Nicole2009 Posted September 26, 2009 Author Share Posted September 26, 2009 Thanks. I just kind of need to document this process I'm going through. I'm trying to find the right balance for myself, not for him. He's made his decision. Now its my turn to make the decision. I am enjoying this time alone. I've been able to think of things in my career that I would like to do/accomplish. I know for sure that I do not want to be friends. I think that would be a treacherous path for both of us. We just have too much in common. You are right about one thing, they are scared that those feelings will come back, the ones that broke us up in the first place. I think only time will tell in most of these instances. If we were only patient, but in a time when everything is instant it will definitely be a test! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
coolchick64 Posted September 26, 2009 Share Posted September 26, 2009 Well said, LLW. Great advice. After reading so many stories on these threads, it seems clear that breaking up is a process, more than an event. It takes time for everything to completely unwind and go away. In that gray zone, there's potential for reconciliation and every contact opens that door, which is good. But I think the exercise of opening and closing the door is also part of letting go. That's why it can be so confusing. Both parties have a lot at stake. Both parties have mixed feelings. Trust is stretched beyond any reasonable limit. It's a minefield. Nicole, I think you should do whatever makes you happy. If that changes tomorrow, then do something else. There's no right answer. Don't worry about what your ex is thinking or how he feels. This is all about you and what you need now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nicole2009 Posted September 28, 2009 Author Share Posted September 28, 2009 You know, it's odd when the person who dumped you argues with you about why you either have your phone off or why you don't pick it up. This is the third conversation we have had about this. He caught himself this morning, admitting that it is my phone and I can do with it as I please, but he thinks it's kind if weird. I don't get it!!! He's the one who said that he needed space and time, and that he didn't feel like being in a relationship. What does he want? What us he doing? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LillyLooWho Posted September 28, 2009 Share Posted September 28, 2009 People can be ambivalent about things all the time. He wants both things - to be near you when he wants but also time and space. He wants you at the same time he doesn't want you. It's not logical. It's emotional. It's frustrating! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lavender25 Posted September 28, 2009 Share Posted September 28, 2009 People can be ambivalent about things all the time. He wants both things - to be near you when he wants but also time and space. He wants you at the same time he doesn't want you. It's not logical. It's emotional. It's frustrating! It's selfish. I'm struggling with this now. My ex broke NC again last Thursday night in an online chat and we spoke for hours! On the one hand I'm thinking "He didn't forget about me. He obviously misses me because he wants to talk to me. I wonder if he is leading up to something...?" On the other hand, I'm thinking, "No. This isn't fair. You don't get to break up with me and go out with your friends and hang out with all of these new girls (may be friends, may not be friends) and THEN get to still talk to me for as long as you want to! It's not fair!" Then there is the part of me that thinks, none of those things must be THAT great because you're obviously still thinking about me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nicole2009 Posted September 29, 2009 Author Share Posted September 29, 2009 Lavender, Exactly, if your still calling me every single day inquiring about my life, life must not be all that peachy. Its funny, I don't ask one single question. I'm not interested. I want to "talk" but I know that would be detrimental to us reconciling. Waiting, waiting..I'm tired of it. When we got together officially, I waited, and he actually told me that he wanted to be together. For someone who wanted space, hes not taking advantage of it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nicole2009 Posted September 30, 2009 Author Share Posted September 30, 2009 So he called me and asked me if I wanted to come by. G He came and picked me up. We just cuddled, he was extremely affectionate. He took me home the next morning, I went to work. We discussed two trips that we planned to take when we were together. There was no mention of "us" going, but I expected that. He calls later to check up on me....he talks I listen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nicole2009 Posted October 7, 2009 Author Share Posted October 7, 2009 The ex calls every day and texts every day. He initiates all contact at all times, which I like because I do not have the anxiety of waiting to see if hes going to pick up. That in its self can be torture. Most of the time I just listen, there is silence sometimes and I do not try and fill it. I just let it be. He asked me yesterday if I would accompany him to a charity event (he has his own non-profit) I told him that I was not sure, I would let him know tomorrow. He said it would be nice to go. I have seen him, he gave me a ride to work today because my car was in the shop. (We work and live less then 1 mile from each other). The entire way there he talked and talked and wanted me to engage in conversation, I did, just not overly and not what we used to do. He seemed excited to talk and very touchy. He keeps speaking about these trips that we had planned and mentioned when to start saving for them. Question: Do I go to the event? Do I keep on the current path? Am I fooling myself? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lavender25 Posted October 7, 2009 Share Posted October 7, 2009 If reconciliation is your goal then I would say to just go with the flow. However, part of me is screaming that you might want to ask him where this is going. I know that goes against the rules and you might be putting too much pressure on him and whatnot. Everything he is doing looks like good signs, but I would hate for you to think that it is one thing and his mind be in a completely different place. He might be trying to make amends without actually admitting that he made a mistake, but sometimes you just have to man up and come out with it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nicole2009 Posted October 7, 2009 Author Share Posted October 7, 2009 Lavander, Ok, so my thought process is not far out then. So stubborn and prideful. Do I want to be with someone who can not admit to their mistakes and meet me halfway? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lavender25 Posted October 7, 2009 Share Posted October 7, 2009 Lavander, Ok, so my thought process is not far out then. So stubborn and prideful. Do I want to be with someone who can not admit to their mistakes and meet me halfway? I understand completely. I think that I have talked to so many people about this ever since the break up and everyone almost has be convinced that I would be better off without him. If your ex is anything like mine, then he will never admit that he was wrong and that he may have made a mistake. He will never take full responsibility for his actions and is stuck in the mindset that "You can choose how you react to my actions." While that line of thinking is partially true, my thought process is more along the lines of "I wouldn't have to react to anything if you weren't being so inconsiderate of my feelings right now." In all honesty, I don't want to be with my ex right now. Not with how he is acting and the person that he is becoming. He'd have to do a complete 180 for me to take him back and even then I'm not sure that he'd be willing to put in as much work as it would take for our relationship to work again. I never asked for much in our relationship. He couldn't put in that much work before, so why would he now? . It's not realistic to think that he will so that's why I have to disengage. I don't want to rain on your parade, but you might end up coming to these conclusions as well. We deserve more. Trust me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lavender25 Posted October 7, 2009 Share Posted October 7, 2009 If you decide not to ask him about his feelings and you do go to this event, pay attention to how he acts around you around people that you know and how he introduces you. "Hi, this is my friend, Nicole." "Hi, this is my date, Nicole." Hi, this is my girlfriend, Nicole." And then he may not introduce you at all, which tells you everything you need to know. On my first date with my new guy we went to his job which is also a restaurant/bar, and he introduced me to EVERYONE. Things like that matter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nicole2009 Posted October 7, 2009 Author Share Posted October 7, 2009 He's too old for this. Maybe he's looking for the woman that says yes and never carries an opinon. Well I will know by the weekend Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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