pace of ace Posted October 16, 2009 Share Posted October 16, 2009 I'm sorry for your loss ycmanvs. Looks like you found a good man though. Good for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ycmanvs Posted October 16, 2009 Author Share Posted October 16, 2009 I'm sorry for your loss ycmanvs. Looks like you found a good man though. Good for you. Thank you. He is wonderful. Every day with him is amazing. I never knew that a relationship could be this good. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ycmanvs Posted October 19, 2009 Author Share Posted October 19, 2009 We went to NYC. He met my folks. Everyone loved him and he got along with all my friends as well. Things are still going very well. I hope this lasts for a long, long time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gee Posted October 19, 2009 Share Posted October 19, 2009 Hi ycmanvs, Do what makes you happy hun! Glad to hear things are working out between you and your new special guy. He sounds like a good man, and I hope he doesn't change. Yes, life is unpredictable and who knows what may happen today, tomorrow or months from now. Just appreciate and cherish what you have because it can be taken away from us in a flash. It was positive to have taken time for yourself before you started dating again (I recommend it). That's a huge PLUS! I've been single for 2yrs now since my last relationship. I tried dating several months after my break up and it was a big mistake. 2yrs later...I just went out on a date with a very nice woman. I tell you it was one of the best dates I've gone on! I'm not sure what's going to happen but I genuinely like her and want to get to know her better. For once I'd like to take things slow and let things happen naturally. If it works out great, if not then I know I am ready to continue on my journey and find someone special. I wish you and the new fella the best! =) gee Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gee Posted October 19, 2009 Share Posted October 19, 2009 She died. He is driving me to her funeral. I am glad he is in my life. P. S. I'm sorry for your loss! Hold on to the great memories you both shared for comfort! God Bless! gee Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ycmanvs Posted October 19, 2009 Author Share Posted October 19, 2009 Thank you. I am in Boston too btw. It is really hard to find good people here, even though there are a TON of singles. Everyone just wants to party and sleep around. Hope all is well with you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gee Posted October 19, 2009 Share Posted October 19, 2009 Thank you. I am in Boston too btw. It is really hard to find good people here, even though there are a TON of singles. Everyone just wants to party and sleep around. Hope all is well with you. Wow, I thought I was the only person who thought it was hard to find someone nice around Beantown. I agree..everyone just wants to party it up around here! I hope the woman I dated on Friday is one of those girls that are hard to find! I would be VERY lucky! gee Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted October 19, 2009 Share Posted October 19, 2009 Thank you. I am in Boston too btw. It is really hard to find good people here, even though there are a TON of singles. Everyone just wants to party and sleep around. Hope all is well with you. I ask this out of curiosity only. What to you is the difference between sleeping around and you and your bf sleeping with people other than each other? I'm glad your family liked him and that things are going well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ycmanvs Posted October 19, 2009 Author Share Posted October 19, 2009 I ask this out of curiosity only. What to you is the difference between sleeping around and you and your bf sleeping with people other than each other? I'm glad your family liked him and that things are going well. First of all my boyfriend and I have not slept with anyone else in a very long time, since before we met each other. Second of all, if and when it will happen, it will be something that we will do TOGETHER, at the same time...so we are still with each other, but there will also be other people there. We are committed to being together. I am talking about people in Boston who sleep around, all the time...with strangers. They go out...get drunk...pick someone up...and have sex...even though they have significant others. This is a college town with lots of young people who want to experiment, but who are not mature enough to know how. Since we are in our 40's and have been aroud the block, we know what we want and how to go about getting it. It just took us a very long time to finally find each other. If we had met 20 years ago....we would probably be married to each other, with kids...etc. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ycmanvs Posted October 19, 2009 Author Share Posted October 19, 2009 Wow, I thought I was the only person who thought it was hard to find someone nice around Beantown. I agree..everyone just wants to party it up around here! I hope the woman I dated on Friday is one of those girls that are hard to find! I would be VERY lucky! gee Yeah, most people think that if they lived here, they would be in a relationship. It is easy to "get laid" here but not to find a good guy/girl. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted October 19, 2009 Share Posted October 19, 2009 Thanks - I was just confused because you shared that he hooked up with another woman while he was away so I was not aware that you had a rule that the sex/fooling around with others would be in the presence of others - and I see that that is what makes it different to you than having sex with someone else with the other person not there. I also didn't know that when you have other people in bed with you they are people you know well - I thought that at those swinging parties or when meeting other swingers that they can be people you just met that night (that is how one of my friends described it). Thanks for the education and I am glad everything is going wel. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ycmanvs Posted October 19, 2009 Author Share Posted October 19, 2009 Thanks - I was just confused because you shared that he hooked up with another woman while he was away so I was not aware that you had a rule that the sex/fooling around with others would be in the presence of others - and I see that that is what makes it different to you than having sex with someone else with the other person not there. I also didn't know that when you have other people in bed with you they are people you know well - I thought that at those swinging parties or when meeting other swingers that they can be people you just met that night (that is how one of my friends described it). Thanks for the education and I am glad everything is going wel. He just kissed another woman. She is someone he has known for many years and I gave him permission to do it. It was nothing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted October 19, 2009 Share Posted October 19, 2009 Oh ok because what you posted was "He made out with someone last weekend and he sent me pictures. I had given him permission to do it, so he was not cheating. I felt a whole bunch of emotions and we talked about it. It actually brought us closer together, if that makes any sense. " (If you had posted that he had just kissed someone and it was nothing I wouldn't have remembered it - that is why it stuck out in my mind). I am not here to argue - just not used to someone who has sex with other people while in a relationship seeing a distinction between that and someone who has sex with other people while in a relationship because in one case the person is there and in the other case the person is not. Thanks for sharing what you see as the distinction - it's interesting to see others' perspectives and great that there are people who are comfortable with your type of arrangement which avoids a lot of drama and broken hearts (that is, if someone who believes in commitment and monogamy gets attached to someone who doesn't - I am sure that would be upsetting - I know it would be for me!). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ycmanvs Posted October 19, 2009 Author Share Posted October 19, 2009 To me, physical intimacy is not as important as emotional intimacy....so it does not bother me if my guy touches someone else. If he lied to me about it, that would really hurt because it would mean that he is not sharing certain parts of who he is with me. It is hard to explain. I do not want him sleeping around, but I am not going to make him do anything that he does not want to do. I am not going to force anyone to be monogamous. If he chooses to be, it will be because he wants it, not because I made him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted October 19, 2009 Share Posted October 19, 2009 To me, physical intimacy is not as important as emotional intimacy....so it does not bother me if my guy touches someone else. If he lied to me about it, that would really hurt because it would mean that he is not sharing certain parts of who he is with me. It is hard to explain. I do not want him sleeping around, but I am not going to make him do anything that he does not want to do. I am not going to force anyone to be monogamous. If he chooses to be, it will be because he wants it, not because I made him. I would never force anyone to be monogamous either, I just wouldn't be involved with the person unless he wanted to be monogamous and valued monogamy and that type of commitment. That is not to say that you should want that, but as you know, most people want that (which also doesn't make it right, it just "is"). To me emotional intimacy is also more important than physical intimacy, it's just that I could never be emotionally intimate with someone who wanted to make love to another person (and acted on it) other than me while we were in a relationship because to me when you love someone physical and emotional intimacy are inextricably intertwined so what he would be doing with someone else couldn't be dismissed as "just physical". Again, that is just me, please don't read into it any judgment of your choice, approach or point of view. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ycmanvs Posted October 19, 2009 Author Share Posted October 19, 2009 I would never force anyone to be monogamous either, I just wouldn't be involved with the person unless he wanted to be monogamous and valued monogamy and that type of commitment. That is not to say that you should want that, but as you know, most people want that (which also doesn't make it right, it just "is"). To me emotional intimacy is also more important than physical intimacy, it's just that I could never be emotionally intimate with someone who wanted to make love to another person (and acted on it) other than me while we were in a relationship because to me when you love someone physical and emotional intimacy are inextricably intertwined so what he would be doing with someone else couldn't be dismissed as "just physical". Again, that is just me, please don't read into it any judgment of your choice, approach or point of view. See, that is where we do not agree. I do not think "that most people are monogamous", especially most men. Every person I know is not naturally monogamous. We all have animal instincts, so monogamy is not something that comes naturally. I think women want monogamy, but I do not know too many men that want it. I could be wrong and I would love to hear from the guys out there... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted October 19, 2009 Share Posted October 19, 2009 See, that is where we do not agree. I do not think "that most people are monogamous", especially most men. Every person I know is not naturally monogamous. We all have animal instincts, so monogamy is not something that comes naturally. I think women want monogamy, but I do not know too many men that want it. I could be wrong and I would love to hear from the guys out there... I never said we were monogamous based on instint - but most people desire, and choose to be, in a monagmous relationship (I will limit that to the western world in case it is true in other countries that it is more typical to have multiple spouses). Just because something might not come naturally (not sure you are right, but assume you are) doesn't mean you can't choose it and desire it as a goal - and act on that desire and goal. It doesn't come naturally to me to forego chocolate cake for breakfast at times but since my desire to be fit and healthy, and to feel good is more important than giving into the temptation, I act against the impulse to eat the cake for breakfast. There are many animal instincts we choose not to act on. Similarly, if I ever were to be tempted to have sex outside of my relationship (hypothetically!) I would choose to be faithful to my husband. My husband would make the same choice. My husband wholeheartedly wanted monogamy and so did my serious boyfriends/fiancees, as well as many men I dated. If a man tried to tell me that monogamy wasn't natural for him and therefore he wanted permission to have sex outside of the relationship I'd naturally show him the door. But obviously he can find a woman who is not troubled by her boyfriend having sex with other women, and in fact might be very turned on by it and happy to oblige so that she can have sex with other men. Ends up working out well for all of us! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ycmanvs Posted October 20, 2009 Author Share Posted October 20, 2009 I really would like to hear a man's point of view on this topic. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 I really would like to hear a man's point of view on this topic. Is the topic whether monogamy is instinctive or whether men choose monogamy with a woman they love/cae about whether or not it is instinctive to want/desire monogamy? To me those are two very different questions. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gsxr104 Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 Congrats ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ycmanvs Posted October 20, 2009 Author Share Posted October 20, 2009 Is the topic whether monogamy is instinctive or whether men choose monogamy with a woman they love/cae about whether or not it is instinctive to want/desire monogamy? To me those are two very different questions. I would like to know how many men would choose monogamy if they did not have to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 I would like to know how many men would choose monogamy if they did not have to. By 'have to" do you include where a man would prefer to have other partners but chooses to be monogamous because his SO prefers a monogamous lifestyle and he wants to make her happy - or is that being "forced" in your opinion? (to me it would not be because we make all sorts of sacrifices/compromises for people we love but maybe to you it is). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ycmanvs Posted October 20, 2009 Author Share Posted October 20, 2009 By 'have to" do you include where a man would prefer to have other partners but chooses to be monogamous because his SO prefers a monogamous lifestyle and he wants to make her happy - or is that being "forced" in your opinion? (to me it would not be because we make all sorts of sacrifices/compromises for people we love but maybe to you it is). Yes, if he is doing it because someone asked him, even if he loves that someone...it is not his first choice. Anyway, I need to start a new thread where men will answer honestly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 Yes, if he is doing it because someone asked him, even if he loves that someone...it is not his first choice. Anyway, I need to start a new thread where men will answer honestly. I look forward to your new thread. I find your statement jaw dropping though - when I do something for someone I love, it becomes my first choice. Period. What a sad commentary on relationships. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ycmanvs Posted October 23, 2009 Author Share Posted October 23, 2009 I just thought of something. The reason I am so happy with this relationship is...that for the first time in my life, I do not feel insecure about the relationship. This is the first time I am dating someone who is not still in love with his ex. I have no idea what I was thinking all those years of dating people who were on the rebound. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.