Help not physically attracted to wife anymore

[FarthestEdge]

Of course it's theoretically possible. I've never heard of a situation where a married women became obese to the point where her husband lost interest in sex with her, and then got into the kind of shape that re-sparked his interest in sex, all while staying married. Never read about a situation like that on ENA either. So I was asking if others knew of such situations because maybe the OP can learn what worked to turn things around.

 

Well, I can't say I fit in that category, because when I got obese, DH maintained his interest in me sexually, when I lost 50 lbs, he maintained interest in me sexually, and when I gained most of it back after 5 years of pregnancies, miscarriages and breastfeeding.. wait for it... he maintained his interest in me sexually.

 

You and I have crossed swords on this topic before Diabolik. You seem a bit jaded for some reason and seem fully intent on convincing yourself that once a woman 'lets herself go' in her marriage, there is no turning back. The OP wants to help his wife and you're talking like we're hunting for sasquatsch...

 

We don't know her or him. OF COURSE it's possible. She just has to find the key to unlock her motivation. She may even have a medical condition (OP- suggest she have her Thyroid checked) that is sabotaging her as well. Don't discourage a man who is trying to preserve his marriage by finding a way to help his wife become attractive to him again.....

[ResonanceTheory]

You have to realize the fact that you have abided her being this heavy for FIFTEEN years. It is a little hard for you to turn around now,after 15 years and go "you can't be overweight anymore". You should've taken action 15 years ago, when you came back home and found her 265 lbs.

 

If you're a certain size for a long time, it becomes ingrained in your mind and you start to think of it as normal. It's going to be a lot harder for her to lose the weight after all this time.

 

I don't think you're selfish, but I think you made a big mistake by just waiting around and not taking action earlier on in your relationship.

[unabashed]

One very real possibility is that your wife is depressed. Depression would make it hard for her to relate to your concerns and it would also make it less compelling for her to lose weight for "herself," despite the advantages to health or self-esteem. You seem to be more of a person of action and logic. She is apparently internalizing something--we don't know her as well as you do. If I were you, I'd focus on talking to her about what's going on. How she feels, what she needs, rather than talking directly about weight. You've done this before and it hasn't helped. Why not listen to her and what she needs? Her best chance of losing weight and feeling good about herself does not necessarily lie with a diet and exercise plan. She may need to work on handling her depression, and getting to the cause of that. Of course, many men and women have lost weight after gaining it in the course of their marriages. With a loving husband like you, there's lots of hope that you both can be happy.

[diabolik]

You and I have crossed swords on this topic before Diabolik. You seem a bit jaded for some reason and seem fully intent on convincing yourself that once a woman 'lets herself go' in her marriage, there is no turning back. The OP wants to help his wife and you're talking like we're hunting for sasquatsch...

To me, it seems like you are the one who is intent on misinterpreting my post.

We don't know her or him. OF COURSE it's possible. She just has to find the key to unlock her motivation. She may even have a medical condition (OP- suggest she have her Thyroid checked) that is sabotaging her as well. Don't discourage a man who is trying to preserve his marriage by finding a way to help his wife become attractive to him again.....

Yes, I already acknowledged that it's possible. My point in asking for examples wasn't to discourage him, it was to find similar situations where a turnaround was made, in the hopes that he (and guys in general) could learn from it.

 

Now that I've said basically the exact same thing two posts in a row, perhaps you will get it?

[FarthestEdge]

Has anyone ever heard of a situation where a married woman this far out of shape has ever gotten back into reasonably good shape while staying married?

 

Of course it's theoretically possible. I've never heard of a situation where a married women became obese to the point where her husband lost interest in sex with her, and then got into the kind of shape that re-sparked his interest in sex, all while staying married. Never read about a situation like that on ENA either. So I was asking if others knew of such situations because maybe the OP can learn what worked to turn things around.

 

I don't want to argue with you. It won't help the OP. But read the above, with the emphasis on the bolded parts. The way you write makes it sound like an urban myth that such a thing could happen.

 

IMO WhatThe's situation is completely different. WhatThe doesn't care about his wife or his marriage at this point, only his money. WhatThe has decided that he is a victim to the system and is forced to stay with a woman he has come to despise, because it's more important to him to keep his money.

 

This is NOT the position the OP is in. Both their wives allowed themselves to become obese, and seem uninterested or incapable of turning it around. But that's where the similarities end. The OP here, still loves his wife, and is saddened by his inability to maintain his sexual attraction to her. He WANTS to want his wife, because he still loves her...WhatThe left that port a loooooooooong time ago.

 

You may have intended to look for examples, but then your post was unnecessary because anyone reading this who has them would likely already post. Your posts, with the persistent use of the word 'never', makes it sound like the OP has about as much a chance of helping his wife turn it around than I do of seeing a unicorn outside my office window.

 

If that is not your intent, then I apologize. Unfortunately, I only have your words to go by, and this is how they speak to me.

[hexaemeron]

Gosh, is sex really that important to you? Why would she be punishing you? Do you think an ultimatum / trial separation would scare her into losing some weight?

 

I think you're utterly missing the point. Marriage is not carte blanche to gain as much weight as you want and reasonably expect that intimacy is not going to be affected, from men or women.

[hexaemeron]

Lets just all leave and divorce our partners and because they will get older and become less attractive then, shall we?

 

Why get married? People change and don't stay the way we were when younger.

 

You married for better, for worse......and not until your partner gets fat.

 

Oh get off it. If he were talking about a few stone, that's one thing. But this is serious, life-threatening morbid obesity. It's not just about missing intimacy with the woman he married, but I'm sure he probably doesn't want to bury her and be a single dad just because she can't put down the damn crisps.

[hexaemeron]

OP, there's nothing wrong with how you're feeling and I'm sorry that you're in this position. I know you though just accepting her would be supportive and loving, but when it's gotten to the point that her health/life are in jeopardy, you definitely need to step in and tell her that you love her, you're here for her, but she needs to make choices for herself and her family and if she's not willing to make them, then you need to take your child and go.

 

 

[SayWhen]

I understand where you are coming from. It sounds like you have tried many approaches to this problem via trying to work out with her/cooking for her/shopping for her...and that is A LOT of effort...you have done nothing wrong. She refuses your help and is putting herself at risk for it...and that is not your fault. Neither is it your fault that you find her unattractive at 265lbs. Yikes. Tell her that you are concerned for her health and that unless she works with you on getting her healthy that you do not know if you can stay married to her and watch her kill herself slowly. Or something to that effect, since I know many will see this as "too harsh"...regardless of whether or not it is the truth (which it is). Good luck...keep us updated!

[Scorpion Fury]

I agree with Hex completely. It's not 5 or 10 pounds here. It's like gaining a whole other person. The OP never said he doesn't love her, he said he's not physically attracted to her. I wouldn't be attracted to a guy if he put on that much weight either.

[Cognitive_Canine]

Why are we making the OP feel bad about himself for what he's not attracted to? 5'2 and 265 is very, very obese. It's not like she put on 10 or even 20 pounds. Sorry, but a lot of people would be turned off by this. He didn't say he wants a divorce, he said he DOESN'T want one.

 

OP, ultimately you can sit her down and try to have a nice, loving conversation about her weight and health. But you can't force her to do anything, she's going to have to make this change on her own.

 

I agree. I think the OP should be applauded by how his love for her as let this massive amount of weight not split them up for as long as it has been.

 

He truly has tried and tried and even feels guilty for not being able to love her body.

 

I don't have very much advice for you, OP. But, you should NEVER feel bad for whatever decision you decide to make. You have truly tried and you have shown that your love for her is more than skin deep. I don't know if I could do the same but I would love to think that I'd be as alturistic as you have been.

[Chris76]

Thank you all for your input,I have many times over the past15yrs.tried to help her along, and i swing 20 lbs or so when I work out and quit or when im laid off for a long period of time(I work construction), and my boys arent an issue they both play football and wrestle and they both work hard to control their weight and gain muscle.But I guess it's disheartening when me and my boys are down stairs lifting and shes up watching tv. I guess im going to have to really lay it down this time with some strong emphasis on getting it done for herself and the family.I do love her and we have had alot of good years, I mean personally shes the best,but this weight has made her a little selfish and very jealous of other women.she gets jealous even when I talk to other moms at games or wrestling meets theres alot to tiptoe around with this issue.And yes she works shes a medical assistant and yes her doctors have tried working with her but she always wants to do these crash diets like the cabbage soup diet and its no wonder she quits I would too. I enjoy the high protien low carb diets where you can eat most anything except bread and pasta but its hard to keep her from snacking and her work gets catered by the drug reps four out of five days a week with all kinds of junk food shes just gotta control the snacking and pop intake.But anyway thank you all for your kind input I think it has kinda given me the push to try to get her motivated again.

[hexaemeron]

Sorry, but I don't think there's anything you can do to motivate her. She has to make a choice to motivate herself. She has to want to change. She has to want to really make the effort, and from what you've said, she'd rather just eat herself to death because it's easier.

[SnowFox]

I just wanted to share that I have 4 good friends who all are pretty heavy - not as overweight as your wife, but definitely overweight. I have known them for years and I have watched how hard it is for these people to get weight off and keep it off. One went on a medically supervised liquid diet. One had a lap band put in. I think it honestly takes a lot of motivation and on-going discipline for people who have had extra weight on for a long time to change. I've noticed that the longer they have the weight on, the more discouraged they seem to get about losing it.

 

I would bet money that every single one of them suffers from depression. In fact, 2 of them take antidepessants. But most likely, they really need counseling and some kind of support group on top of that. I've heard a lot of good things about weight watchers - it provides social support and encouragement as well as balanced ideas about weight loss. Maybe your wife would be open to something like that?

 

Hope you can find something that will help your wife!

[lavenderdove]

Before you talk to her, I think you should educate yourself on morbid obesity and its causes. There is an excellent book recently out that discusses the scientific reasons people overeat, with insight into how to reverse the problem. This is the book:

 

link removed

 

Here is a review from Publishers Weekly that gives you the gist of it:

 

"From Publishers Weekly

Conditioned hypereating is a biological challenge, not a character flaw, says Kessler, former FDA commissioner under presidents Bush and Clinton). Here Kessler (A Question of Intent) describes how, since the 1980s, the food industry, in collusion with the advertising industry, and lifestyle changes have short-circuited the body's self-regulating mechanisms, leaving many at the mercy of reward-driven eating. Through the evidence of research, personal stories (including candid accounts of his own struggles) and examinations of specific foods produced by giant food corporations and restaurant chains, Kessler explains how the desire to eat—as distinct from eating itself—is stimulated in the brain by an almost infinite variety of diabolical combinations of salt, fat and sugar. Although not everyone succumbs, more people of all ages are being set up for a lifetime of food obsession due to the ever-present availability of foods laden with salt, fat and sugar. A gentle though urgent plea for reform, Kessler's book provides a simple food rehab program to fight back against the industry's relentless quest for profits while an entire country of people gain weight and get sick. According to Kessler, persistence is all that is needed to make the perceptual shifts and find new sources of rewards to regain control." (May)

Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.

 

I would get that book and read it, tell her it if for yourself, but start discussing with her what you read there. Perhaps she will get interested in it and read it, and agree to a healthy eating plan in your family life for all of you.

 

I can guarantee if she is morbidly obese, she is already miserable, but doesn't know where to turn. You can start by educating yourselves, but without the judgemental tangent that many people get onto about overweight people. Fat bashing is acceptable in our society, when there should be empathy for how miserable most fat people really are, and how dehumanizing the idea that they are weak or morally bad when it is a biological problem much like drug addiction. It is a medical and biological problem that can be won, but you have to work with your body rather than have today's food eating patterns work against you. You as a family will need to entirely change the way you eat, and if you do, the weight will come off and stay off.

 

Start by reading that very enlightening book, and it could set you both on the path to a healthier life.

[NightLily]

Have you considered asking her to go to counseling or marriage counseling? There is more than likely something mental behind it. She must know how drastically unhealthy it is.

 

If she accepts, it will be probably because she wants to do it for herself. Try to get her to understand that you don't want it just for you, but for concern for her (I assume this to be the case). Get rid of the junk food in the house if you haven't, get her to meet with a dietician or maybe do WW online or at meetings. She is going to have to be empowered if she is going to do it. You can't drag her through to the finish.

[Circe]

I agree with most of this but it is also partially about him. It b*oody hurts when someone you love is putting their health in such danger and won't fix it. Yes you know they have deep issues and don't want to be that way. But god it hurts to think that they could die and leave you in unbelievable pain and grief for the rest of your life when they COULD fix this problem and won't.

 

I had this issue with my mum. She too is obese. It does really, really hurt and as much as you know its not personal.. you can't help but feel angry at them for what they are doing because it sure does affect you.

[Circe]

I'm the same height as your wife so I'm trying to understand how .. I mean she doesn't need to crash diet. She could have a big bowl of pasta for breakfast lunch and dinner and still lose weight - given how much she presently weighs.

 

I don't think there's a shadow of doubt here that there are undelying issues (be it depression, stress - whatever) that need to be addressed before diet and exercise.

[inspectahpecks]

As someone that used to be VERY overweight, I thought I would try and offer you (and your wife) a bit of hope.

 

Don't listen to all these people saying that she'll never lose the weight. Anyone can lose weight if they put their mind to it, so don't give up on her.

 

She'll need a lot of support and patience if you are going to help her get through this, as in my experience, battling through my addiction to food was the hardest thing that I have ever done in my life.

 

From your posts so far it seems as though your wife is certainly unhappy with her weight, which is the first key to losing it. There's no point in trying to change someone that doesn't want to be changed.

 

I can only offer advice on what worked for me, but I had to COMPLETELY change my lifestyle. It will no doubt be every aspect of her life that contributes to her over-eating and therefore her weight. She needs to keep her mind occupied in between meals, to stop herself snacking. And is she does want to snack, then make sure it's on fruit. The hardest part is the first few weeks. Once she's into a routine, she wont even have to work at it anymore, eating healthily will just come naturally to her. The weight loss will also be VERY noticeable at first, which should be encouraging.

 

More than anything else though she'll need your support. It wont be easy at first, and she'll no doubt experience a lot of hunger pains. She'll have to be very strong to stop herself caving in and gorging, and that's were she'll need your support.

 

Mum's have it really hard, they have to carry all that extra baby weight whilst being constantly encouraged to eat more, and then they're expected to magically return back to their 'pre-baby' body within five minutes of popping out the sprog! Not that pregnancy is any excuse for becoming morbidly obese, but I managed it without getting pregnant so can certainly sympathise!

[diabolik]

As someone that used to be VERY overweight, I thought I would try and offer you (and your wife) a bit of hope.

 

Don't listen to all these people saying that she'll never lose the weight. Anyone can lose weight if they put their mind to it, so don't give up on her.

 

She'll need a lot of support and patience if you are going to help her get through this, as in my experience, battling through my addiction to food was the hardest thing that I have ever done in my life.

 

From your posts so far it seems as though your wife is certainly unhappy with her weight, which is the first key to losing it. There's no point in trying to change someone that doesn't want to be changed.

So what made you decide to change? I think we all agree that is the key. The OP sounds like he will be very supportive once she makes this decision. But I think where we are all struggling in terms of advising the OP is in how to influence his wife to decide to make a change.

[inspectahpecks]

I made the change as soon as my weight problems started to make me unhappy. For quite a long time I was perfectly happy with being overweight, and therefore had no desire to change. Not all overweight people are unhappy.

 

However, from what the OP has posted, it sounds as though his wife is unhappy, and should therefore be receptive to change.

 

Breeching the subject with her will obviously be VERY difficult at first, but he's got nothing to lose at this stage.

 

I'm reluctant to offer specific advice as to exactly how he should go about initiating the conversation, as I don't know his wife well enough. But I'm sure the OP knows the best way to approach this subject without making her feel completely worthless.

[cantexplain]

I know that many times what seems like the thing to say to an addict appears to be the right and obvious thing, but it only drives them in deeper. I think there may be some real skills about this sort of relational psychology published somewhere. Crazyaboutdogs made a great post along these lines a few days back.

 

In my experience showing love and respect ... giving them their own space to feel good about themselves on their own power ... then from this foundation of their own begin helping themselves ... is the best I can do. It means me stepping away from trying to motivate change, especially in any controlling kind of way.

[lavenderdove]

There is a good expression that says, hate the sin, but love the sinner. So you have to be non-judgmental if you want to help and motivate someone to change. Self hatred is one of the primary reason people DON't change... they feel worthless and hopeless and think nothing will help, so they don't change.

 

The best way to motivate change is to shift the frame of reference. That's why doing reading and research into the causes of weight gain and ways to make weight loss stick are important. People who keep weight off need to make a permanent change in their diet and lifestyle, and he can start by reading and telling her that he wants to eat healther, and the whole family should be be eating healthier, including her.

[WhatThe]

I've struggled with this issue with my wife for years. You may be doomed. I hate to say it, but either you accept her the way she is, or move on.

 

People who are bashing you about being "shallow" just don't have a clue. I read a hundred threads about this issue when I was trying to figure out what to do about my wife's weight issue. One thing I noticed is that you will *never*, and I mean *never* see a comment about being "shallow" from someone actually facing the issue of their formerly normal-sized spouse becoming obese. People who have not dealt with the issue have absolutely no clue. There are men who like fat women, and that is fine, but they make that choice. We did not make the choice, it was forced upon us by our spouses. There is no other issue in relationships where one spouse FORCES another to accept something bad, and everyone says that behavior is OK. Only in the weight issue is this accepted. If a spouse is a drug, alcohol, sex, tobacco or gambling addict, everyone will say you have a right to demand change. If the spouse is a food addict, well, tough luck, you have to accept the situation, in fact, you must embrace and love the situation or you are a bad person. This is in spite of the fact that obesity is a deadly affliction that impacts not only the obese person, but everyone around them.

 

It is not about looks. This is not a matter of a poor photo or not being able to wear lingerie. Obesity changes nearly everything. The once normal sized person who becomes obese moves differently, their voice changes, their breathing changes, they sleep poorly, they sleep much more than they used to, they can't participate in physical activities like they used to. Every time you go somewhere, you have to move at half speed. I personally now weigh 80 pounds less than my wife, and we can't sleep in the same bed because I just keep rolling into her. Everyone knows the extreme health issues, so I won't list them here. Obese people place a huge burden on their spouses with their health issues. Avoidable health issues, if only they would take responsibility for their health. But hey, you just have to accept that they are OK with killing themselves. If they smoked two packs a day, or drank to excess, you could complain and expect change. Since it is "only" food, just suck it up and deal with it.

 

You are now living with a different person than the one you married. But hey, it is up to YOU to deal with that. YOU are at fault if you can't accept it.

[Devchonka]

Thats harsh. Im happy you mentioned to her that youre unhappy with her weight. If my partner mentioned to me this I probably would have been really involved into loosing the weight...women are more selfconcious afterall.

 

HUmm. Did you get a chance to sit down and politely explain to her how when you two began dating you guys looked a certain way and blah blah blah love love love but you're not as sexually attracted to the change in the body type and you wanted to see whether there's something you two can do together to conquer it. You can put some stuff in about heart disease, earlier death, children on their own blah blah stuff in there too. But specifically that you don't feel as sexually attracted to her and want to try a gym routine couple times a week together.....etcetc......or you guys can join a class so the physical activity doesn't seem so hard....I lost A LOT of weight when I started martial arts and I was small anyway...the muscle mass in nice...and I felt much better and healthier.

 

Maybe she's overwhelmed by the idea of loosing so much weight? She needs to losose a hundred pouds after all.

 

Its nice that you try to work out with her and make her lunch and things of that nature. Although she really should be motivated to do this on her own. Maybe you can approach it as a health risk problem? I'm not sure.

 

I like the class idea.

 

I know what you mean about not being as sexually attracted to your mate. When I met my fiance he was 200 pounds, 6'1 and in great shape. Well in the past three years because of full time college while working he gained 80 pounds...at first it was just a change in muscle mass, and in the last year he gained 80 pounds. The face is the same but I just don't have the 'I gotta have you here and now' feelings for him. He actually stopped taking care of himself in general which is not helping. I mentioned to him that he really needs to at least eat better (he eats twice a day and its all greesy food)...he knows but he doesn't try, he just doesn't care. I guess I'll have to go with two more years of him being huge, once he's out of college he'll go back to the gym (I HOPE!) I'm almost resenting him a little now, he knows I don't find him as attractive but he just doesn't do anything about it, keeps eating the same crap, doesn't even try a little physical exercise. He just completely let himself go thinking he'll just do the gym thing later. Well, what the hell am I supposed to do til then? If I gained 80 pounds and stopped maintaining my looks I'm sure he wouldn't like it.

 

Oy vei. Well, good luck!