..to whom it may concern...

[kalikat]

Ok, back to my sister..

As far as the money goes, I finally confronted her with all the info I had found. And she admits (a little) of what she has done. But she has still not come clean - not completely. She is still trying to convince me that most of the money from those refi's went for mom's care. She is only admitting that she used $100k for her own purposes.

But I have copies of the cashiers checks that were written specifically to the escrow companies that handled her transactions. And her debt to my mothers estate is close to $350k!

Okay - I don't push it. I let her pay back towards what she is claiming to owe and let it be. Why?

Because she is my only sister, and mom and dad are both gone. I would rather try to salvage even a piece of our relationship, than to alienate her forever.

Wait... there is soo much more to this story:

 

1) My sis also had my moms trust written, after mom had the initial stroke. When mom signed it, she was more aware at that point, but she had also started down the dementia path (she saw waterfalls coming out of her bedroom walls). Sis also had her policeman-boyfriend come to the house, in uniform, to convince mom to sign the trust.

2) What I didn't know until about 6 months ago was that there was already an existing will, and in my sisters new version she had completely written out my daughter. My daughter was the only grandchild for my mom and dad. they both loved her beyond words. Especially my mom. My mom lived for her granddaughter. nothing brought her more joy. and to find out that sis had cut her out completely killed me.

also came to find out (more recently) that mom had already had a will in place before she had her strokes. Sis had received a letter from mom's lawyer stating that many years prior. But chose to ignore it. and never told me about it.

 

there's more, but these are the biggest issues. I feel like I have forgiven her for so many things. Yet I see that still she shows no remorse. She feels fully justified in all her actions. Why? maybe because she lived with mom the last few years, even though she didn't stay in town very much. I don't know.

[kalikat]

The reason I started writing all of this down was my inability to heal from Sam. I can't let go and move forward. I miss him every single day. I cry, still, every day.

With all the things I have lived through, all the pain I have endured, I would have thought myself to be strong enough to get past this. But it doesn't seem to be happening.

I never imagined that this relationship would be the thing that would finally break me.

I try to not have contact with him, but the loan thing gave me no choice. And I am still moving stuff from his house (I'm doing it by myself, so it is taking a long time). I do everything I can to go there when I know that he will not be around. But half the time he shows up. And when he's not there, I actually feel a little disappointed.

I keep trying to see a new life for myself. Try to make plans without him included. It isn't working. Where I used to see my future, I just see an empty void.

I think that I understand a little better why I am having so much difficulty with this.

I allowed every thread of my life to get intertwined with his. And he cut the strings.

He helped me find my strength after being in an abusive relationship. He made a promise to me that we would never separate. That this was it!

And I believed him.

how am I supposed to believe anyone ever again?

Don't see that happening

[kalikat]

Seems like the more I try to keep the NC rule, the more he tries to contact me! Yesterday, I go3 text messages and 2 phone messages. Nothing important, really. So I made a choice not to return his calls, etc.

But just hearing his voice, sounding so care-free, well that was enough to ruin my mood. In a big way!

Today I feel like I am almost back to square one. On the edge of tears all day. nothing made me happy. And every little thing reminded me of him! I almost had a full meltdown in the middle of Target, because I saw some heels I knew he would have liked me to wear (he had a shoe thing). I literally had to walk out of the store and sit in my car for awhile, convincing myself it was okay to go back in.

And yesterday, after I heard his messages, I was so upset that I (honest to God) let out a primal scream... in the middle of the post office!

Surprised they didn't haul me away.

This is insane! I don't want to linger. I don't want to keep hurting! So why do I still allow it to affect me so much?

[kalikat]

guess that , if nothing else, I'm learning a lot about myself through this process. For years, I've had this thing that I call the "black hole"... it's where my brain runs off to when I'm having a difficult time dealing with something. Basically, I remove myself from the situation and pretty much from everything else, too.

I try not to dwell on the problem; instead I draw, watch movies, anything I can do that doesn't involve interaction with people. this all started many years ago when some idiot doctor had me on 90mg of prozac a day! can you imagine!? When I finally weened myself off the meds, I vowed to never again let anyone or anything dull my senses. So now my brain just takes a break. And I know when I am ready to rejoin the real world because, in its silence, my brain finds resolution.

This process used to last for up to a week. But I had gotten much better at it - could get from beginning to end in half a day.

This situation, however, has had me spinning in and out of the black whole for almost three months. And as hard and painful as its been, I've always realized that it's a "necessary evil"- part of the process that will eventually get me to where I need to be.

So, while I have been in this blackness these are the things that have clarified for me:

1- what I have been holding onto is not much more than a wish that things would be as they were when we first found each other again. It was a magical thing. I wanted to believe that we had been brought back together (after10 years!) for a reason. not to get chewed up and spit out yet again.

2- yes, by the end there were massive issues. mostly things that were wrapped around his kids, and definitely things which I did not have the ability (or the right)to change. What he chooses to do with the girls, and how he chooses to deal with their behavior - thats completely out of my control. The only thing I have any control over is how I choose to react to those decisions. this was always one of the major problems in our relationship. I would see them use and abuse his good nature constantly. And I would get upset. I would try to protect him from his own kids. but he didn't want to be protected. He would rather live in denial and pretend that the girls were "sweet angels". In my opinion, all this does is open the door for worse things to happen. these girls have no sense of right and wrong - life is all about what they can get away with. And thats one thing when you have a dad that will take all your crap and swallow it whole. Its a whole different thing out there in the real world.

This is one of the things I am still trying to detach from. Its hard to watch someone you care for get beat up day after day by his kids. But the path he is leading them down... lets just say I'm afraid it will get much worse before the end.

3- some of my pain - not all of it, but a chunk - comes from this "aging" thing. I'm getting closer and closer to 50 - which I can't even believe to be true. I don't feel that old!

But at this point in life, chances are slim to none that I will find someone else. Not only that, But I really don't feel up to the whole "meeting someone, dating" etc. I don't want to have to start all over again. stubborn? lazy? yeah, guess I am. And I will not drag my daughter through one more failing relationship. think she's dealt with enough of those.

 

(three a.m.... more later)

its my birthday...think I'll go into hiding today. its going to be a rough one, I can tell already.

[kalikat]

got thru my birthday as quietly as possible. which is what I wanted.

Received a"happy b-day" text from sam (woop).

 

So the next day(tues.), I started making stuff happen that had been a long time coming.

First, I rented a big moving truck. I drove it down to "home depot" where there are always guys looking for day work. I hired 2 of them for the day. And we went and took almost all the rest of my stuff from sam's house. my dresser, couches, all the big stuff.

Have to admit, it was a very bittersweet feeling.

Took some of the stuff to my teeny apartment. The rest went to storage. I can figure out what to do with it all bit by bit.

 

On Wednesday, I finally went and did all the paperwork to renew my US passport. YAY!

I even paid extra for them to rush it through. Not sure where I am going yet, but at least now I will be able to go at the drop of a hat.

Took a dance class on Thursday. God, I am the oldest person in there by about 20 years.

Tough! I refuse to let something so insignificant as age get in my way. We have no control over our physical age. It's our mental age that counts (at least that's how I see it).

Yesterday I told Sam that he is not allowed to text me or call or email me anymore. That he needed to allow me the chance to heal. Which is impossible with him lurking around every corner. He seemed to understand perfectly. And he has not contacted me at all. Thing is, I miss him.

I'm sure it's like we just broke up all over again. Knowing that I won't hear his voice, knowing not to expect his calls... I don't know. I thought it would give me more strength. But it seems to have left me pretty much empty.

He was more than just my boyfriend. He was my best friend. Pretty much the only person I hung out with. Now it's just me, my dog and the TV. My daughter is here, too. But it's not the same. And god knows I am not going to start hanging out with a 19 year old and all her little friends. That would be too creepy!

Have no idea what's ahead of me. But I'm going to try to keep a positive attitude. Hold onto the tiny bit of faith I have left.

Ayudame, sujetame- adelante voy

(help me hold me- forward I go)

[kalikat]

well that didn't last very long.

been trying so hard to keep my head clear & move forward. But it just doesn't seem to work. have had a very difficult day again today. tears come easily. chose to not go to my dance class - figured I could be depressed alone or depressed surrounded by a bunch of strangers. I chose "alone".

 

Even though my mind is trying to stay optimistic - I can not imagine a new relationship- a new person. I don't want that. But I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life, either.

Feel like I am tormenting myself now. Like my brain has split in two (remember the "pushme-pullyou" from the original Dr doolittle?).

 

Its only 7:30pm. but I think the best thing to do for myself right now would be to take a hot shower, benadryl, and go to sleep. At least when I am asleep, my brain doesn't hurt so much.

[kalikat]

so, go to sleep a couple nights ago and wake up with the stomach flu at 3am. too much fun! have been in bed since. today still feeling queazy. Hoping it will pass 'cuz I have errands to do.

A friend brought up a very valid point. something that has gone through my head a few times, but doesn't seem to stick...

how could I possibly still want him back after all the pain he has caused?

And what I am realizing is that what I really want is to stop time, and erase the last few months. Go back to where it was before all this happened.

What I want is something that can never happen.

So it is something I have to let go of.

 

On another note: still looking for work (no school districts here are hiring full time teachers).

Appraisal for property came in super low...in a nutshell that means that I will most likely end up having togive my sister every penny I got from the refi (which means I might still end up on food stamps). Which would also throw all other plans I had out the window.

back to the drawing board...

[kalikat]

went into a deep black hole after last posting. Weekends always seem harder than the rest of the week. always waiting for the phone to ring...but it never does.

 

trying to get myself motivated. been looking into getting back into dance classes. found a couple of studios not too far from home. just can't make myself get up and go to class! geeez

 

tried taking myself shopping yesterday. that did not help at all. everything reminds me of him.

constant dialogue in my head:

"why bother buying new clothes? have no where to wear it to..." or " no one I need to look good for.... "

 

etc.. can't seem to turn off that voice in my head.

day turns into night and back into day

I know I need to kick myself in the butt and move on. but I just don't have any motivation.

[kalikat]

things got busy this week. In a good way, I think.

Rented out the last empty unit I had.

Working on the last of the repairs & stuff.

Now I need to call a lawyer to chase down the tenants that were there before... the ones that disappeared into thin air and still owe me $7000! really sucks. one more reason not to trust people. y'know, you're nice to them, sympathize with their problems, and BAM! they kick you and run.

 

I used to track these types down myself, but I just don't feel like going through the hassle. so I'll get an attorney& split whatever he can recover with him. at least ther won't be any more upfront expenses.

 

went to dance class this week - it was okay, not great. going to look for another studio to try out.

 

My daughter & I got both passed the test for Mensa! that is very cool!

 

...

on another note

wed. (november 4th) was the 1 year anniversary of my mom's passing.

It's really strange.. I knew the day was coming, I had thought about it a few times. And then the day came and went and I felt absolutely nothing. My sis sent me a text at the end of the day, telling me how hard the day had been for her. and I felt nothing.

And still, almost 6 years later, I get so depressed on the anniversary of my dads' death.

I think there are a few reasons for this:

1) cuz I was with dad when he died, and my sis was with mom when she died.

2) my mom was suffering so much by the end of her life, I almost felt relief when she died. I knew that her pain was finally gone.

3) mom and I never had a great relationship. I loved her; she was my mom. but I never felt I could talk to her about anything. I was 44 years old the first time my mother said she loved me. 44! and that was after she had suffered the first major strokes.

still, for good or bad, she was mom.

 

que duerma con los angelitos.

[kalikat]

life goes on... whether we want it to or not.

Actually, I'm saying this because I'm finally starting to see a faint glimmer of light at the end of this tunnel.

Don't get me wrong- I'm still not through the sadness & doubts, etc.

But for some reason, today I am feeling a sense of calm that I haven't felt for a long time. Tears are still near the surface, but they are under control a little more than last week.

I found pages of a book that I had actually started to write many years ago. believe it or not, it is a self-help book. Things to do when you suddenly find yourself on your own. how to get past pain, refocus your energy, things like that.

Except my book gives you more. Not only does it deal with emotional help, but external things as well. Like: finding the shut off for your water main, and useful fixes around the house that usually fall on "the man" to do.

Basically, the book is meant to empower women that may be finding themselves on their own for the first time in years. It teaches them to be self sufficient. I included a lot of different, small yet useful projects in the book - projects from redecorating to basic plumbing and repair stuff for the house. That's 1/2 the book. the other half deals with internal "fixes" - talks about affirmations, pampering yourself, thought processes, etc. Deciding what will be next in your life.

And through the external and internal work, the book helps women regain strength and focus in who they are, and what they really want.

Funny, I had forgotten about this project. And as I read through it, I realized I needed to take some of my own advice.

SO ... I have painted my room, moved furniture around, built a small bookshelf.

and it helps!

Not only does keeping busy keep my mind off the negative stuff, but there is a certain satisfaction that you get from looking at a finished product and knowing that you did it yourself.

Think I need to finish writing this book!

[kalikat]

y'know how I know? Because I am not writing in here as much as I was.

I don't really know if the pain will ever really go away. but I'm learning more and more how to deal with it.

I also realized that what I was going through were the classic stages of grief. Denial - Anger - Bargaining - Depression - Acceptance.

Right now I feel myself between #4 and #5.

so, shockingly enough, I will live. who knew?

Here is a great quote by Freud:

"We find a place for what we lose. Although we know that after such a loss the acute stage of mourning will subside, we also know that we shall remain inconsolable and will never find a substitute. No matter what may fill the gap, even if it be filled completely, it nevertheless remains something else".

--- Sigmund Freud (1961)

[kalikat]

soooo...

I've met someone.

Someone who seems very genuine & honest.

Spoke on the phone for about a week or so before we met in person. Which was great, because I immediately felt at ease with him. Not afraid to speak my mind. No "awkward" silences.

We both felt comfortable with each other from the start - like we had known each other for years.

Spent the entire day together on Saturday. And it was fun! Very relaxed & enjoyable.

I know that I am not ready to go full speed into any kind of committed relationship right now. Still have things that need to be dealt with.

But I know that, worst case, I have found myself a very good friend. As for the rest... time will tell.

One thing I do know for sure... he has made me smile all week. And I hadn't smiled in a very long time. (thanks,dave)

[kalikat]

Progress! finally!

Thanksgiving day was a little rough, feeling so disconnected. But on Friday, I had to see Sam (business stuff). And I was fine! No tears at least. Saw his folks and his brother & niece. I know that just a few weeks ago I would have been a basket case when I left there. I still feel sadness, that's something that I'm not sure will ever disappear. But I am in control of it - it does not control me! And for me, that is a huge step forward

[kalikat]

can't believe it has been a month since I last wrote! just trying to get past the holidays with as little damage as possible.

This has always been a rough time of year for me. but this year has been the worst of all.

nothing like the holidays to really make you aware of just how alone you are.

[kalikat]

so another month passes. And I'm still here. Functioning as best I can.

Threw myself into a huge project, remodel on a house. That has kept me going. but still no "real job", no significant other. Few friends - all far away. I swear there are times when I will go 3 or 4 days without speaking to anyone other than my daughter. Or the handymen working on the house.

[kalikat]

So remodel is nearing completion - after many setbacks and added expenses. Which I guess is usually the case.

Now I'm trying to gather the strength to move one more time. It's so difficult to start packing again. this is the 4th or 5th move in as many years. I keep looking at everything, and have no clue where to start. Plus there are still a few things at Sam's house which I would like to get back once the move is done.

funny, I've wanted to do this for so long, but now I feel frozen.

I guess because this wasn't exactly the way I though it would be. This is another one of those scenarios where it was supposed to happen with the man I love(d). Now its just me & my daughter, and a heck of a lot of work for one person to do.

Dad always said " you are the only person you can truly count on -you will never turn against yourself, You will only want the best for yourself. So get to know yourself well. And know that you can do anything if you try"

And he's right. but it's not very fun this way.

 

Tomorrow will be 7 years since he passed away. And I would swear it just happened a week ago. I always struggle through these days. But the time I spend in sadness gets to be shorter each year. Which is progress, in some peoples eyes.

 

love you, papi.

[kalikat]

Moving almost done, thank goodness. hoping it will be the last time for a very, very long time.

 

On a different note...

Finally built up the strength & courage to try one of those online dating sites. Actually have met a great guy, michael. We are really in tune with each other, enjoy the same things, have the same, slightly twisted, sense of humor. Very intelligent (which is important to me).

So we've been seeing each other for a couple months now. And lately he started feeling ill. Fatigue, stomach problems, etc. He went to the doctor last week... turns out his liver is shot. Will most likely need a transplant within the next year or 2. Bam! Out of nowhere. He's not a big drinker, or anything like that. Just luck of the draw, I guess.

This is really hard. Because I feel him withdrawing. He doesn't want me to have to go through all this with him. Which I understand. And we haven't been seeing each other very long.

But what if I want to go through it with him? Be there for him?

I don't know what I'm thinking right now...

my head is kind of spinning. it's all very surreal.

and from a purely selfish prospective- I finally pull it together to try again, and get hit with this.

Maybe Gods trying to tell me something.

[kalikat]

Ok - time for a few updates here...

 

There's a john melloncamp song that keeps going throught my head- well only one part of it, really.

"...life goes on, even after the thrill of living is gone".

Those words ring true way more often than not.

 

Michael went into the hospital the end of April. Has been moved to 3 different facilities, but will most likely not be coming home for quite a while. They say he needs a new liver. But they haven't been able to get him onto a transplant list yet. Even once that happens, there are about 9000 people in line ahead of him. So basically, take a number & see if you get to live or die. Optimism only lasts for so long, you know?

I have finally had enough of my sisters manipulations and egocentric power trips & control issues. She finally broke the camels back. I realize now that, no matter what I do or say, she will never change her ways. She will continue to justify her actions in her head. And it makes no difference to her that the things she has done have direct, negative impact on my life. So I guess I no longer have a sister. Very sad to me. For the past 6 years, I have ignored her actions, telling myself that she's the only sister I have. Trying to salvage a relationship between us. But that is just not working. I don't need someone in my life that only brings more pain; more stress. I wish her well. but not with me.

[kalikat]

There is a kind of sadness that permeates every layer of a person. Grabs hold, and refuses to let go. No matter what else happens, the pain of that sadness is all you feel.

 

Michael has slipped into the next phase of his illness - hallucinations & slight dementia.

...let me back up a minute:

He is still not on any liver transplant list. All liver recipients have to show a proven track record of no less than 6 months with no alcohol. which (for most) means attending AA mtgs, or going through a rehab facility. They want to make sure that those people receiving the livers aren't just going to trash the new one- which is understandable.

Individual circumstances don't matter. This is a rule upheld by every donor location in the U.S.

So, when Michael started getting a little better in the general hospital, they decided to have him go to a rehab facility so he could start being "on record" for not drinking (although he had already been not drinking for almost a year - even then it was just the occasional glass of wine).

They send him to the rehab place, where he immediately takes a turn for the worse. Rehab sends him back to the hospital. He stabilizes, then gets sent to a long term care facility for about a week. Seems to get stronger, so is sent back to rehab place - where again he gets very weak & gets sent back to general hospital... see the pattern? This has been going on since April! So far he has been sent to each facility 3 or 4 times - being bounced all around the system. Now he is back at the long term care facility. They have been doing paracentisis treatments on him about every 10 days. This involves sticking a needle in his abdomen & draining all this excess fluid that accumulates there due to the lack of liver function.

The hallucinations began about a week ago.He tells us stories about the staff at the hospital pulling AK-47's on him, and he's absolutely paranoid about some "conspiracy theory" plot against him. We talk him through everything & explain that none of those things are real...

What has happened is this: When the liver functions become minimal, the toxins that are normally filtered out get thrown back into your system. One of these toxins is aluminum. And once the aluminum reaches the brain, it causes hallucinations, dementia, etc. They can counter act that a little by adding magnesium to the IV, but until the liver gets fixed (or replaced) it does not got away.

They have had to tie him to the bed at night, because he would wake up disoriented & start trying to yank the IV's out of his arms.

I hate that I can't fix this. That I can't make anything better.

But more than anything, I'm having major flashbacks about my mom. When she had the 1st major stroke, she was having hallucinations.Which turned into minor, then major dementia. Til she stopped functioning altogether. The last 5 years of her life were like this. And I remember how hard it was for her. And I think how much harder it is going to become for Michael. And I just cry...

[kalikat]

Holy Cow! Can't even believe I'm saying this - But michael is getting better! At least they think he is.

Well enough to go home, at any rate. They sent him home a couple of weeks ago from the hospital. I am a bit skeptical about this. I'm afraid he will fall into a relapse and be alone at his house. But - I'm sure he is happy to be out of the hospital after almost 3 months!

As I expected, he has distanced himself from me, & I from him. So there's that. We still speak on a weekly basis, more or less. And he needs time & space to heal & get stronger.

Would have been interesting to see how this would have played out had he not gotten so ill. Who knows? Worst case, I've got a great friend. Hope against hope that he truly is getting better. Kind of hard for me to ggrasp, cuz he was so sick not that long ago.

only time will tell...

[kalikat]

Been trying to move forward. Dating a little. But I'm realizing more & more that as much as I'd like to have someone special in my life, I don't know if I'm ready for that just yet. For example:

Been out a few times with "tim". Super nice guy, high energy, etc. We communicate on almost a daily basis via text messages. But this past week, I didn't hear from him for about 4 days. I sent him 3 messages which he didn't respond to. And I really did a number on my head! Did he not want to see me anymore? Wat had I done wrong? etc...

So today, I sent a message asking what was wrong? And his answer...his phone was dead & he just got it charged up today & "sorry".

Then he asks if I want to go out tomorrow night.

And I hesitate like crazy! First of all, "my phone is dead" seems like a weak excuse to me. Plus, I've now got all this sadness, resentment, I don't know what, all built up inside. I mean, hell, if I go to that extreme with someone I've only known a few months, how can I possibly see myself in a relationship? So much crap came to the surface - stuff I realize I need to deal with before I allow myself to truly fall for someone.

 

On a lighter note...

Went to an event a couple of weeks ago. Live Swing music (which I love)at a free concert downtown. Went alone, with plans to meet a friend later.

And who do I run into? Sam! with some girl (don't know if its the new girlfriend or just a friend). The good thing was that I was perfectly fine with it. In fact, I decided to go say hello. But when I turned around, he was nowhere to be found! He had seen me & ran off! I immediately sent him a text, telling him that there was no need for him to leave, and that I had no problem with him being there. I have not seen or heard from him since. that was about a month ago.

Made me finally realize what a weak, cowardly person he truly is. And that the problems there had been between us were clearly not all my fault. I knew that before, but now I knew it to be true.

[kalikat]

Oh... and the girl he was with? She could have been my twin!

[kalikat]

So - Timmy...

Stuck his foot in it again - the * * * * * * * !

Once a month, he goes to europe on business for a week. This time, while he was gone, I went away on a small vacation as well.So when I get back, I was anxious to see him. But he says he's tired, jet lag, etc. which I understand. Regardless, we made plans to meet in the early evening just for a drink & to say hi.

 

Okay - so I head over to his place around 7pm. As I'm driving into the parking area, I glance in my rear view & see his car driving in behind me! No big deal, right? yeah.. then I see the blonde in the passenger seat next to him.

Again, no biggie. I have no claims to this guy. He's free to do whatever he wants.

I park my car, & wait. They drive past me to another parking area. Both get out & go to his place (did I mention that he lives on a boat?).

She helps him carry in a couple bags of groceries or something, and within a few minutes, she is heading back to the parking area to leave in her car.

In the meantime, I start calling Tim on his cell. First off - to let him know I was there. & if it was bad timing on my part, I would leave & see him the next day. But also - because of where he lives, he has to physically come down & unlock the gate to the docks to let me in.

 

The first lie comes when he answers the phone - " I was just cleaning up cuz I 've been working on the boat all day". Obviously he didn't see me driving in front of him. I ask if he can come let me in the gate.Which he does, but takes his sweet time doing so. What he was doing was waiting for the other girl to get into her car & leave. Which, again I understand. But he didn't wait long enough. She sees me walking up to the baot with him & starts screaming at the top of her lungs "really, tim? really? what the F* is this??"

I stayed very calm. I told him " look, you & I are friends. We go out every so often. I have no claim to you, nor you to me. But I think you best go talk to that girl out there. Let her know we 're just having a drink, etc" It took a while, but he finally went down to the dock & talked to her. Heck, if nothing else, to get her to shut up! (yeah -she just kept on yelling).

Here' s what bothered me about this whole little scenario : it wasn't that he had been hanging out with saomeone else... I truly am okay with that because we are NOT a couple. we just occasionally date.

What bothered me was the fact that he didn't just tell me outright that he already had other plans for that day. And that he had never mentioned the fact that there even was anyone else he was seeing. to me, omission is deception.

I did tell him that straight out (finally). I also told him that if he ever lies to me again, I will stop seeing him completely. Honestly, its way easier for me to hear from him that he's got other plans, than to find out after the fact that he's been feeding me a bunch of b.s.

The first way is acting like adults. the second way is playing me for a fool. Been there, done that - thank you.. and will never allow it to happen again

[kalikat]

On a completely different note...

 

Been counting the days til my birthday - big milestone this year. Turning 50...is that even possible?

I was freaked by it for awhile, because to me, 50 used to be ancient! Not anymore. Not for me, anyway.

Age really is more a state of mind. Its how you feel; what you've learned through the years. Physical age is something we have no control over. What you can control is your attitude towards it.

So, with 22 days left of being in my 40's, I've decided its time for a bucket list. Its not really extensive (yet). But at least its a place to start.

 

The "List"

Go to art school in Italy

Go to Cuba, & meet the rest of my family

golf lessons (I suck right now!)

perform on stage at least one more time

Get my paintings exhibited in a gallery (or two)

travel, travel, travel!

remodel or build a new house where I am now

publish at least one of my books

 

okay, that's the start. I'm sure I will think of more things as time passes

[kalikat]

Re: TIm..I've come to realize that what I'm freaked about is not so much whether or not he's seeing other people.

What it really comes down to is that I doubt I would survive another break-up. .

It's like a catch 22 for me - what I want is what I fear the most. SO, being the "me" that I am, I avoid the possibility of getting too close to anyone, thereby eliminating the chance of getting hurt. But I want to be close to someone. I want someone to grow old with.

so where does this leave me?