had never spanked her before she may not have belived I would do it. But the fact that she knows I will has made it to where I don't have to. Some kids this may not work for. But with mine it has....

[greywolf]

Some kids this may not work for. But with mine it has....

 

It works to make them obey you, but how will they feel about you in the future? I'd like to think that every parent would like to be friends with their children once they get older.

[avman]

Kaiser I've been able to accomplish the same thing without ever resorting to spanking. I do believe children need to be disciplined, taught boundaries, and that there are lines of acceptable and unacceptable behavior. But I've been able to do that without laying a hand on my kids. I used time outs and a stern voice when they were younger. And now that they are older I remove privileges, impose extra chores, or ground them if they misbehave. They don't live in fear, and they (generally) do things now because they know they are the right things to do.

 

Those are just my beliefs. I understand others use spanking and it works for them. However I do think there are limits to the use of that and at certain points it becomes more a tool for the parent to let loose aggression and frustration than a real tool to modify behavior.

 

Spanking a 13 year old over their grades crosses the line in my opinion. That's a long term behavior that requires different techniques than physically striking them.

[yeawutever]

I still remember the time my dad made me take my pants and underwear down and spanked me in front of my friends. I can remember every little detail of that day and it still makes me angry.

That's kinda creepy IMO At certain about, a kid does want their privacy and being exposed like that, wouldn't that be sexual harrasment??

[dangletsbang]

I was never spanked or physically disciplined.

 

I was a tad wild in my early teenage years but they handled it without slapping me around.

 

I'm very respectful with my parents, they've taught me a lot. I wouldn't disobey them now unless I really felt that they were in the wrong - although i'm 19 now.

 

Personally, a little swat on the butt here and there is fine but anymore than that I feel isn't necessary.

 

Sure, my children will be disciplined as necessary..but as I said, nothing more than a swat on the butt.

 

My sister and her husband literally beat their children with belts..and I think that is taking it way too far. How does that help anything? If anything it makes them act worse.

[Kaiser_Soze]

I understand where your coming from. What is the point of a stern voice if not to use fear to motivate. I'm not saying that they are afraid of you because of that, only that it is playing on the same responses as a spanking. Some really "sensitive" people might argue that that is mean or abussive as well.

[hers]

Spanking has far more long-term damaging effects than a stern voice.

[avman]

I think you are confusing stern voice with screaming and yelling. A stern voice means "I'm really serious here". Versus losing control and screaming at them which simply tries to invoke fear and shows that mom/dad can't keep themselves together.

 

Since we have a written forum it's impossible to demonstrate. But hopefully you get the idea.

[Kaiser_Soze]

Spanking has far more long-term damaging effects than a stern voice.

 

I would agree that spanking is harsher than a stern voice.

[Kaiser_Soze]

I think you are confusing stern voice with screaming and yelling. A stern voice means "I'm really serious here". Versus losing control and screaming at them which simply tries to invoke fear and shows that mom/dad can't keep themselves together.

 

Since we have a written forum it's impossible to demonstrate. But hopefully you get the idea.

 

A stern voice is meant to invoke a fear induced desired response. Otherwise what would be the benefit of the change in tone or volume. It does say that you are serious. The child realizes, "uh oh(fear), he's really serious I better do what he says". I am not arguing that it is on a smaller scale, if you will than spanking, but it resonates in the same area of the brain producing the same emotional response. I use a stern voice when needed. I never yell or scream at them, that gets me nowhere. If they are bickering and I say "knock it off you too" and they keep at it I say something like "HEY, what did I say". That is usually enough.

[avman]

Well as I said Kaiser I have had success using the other techniques. They aren't supposed to be rewards. They are supposed to be consequences. And consequences are unpleasant.

 

One could argue that a disapproving look and electric shock invoke the same fear response but I'd say the matter of degree is quite different. In addition I'd say a disapproving look is fine but delivering an electric shock is not.

[hers]

Kaiser, did you feel guilty after spanking your son for his bad grades?

[Kaiser_Soze]

Well as I said Kaiser I have had success using the other techniques. They aren't supposed to be rewards. They are supposed to be consequences. And consequences are unpleasant.

 

One could argue that a disapproving look and electric shock invoke the same fear response but I'd say the matter of degree is quite different. In addition I'd say a disapproving look is fine but delivering an electric shock is not.

 

I completely agree with the first statement. The second is a little dramatic, and I get that thats your point. Electric shock is beyond discipline, its even beyond abuse, I would say thats torture. A spanking is not abuse or torture. I will comend you on the fact that you have been able to have well behaved kids without having to spank them. I guess what I'm trying to get at is by not spanking your kids may listen but that disticnt line, that boundary may not be as clear as the definitive line I have accomplished by spanking. I should also say that each of my kids have only needed it a few times each. Not even once a year, but I would never eliminate it as an option.

[greywolf]

I completely agree with the first statement. The second is a little dramatic, and I get that thats your point. Electric shock is beyond discipline, its even beyond abuse, I would say thats torture. A spanking is not abuse or torture. I will comend you on the fact that you have been able to have well behaved kids without having to spank them. I guess what I'm trying to get at is by not spanking your kids may listen but that disticnt line, that boundary may not be as clear as the definitive line I have accomplished by spanking. I should also say that each of my kids have only needed it a few times each. Not even once a year, but I would never eliminate it as an option.

 

I think many people are more concerned about the reason why you spanked your son.

[Kaiser_Soze]

Kaiser, did you feel guilty after spanking your son for his bad grades?

 

 

Only after discussing it here, did I regret it. And not because of the moral dilema of whether its an appropriate disiplinary action or not. I regret the fact that I didn't consider that he may be too old. I have decided that he is too old. I feel like we have built a solid enough foundation that its time to look at other consequences. I still believe spanking as a viable means of discipline, but if others don't, I respect their opinion as well.

[avman]

I guess what I'm trying to get at is by not spanking your kids may listen but that disticnt line, that boundary may not be as clear as the definitive line I have accomplished by spanking

 

Yes, I understand the viewpoint. And as I said, my viewpoint happens to differ and I have been able to draw that same definitive line without it. I do understand some people use the technique and swear by it.

[hers]

In that case, kaiser, I think you need to sit down with your son, apologize to him (whcih in no way means you're giving up your parental role) for spanking him at such an age and talk to him and tell him he's too old. Also talk to him and tell him that in that case, you both need to find an appropriate way to handle discipline from now on. Communicating with him will make him feel more mature and he may be more responsive to you in the future and the respect can actully be established in a healthy way.

[ResonanceTheory]

Maybe 13 is too old. That stuff tapered off when I got to hs. Last time I was hit, I was 15 and I "fought back" by holding my mom's wrists away from me.

 

But I think that for young children, the immediate fear of a butt swat or two (swat, not a BEATING) is more effective than a time-out or taking away their favorite toy. I babysat my brother and sister when they were 2 and 4 years old, and the time-outs, harsh voice, vocal threats, or removing privileges or toys never worked. If they were my children, I would've spanked them. Not having the authority to do that definitely made handling them more difficult, because my dad was never around to discipline them.

[sidehop]

I'm not endorsing spanking for every little mischief a child gets into. But there has to be alternative and effective ways of parenting. Constant yelling and screaming because a child has something done wrong could have long term effect if not worse than spanking out of love.

 

There will be parents who raise great children with spanking or not. But I feel because they raised them properly overall. And you have parents who are so against either ideas yet their kids are out of control.

[hers]

Constant yelling and screaming because a child has something done wrong could have long term effect if not worse than spanking out of love.

 

 

this is certainly true. My ex, to my knowledge, was never spanked as a child, or if he was, it wasn't much. But his dad yelled at him over everything. He told me when he was a child, he spilled a drink on the kitchen table and his dad yelled at him for 20 minutes. That has stuck with him now, even 20 years later, and he feels on edge around his dad often.

[Seraphim]

this is certainly true. My ex, to my knowledge, was never spanked as a child, or if he was, it wasn't much. But his dad yelled at him over everything. He told me when he was a child, he spilled a drink on the kitchen table and his dad yelled at him for 20 minutes. That has stuck with him now, even 20 years later, and he feels on edge around his dad often.

 

Same happened to my husband and he is a nervous wreck around father. Truly disturbing if you ask me.

[Stay_home]

If my child came home with bad grades, I probably wouldn't spank unless he got all F's or something. But I would be holding onto the Nintendo Wii's, Xbox's and Playstation games until I saw some sort of improvement. No outside, no phone, nothing. Just coming home, doing homework, eating, doing more homework and then taking his ass to bed. You have to sometimes hit them where it hurts, you take away the things that they enjoy the most.

[agent1607307371]

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