Spanking your child?

[Kaiser_Soze]

Punishment does not deter rapists nor murders.........do you know the statistics on repeat offenders?

 

I disagree to a degree. The fear of prison or punishment is often enough to eliminate that behavior as a possibilty. What I mean is if someone is capable of a crime such as robbing a bank, they may not do it because of the consequences of the crime. I agree with the staggering statistics relating to repeat offenders, thats different, those people have crossed a threshold and obviously "time outs" aren't working.

[Seraphim]

There are many studies on aggression breeding aggression.

[Kaiser_Soze]

Respect needs to be earned, it isn't a right you have as a parent.

 

I can agree with that to a point. I have seen parents that let their kids walk all over them, even hit them. Let me put it to you this way. Think of respect in terms of a relationship, a person in a relationship should not have to earn respect, they should not accept anything less. Why would parenting be any different.

[hers]

I think I'd feel like a failure of a parent if my kids looked at me and thought they had to fear me. I haven't spanked my dog in probably 4 or 5 years and I still feel guilty thinking about it. And even with that long of a time since I've done it, she still cowers and I feel terrible. I don't think I could do it if my kids feared me like that.

[Seraphim]

I can agree with that to a point. I have seen parents that let their kids walk all over them, even hit them. Let me put it to you this way. Think of respect in terms of a relationship, a person in a relationship should not have to earn respect, they should not accept anything less. Why would parenting be any different.

 

In relationship do you hit your spouse to get your point accross? Why is it different for a kid?

[Kaiser_Soze]

There are many studies on aggression breeding aggression.

 

And what of a loving family that incorporates spanking. I think those studies relate to abuse. Very different in my opinion.

[Seraphim]

And what of a loving family that incorporates spanking. I think those studies relate to abuse. Very different in my opinion.

 

No, they do not relate to abuse. They relate to ANY aggression. Hitting is aggressive even if you mean it to be "loving".Hitting means can not be bothered to figure out any other way to relate to you in this moment so I will hit you and make you do what I want.

[Kaiser_Soze]

I think I'd feel like a failure of a parent if my kids looked at me and thought they had to fear me. I haven't spanked my dog in probably 4 or 5 years and I still feel guilty thinking about it. And even with that long of a time since I've done it, she still cowers and I feel terrible. I don't think I could do it if my kids feared me like that.

 

 

If I hit my kid when I came through the door without him understanding what it was about... sure he would cower. Your dog doesn't understand why it happened so he is afraid of what he may do to get hit again. Big difference, no?

[Skillpadde]

You kidding me? you guys are making out spanking a kid on the bum when he's naughty is a massive assault..

 

I highly doubt Kaiser is talking about smacking her son in the face, or punching him. Just a light slap on the bum?.. I don't agree that it should be done over things such as bad grades, but I think spanking is ok, not spanking to hurt.

 

I was spanked when I was younger, when I was naughty, has'nt affected me in any way.

 

He's thirteen, he's maturing into a young adult, it's not the spanking, it's the boy's age which is controversial here.

[Seraphim]

You kidding me? you guys are making out spanking a kid on the bum when he's naughty is a massive assault..

 

I highly doubt Kaiser is talking about smacking her son in the face, or punching him. Just a light slap on the bum?.. I don't agree that it should be done over things such as bad grades, but I think spanking is ok, not spanking to hurt.

 

I was spanked when I was younger, when I was naughty, has'nt affected me in any way.

 

But we are all different. To some people that IS assulting someone. Why should kids get a slap but an adult does not???? A kid is not a lesser person.

[Seraphim]

He's thirteen, he's maturing into a young adult, it's not the spanking, it's the boy's age which is controversial here.

 

That is the other thing....13!!!! BY then your body should be your own not to have your pants whipped down. That is just WRONG. If CPS got a wiff of that you have NO idea what could be made of it. Kids hide their body when they are 3 or 4. It is very disturbing to smack a bare backside when a kid is THAT old.

[Kaiser_Soze]

In relationship do you hit your spouse to get your point accross? Why is it different for a kid?

 

Of coarse not, she is an adult and responsible for her own actions. I am not in an authoritive position over her. I am not trying to build a solid foundation for her. It is not my responsibilty to maintain control over her. I have never in my life raised a hand to a woman, thats why this picture of this overly aggressive rage monger that I've been made out to be is throwing me off a bit.

[Seraphim]

Of coarse not, she is an adult and responsible for her own actions. I am not in an authoritive position over her. I am not trying to build a solid foundation for her. It is not my responsibilty to maintain control over her. I have never in my life raised a hand to a woman, thats why this picture of this overly aggressive rage monger that I've been made out to be is throwing me off a bit.

 

What I am saying is a child is not a lesser person.

[Skillpadde]

I can agree with that to a point. I have seen parents that let their kids walk all over them, even hit them. Let me put it to you this way. Think of respect in terms of a relationship, a person in a relationship should not have to earn respect, they should not accept anything less. Why would parenting be any different.

 

There are ways of earning respect which do not require physical consequences, however it needs to be instilled in an early age. I think my mother hit me twice throughout my childhood, both times extremely warrented, and I have a lot of respect for her, because she treated me like an adult and rationalised with me (and this is possible with children from an early age I believe). You can be firm without being violent, and to me violence is just a lazy way out of sorting the problem long-term.

[Kaiser_Soze]

I concede on the age issue. He is probably too old. The last time he was spanked was probably about 4 years ago. I never said a child is lesser a person, but they're morals, ethics and habbits are still developing. It is my job to shape them, it is not my job to shape my spouses. And as far as CPS, the day an agency takes my kids away will be a sad day, because I am a good parent. I have never abused my children.

[Seraphim]

OK but I am still not understanding why shaping someone's foundation requires being hit.

[dragon lady]

I disowned my dad when he tried to spank (hit) me at age 15. Even though I probably deserved it, he does not deserve one ounce of my respect. If he'd done it for something such as grades, I would have called the cops and gotten him charged with assault.

[yeawutever]

OK but I am still not understanding why shaping someone's foundation requires being hit.

True there's a lot of ways shaping someone's foundation can be interpret base on who's telling the story. I also don't understand the poster's point when he said that. I guess he meant shaping his child in his way.

[Seraphim]

OP I am not telling you what to do but only saying I can not agree with you and only trying to understand your reasoning. You keeping saying to build a foundation, create respect. etc. If you go back to your initial statement you seemed very proud of the fact he got a fanny wack and hey look he brought home an extra credit cause I forced him to. Did he do it for himself??? Or did he do it to not get another wack in the backside?The motivation of WHY he will do something is VERY important here. Will it teach him to do things just to get people off his back? Motivation by guilt? I can tell you that leads to one VERY angry and dissatisfied adult. I am not even talking about abuse, I am not even saying you are being abusive. I am asking you be AWARE....that hitting changes people forever. Their personality, their brain chemistry, how they learn to relate. For some children all it takes is one wack to alter them forever....for others it could be 100. All I am saying is there is ALWAYS an alternative to physical punishment. Hitting means you are frustrated and can not be bothered with something else ....so I will MAKE you do as I want.

[hers]

If I hit my kid when I came through the door without him understanding what it was about... sure he would cower. Your dog doesn't understand why it happened so he is afraid of what he may do to get hit again. Big difference, no?

 

My point is not that she cowers but that she thinks of me and associates me with fear sometimes. If my child looked at me with fear, I'd feel like a failure of a parent. Kids should feel loved, not live with fear that their parent is going to hurt them.

[unabashed]

What keeps robbers from robbing and rapists from raping, fear, only fear.. not someone going "Now you know raping that woman was wrong don't you, I'm very disappointed in you now go home and think about what you've done". I'm glad you guys are not in charge of our justice system... I luv yall and respect you, but sometimes I can't help but be frustrated.

 

So fear keeps violent, antisocial criminals from offending? Were it even true (and it isn't), that doesn't mean it should be the approach of choice when disciplining or teaching a child. I'm sure you are a good parent. I wonder what you were asking for when you posted this thread, though. Surely you would know that many people would disagree with spanking, and especially spanking a teenager. You imply that those who disagree with you would know better if they had kids, but many of us have children, and have raised them quite successfully without resorting to physical punishments or threats. I can understand why a parent might lash out in frustration, but I can't understand why hitting would actually be a deliberate parenting plan. BTW, in my state, if someone reported that a 13 year old was being spanked, it is likely that there would be mandated parenting classes, at the very least.

 

I would also agree that respect is not automatically afforded to anyone, even a parent. It is earned, and it is modeled, so a child can learn to respect himself and others. It sounds like you do many great things as a parent, and none of us are perfect. But, yeah. You raised the subject, and it's a hot one. I guess my overriding parenting plan is to treat my kids the way I would like to be treated. It has worked. That isn't to say I didn't guide, correct, or even punish my kids. But, their dignity and humanity is something I don't forget. They don't owe me anything. I owe them--I brought them into the world. That's just my view.

[yeawutever]

Kaiser if you're the one bringing this subject what's the problem with people that got different opinions to yours? You didn' expect everyone to agree and congratulate you did you?

Because if I were 13 again and you did that to me, the next thing on the door would be the cops. See what I mean, not all the children are the same. Some like me that are meaner, would report you. Other like your kid will probably forget about it and nothing will happen but it's a risk you take when spanking a child at a certain age..

[Sky-Cherries]

I think spanking children is right if it's needed.

 

I've seen parents spank their children for things that could be corrected verbally, and that annoys me.

 

I can only think of a few times in which Scarlet earned what she calls a 'whack bum'.

 

Once when she screamed "you f'ing c-word" {obviously the longer, more complete words were said, but enotalone has a paranoia about people typing naughty words at her Dad.

That one got a smack that sent her stumbling forward a step, and then a half hour lecture about certain words that make people's feelings hurt so much that they cry, words that make people stop wanting to play with you and words that will make lots of people sad.

She cried throughout the entire thing, but I've not heard her say any swear word since, and when her foul-mouthed cousin said the 'b' word, she put her hand over her mouth and said "Don't SAY that! That makes people HURT!"

 

 

Once again when she kicked our cat for no reason whatsoever. It was walking past her, she grabbed it by the scruff and kicked it in the ribs.

I grabbed the scruff of her tshirt, yanked her up and swatted her butt.

I explained afterwards that hurting animals makes them not want to play with you, and she apologised to the cat and bought him cat treats out of her pocket money.

 

There's a few things I DO NOT and NEVER WILL condone.

Swearing and animal cruelty are on that list.

[Seraphim]

My son said a naughty word once when he was a baby(he was 2) we ignored it and you know what..it was never said again. They do not know what the words mean and they say it for shock value. And hey you gave her a response and wacking her for hurting the cat.......when someone bigger than you gives you a wack it teaches you to bully something or someone smaller than you because obviously that IS condoned. My son has never and I mean never hit or wacked or kicked an animal etc, or say bad words and I did not have to hit him to achieve that.

[Seraphim]

Maybe as parents we should take our own time out. ALL parents get frustrated and angry sometimes, every single parent alive. Kids are taxing sometimes no doubt about it. Think however about someone twice or 3 or 4 times your size barreling down on you and angry. Think of exactly HOW terrifying that is. All the emotions involved in that. Then the person who claims to love you the most does that and then hits you. Devistating. Why not send the child to their room for a few minutes so you can decompress and think about solutions? They are not "getting away" with anything. You are just delaying punishment enough that you can collect yourself and be reasonable.