Please Help!

[bravebird]

It all sounds like one big game. Aren't you sick of it? Two mature adults suited for a serious relationship would be able to communicate and not resort to playing games. Just my .02

[Nicole2009]

bravebird,

 

We are two mature adults attempting to reconcile.

 

Do you have any advice, because your post seemed like you have something more to say. And maybe you should read the thread first.

[LillyLooWho]

I was speaking to one of my friends today. She is Russian. Russian women are very savvy about manipulating men because women are not considered equal so they learn to manipulate men from when they are young so they can get what they want or need. I'm generalizing but this is what she tells me. Anyway, my American mother didn't teach me much about this topic. I always thought men and women are equal and we should just talk things through and it will all work out. My Russian friends says not so much.

 

So she says it's like economics, supply and demand. If you're in short supply, then there is higher demand. If there is a big supply of you, then less demand. She advocates being mysterious, making the guy jealous, all kinds of things we call "games" in America. But she says they work. It is common practice in her home country to do these things and apparently all the women have great luck with these things. I don't know myself, because I'm still fumbling around with "let's be friends" and thinking good thoughts, etc., etc. Anyway, she says that the men are in charge. They are the heads. But the women are the necks, that move the heads. She's kind of funny but she might be onto something. Just throwing more food for thought into the mix.

[Nicole2009]

lily,

 

I agree!!

 

When he calls me, I dont go off rambling about my day, he asks me and I say " Not much just doing my usual". I keep the conversations short, his ringer is a silent on so I never hear it hence the busy illusion (lol, I really am busy most of the time)

 

He even asked me what I did on Saturday (who cares? I dont care what he did the whole week!) Always updating me on his life, how hes getting a second job and about his kid and the roof of his house, and his best friend (why doesn't he call him and talk about his life?), and asking me about my family and my friends and school. I didn't realize he could talk so much in five minutes, wasting my free minutes. Thats what a GIRLFRIEND is for. Hes trying to use my girlfriend qualities into friend qualities. I need to save those when my real friends need them. I dont want to be his flipping friend! I have enough of those.

 

Whew, I needed to vent that. Sorry.

[coolchick64]

I think you won't know more without seeing him. The next step is to get together and see what he says. I don't see any reason to hold back. He's telling you a lot of positive things. I don't think he's purposely withholding anything/playing games. Look at it from his perspective. He wants to know you're receptive before he says anything else. If I were you, I'd go out with him (alone) and go from there. It's all good!

[LillyLooWho]

Yeah, if it were me (and take my advice with a grain of salt) I would meet up with him, hear what he has to say and if you don't like it, go back to NC if that makes you feel better. It is certainly your decision whether you want to be his friend or not. But maybe he will want to be your b/f again. I think you need to talk in order to find that out.

[EQD]

Only he knows the answer to that. Ask him.

 

 

 

Um... you're aware this is the "Getting Back Together" forum, right?

 

oh yeah... my point still stands. i cant bring myself to give bad or self destructive advice.

to each his own

[bravebird]

my comments are in reference to this post. he keeps saying he misses you and misses you. ok....um...fine? if he knows you will be together, why aren't you together? i'm not trying to poke fun at your situation, but just asking some rudimentary questions that i think put things into focus. and the part about being mature--well the last bolded phrase doesn't really sound like it comes from a kind and mature place. if you omitted the HA!, it wouldn't sound so * * * * * y. it just doesn't sound like the playing field is level between the two of you. take it with a grain of salt. it's just one person's opinion.

[bravebird]

Yeah, if it were me (and take my advice with a grain of salt) I would meet up with him, hear what he has to say and if you don't like it, go back to NC if that makes you feel better. It is certainly your decision whether you want to be his friend or not. But maybe he will want to be your b/f again. I think you need to talk in order to find that out.

 

ha, wow i wrote the grain of salt thing before even reading your post. great minds, eh?

[LillyLooWho]

Yeah great minds! haha

[Nicole2009]

Update!

 

Ok, got back in the country on Tuesday. I called him and asked if we could meet up he said yeah, he call me. He didn't.

Next day he came by my job to see me.

Today (he called me) I was like, you know can we meet up he was like I'll call you. He didn't.

So I called him and was like what up..he said oh I forgot to call you back.

 

And I'm suppossed to go to dinner with this person?

[coolchick64]

uhhhhhhh . . . that's a little nuts. Is it possible he's irritated that you didn't respond to his earlier calls? Am I right that you were unable to respond because of your travels? If so, does he know this?

[Nicole2009]

Update!

 

So, doing some LC here and there with the ex bf.

I think hes confused as to what it means when a relationship ends.

He still expects me to pick up the phone when he calls, and call him back when I say I will. I honestly get wrapped up in other things and forget.

He like "I guess I'm not on the priority list anymore" (duh!) and "When we were in a relationship, you used to pick up the phone all the time" (thats one of the benefits)

 

He called last night, I let him chat for 4 minutes (I've decided thats all the LC he gets) and I tell him I got to go, I really did.

So today he calls me in the morning, complaining about why I didn't call him back last night (What?! from the man who needs his space and time?)

Then he calls this afternoon and this evening. He asks if I have plans to watch the game tomorrow night, I said not as yet, he says well I was thinking that we could go somewhere and watch it tomorrow. I said, Ok.

 

By reading these forums I know that I should just have fun, and not talk about the relationship at all, and just let things flow. Is that right? Any other suggestions or advice? Should I not go? I just don't want to have a setback, but I guess if I don't put myself out there I'll never know, right?

[coolchick64]

Yeah, just go and have fun. See what happens. Treat it like a first date. I'm happy for you! This sounds great.

[Nicole2009]

So I called him to find out what we were doing for the game, he's like oh I was thinking of going to my neighbors house and watching it there, then he listed a few friends that would be there. I was silent because I thought it would be me and him watching the game. I told him that I really did not want to watch the game with all those people plus I'll be the only chick. I said why don't you just watch it at home, he was like how he just figured that he wasn't going to go anywhere because he didn't feel like it. So he says maybe we can do dinner tomorrow night. I said I thought we had plans to watch the game so now your just changing them? He said fine I'll stay home. Then he says, your wearing me out you really are. I said you invited me!!!! I have not done anything to you, he like fine then we stay at the house, and wa.tch the game and we won't do dinner tomorrw. I said fine. So I'm on my way.

[Nicole2009]

Spending time with him was weird. I mean, we spend time with people we are trying to get closer to, so it seems opposite of what he's trying to accomplish.

I hate the fact that he speaks in secret.

He has so much stuff to do and all these things. When we were together he was studying for an important career test and I was there, he wanted me there, now, all this other stuff is trival but he "needs to get a few things off his table". I don't get it

[Nicole2009]

Now he's calling me to ask how to fix his cell phone since he cracked it. That's not my problem

[LillyLooWho]

He seems like he is still dependent on you but at the same time trying to keep you at arms length. I can't figure out what he wants from you, but at this point if you two are talking now and then and you are not hearing what you want from him, plus you are getting more frustrated, then maybe you should try NC again. Just because you aren't doing anything active to get the relationship back doesn't mean you aren't working on it. Just in a different way.

[Nicole2009]

I have no clue what he wants. He complains that I don't pick up the phone when he calls. I just don't get it. Maybe this is his way of figuring it out. I wish he would just say it. When we were hanging out he was holding me on the couch, maybe it's his age.

[Nicole2009]

He asked me to go to the movies today, I went. It was nice.

I don't want to be friends, But I dont want to lose him.

(Sigh)

I miss him. But I feel like speaking and spending time together is false hope.

 

Which is worse, being with him and sad or without and sad?

Do you think its time for NC? or give it more time?

[Lavender25]

He asked me to go to the movies today, I went. It was nice.

I don't want to be friends, But I dont want to lose him.

(Sigh)

I miss him. But I feel like speaking and spending time together is false hope.

 

Which is worse, being with him and sad or without and sad?

Do you think its time for NC? or give it more time?

 

NC most definitely. You deserve respect and he's not giving it to you by playing these games with you.

 

Do you really want to be on the back burner?

[coolchick64]

You naturally have higher expectations for him because you were in a relationship before, but I think it's best to treat this as a new relationship. So, would you go out with him again if you had just met him, based on your dates so far? Has he given you any reason to think he's playing you? If you're enjoying the dates, I don't see the problem. He can't hurt you unless you invest too much in a particular outcome. Just guard your heart a little the way you would with a new guy. I think if reconciliation is what you want and you're not in pain over seeing him, you should give it a little more time.

[mikeca]

I think eventually you'll just have to ask him, direct communication will be key in any even a reconciled relationship, maybe take a few days for yourself and decide what you really want, with no outside influences.

[Nicole2009]

2 months since breakup:

 

Ever since the breakup, every morning there is a text or a phone call.

 

If I see the phone ring I pick up and keep the convo under 6 minutes. Hes always telling me when hes working (he works down the street from me)

Always asking me how I'm doing, what going on with me, hows work, my co-workers. I keep my answers to the following " Fine", "ok" or my favorite , "Thats Special". I ask him no questions, not even the customary "how are you doing", b/c I already know the answer. When he starts talking about his problems, I get off the phone.

He told me I was evil for not forwarding certain info to him. LOL. I replied "thats what being by yourself means, you get to get things yourself"

 

He almost ran me over in the street today, trying to get my attention. Then he wants to borrow headphones (while hes @ work accross the street), then he wants to walk me back to work ( I met him halfway), thats when I said no. I can walk myself, just return the headphones before you leave, he couldn't do that!

 

I've been on a few dates, my social calendar is pretty full. I'm doing o.k. I get sad still.

 

I just miss him. The LC is working, I think I can attempt NC soon. I just couldn't go cold turkey.

[LillyLooWho]

I think the question about NC versus LC is kind of complicated. I think if the ex is not in another relationship, then LC is ok if they are receptive. I mean, if they are the one's initiating contact, then there is something there. What exactly it is is still a mystery. I think when we start to corner the ex and ask what's going on, they don't have an answer, they just know in the gut that they want to be around you in some capacity, so they try to make it clear that they are just interested in being friends. I don't think that is true but it makes them more comfortable to say that than commit at that point. They are uncomfortable with putting a name on it. They want to be close but they are afraid if they come back, they will feel the way they did when they broke up with us. So the LC is tricky because you may need to do it for a long time and not put any pressure on them. And of course no sex. No sex unless they are committed but I wouldn't say it like that. Maybe something like, "we don't go out anymore so I'm not comfortable with that". Of course there is no guarantee this will work, but we all know that by now.

 

The NC is less tricky but really hard to do. You just stop talking to them (not including business talk which is essential if you have kids together or had an apartment, etc.). This is not supposed to be a trick to get them back but I do believe that if they have had you in their life for a long time they will miss you and will notice you aren't there. If this becomes unbearable for them, then they must act. Usually this is just a call to see how you are doing, but it has deeper meaning in my opinion. They are feeling you out to see how much you might let them in your life. If you ignore their actions for awhile and they continue to try to contact you, then it is ok to say "what's going on?" If they are receptive to seeing you or want to hang out, then I think that is ok, but it is a difficult thing for you, the dumpee, to navigate this. At this point you are in LC, like above, and you continue to be friendly and fun and let them initiate, all the while in agony trying to sit tight when you are going out of your mind! This is the part where patience and self control are critical and of course, this is also the part when it is incredibly difficult. A lot of people can't take it and have a meltdown. That is what happened to me. I had the plan to lure him back by being friends, no pressure, not ultra availabe either, then eventually getting closer until he realized he wanted to try again. I couldn't hold my s**t together and so here I am in NC which is for the best for me (I harbor no illusions that we will get back together.) Alternatively if you go NC, they may not contact. If that happens then they do not want you in your life and you need to take this as a sign to just move on. But if they really want something from you, then NC will not change that. Eventually you will hear something. Read some of these posts, they always contact in some way or another.

 

I believe that if the dumper makes baby steps to be in your life and you cautiously allow them to do this in an environment that doesn't feel scary or pressured to them, they will come closer. But how long can you do this? It could take months and then again, it might never move beyond just being friends. It is a lot to ask of yourself to hang in there despite being told he's not interested and can't commit. If you blow that off and say fine whatever, let's just go have a drink or go to a movie, then he feels a little more comfortable around you and moves a little closer.

 

Now if he's with someone new, none of this applies. You can't allow him to have the comfort of you while getting the excitement of someone new. At that point, you quietly go NC, and just try to heal as best you can. If he breaks up with the rebound and contacts you, then you can decide which route to take, NC or LC.

 

Sorry this is so long. I was trying to figure it out in my own mind as I wrote it. Of course you can always tell them to go to h*ll, start NC, and move on. This is probably the healthiest of all the alternatives, but hey, we're only human!