Urgently need to right a wrong.

[SapphireNoir10]

Im sorry ILMBC, I know it must be hard. I've been where you are, am at the moment infact. Where I love someone, but I find it impossible to trust they wont let me down again and it makes it SO hard and difficult because you do just wanna go back to when they didnt let you down and you try and get over it and you can for a while but then it all comes back to you.

 

I think you need to have some space to think...are you considering returning home?

[amipushy]

Wrong. This isn't about grand gestures. This is about being a man and protecting your women. That's your role. To make sure no harm comes to her, ever. If that means you forgo 'fun', you do just that. I may be old fashioned but that's what a man does.

 

You need to explore why you have not done this, twice. You need to stop making excuses and realize you will lose her if you don't grow up. At 26, you should be not getting that drunk and acting like an idiot. Again just an opinion.

 

I agree 100%.. a big gesture? wth?

 

If you are getting so drunk you're having blackouts and putting others at risk you DO have a drink problem. Give it up dude, and grow up.

[NightLily]

But he doesn't seem to be taking care of you...

 

This is true. If you want to try and see if you can work on this, you need to make sure you are safe.

 

Yeah, he F-d up but my guess is you were slightly intoxicated yourself? Even if you are out with him, as a young lady, and especially if you are drinking, you need to bring your cell phone. And sure, no need to carry wads of cash but at least have a 20 on hand. Just don't expect him to protect you and especially not after this. Be smart.

 

Maybe you should both lay off the alcohol for the time being.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

This is the perfect case of that old theory that a healthy relationship requires healthy people. Neither of you are exactly where you want to be mentally, emotionally, physically, etc and in turn a lot of mess is being created. Really focus on making goals for yourselves; what needs to stop NOW in your behaviors, and which behaviors are keeping you together.

 

Ok, I like when you do/say this.

I realize I'm screwing this up when I do/say this.

[jengh]

Im sorry ILMBC, I know it must be hard. I've been where you are, am at the moment infact. Where I love someone, but I find it impossible to trust they wont let me down again and it makes it SO hard and difficult because you do just wanna go back to when they didnt let you down and you try and get over it and you can for a while but then it all comes back to you.

 

I think you need to have some space to think...are you considering returning home?

 

Yeah, I mean... I want this to work out so badly and I'm so conflicted. I feel like, if we can resolve these issues that we have, it will be a wonderful, fulfilling relationship. But at the same time, I don't know how to regain trust that he won't do something like this again.

 

As for returning home, I really don't want to. I considered it, the idea is still floating around in my head but I don't think I will. My girlfriend is coming to visit at the end of September for 3 weeks and we're going to be going out of town just the two of us, so I'll be getting at least a little space then.

[SapphireNoir10]

Yeah, I mean... I want this to work out so badly and I'm so conflicted. I feel like, if we can resolve these issues that we have, it will be a wonderful, fulfilling relationship. But at the same time, I don't know how to regain trust that he won't do something like this again.

 

As for returning home, I really don't want to. I considered it, the idea is still floating around in my head but I don't think I will. My girlfriend is coming to visit at the end of September for 3 weeks and we're going to be going out of town just the two of us, so I'll be getting at least a little space then.

 

I guess it comes down to either ending it. Or giving him a chance to rebuild the trust. But make it perfectly clear if anything remotley like this happens again or he walks away again. It will be over and you will be going home.

 

If you give him a chance, make it the final one. And if you do make sure you set some conditions as in, less drinking, more thinking.

[jengh]

I guess it comes down to either ending it. Or giving him a chance to rebuild the trust. But make it perfectly clear if anything remotley like this happens again or he walks away again. It will be over and you will be going home.

 

If you give him a chance, make it the final one. And if you do make sure you set some conditions as in, less drinking, more thinking.

 

I actually said that exact thing earlier. I've made it clear that this is the absolute last chance. I'm not too proud to go home, he knows I'll go if it comes down to it.

[SapphireNoir10]

Which you should. You are giving him this fair chance, to rebuild/fix the relationship which is more than a lot of girls would do. If he truly cares he wont make the mistake again.

[Carnatic]

Wrong. This isn't about grand gestures. This is about being a man and protecting your women. That's your role. To make sure no harm comes to her, ever. If that means you forgo 'fun', you do just that. I may be old fashioned but that's what a man does.

 

You need to explore why you have not done this, twice. You need to stop making excuses and realize you will lose her if you don't grow up. At 26, you should be not getting that drunk and acting like an idiot. Again just an opinion.

 

jonas, your comments aren't helpful.

1st off I don't know where you got it into your head that I'm playing the 'I was drunk' excuse. I never said it was an excuse, you just assumed that.

 

Secondly, it is ILMBC's own decision that I need to do something fast to make the trust come back as it's a race against time. Her trust didn't take a one hit, it's being sapped. Even now, 3 days after the incident. She wanted this and I am not one to argue with that, she knows what she needs. Of course I'll improve long term as well.

[livinginsbi]

OK prudish old person giving her 2 cents... quit drinking... all I see here is excuse after excuse with the alcohol..... if you can't handle, don't do it.. and it looks like you can't handle it.

[dragon lady]

I don't think you should give up just yet. You both seem to be happy together (aside from this situation). If you want to try and make it work, then the best thing to do would be to set some rules up for when you go out. No more than X amount of drinks and no leaving each other behind anywhere. It sounds like you both need to cool your tempers a bit too. If you need to have an argument, then save it for when you're at home. No good can come from having one in public.

 

If this doesn't work and Jenn ever feels abandoned or threatened again, then I think it would be best to call it quits. I know you both don't want it to come to this, so work on these problems. I believe that Jenn will be able to regain trust if she is never put in another one of these situations again. It will take time and perseverance, but it can be done. This is why setting up some ground rules is very important.

[jengh]

Thank you...we definitely need to come up with some better ground rules. I'm very short-tempered and tend to storm off on occasion (something I need to work on, a thread allll of its own, ha). I agree with no fighting in public, especially with alcohol added into the mix. It never ends well. Either just need to not drink or majorly, majorly, majorly limit it. It can't come to this again. It just can't.

 

I honestly think the relationship can be salvaged. What he did was horrible and I'm ridiculously upset by it, yes... but I've forgiven him and all I want to do is move on.... I just don't know how and I need help doing so or figuring out how to do so.

 

How do I start to move on and view him as a boyfriend again?

[homeagain]

i recently moved accross country to be with my on/off bf of five years. when i arrived (2,600 miles away from home), i was desperate to make it work. i thought i loved him, i thought he loved me, and i was so far from home and knew no one... what choice did i have but to try? then, as we were trying, incidents like this came up. he threatened to kick me out in the middle of the night because it was 'his apartment'. we were living in a bad neighborhood with a drug and gang problem, so that would have put me in serious danger. the only real thing i had with me was my car. while driving it, he threatened me and drove wrecklessly, threatening to hurt me and also kill the one asset i had here.

 

i moved out. now i live alone. it's hard, and i had no concept of the financial realities of living in a big city, so i'm pretty broke. but now i never have to worry about being thrown out in the middle of the night. i never have to worried about being threatened or put in danger.

 

if this situation keeps happening, it isn't just going to suddenly stop happening. i was really scared to give up on the relationship and to tell you the truth, i'm still scared about affording life out here on my own. i don't know if that is how you feel, but this has happened multiple times now. what if next time you get raped? or stabbed? where is it that you draw the line for your own personal safety? i got out after the third time he threatened to kill me in the car while driving. yep, third. i kept giving him more chances and he kept having bigger temper explosions. there isn't going to be a fourth time now, because i don't want to know how serious he was about the threat.

 

my ex is an academic receiving a phd. he comes from an affluent family and he goes to a great school. i used to think this meant he couldn't really hurt me, but now i know that i was a fool. none of that matters. the fact that i was so naive and dependent on him because of our living situation meant i stayed a lot longer than i should have.

 

i'm worried that when i read this thread, i see a lot of my own story. choosing to move on is hard. doing it in a new place where you don't know anyone can feel impossible. some practical things for you to think about: get keys to the flat if you're going to stay. always have some escape money and a charged cell phone on you. find one place (be it a hotel, friends, a shelter) where you can go. don't sleep in the corridor any more. never walk alone. get some mace to put on your keychain. get the number of the local police and put it in your phone... if you need someone to escort you, explain that you are an american and got yourself in a jam, but you didn't know the area or anyone else to call and you needed an escort.

 

good luck.

[lavenderdove]

I think there is an important fix that can be made right away...

 

It is obvious that Carnatic can't drink, if he is having blackouts and not remembering what he is doing and doing things that endanger ILMBC and himself and other people. People don't usually get blackouts like that until they're pretty far along on the drinking too much/alcoholism scale, so it is time to stop.

 

I think you could re-establish trust by agreeing to no longer drink at all, and if you can't give it up on your own, then you need rehab or a program.

 

Since these episodes are strictly related to drinking, if the drinking stops, trust might be restored. Everyone reacts differently to drugs and alcohol, and some people just can't drink because they can't handle it and have blackouts and lose their judgment.

 

So that is the first step, to totally stop drinking. If she's worth it to you, you'll do it. And ILMBC, if he can't or won't, then he's an alcoholic who loves his alcohol more than you or anything else, and you don't want to sign up for a lifetime of that.

[SapphireNoir10]

I think to start moving on you need to try and forget the past. Have a fresh start, fresh slate. But not forget the lessons you've learnt and what you've learnt about him.

 

Also LESS drinking.

[jengh]

Thank you all for your help. Will respond tomorrow to the replies. We're going to talk some more and get to bed, it's 1:20...seriously, everyone's input is so much appreciated.

[avman]

I think ILMB Cairo should pack up and go back home where she is safe. So far she could have been murdered twice. I think that's enough. Not that it's any of my business but I believe in my heart that is what should happen, as soon as humanly possible.

 

I have to say I agree with this. I really think both of you have things you need to work on separately. There seems to be serious issues with alcohol here. And also there are safety concerns which have resulted in two very dangerous outcomes in just the past couple of months. I mean truthfully ILMBC could have ended up dead. That's not something you would have forgiven yourself for and it's an outcome nobody here wants to see.

 

Separate for awhile. Carnatic you get yourself into treatment. Take some time and earn back trust. Then perhaps later on down the line you can try again.

[livinginsbi]

I'm sorry for the reference of this comment.. I believe it was on the sex and the city movie... but.. after steve had an affair on miranda, it came to the point whether she was either going to forgive him or not. And if she did, it would be a clean slate... no talk of the past wrongs, just focus on the future. I'm all for having a good time, but it sounds like the times are not very good.... maybe it's time for you two to clean slate it and see what happens.

[browneyedgirl36]

I agree with a lot of the responses here. You already know a big thing you need to do: Not drink so much when you go out. I don't know how much you drink or how often, so I am not going to comment on whether or not you have a "drinking problem" because I have no idea. BUT...how about coming up with a limit: "When we go out, no more than two drinks a piece for the whole night." Then, if you want to have another drink later, why not do it when you get home? Or, better yet, don't drink anything while out and save it until you get home. It will save you some money, too, I'll bet, because drinks in clubs and pubs are surely as overpriced in England as they are in the States.

 

And, you need to agree that no matter HOW angry you might be, you will either 1) Talk about your issue right then and there; no one walks away alone. The conversation is NOT over until you both arrive safely at home. Or...2) You agree, right there on the spot, that you will go home and THEN discuss/argue/etc. -- that there will be no talking about the issue until you get home safely.

 

Carnatic, I think beyond the drinking issue (which you are obviously aware of), there are some things you need to work through: Think about what it is that may have made you walk away from an argument rather than staying and discussing it rationally. Other than the alcohol, can you pinpoint a pattern in your dealings with others when things get uncomfortable? Do you find that you feel the need to disappear when that happens? If so, think about why you might do this. Are you afraid of confrontation? Are you afraid that if you stay and argue you will lose the person? Are you afraid of saying the wrong thing? Are you afraid of being abandoned, so you "walk away" in a sense, first? These are things that your counselor might be able to help you sort out.

 

In terms of advice to Jenn...well...if you really want to work this out, and if you think it can work out, then you should give it a shot. But, you have to lay some ground rules/boundaries -- that if something like this happens again, you need to go home because you do not feel safe. What I said above applies to you, too. Agree that you will only have one or two drinks (maximum) each, or better yet, none at all, when you go out -- save the drinking for home. And, insist that your boyfriend NOT walk away from an argument, particularly if it means you guys getting separated while away from home.

 

The best piece of advice I can give: Always have some cash on you, even if it's just 5-10 pounds, in case you need to call a cab. Have it in a special place in your purse or wallet where you won't spend it on other stuff. Always have your cell phone charged up, and definitely always have an extra key on you. And, even if you don't want to carry a lot of stuff, a copy of your passport is a really good idea, with numbers of people to contact in case something happens (god forbid an accident or something) and you need to go to the hospital. Something that might be good to have too is a portable charger for your cell. I have one (it's about the size of a cigarrette lighter and takes an AA battery or two) and it plugs into my phone and gives it some charge when I am away from my home or car and need to use it.

 

To be honest, I would have a hard time with this situation. I don't know what I would do if this were me and I ended up in this situation. I would probably want to go home. Then again, I am a lot older, and my patience is much thinner. If a guy left me on a street in a city I didn't know, even once, I think I would have to tell him to take a hike. BUT...I am not saying you should. You know him better than we do, and you know yourself better than we do. You have to go with what you think is right for you.

 

I hope this turns out OK for both of you.

[JonasWaingaro]

jonas, your comments aren't helpful.

1st off I don't know where you got it into your head that I'm playing the 'I was drunk' excuse. I never said it was an excuse, you just assumed that.

 

Secondly, it is ILMBC's own decision that I need to do something fast to make the trust come back as it's a race against time. Her trust didn't take a one hit, it's being sapped. Even now, 3 days after the incident. She wanted this and I am not one to argue with that, she knows what she needs. Of course I'll improve long term as well.

 

As I said, just an opinion. But reread what you wrote. You are completely making 'I was drunk' as an excuse.

 

As for her wanting a grand gesture, that's fine. But pointless here. You need to really change something and not just a short term fix.

 

Trust is vital in a relationship. Without it, forget it, it's over.

 

I'm all for second chances. They are earned not given away. So earn it. Figure out why you do this and seek help or change it yourself.

 

I honestly think you guys need some short term distance to think about this. Some space. This can work out but it's not going to happen overnight - no way.

[D_Lish]

I think I would find it real hard to forgive someone, if that happened to me to be honest.

Gods sake, you could have been murdered, that is the frightening part.

[HeartGoesOn]

Jenn

 

You're not safe there, and I believe you know that. You can't "fix" him, he needs to do that on his own. I would head home, and if this relationship is meant to be, he'll do what it takes to make it happen.

 

Take care...

[renaissancewoman101]

I wouldn't completely give up on this yet.

 

You guys are telling her to give up and head home. If I remember correctly about some of her past threads, her life back at home wasn't really that great either. So, I don't think that's the best solution either.

 

There is a good relationship here, just a bit "broken". It seems BOTH parties are willing to work on it and rebuild it. It can be done. I do agree with the others, maybe drinking less when out and about is a good thing, so one can be the designated person to watch out for the other person.

 

My ex was a heavy drinker and would love to hang out at the bars. I didn't drink a lot (even though I tried), mainly because my tolerance level was so low and because I would get literally sick to my stomach with alcohol. I spent a lot of times watching out for him and his best friend (who was both a drunk AND somewhat of a pothead) and making sure they'd stay ok.

 

I hope you guys can work everything out and that you can stay out there. Besides these two incidences, you guys seem to be enjoying your relationship, and you guys seem to have a nice life in the UK.

[thetruth]

I hope you guys can work everything out and that you can stay out there. Besides these two incidences, you guys seem to be enjoying your relationship, and you guys seem to have a nice life in the UK.

 

exactly. i admit it is horrible, scary - terrifying ... but they seem to be made for each other to me , and ive only seen a few posts. i don't jump to conclusions - it's just obvious they both want to be together.

 

so to push her to leave because of something horrible he's done, when they are looking for answers on how to work it out - isn't really what they are looking for. the biggest point being THEY ARE BOTH looking to fix things. if she wanted to leave that would be the obvious decision - but she has already said she doesn't - and she seems to be mentally fit to me.

 

it's your opinion, and it's a valid one - but relationships have been through a lot more than that. they seem committed and only wanting to work things out. if only so many weren't so quick to leave and move on, we might actually build lasting meaningful relationships . granted, he will have to work much harder than her ... but that's only right.

[guitargirl1607308056]

I agree with you and Renny. Both Jenn and Will recognize that there is work to be done from both ends (mostly from Will, but it will take effort and sacrifice from both of them to salvage this) and the fact that they're both still in the frame of mine to make it work tells me that there's hope. Guys, take all of these opinions and mull them over, but in the end its your love and your future. Good luck.