FreedomRing Posted September 15, 2009 Share Posted September 15, 2009 I actually don't think it was the best idea to post this online to everyone. We are not counselors here(actual licensed therapists - at least none that I have came accross on here). I think to expect that posting your problem on here, and have people only give you ideas how to "fix" your relationship, yet without personal opinions also being offered, is a bit unrealistic. You both have been members here for a long time - you know how things/people work on here. Doesn't work that way. I'm afraid(and it's already happened on here) that the advice on how to fix your relationship is only going to come from those whose opinions are also aligned with the decision to STAY in the relationship. Which is why I suggest, if staying together is your ultimate goal, to flesh this out with a trained, licensed couples counselor, and have them guide you through the process. I bet that reading the posts on here, will just increase your confusion about what to do.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jengh Posted September 15, 2009 Share Posted September 15, 2009 Yeah, I understand what you're saying but we were just desperate and confused and hurting... We're looking into actual couples counseling but it will take a little while to set up and just wanted some opinions. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SnowFox Posted September 15, 2009 Share Posted September 15, 2009 Aside from all the other various issues that should be addressed regarding these incidents, a simple fix would be for both people, when going out in the city, to always have a) enough cash to get a cab home if needed, b) a working cel phone with a charged battery, c) a key to get into the apartment. That is the part that confuses me - why would any adult let themselves be put in a situation where they didn't have the means to back to their own home if needed? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FarthestEdge Posted September 15, 2009 Share Posted September 15, 2009 Not true. The only ones who can decide whether or not to stay in the relationship are the people in it. Since both have expressed their desire to try to make it work, they are asking for advice on that. Personally, my advice was in response to their questions. Had they asked IF they should stay (either of them), then I would have given my opinion. They did not. So my advice is based on the position they choose to be in. One does not need to endorse a course of action in order to advise on it. One can just as easily say "if this is the path you are taking, then this is my advice" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annalisa84 Posted September 15, 2009 Share Posted September 15, 2009 1. I am emotionally stable, but thank you for passing judgment on me anyways. 2. It's hard to be independent when I'm living in a country I am unfamiliar with. I'm not from the UK. I've only been here a couple of months. 3. I know how to take care of myself, I lent him my last £40 before we left the bar, hence why I didn't have any money. 4. I didn't sleep outside. I was in the safety of my complex, which has security and CCTV. 5. We didn't "jump into" a relationship. We'd known each other for three years prior. People who have known each other for far less time move in together. 1. You guys are fighting in public completely drunk after the night club close, extremely unorganized (no money, no keys, no phone), then one of you disappears and leaves the other one wonder around in a strange city - I'm sorry, but that does not sound like healthy loving relationship between two emotionally mature people. Sounds like two teenagers, and you know it. Being "out of yourself" it's not a crime and I'm not passing judgments. I only believe that you should both allow yourself to find yourself and what you want and what you have to offer first, and then commit yourself in a relationship. I've been an emotional mess myself in the past and these things have happened to me as well, I wouldn't dare to call those relationships healty and stable though. Plus this situation wasn't a one isolated mistake, but has happened before. 2-3. I have lived in four different countries in last three years. To first one, I went on my own knowing no-one and nothing like that ever happened to me cos being safe is my first priority. To second one, I went with my boyfriend and knew no-one else beside him, didn't even speak his language, again nothing like that happened. BUT wherever we went we ALWAYS made sure that I have a phone working and at least a taxi money to reach safely home, in case I get lost or something like that. And he can be a jerk, but he would never ever leave me like that. So you DO need to be more careful and responsible for your own sake if you're in a strange country. You'r a young attractive girl, you cannot be too safe. Again I'm not passing judgement, I'm expressing my opinion and sharing my experience. Something really really bad could have happened to you, girl, you should not take it lightly. 4. "I didn't sleep outside. I was in the safety of my complex, which has security and CCTV." Really? Well, then it's another case 5. Jumping into a relationship - I didn't mean living together or moving into another country for him (I'm all for that, living life as adventure, been there, done that). What I'm saying is that you need to make sure you're up for the commitment and responsabilty before you do that. You bf CLEARLY has issues with it, doesn't mean that he's a bad man of course, just issues. (like most of us) When I moved to my bf country and I was relying on him more than ever, I could see him freaking out - not easy to be resposnible for someone else! But I believed in him that he's mature enough and can cope with it. I hope you can see the same in your bf from now on and that was the last wake up call needed. Again, good luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ghost69 Posted September 15, 2009 Share Posted September 15, 2009 1. I am emotionally stable, but thank you for passing judgment on me anyways. 2. It's hard to be independent when I'm living in a country I am unfamiliar with. I'm not from the UK. I've only been here a couple of months. 3. I know how to take care of myself, I lent him my last £40 before we left the bar, hence why I didn't have any money. 4. I didn't sleep outside. I was in the safety of my complex, which has security and CCTV. 5. We didn't "jump into" a relationship. We'd known each other for three years prior. People who have known each other for far less time move in together. emotionally stable? i'd say yeah. is your head in the right spot? that i think is a different story. see below I don't need any help with quitting alcohol. My issues may come to the surface when I am drunk, but I can and will stop drinking at the drop of a hat, I am not an alcoholic. Sigh... Okay, I'm begging you all... we get it, we're alcoholics (apparently, now I am too). We've agreed to stop drinking. But what we have come here for, begging for help with...is how to get this relationship back on track. We both love each other and aren't ready for this to end because amongst the bad... you guys don't see us behind closed doors. You only know what is posted on this forum. We have a wonderful relationship. He did a terrible thing, but I've forgiven him for it. I need to know how to move on from this and he needs to know how to rebuild my trust. I don't need everyone jumping on us calling us alcoholics. We understand that alcohol is the underlying issue to what's happened... which is why we have decided to stop drinking. We just need to know how to move past it. we are not alcoholics - okay, we get that. just ignore them if anybody else says it. beating the horse with it now. not trying to be rude. i haven't said anything on this relationship or anything about you guys...virtually...ever. i know, 'oh great, it's ghost.' most think that. i'm going to comment anyways. what i think happened here: -carnatic - i cannot explain these actions. i think something is definitely wrong with either your body reacting to alcohol somehow and your mind going blank, or something else is going on. i'm not a doctor, but i think it's neurological. i've read about the problems you had long ago before this even began. i can't say i didn't see it coming, cause, well, quite frankly, i didn't see this relationship coming about or moreso how it came about so fast and in an abrupt situation. -ilmbc - you say over and over again you've known each other for 3 years. that's great. did you meet in person before this venture? i'm not sure you did, i must have missed that. i tend to think no. i think you made a hasty decision in moving to be with someone you've never met though. you could have talked for 5 years for all i care. still...just my opinion. what is going on with you? hmmmm. i honestly think you are running from something. maybe your situation back here at home, i don't know. this was an out for you. it was an opportune moment for you to grasp something and get away from it all when all else seemed hopeless back here maybe. just a projection i think happened. is it your mom? dad? i can't say. but i think it's a subconscious and hasty decision that overwhelmed you and you took it because it seemed better. i think the honeymoon and the excitement is wearing off on you now. you might be realizing carnatic isn't the guy for you and your decision might have been more rash than you thought. you want to love him because you care for him, but i'm just not convinced by the way you've expressed it here that you are or can be in love with him. and i don't see you guys in person so i cannot really say. i'm basing this on the facts given not just on this thread but others i've read and sat in the corner on. i could be completely waaaaaaaaaaay off on this, but in actuality, what i've read, to be honest, i've sat and just shook my head and at your situation. not just you, but the way you guys are and what you type up here. not to belittle you guys, but your situation is to me. i really have no feelings for many people here, cause, well, i type to help, you can either like it or not. hate ghost or like him. i don't care. BUT, i will give advice when i think it's warranted. i don't think your situation is healthy and i'm sure others agree, it's a toxic situation. you guys aren't fighting and bruising each other's faces, but this mental anguish you feel isn't any better. that's why i say it's toxic. i cannot even fathom leaving any past gf behind, blacking out, not knowing what happened, waking up thinking everything is okay. i know i've never done that and i've been beyond smashed drunk to where i could barely walk. i still knew my mental capacity though and never did anything to harm anybody. (cept for some bar fights, but those were warranted) but that's neither here nor there. but to do this to my girl twice? wow. something is up. it's fine and dandy to say you guys will quit drinking. great. really, seriously, good for both of you. will stop drinking save this relationship? 'pffffft' is really how i feel. i'm not even sure there was a relationship to begin with. to me this whole thing just sounded like one of those exciting things that sounded good at the time and now that time is over. my 2 pounds. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
guitargirl1607308056 Posted September 15, 2009 Share Posted September 15, 2009 We're looking into actual couples counseling but it will take a little while to set up and just wanted some opinions. Jenn, I really think you and Will should focus heavily on trying to find an objective source of support/counseling. This nonsense here is not constructive. Good luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Firecracker Posted September 15, 2009 Share Posted September 15, 2009 Jenn, I really think you and Will should focus heavily on trying to find an objective source of support/counseling. This nonsense here is not constructive. Good luck. I think these posts are about as objective as you will ever find. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KG Posted September 15, 2009 Share Posted September 15, 2009 My 2 c's.....you both need to quit drinking, together. Support yourselves together through it, and try to rebuild the level of trust from there. Counseling wouldn't hurt in this regard, either. I hope you two find peace with each other, I really do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Honey Pumpkin Posted September 15, 2009 Share Posted September 15, 2009 I don't think that he nearly got ILMBC raped or murdered, as some posters have put it. I do think that's far too extreme, as if women will die without a boyfriend. Just to put it in perspective - yes, it's a different country, but with a common language. I think you both need to work on a couple of things. I think quit drinking for a month or so, see if that makes a difference. If it's too hard for either of you to do that, then yes, you have serious issues. I think there is a cultural difference - drinking is a big thing here, it's not big or clever, but Carnatic doesn't sound that different from my antics as a teenager/early twenties. Horrified now by them, but he sounds pretty normal to be honest, to me. I think I would be furious with him too, and I don't know how you get past that. I would be tempted for you both to see how the relationship fared without booze, to see if he were caring and concerned for you, and if you stopped with the strops and storming off! Finally, hand on heart, I wouldn't post here. It feels incredibly intimate, and unfair - ILMBC is a hugely popular well known poster, I don't think I've seen a post by her boyfriend before (sorry!). So I don't think the advice is impartial. There you go, my ramblings! keep each other safe. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annalisa84 Posted September 15, 2009 Share Posted September 15, 2009 and I never showed up, so she had to walk home... on the way a guy tried to sexually assault her (fortunately he was weak and she could fight him off, but ran the rest of the way home, falling over and skinning her knee in the process). Oh, what if.. What if the guy was not weak, but quite determinated and strong and the story would have ended in a very different way. Would everyone then still suggest to just quite drinking and start building trust again? He is not responsible for her safety, she is. She should have had the money, keys and phone. But she didn't, he knew it and she trusted him to take care of her. He instead got himself totally drunk and disappeared, taking no responsabilty. This is at least disfunctional, if not dangerous. But well, let's hope they learn, like we all have. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dangletsbang Posted September 15, 2009 Share Posted September 15, 2009 If you'll read the beginning of the posts - he states that a man DID try to SEXUALLY ASSAULT her, so yes, she could have been raped or murdered...which thankfully, she wasn't. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FreedomRing Posted September 15, 2009 Share Posted September 15, 2009 Not true. The only ones who can decide whether or not to stay in the relationship are the people in it. Since both have expressed their desire to try to make it work, they are asking for advice on that. Personally, my advice was in response to their questions. Had they asked IF they should stay (either of them), then I would have given my opinion. They did not. So my advice is based on the position they choose to be in. One does not need to endorse a course of action in order to advise on it. One can just as easily say "if this is the path you are taking, then this is my advice" Fair enough...you are capable of doing this, read some of the other post on here..not everyone is. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FortunateOne Posted September 15, 2009 Share Posted September 15, 2009 I 100% agree with this post. I know if I were either subjects' father I'd have a great deal to opine about how this relationship came to be and the denied emotional issues. I really think they both need individule psychological help: one for the self destructive alcohol related issue and the other for the denial of the issue that caused her to run away and ignore it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ghost69 Posted September 15, 2009 Share Posted September 15, 2009 Oh, what if.. What if the guy was not weak, but quite determinated and strong and the story would have ended in a very different way. Would everyone then still suggest to just quite drinking and start building trust again? He is not responsible for her safety, she is. She should have had the money, keys and phone. But she didn't, he knew it and she trusted him to take care of her. He instead got himself totally drunk and disappeared, taking no responsabilty. This is at least disfunctional, if not dangerous. But well, let's hope they learn, like we all have. the way i see it, as bf/gf you stick together if you are out together. i mean, you don't have to walk around the bar holding hands and all that, but you just don't bail, black out and lock your girl outside the flat. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carnatic Posted September 16, 2009 Author Share Posted September 16, 2009 OK... Things got worse. I thought the best way to show her I could change was to take her to a nightclub and stay sober. That way I could show her I don't need to get drunk. It was going well until she got talking to some guy. He seemed nice enough, until he and her dissapeared from view, being responsible I moved to get a better view, that's when it happened. I went to follow, just so I could still see her, and a load of guys claiming to be his mates blocked me (nothing against the guy himself, he seems nice) These guys dragged me away, amd tried beating me up, I escaped but was instantly worried about ILMBC. I phoned the police but it turns out she was OK... Still, I don't. Know what to do. I feel like I can't protect her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IphigeniaSaysHi Posted September 16, 2009 Share Posted September 16, 2009 Do you live in Gotham City with all of these thugs????? I'm sorry this happened, what the hell is wrong with people? Stay away from pubs and nightclubs right now? Other drunk people are hostile and this could have been the reason. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hers Posted September 16, 2009 Share Posted September 16, 2009 Will, why did you call the police? Where did they take her? Maybe you guys should stop going to pubs and stuff. Stick to restaurants and bowling allies or something at night, and nice outings during the day. Eesh, remind me never to go to liverpool. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Firecracker Posted September 16, 2009 Share Posted September 16, 2009 You guys are hanging out in the wrong places. Why don't you find a nice neighborhood and just go to a restaurant or a movie, maybe the ice cream store...instead of the bar? I can think of lots of other safe activities too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bronte Posted September 16, 2009 Share Posted September 16, 2009 I don't quite understand the latest story--the guy himself was nice but his friends tried to beat you up why? And where was she when you called the police? I can see why you wanted to go out and "prove" yourself in that kind of setting, but I do think you two should plan some quiet evenings where not only you two but the people around you are all sober. That's the kind of time together that will help build up a bond of trust and closeness, not evenings in nightclubs... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bella20 Posted September 16, 2009 Share Posted September 16, 2009 wait wait.... i've read this before. it happened again?!? you need to stop leaving your girl! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
livinginsbi Posted September 16, 2009 Share Posted September 16, 2009 you have got to be kidding... the definition of insanity is to keep doing the same thing and expecting different results... and I really don't care if you were drinking or not... why the hell do you keep going out to bars... stay home already... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Firecracker Posted September 16, 2009 Share Posted September 16, 2009 How about taking some photos in the daytime, when there are lots of people around? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
renaissancewoman101 Posted September 16, 2009 Share Posted September 16, 2009 I don't think he left her. Didn't he say that he was watching her while she talked to some guy and then they moved out of view, and he tried to follow and was accosted by the guy's friends/thugs? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
renaissancewoman101 Posted September 16, 2009 Share Posted September 16, 2009 OK... Things got worse. I thought the best way to show her I could change was to take her to a nightclub and stay sober. That way I could show her I don't need to get drunk. It was going well until she got talking to some guy. He seemed nice enough, until he and her dissapeared from view, being responsible I moved to get a better view, that's when it happened. I went to follow, just so I could still see her, and a load of guys claiming to be his mates blocked me (nothing against the guy himself, he seems nice) These guys dragged me away, amd tried beating me up, I escaped but was instantly worried about ILMBC . I phoned the police but it turns out she was OK... Still, I don't. Know what to do. I feel like I can't protect her. This was what I was referring to. He seems to have tried to keep her out of harm, and gotten beaten up himself. Liverpool sounds like a dangerous place. My best friend and his bf have been to the UK and to London for 10 days before (twice) and never reported anything untoward happening to them. And they went out with friends that were living there too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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