is he taking me for granted???

[quirky]

Hopefully not, that's really good advice. I don't think Roxy is in the wrong either.

 

Roxy, as I said earlier I agree that taking a bit of distance will help you, very important not to lose yourself. Let us know if it worked right

[Kumatora]

but he HAS been home since Thursday and is leaving to go on a 10 day fishing trip this Thursday. If life was so awful at this point, I don't think he'd be going on this fishing trip. It's hurting my feelings knowing that he and I only have a limited time to see each other before he is gone yet again, and I don't feel like he even CARES to see me.

Ok... THIS part should of been mentioned. Many posters and I were under the impression that he was returning back to work after fire fighting for 3 weeks... not going on vacation. From my own experience, there was one case where my dad was given a week break and was called back to the site.

 

As for dealing with his son... it's understandable on both parts. You feel unappreciated and are picking up his major responsibilities and in the child's eyes, you're just a girl his dad is dating... not the mother. He does not understand what you are going through, so don't build any resentment or he will see it. Let him go be with his own family.

 

I never said you were in the wrong, but I was misguided by little information given at the beginning and suggested to not demand so much from him. I now agree with you about rethinking your relationship with him... you shouldn't have to pick up his personal responsibilities while being with him for only 8 months. THAT was being demanding on his part.

[DieTeufelKatze]

My brother has been a wildland firefighter for over 8 years, so I know how their schedules are... he and I share rent on a house. He's actually a Crew Boss now for a very well-known contract crew, so his responsibilites are even greater than just a crew member. If your BF isn't just home for a few days of R&R and going out on a fishing trip instead of planning a little more time with you, or at least expressing a little gratitude for what you did for him while he was away, yeah, that's suspect. I think you are being under-appreciated, and your gut instincts are telling you so.

 

My brother has been on some of the most intense wildfires in the Western U.S., plus cleanup on hurricanes Wilma and Katrina, and many other hurricanes and disaster relief. He's currently out on a fire right now. Yes, it is a very physically demanding job, but he is paid very well for it, not to mention they are provided catered food, showers, etc., at their main camps. I'm not belittling my brother's job at all, but it's not like he's in total hell the entire time he's out. My brother loves his job, actually, and while he lays low a day or two when he gets back, doing laundry, etc., he isn't so physically exhausted that he doesn't get out and do things while on R&R. I see no reason why your BF would act like it's a thorn in his side to come see you.

 

My overall impression though, Roxy, is that you are acting more committed to him than he is to you. It's wonderful that you took care of all those things for him while he was away, but if you don't feel that he is expressing any gratitude, I would definitely take a step back if I were you. You may want to bring it up in the future so you don't stew in resentment from now on, try to bring it up in a gentle, non-confrontational manner. Men don't often understand that a woman likes to feel appreciated for what she does and she'll often build resentment if she feels taken for granted. Sometimes guys need it spelled out for them if they just don't get it.

 

But yeah, you should try to balance the relationship in terms of the effort levels... if you feel that he wouldn't have done the same for you if you had been the one away for 3 weeks, don't volunteer to cater to him like that again. It's wonderful to do kind things for your partner if it is accepted with gratitude and the feeling that they would do the same for you if the situation were reversed. But if you get the sense that you're making a lot of effort to do kind things for them, and they are all blase in response instead of gracious, something is amiss. Having a tough, demanding job does not preclude having good manners and expressing gratitude when someone has gone out of their way to help you.

[Ms Darcy]

My overall impression though, Roxy, is that you are acting more committed to him than he is to you.

 

you should try to balance the relationship in terms of the effort levels... if you feel that he wouldn't have done the same for you if you had been the one away for 3 weeks, don't volunteer to cater to him like that again.

 

Roxy, these are two interesting points above. I agree that you seem more committed to him than in the reverse. But, of course, we can't really know that without more information.

 

In my experience, it's never really wise to cater to people. For some men, it's a bit much. For a lot of men, they would respect you more if you made yourself number one. It's nice to do little things for people; but when you do so much that you resent not getting anything back then it's time to slow down on the caretaking.

 

Lastly, I still think part of the issue is that he expresses himself differently than you express yourself. Just keep in mind that there might be ways that he shows some appreciation but that they are different from yours. For example, if my bf and I lived together and he went away for the weekend, I might do his laundry, clean the house, and cook for him. Conversely, if I went away for the weekend, my bf would probably feed my fish, fix my countertop, and put away dishes after he ate.

 

Now he may not be showing you ANY appreciation at all. If that is the case I would suggest taking a step back, doing a less for him, and requesting that he show some appreciation plain and simple. Please don't keep this bottled. That builds resentment.