reaper28752 Posted April 18, 2004 Share Posted April 18, 2004 " I know you'll find another slave…" I know you will find Someone else to Do your dirty Work. To sit and tend to your Every need. I gave you my Life on a silver Platter… And you Wanted More. You sat in your Seat made of from my Sweat and Blood dripping from my Temples…. And you want More. I can't refuse so I Must live. I've bled too Much for you all Ready. You keep what you took… My life still lies in Your palm… I can't take it Back. It's there to be your Plaything. That is Why I must Leave. I must give you Up. Though I love you more than The life you hold in your Small hand. My brain can't take it Anymore… My brain is dying with the soul you Hold. I can't stand on my own two Feet anymore. I need support from those near Me. They oblige me with their Hands. They watch me bleed over your Memory. They cry to No end… You were the one that made me what I Am. The sadness you caused with a mere Word will be engraved in my Skin forever… Lying behind what people See… I cut myself to see My blood and see if I see you one last Time to Lick my wounds for the Blood you loved so Much. But I have to Go. I can't stay, bleed, and Cry over your Memory anymore. My blood is Mine. I can't take what I Lost from you… Now I give you that one last Cut and now I have a Future. You won't win. I'll Win this one even if I Don't Want to… Tell me what you think about it. I'm always looking for a way to improve. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ForAnother Posted April 18, 2004 Share Posted April 18, 2004 I like your last few lines... alot... I can't take what I Lost from you… Now I give you that one last Cut and now I have a Future. You won't win. I'll Win this one even if I Don't Want to… the middle is kind of weak... but sometimes when you feel that way, its better to keep it going like that. Add some more imagery. I really liked some of your ideas like Blood dripping from my/ Temples and.. Lick my wounds for the / Blood So I love alot of the imagery, so I would suggest focusing on that. But at the same time, I am just a 17 year old guy. ForAnother Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brtlangst Posted April 19, 2004 Share Posted April 19, 2004 I love it! I've never really seen somebody write poetry like that but it works great for you...but here's the constructive crit. I think that the beginning was a little weak, because you got better and better towards the end. Maybe try to explain a little more in the beginning...but then again it's ur masterpiece and ur feelings so do what you desire to do. Keep up the good work, and I hope that things have worked out of you now. It always helps to express your thoughts through writing. Hope. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
neva_black_n_white Posted April 19, 2004 Share Posted April 19, 2004 i really liked your poem, i dont know what inspired me to post back but mainly because i dont think you should change it, i mean how can you adapt how you felt two years ago those were raw emotions that were felt then and expressed through the poem, if it seems to need alterations only leads for other interpritations. basically, i enjoyed it and how you explained the blood, viewing it, what you wanted to see, gain, and no longer loose. do you believe that your soul is everything? nice work. kel Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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