Help not physically attracted to wife anymore

[diabolik]

HUmm. Did you get a chance to sit down and politely explain to her how when you two began dating you guys looked a certain way and blah blah blah love love love but you're not as sexually attracted to the change in the body type and you wanted to see whether there's something you two can do together to conquer it. You can put some stuff in about heart disease, earlier death, children on their own blah blah stuff in there too. But specifically that you don't feel as sexually attracted to her and want to try a gym routine couple times a week together.....etcetc......or you guys can join a class so the physical activity doesn't seem so hard....

Follow this advice and say goodbye to sex.

[ayekasong]

I hate to say this, but I don't think there is anything YOU can do to motivate her. In fact, the more you push about it, the more she will resist. As someone who has struggled with weight for my whole life, I can tell you that every time a family member commented on my weight, I got depressed and ate too much.

 

She really has to make the choice for herself.

 

However, I do think that you should tell her in a kind way that you are worried about her health - maybe say something along the lines of how you don't expect her to go back to her 16 year old self, but you do want to live with her for a very long time. Her weight is going to shorten her life, and I don't know how you can lovingly convey that, but I know you need to try and put it in kind terms. If you are negative or accusatory about it, she might get upset (and for many of us who are overweight, being upset = eating more).

 

Does she regularly see her doctor? If she doesn't, encourage her to go. The doctor will do plenty of pushing and health preaching.

 

Do you have any control over the groceries? Try and bring some of those 100 calorie snacks or Weight Watchers snacks into the house. There are also a lot of yummy sugar-free snacks out there. I have found these products to be helpful, because they help me satisfy my cravings without adding too many more calories into my diet.

 

I know that I personally HATE working out, but there are many activities that could be considered exercise that I do. Does she like swimming or dancing? Walking? Maybe offer to go for a walk?

 

I know that whatever you do, you will need to do it gently and without pushing too hard. Struggling with weight is not fun. I wish you the best.

[Hopefully Not]

Diabolik wrote "Follow this advice and say goodbye to sex".

 

Why would he want any, other than with some other woman?

 

 

 

 

 

 

That was an excellent post. Fantastically politically incorrect and totally true. Bravo !!!

 

I think it's unconscionable to set this example for the kids. I'd be long gone.

 

Best of luck to you.

[diabolik]

That was an excellent post. Fantastically politically incorrect and totally true. Bravo !!!

 

I think it's unconscionable to set this example for the kids. I'd be long gone.

If you've read WhatThe's threads, you'd realize that leaving isn't always so easy.

[Hopefully Not]

If you've read WhatThe's threads, you'd realize that leaving isn't always so easy.

 

Fair point. Much easier said than done. I just get riled up when only one side holds up their end of the bargain.

 

Still, a great job of telling it like it is on his part.

[loulee]

I have a male friend who is 40 he married a wonderful girl who at the time of their marriage was a size 14 just a tad heavy..within no time her weight blossomed to a staggering size 26.. he was the most supportive husband. he realised very quickly that her weight gain was a psychological problem form her childhood. She used food to comfort herself and would literally panic if the takeaway was closed and would insist sometimes that they drive miles away for another fix of food or she would become quite hysterical, crying etc... he supported her therapy and went with her initially... but like many people who have a deep withheld disturbance from their youth she would stop going to therapy the minute HER WEIGHT was brought up. he also found that in the end he could not perform sexually as the desire was simply not there, he loved her to pieces and also bought healthy foods he is vegetarian anyway and did everything in HIS power to help her. For a little while she appeared to be getting a bit better. Until he then found out while he was working evenings she was gambling. he could not believe it!!!. She had replaced her food addiction with another obsession.. gambling. She hid this from him. She figured if she sat at poker machines and spent money she would not eat...this is a girl that never drank alcohol or even liked the nightlife in any way. In the end she put them in debt...He finally had exhausted his avenues to help her. he said the hardest thing was to tell her following a failed intimate moment after she asked him That he did not desire her sexually because of her extreme obesity.. They have since split...she is still large and her weight continues to go up and down. They have remained very good friends but ultimately her weight created so much distance between them..she avoided going out. she didnt want to participate in any outside activities. This was hard for him as he is very sporty and loves to surf snowboard etc. It was a very hard decision for him to leave but he knew in his heart that their future together would not be long and happy...exhaust your avenues with your wife but always remember that ultimately she needs to do the hard work here..you are her support person..and good luck with it...

[DaBladeRoden]

Anyone have any success stories?

[Maya_A]

Very much agree with the above. And yes, she needs to help keep the marriage together (& herself alive) as well with regards to her weight.

 

Another thing to consider aside from looks/attraction is lifestyle. Someone that obese will be limited in activities they can do and just daily energy and endurance. Quality of life with a partner comes into play here as well.

[NowandZen]

Part of me was just gonna leave this alone. A lot of what I would have to say has been said already. I think some of it is hard to hear. But I see some VERY important things that, while they have been touched upon, didn't quite come together, to wit:

 

1) You are not a bad person to feel the way you feel. To deny your feelings is folly. Embrace them, then perhaps you can move past them. Or not. Either way it doesn't make you evil

 

2) An old saying: There is no amount of pain you can suffer that will make someone else feel better. That is to say, you can't WILL your wife to either a healthier lifestyle or a better looking physical body. Sustained change comes about only when a person does it for THEMSELVES

 

3) #1 only applies if you are HONEST, and by honest I mean completely, devastatingly, no holds barred honest. You had some expectations in a marriage, and they did not include a morbidly obese wife. You must be honest with her to be honorable. I know this will not be a pleasant conversation, but much easier, in the long run, than divorce or another 20 years of fighting.

 

4) I mentioned expectations earlier, and I believe expectations are the root of suffering, but put that aside. When dealing with expectations, there are really only three possible scenarios: a) others adjust their behavior to meet your expectations (rare) b) you move away from the relationship (common) or c) you adjust your expectations (also rare, but the only think over which you have complete control) I am not advising you which to choose, but letting you know what your options are.

 

5) A relationship will survive only if BOTH want it to. It is a separate entity. Sometimes you are mad at your SO, and you don't want to do anything for HER, but you will do something for your marriage.

 

6) A good place to start in repairing your marriage is link removed two books by the author Love Busters and His Needs, Her Needs are good resources if both are on board.

 

7) Ultimately, your happiness, or a better word, peace, is up to you.

 

I hope you find your peace.

[cat_lady]

I want to offer some input b/c I helped my best friend lose over 150 lbs. Its slighly different from the OP's case b/c she was in her early - mid 20's, not 30s and a mom.

 

She had been obese all of her life and she went down from a size 28 to a 10/12 over a period of 3-4 years. I saw that she was unhappy and decided to take it on myself with another friend to make her lose weight.

 

Its not that she didn't want to do it, its that she was so addicted to food and had such issues with self discipline that at times we had to force her to stick to her diet - by doing things like taking out that bad of chips or brownie out of her hand and throwing it away. Most people thought that we were unnecessarily mean but they did not understand - this is a person who had never practiced any kind of discpline ever and in her 20's, she was trying to lose weight and practice self discipline and control for the first time in her life. Now she is fine, lives by herself, goes to the gym by herself and sticks to an impeccable diet. But in the earlier years, if we weren't so stricted, I don't think she would have ever lost that weight.

 

That being said, there was a lot of fighting and hurt feelings and a real chance that our friendship would not survive the process. You can't be strict with someone and at the same time have a loving and intimate relationship. At the same time, for some people, if they don't get that discipline and rigid environment, they won't change. So its a real risk that you take.

[mariegonzalez]

Look, I love that all these people are being really supportive. But the fact is that you have been more than accommodating and your wife is sending you a message that she does not care. Actions speak louder than words.

 

I know it hurts you, but you were rejected many years ago when she first put on the weight. You simply ignored that rejection because you wanted to keep being married and you love your wife. It's completely understandable.

 

But now you are 33 and you, like most men your age, want to have sex with someone you're attracted to. Most women refuse to accept this reality. Most men like to pretend it's not true so they can avoid upsetting women. But we all know that it IS true. You want to have sex with someone you find attractive. You don't find your wife attractive. You have made this clear to her (she knows, I am sure). She has not changed. Therefore, if you don't want to live the rest of your life as a sexually frustrated nutcase, you have to end the marriage.

 

It is clear to me that you have a good heart from your posts here. Don't waste it on a relationship that will never satisfy you. I assure you, there are over 3 billion women on this planet. That is an incomprehensibly large number. And many of them will be as loving as your wife, and sexually attractive to boot.

 

You know this is true in your heart, and what you came here for is some kind of external permission, so you don't feel guilty about dumping your poor fat sad wife. Well I am giving it to you now. You are a decent man. She will be fine, or she won't be fine. It's not your concern. You tried your best. Now get on with your life.

 

Best of luck to you,

 

Marie

[FarthestEdge]

.My wife and I have been together for 18 years..... She gained a little weight after the boys and I understood that I dont ask for perfection and I am not perfect myself. I left for the marine corps when I was 18 and when I came back I literally walked right past her,I didnt know who she was.shes 5'2 and 265 lbs.now. I love her as a person, shes funny and fun and i love her dearly, I can't really imagine life without her.I...What can I do to prevent a divorce I don't want?

 

I know it hurts you, but you were rejected many years ago when she first put on the weight. You simply ignored that rejection because you wanted to keep being married and you love your wife. It's completely understandable.

 

But now you are 33 and you, like most men your age, want to have sex with someone you're attracted to. Most women refuse to accept this reality. Most men like to pretend it's not true so they can avoid upsetting women. But we all know that it IS true. You want to have sex with someone you find attractive. You don't find your wife attractive. You have made this clear to her (she knows, I am sure). She has not changed. Therefore, if you don't want to live the rest of your life as a sexually frustrated nutcase, you have to end the marriage.

 

It is clear to me that you have a good heart from your posts here. Don't waste it on a relationship that will never satisfy you. I assure you, there are over 3 billion women on this planet. That is an incomprehensibly large number. And many of them will be as loving as your wife, and sexually attractive to boot.

 

You know this is true in your heart, and what you came here for is some kind of external permission, so you don't feel guilty about dumping your poor fat sad wife. Well I am giving it to you now. You are a decent man. She will be fine, or she won't be fine. It's not your concern. You tried your best. Now get on with your life.

 

Best of luck to you,

 

Marie

 

Holy crap.

 

Who are you to tell the OP he MUST divorce his wife because she's fat?

From a few posts, you have determined that's she's a horrible person who got & remains fat to HURT him, and he's a decent bloke who deserves a hot piece of a$$!?!?!

 

The OP has said he loves his wife, can't imagine life without her and doesn't want a divorce. By all accounts this is the only real (albeit admittedly large-no pun intended) problem in his marriage..

 

What is wrong with people? When did we all become so disposable? Oh she's fat?- dump her, move on...Oh, he lost his job? Better find a guy with better prospects. Oh, she's getting old? time for wife 2.0.

 

I've got news for you. Yeah, there are hot 33 year old chicks out their who might bang the OP & give him the sexual thrill he's been missing of late. What they WON'T do is love & raise the children he's had with his wife, they won't understand who he is TODAY, is because of what he's experienced in the last 18 years...And, if their attitude is anything like yours, they'll be gone as soon as his hair starts to fall out, his pecks start to soften, his wallet starts to empty...Long before he's a withered old man, with his testes around his knees..

 

Yep, that's right, men can lose their sex appeal too. If we followed your approach to life, there'd be nothing but bitter, lonely old people -because in the end, we ALL lose our looks to time.

 

I'm not saying he should accept his wife's obesity and not try to make changes. And yes, ultimately, it is up to her. But it sounds to me like this is the only major issue in the relationship. One he is willing to do anything to help resolve before leaving. He asked for advice on what he CAN do OTHER than leave. In any event we do not have enough information about their marriage to tell him he NEEDS to leave her.

 

Furthermore, there are innocent children that they brought into the world TOGETHER. They owe those kids EVERY effort to maintain a happy harmonious home.

 

But I guess the children are as disposable as the wife is to you. I guess you think it's ok to have their family ripped apart so he can chase after some hot tail....Collateral damage to you, I suppose.

 

What goes around, comes around. Treat people like disposable trash, and they will learn that it's all you expect from them as well.

 

Some people are going to be VERY lonely one day....

[spr_mom]

I understand how you could feel guilty, but what you're going through is completely understandable. I think you should just sit her down (with no interuptions) and make it clear to her that this is a serious conversation. Let her now that you love her and thats why you want to be emotionaly and physically close to her. start by asking her if there is anything you can do to make your relationship better. Then let her know what she can do for you. The two of you compromising and working together for the good of your relationship will give you both a new sense of unity. Make sure that she knows that her weight does not affect your love for her. You just want to make your marriage better for the both of you.

 

p.s: women tend to care more about their appearance and making their man happy if they feel loved and wanted by him. so try to show her everyday that you love your life with her and that your relationship is important.

[hexaemeron]

FE, I have to say, while I 99% of the time find you to be a fount of wisdom and remarkable perspective, I do not agree with you here. The OP supported his wife out of love and watched her eat herself from healthy to chubby to fat to morbidly obese. This is not an issue so much of aesthetics, but a question of giving up. His wife got married, and gave up. Right or wrong, she decided that marriage was carte blanche to eat her pain away, or to just no longer give a * * * * about her husband, her children (and most alarmingly, herself) because she had found her husband, and had her children. What's more to do, right?

 

If this were an issue of a relatively small amount of weight, we wouldn't be here praising the OP for his obviously love and devotion to his wife. But the truth is, she knows he's unhappy. She knows she's unhappy. But she's either unwilling or unable (unwilling, imo, because she can still move, for now) to make the positive changes in her life for herself, her husband and her children because that would actually require effort. It's easier to come home after a long day at work and dive into a bag of chips and watch TV or sit on the computer, rather than making conscious decisions to eat healthy and be active. She's threatening her life and her family's well-being by inaction and outright layabout laziness. She could very well die tomorrow at her weight. I'm sure the OP doesn't want to be a single parent, but it sounds like he's done everything he can for her. If she really hates life so much, that she'd rather eat herself to death and not see her children grow up, enjoy grandchildren, then I absolutely have (and will again) tell the OP to get the hell out of Dodge and take his children with him. They don't need to wake up one morning to find Mommy dead on the toilet with a few bags of Chips Ahoy at her feet.

[FarthestEdge]

I generally believe in giving people the advice they asked for. The OP did not ask if he should give up. He was quite clear that what he wants is to find a way through this.

 

Yes, it sounds like she's not doing what needs to be done. Why? None of us (including the OP), know. Motivation is a funny thing. It might take one simple thing (perhaps the realization that she's at RISK of losing her marriage) or a big decision (gastric bypass or stomach banding) to get her on the road to recovery. But just because he has been unable to motivate her to this point, does not mean we can draw the conclusion that she is choosing to be lazy, selfish and inconsiderate of the needs of her family. She may herself right now believe that it's a lost cause and given up on herself..And he may be able to turn it around.

 

Hex, I like your POV most of the time too. But I can tell you that unless/until you are a parent, you cannot possibly comprehend how the desire to keep your childrens lives happy and carefree overrides everything else. I would deny myself a LOT to keep their family intact, and when a situation became intolerable or dangerous, I would do what I can to protect them from clear & present danger and do EVERYTHING I could to solve the problem in my marriage before tossing it away.

 

It aggravates me to no end the way people on this site often give advice that amounts to "You're not getting what you want? then leave" Then you go to the breakup forums and see all the pain caused to others by people who tossed aside a 10-15-20 year relationship because someone younger/hotter came along...

 

When someone gets married "for better or worse" they make a promise to their partners to see them through their darkest days. She's in the pitch black right now, and he is being told to take the first emergency exit.

 

Someday, he may face something awful. If he sees this through with her, she will no doubt be there for him. There are rewards to these things. DH and I have both seen each other through some dark times and immense challenges. And I can tell you that it's such an amazing thing to have someone whose travelled those roads with you at your side.

 

But when people give up when faced with what seems an insurmountable challenge, they miss the opportunity to build that together.

 

IMO just because what he's done so far hasn't worked, doesn't mean that he's done everything he CAN. He's done everything he can THINK of- he's here looking for more ideas.

 

And people are telling him to bail on his family, on a woman who otherwise appears to meet all his other needs.

 

I just think it's sad.

 

Edit to add: We can't assume she let herself go because she got her ring & kids. Remember that he was away the whole time she gained her weight...Um lonliness & depression perhaps? The pressure of caring for small kids on her own? It's easy to say she "deserves" to be tossed aside when you presume selfish motives as fact. But the truth is, we don't know her story.

[hexaemeron]

Responded point by point in quote.

[WhatThe]

FarthestEdge, I'd like to know if your advice to stay in a marriage at ALL costs really extends to ALL costs.

 

If the OP's spouse became an alcoholic, or a drug abuser, or a sex addict, or a two-pack a day smoker, and that behavior was affecting the family and threatening to end the spouse's life much earlier than normal, you still advocate staying forever, even when it is virtually certain that they will eventually become a burden on the family due to their self-inflicted health issues?

 

You are another in the long line of people who respond thinking you know the score, but OBVIOUSLY have never faced the reality of this issue. This is NOT about wanting a "hot chick" as you alluded to. This is is about virtually every aspect of the OP's life being negatively affected. As I pointed out in a previous post, when someone goes from normal to obese, dozens of changes happen, none of which are good. You are now literally living with a completely different person from the one you married. Not just physically, but emotionally, in the way they move, talk, breathe and even think. They are obsessed with their food issue. This is a dangerous addiction, just as dangerous as alcohol, drugs, or smoking heavily.

 

Please answer honestly. I don't think you accept the reality of how serious it is when someone is morbidly obese. It is OK to feel 'sorry' for them, in the same way it is OK to fell 'sorry' for someone who is an alcoholic. At some point, it is up to THEM to take responsibility for themselves.

[FarthestEdge]

Hex:

 

"This has been a problem for years and years. OP has said he has tried to make healthy lunches for her, which she refuses and gourds herself on awful food at work. She is making choices to not only do the wrong thing, but do the wrong thing when she KNOWS it's wrong."

 

Agreed. But the question is WHY? If he can help her find the answer to that, he can help her to unlock her motivation.

 

"But FE, *HE* is not the problem! She is."

 

Agreed. But he wants to do what he can to help her solve her problem. Why is that so bad?

 

"And no matter how much he has tried, she doesn't get it. She doesn't CARE. "

 

Just because she hasn't suceeded, doesn't mean she doesn't care. There's an internal dialogue that goes like this "I know I shouldn't have this. Fresh start. tomorrow." That NO ONE sees. And the really frustrating part? There's only one word, one SINGLE word, that needs to change. "Tomorrow" needs to become "today". This is the hardest part of any dependancy, IMO. I can tell you from personal experience that one can run in circles like this for years.

 

"Those kids are going to see mom and dad having a miserable marriage and seeing mom forsake everything for.... bad food? This is not healthy and advocating that sort of mindset by saying "No matter how fat or uncaring you get, no matter how much you want to eat yourself to death, I'll be here for you." That is not what a marriage is supposed to be. "

 

1 ) Other than this issue, it sounds to me like he loves her. I see no other signs of a miserable marriage. This is a bit part of the issue to me. Everyone assumes that because she's obese and he's lost his sexual attraction to her that their home is hostile, bitter and devoid of love. I fully agree that their marriage and thus home, would be infinitely happier if she were a weight that allowed for a healthy and mutually satisfying sex life. But it doesn't mean that the kids are in a toxic ennvironment now.

 

2)Yes, I further agree that mom is giving her kids a tragically horrible example in respecting her body, herself. But this, in and of itself, is not a reason to take them away from her and deny them her love. Yes, she could die tomorrow- from a heart attack or a car accident. Parents smoke, drink too much, drive too fast, have unhealthy relationships with their families...we all have vices and issues of varying degrees that the children could do without witnessing. It doesn't neecessarily follow that everything else we have to offer as parents isn't valuable enough to make that a regrettable, but tolerable issue.

 

"He doesn't have to stand around waiting for her to kill herself just because he vowed "for better or worse" -- "As long as it's a good idea" might be a 100% better marriage vow."

 

I must vehemently disagree with this. NO marriage would survive if everyone bailed at the first hint of not being a 'good idea'

 

"But this isn't really about younger and hotter. This is about not wanting to stand idly by and watch your beloved slowly killing themselves and being completely incapable of stopping it."

 

I agree, it's not for the OP. And he does not want to be standing idly by- he wants to help her. But the respondent who pointed out the 33 billion other women who are "hot-n-ready" thinks it IS about meeting his physical wants. It ignores the value of everything else this woman has to offer her husband, her family.

 

"Thirteen years is hardly the first emergency exit. He has every legitimate right to say "You're not living up to your side of your vows" because she isn't! Love does not mean blindly accepting everything because of a promise."

 

He's just reached the point where the situation is becoming critical to him. If he has NOT let her know up to now (for fear of hurting her feelings) that this is an issue to him, than he has, at the very least, implied an overall acceptance of the situation. If he wants to salvage his marriage (and I believe he does) then he needs to be honest with her, let her know that this issue is well on the road to becoming a dealbreaker, and give her a chance to get serious about making some changes- and actively work with her to develop a plan to make it work. Yep, it'll be a difficult, painful conversation, but a lot less difficult than telling her he wants a divorce. Especially since he likely WON'T get the kids.

 

"He faces something awful every day. Dealing with her. Wondering if today could be the last day her overworked heart will last. Whether he'll be a single parent tomorrow. And, this whole time, he's had to walk it alone. You don't just forgive or forget that."

 

I'm talking about his own battle- cancer, unemplyment, addiction, death of his parents, or God forbid, one of his children.

 

Besides, if he leaves her, none of that will change. He will still have to worry about being a single parent tomorrow...There are millions of obese people on this planet- You're saying they all deserve to be alone because they MIGHT have a heart attack? Let's just round'em up & put them on an island, shall we? Then we'll get all the alcholics and put them on another. The sex addicts on another. The depressed on another...Sooner or later, someone's coming for you....

 

"You are absolving her of any responsibility. If she has a husband and children, she cannot allow herself to self destruct. She has to make the choice to want to live, and live well. And right now, and how it's obviously been, she's basically saying that her overeating is the most important thing to her. Help is one thing, but I won't let her or anyone off the hook just because life gets hard. Boo effin hoo. If you have children and a husband, you don't do yourself in because you're unhappy with the hand life dealt you. You suck it up and you do the right thing."

 

I am NOT absoving her of responsibility. SHE has to do this, there's no question. He asked for suggestions as to what he can do to get through to her to help her find the will to do it. She isn't here asking for advice, and he isn't here looking to place blame. He is asking what HE can to do to help her, and people are just telling him to leave her, she deserves to be punished. I am trying to give him constructive advice so he can help her AND keep his marriage, which is what HE wants. Since HE wants to keep his marriage, who are any of us to tell him differently?

 

"I think it's sad that you're telling him to stay with that beast out of respect for a bond she shows no respect of herself. Quid pro quo."

 

 

Hex, the OP called her caring, funny & fun. The love of his life. But you refer to her as 'that beast'. Do you honestly think that's the help the OP is looking for?

 

I'm not telling him to stay. I'm resonding to what he asked about, and I'm expressing my disappointment at others who are telling him to do something he doesn't want to do- Give up. I'm telling him if he wants to stay, there are still things he can try that he hasn't so far, to help snap her out of the fog she is in. I believe in leaving no stone unturned in an effort to rebuild happiness in a marriage, not just kicking a few rocks...

 

With respect...FE

[hexaemeron]

FE, I get where you're coming from. I think my own experience with both of my most recent LTR partners not working, gaining a metric of weight and then blaming me for it while I kicked my ass to support us leaves me a bit sore on this subject.

[FarthestEdge]

I never said at all costs. I said, leave no stone unturned.

Unlike you, the OP still loves his wife, and wants to want his wife. He is sad for her, and worries for her. He has not gotten to the point where he looks at her and seethes with bitterness and disgust. He asked for help to SAVE his marriage, and you are assuming that his wife is just like your wife and all your judgements of your wife fall on her. It is not for you or I to decide if it is worth the effort for the OP to try to save his marriage. It is HIS choice. For now, he is choosing to keep trying. So I give him advice that's suited to his personal situation and choices. You are ignoring what he has stated numerous times that he wants, and telling him to give up on the fat cow and leave, which I find ironic, since you won't do the same yourself.

 

To answer your question. I would leave no stone unturned. IF DH became an alcoholic and it was affecting our lives, I would ask, beg, plead for him to get professional help. I would ask him what I need to do to help. If ignored, I would toss every bottle of alcohol in the house. I would have an ignition interrupter with breathalayzer installed in both cars to prevent him from driving drunk. I would stange interventions with his friends and family- weekly if I needed to. I would do whatever it took. I would not stop until he got help or left. If he leaves, he chooses alcohol over me and our family. But I will know I did everything I could.

 

Drug addict? See above, with the added posibility of turning him in myself.

 

I know many people who chain smoke much to their partners dismay and grave concern. If I have an otherwise happy marriage and partnership, then his choice to slowly kill himself is one I have to respect. I can insist on no smoking in the house or cars for the kids sake, and I can refuse to pick them up for him at the store (but I wouldn't because I respect his right as an adult to make his own choices).

 

Sex Addict? No computers, dvd players or adult stations on the tv. Mandatory counselling, individually and joint.

 

I think you see my point. I would do for my partner everything I would do for my child with the same addiction. Because if there really is an addiction at play, then they need someone to try to temporarily help them control what they currently cannot control themselves.

 

The thing is that from what the OP says, she's a great person who HE LOVES- this ONE ISSUE is a big problem, but he doesn't want to throw away all the other good qualities she has. He would rather SOLVE the issue. You don't know what he's tried, you don't know where her head is at, you know YOUR situation and apply it to all men married to obese women.

 

I've heard no mention of appetite suppressants, medical intervention (a possibility for the morbidly obese), sending her to a health retreat (fat camp), or even him actually saying "I Love you, and I really don't want to hurt you, but this is becoming a serious issue to our marriage. WE need to find a way through this. What do you need from me?"

 

Yes, sometimes you can beg, plead etc and nothing will work. I agree with you at least that there does come a point where you have to accept that they are determined not to change and you have to decide whether you stay and accept or leave. But can you really decide that when you KNOW you haven't tried everything? Or is it just that you don't want to bother to try because it's easier to leave?

 

Your line in the sand is simply much, much earlier than mine. And you're trying to tell the OP where his should be.

[JusticeLaw9]

Lets just all leave and divorce our partners and because they will get older and become less attractive then, shall we?

 

Why get married? People change and don't stay the way we were when younger.

 

You married for better, for worse......and not until your partner gets fat.

 

I think it's a ripoff; people who get married and stop doing the things they used to do before they got married. Before we got married, you didn't smoke, you didn't drink, we had plenty of sex and you were mentally/physically stable and healthy. Throw a shiny gold ring into the mix and it changes everything. You stopped working out, you eat crap food, you used to cook such beautiful meals, we don't have sex anymore and your 200lbs heavier than we first met. That sounds like a ripoff to me.

 

I understand the concept that nothing stays the same, but my goodness, that doesn't give us the right to just let ourselves go.