Urgently need to right a wrong.

[thejigsup]

He loves her, but not enough to protect her when he is drunk. If she stays with him, there's a very good chance she will either be killed or raped within a short period of time. He cannot look out for her properly. He is not a bad person, he just lacks a little common sense and stability when he drinks. She loves him, I'm sure of that, but she stands a good chance of being killed! No love, no matter how strong, is worth that.

[homeagain]

not only is he not protecting her, he is more actively putting her in danger. i think that is the part that makes me think she should leave.

 

obviously, it is your decision what to do, ilmbc, but this is a serious red flag.

[ColorBlue]

As long as he quits drinking, it shouldn't really be a problem. This stuff only seems to happen when he's drunk. Honestly though, no one needs to drink to have some fun. Do it from the safety of your home. That's possible in England right? Just drink at home if you MUST drink, but I really think you should just stop it completely. I don't agree with others saying "LEAVELEAVELEAVE" when you're both looking to fix things. Clearly its only the alcohol that causes these situations, so if you take that out then she should be safe with you. Otherwise, she might as well leave if you can't kill your desire to drink. I'm not saying you're an alcoholic because I really don't know, I'm just saying you don't need to. As for restoring trust, that's only going to happen through time, and honestly its not going to be the same as before any of this happened. Its like trying to duct tape something that's been broken. You no longer have the strength of what you originally had, and the tape is holding it together mostly. It's not going to be as strong, but it'll hold, as long as whatever broke it in the first place doesn't come again, but soon enough there won't be enough room for that tape to work anymore. At that point, it's over. How was that analogy? lol

[Miss Firecracker]

The way I see it, if he could have stopped drinking after that first time she was almost killed...he WOULD have. I think it's a full blown case of alcoholism that has to be dealt with. I mean, seriously, I remember how horrified Carnatic was that week it happened. But he did it again. I think he has no control over his drinking at all.

 

And since ILMBC likes to drink also, you would both have to quit together to make this work. The honeymoon is over to say the least.

[thejigsup]

He has a pattern of doing this. She shouldn't wait until he doesn't have the chance to do it again. It isn't done on purpose on his part, that is what makes it scary. He can't control it!

[NightLily]

 

How do I start to move on and view him as a boyfriend again?

 

All the advice in the advice in the world isn't going to change your gut emotions. I think this might actually be a clear case where you need to trust your feelings and not force yourself to feel something else.

 

I'm under the impression he does not admit to have a drinking problem or this being caused by alcohol? If you are drinking to the point of having no memory of the night before.. this is OBVIOUSLY a problem. Either one of addiction, irresponsibility, or a total lack of knowing one's limits (but shouldn't that be sorted out after a few years of drinking?). These are all major issues that are dire enough that they have resulted in an extremely unsafe outcome two too many times.

 

It is hard to see through the fog when you are in it. What you need to go by here, in my opinion, are exactly those emotions. You are having them for a legitimate reason and there is no shame in that.

[jengh]

Thank you all for your responses. We talked for quite awhile and came to the conclusion that he's not going to drink anymore (neither will I most likely, because what fun is there in drinking alone). The incidents are all isolated and tend to only happen when alcohol is involved. He doesn't think he has a drinking problem (he said earlier, "I could stop at anytime"...so I said, "okay, do it") so we'll try this and go from there. Maybe he doesn't have any control, maybe that is where all of our problems lie. If not drinking (both of us) is what it takes, we'll do it.

 

I just want to stress what a great guy he is sober. He's everything I've ever wanted in a partner and it hurts me that people are so quick to judge him. What he did was horrible and inexcusable regardless of what the excuse... but he is so loving, affectionate, we have so much chemistry (in every aspect), he does so much for me and I can't just give all of that up.

 

Like Renny said, my life back in Michigan was crap. Flying back will only bring on different issues.

 

He's in therapy at the moment, but only going once every two weeks. He's agreed to start going weekly and look into some sort of couples counseling as well.

 

Walking away isn't always the answer. Thank you to everyone who sees that. Sigh...this is why there are so many divorces. People give up on one another too easily and just throw in the towel.

[renaissancewoman101]

ILMBC, it's good that you guys talked and have come to the conclusion of MUTUALLY stopping the drinking. That will help, as will him getting counseling, and you guys getting couples counseling.

 

I admire that you guys are willing to WORK on the relationship. Too many people nowadays give up quickly on relationships once it gets hard and the honeymoon period is over. No wonder there are so many breakups and divorces.

 

I wish the both of you guys the best and that all works out.

[jengh]

Thank you, Ren. I really appreciate that.

 

It's going to be really hard... but if it all works out in the end, totally worth it.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

I guess people are quick to judge because that first attack on you was really scary.

That is all they're seeing, not the other points in the relationship. Honestly, it could have happened at any time if you had been out shopping alone or something.

 

Quitting drinking is going to be hard but with therapy it's much more attainable.

You'll be ok.

[FarthestEdge]

.... But I need some big gesture to stop her sliding further and further away in the short term...

 

.

 

Quit Drinking. Alltogether.

 

IMO, that's the only 'big gesture' I'd even consider appropriate.

 

None of this would have happened if you hadn't gotten that drunk & lost your wits.

 

How would you feel if she HAD been raped or murdered? She took a big chance to be with you, & you have let her down.

 

IMO the only way she can be assured that it won't happen again, in truth the only way YOU can honestly say it won't happen again, is if you quit drinking.

 

Edit to add: Sorry- this is a bit late in the conversation. Glad to see you have already decided to do this. Doing it together is the very best. You can build new memories in finding other ways to have together...Good luck to you both.

[Carnatic]

Carnatic, I think beyond the drinking issue (which you are obviously aware of), there are some things you need to work through: Think about what it is that may have made you walk away from an argument rather than staying and discussing it rationally. Other than the alcohol, can you pinpoint a pattern in your dealings with others when things get uncomfortable? Do you find that you feel the need to disappear when that happens? If so, think about why you might do this. Are you afraid of confrontation? Are you afraid that if you stay and argue you will lose the person? Are you afraid of saying the wrong thing? Are you afraid of being abandoned, so you "walk away" in a sense, first? These are things that your counselor might be able to help you sort out.

 

*sigh* It's proving complicated. I mean I'm not an alcoholic, so when I say I will stop drinking (or at least not get drunk until I've dealt with my problems) there is know reason for anyone to think that I would have difficulty in doing that. ILMBC agrees with this, she doesn't think that I would be incapable of it.

 

But still the problem is persisiting. We feel more like we're going about it in the right way now. We do tend to handle arguments pretty well. They tend to make us both upset and scared of losing each other, and we remind each other how much we love each other and talk through what we were arguing about. Any way, I feel that it isn't just a case of her believing me when I say it won't happen again... because I think she does believe it won't happen again. But she still feels like we are drifting apart.

 

And I do have deeper issues. I only really found out in the last month or two, through meetings with my therapist and my GP, but I do have a long standing issue with depression and anxiety. I can also be emotional and impulsive and have problems with attention, memory and focus. When I'm really drunk these become worse, so I'll stop drinking for a while, at least till my issues are resolved. It's not so much an alcohol problem, just that depressives shouldn't really drink to excess, and it's taken me a while to realise that my issues were deep seated and long term, not just a short term anxiety problem.

[NightLily]

Thank you to everyone who sees that. Sigh...this is why there are so many divorces. People give up on one another too easily and just throw in the towel.

 

 

I would possibly agree with this statement except for the fact that this has happened more than once, is a huge slip up, and you two just started dating. It can't be over three months? And, talking online really shouldn't be counted in there. If you really can't currently see him as your boyfriend, after only a few months physically dating, I don't see why you are forcing yourself.

 

If you had just started dating somebody and they abandoned you drunk and penniless on the streets EVEN ONCE, you wouldn't say "oh we have to work this out.. or, this will be the same reason people get divorced." You would just be getting to know the person. And, while you had online contact, in this case, it is obviously no substitute for actual contact.

 

So, while I can respect your decision to try to work it out, don't put so much weight on not working it out. It wouldn't be the equivalent of being the type of person who might end up getting a divorce. Looking at it that way will only make it harder for you to leave when you may need to (for your physical safety).

[annalisa84]

I would not forgive you.

 

Someone I love can lie to me, cheat on me, do all sorts of hurtful things and I will have to look deep inside of me to see whether I can still emotionally invest in him, whether I can still trust him, whether he can still have a positive impact on my life.

 

But if that someone really puts my life in danger, there is no question - out of my life! You don't get a second chance to "keep me alive". We only have this one short precious life and if the person I share it with leaves me in a middle of the night in a strange and dangerous city without no money, no keys, no phone, just takes off cos he's pissed off and totally pissed and I have to wonder through the city, scared and in danger, sleep OUTSIDE ?! then.. I don't understand how anyone can tell you that "Stop drinking and be a good boyfriend". What you did is IMO unforgivable and I think your girlfriend should have a little bit more self-respect and independence to walk away and say your not good for her at the moment and you put her in danger!

 

You should both work on yourself and become emotionally more stable before you can jump into a relationship. It's a question about respect and responsabilty. And by the way.. your girlfriend definitely has to become more independent. Even if I had a jerk boyfriend who'd leave me like that - as I am an adult, I should be able to take care of myself without the need to wonder through terrifying city and sleeping outside.

 

Anyway, as I understand you decided to stick together.. I'm all for love, I hope you show to all the skeptics here (me) that you can make it. Good luck.

[livinginsbi]

Sorry Carnactic.. but you DO have a problem with alcohol.. it may be secondary to something else, but sheesh.... open your eyes and see this for what it is. In fact, perhaps both of you have a problem with it. Your continued denial of it would put me out the door.

[renaissancewoman101]

I would cut them some slack. They are both willing to work on the issues.

 

Maybe with some work and self-restraint, this can all work out.

 

I guess I am one of the few people who like to work out relationships, even when unsurmountable problems show up.

[dangletsbang]

If I were abandoned in a foreign county by my SO, no money, phone, means of transportation and assaulted - I would forgive..a mistake is a mistake.

 

This to happen for a second time? I wouldn't forgive, I couldn't.

 

as for what needs to happen, what you/ilmbc need to focus on, etc...I agree with everything SuzyQ stated above.

[dangletsbang]

I like to work my relationships out too - I don't give up easily.

 

But if my SO put my life in danger..not once..but twice..? That's not showing that he cares about my well being. Alcohol is not an excuse - obviously, it was part of the problem. It's good that you say you're going to quit drinking..but it's easier said than done.

 

Carn, you really need to work on this. While alcohol can be extremely fun..it also can become extremely dangerous, as you have experienced.

[jengh]

1. I am emotionally stable, but thank you for passing judgment on me anyways.

2. It's hard to be independent when I'm living in a country I am unfamiliar with. I'm not from the UK. I've only been here a couple of months.

3. I know how to take care of myself, I lent him my last £40 before we left the bar, hence why I didn't have any money.

4. I didn't sleep outside. I was in the safety of my complex, which has security and CCTV.

5. We didn't "jump into" a relationship. We'd known each other for three years prior. People who have known each other for far less time move in together.

[Carnatic]

I don't need any help with quitting alcohol. My issues may come to the surface when I am drunk, but I can and will stop drinking at the drop of a hat, I am not an alcoholic.

[jengh]

Sigh...

Okay, I'm begging you all... we get it, we're alcoholics (apparently, now I am too). We've agreed to stop drinking.

 

But what we have come here for, begging for help with...is how to get this relationship back on track. We both love each other and aren't ready for this to end because amongst the bad... you guys don't see us behind closed doors. You only know what is posted on this forum. We have a wonderful relationship. He did a terrible thing, but I've forgiven him for it. I need to know how to move on from this and he needs to know how to rebuild my trust.

 

I don't need everyone jumping on us calling us alcoholics. We understand that alcohol is the underlying issue to what's happened... which is why we have decided to stop drinking. We just need to know how to move past it.

[avman]

Sigh...

Okay, I'm begging you all... we get it, we're alcoholics (apparently, now I am too). We've agreed to stop drinking.

 

But what we have come here for, begging for help with...is how to get this relationship back on track. We both love each other and aren't ready for this to end because amongst the bad... you guys don't see us behind closed doors. You only know what is posted on this forum. We have a wonderful relationship. He did a terrible thing, but I've forgiven him for it. I need to know how to move on from this and he needs to know how to rebuild my trust.

 

I don't need everyone jumping on us calling us alcoholics. We understand that alcohol is the underlying issue to what's happened... which is why we have decided to stop drinking. We just need to know how to move past it.

 

You both did decide to open this can of worms and post here. You can't now complain about the advice that you get or that people have varying viewpoints on your relationship and how you should handle it. You asked early on that we (the mods) keep this thread open so you can hear what people think and we obliged. But I think you can see why we generally cringe when a couple both come here and ask the forum to comment on their relationship. You aren't always going to like what you hear and you have to have an open mind about the points many people are making.

[avman]

I don't need any help with quitting alcohol. My issues may come to the surface when I am drunk, but I can and will stop drinking at the drop of a hat, I am not an alcoholic.

 

Every addict I know has said those same words. The fact that these situations keep happening and alcohol is involved indicates a problem with alcohol. Denial doesn't change this I'm afraid. Please do seek treatment and at least talk to someone about what is going on.

[FarthestEdge]

Well, I think that the best thing you can do is find other ways to spend time together...

 

Curl up & watch some good movies together

Go to the museums, small independent theatres etc.

Volunteer together at the local cat shelter

Pick up a hobby and take a class together

Exercise, go for bike rides, take a yoga or tai chi class in the park

Play video games together..

 

The point is to build some fun memories (that you can both actually remember ;D) WHILE you're choosing to not drink. Really you're achieving 3 things:

 

1) You're not drinking (which I think for now, is probably a pretty good idea. Alcoholic or not, the results have not been favourable)

2) You're finding out if you really DO connect on the things that bring happiness and pleasure to your life (except for the aforementioned alcohol..sorry, I don't mean to harp on it...)

3) You're building a memory bank of good times, that, if the relationship is going to continue, you will need for the "good" side of the good/bad scale.

 

ILMBC, I for one am not saying you're an alcoholic. Not sure about your bf- it depends how one defines it, I guess. I AM saying, if you are determined to make this thing work, you need to help him with his 'grand gesture' of not drinking for now, because a third incident like this must be avoided at all costs...plus it's always good to support your partner in their decision to make positive changes. The best way to get through this is through substituting other things to enjoy each others company so you're not tempted to go to the pub for 'just one'

 

I hope something here helps.

[jengh]

Thank you, that's very helpful. Tried to rep, but apparently I've repped too much today