Contacted him b/c I still loved him. Nervewracking experience

[Batya33]

I do, because he has nothing better to do.

 

Well, my take on it is that he has at least mild interest in reconciling in the future and that the OP is giving him the clear message that she is comfortable keeping this phone convo thing going, and seems to me she is also giving the message that she is not pursuing any other options. So, he knows that if he ever gets enthusiatic about wanting to be with her again there is little risk of her being uninterestd or snapped up by some other guy. I am sure he enjoys the conversations - they are good for his ego, there is no pressure - not even an inquiry - about where they stand so he doesn't have to feel like he is leading his on even if his interest level is vague. He also might want an excuse not to be out there dating again so he can say he is still talking to his ex.

 

But, the OP thinks it would be pushy, still, to inquire about where they stand or what his intentions are and is content to continue to assume that he wouldn't be talking with her unless he was very interested in reconciling. That's the OP's risk to take and her time to spend. I just heard from a friend who waited for years for a proposal from her long term bf - they had broken up/gotten back together, etc - and she finally ended things but now is nearing 40 and concerned about finding love, marriage, having a family, etc. No one is wrong or right here - it's just a balancing of the risks.

 

There is no way I would spend my time on these types of phone calls for this long without a clear discussion about clear intentions, and be content to make assumptions as the OP is doing, but I had different priorities, goals and values than she does - different, not right or wrong. To me mild interest that probably wouldn't get stronger as long as I made myself available like a comfy security blanket would not be enough for me to spend all this time and emotional investment on. But it is worth it to the OP.

[motorgrl]

Things are not always black and white and clear cut.. we are only now starting to sound comfortable on the phone--i am not going to push someone right away after a year of not talking for clear cut answers b/c in my opinion it makes the person feel pressured, closed in etc. Will I allow the talking thing to happen forever? no When I feel like I have been patient enough and if its not brought up yet, then I will bring it up. Reconciling does not always happen so fast the way you think it should. Its not a security blanket either b/c obviously i'm not going to spend my life talking on the phone with him if that is all its going to be and I proved that by spending a year doing my own thing without contacting him and can do it again. Every situation is a little different.

[Batya33]

I agree that things are usually shades of gray. I agree that you shouldn't push him at all - that would be foolish (what I advised has nothing to do with pushing).

 

I agree that reconciliation need not happen fast - I don't agree that it is too fast to have a clear discussion about the purpose of these long conversations over this period of time - there's no reason for you to continue playing these guessing games with yourself, in my humble opinion.

 

I agree that every situation is a little different - nothing in my advice assumed that that wasn't the case. In fact I simply said what I would do and my opinion is that especially at this point you're being dishonest with yourself and taking far too big risks with your emotions by telling yourself that you need not ask him the simple questions "what is the purpose of us talking for all this time?" or "do you see us getting together in person and if so do you have any idea of when that might happen?" or "what are your intentions in getting to know me again?"

 

We of course can disagree on whether that would be too much pressure for him but I will say that if it would be just to ask him those questions now, then it would be pretty clear to me that the only reason a person would feel too pressured or closed in is because he is not that interested in reconciling and would prefer just to have a chat buddy who he knows would be an option to date should he ever find himself wanting to hang out with an attractive, interesting lady. I don't think you want to be that lady.

 

So please don't mistake any of my advice as "black and white" or "everyone's the same" - those are convenient ways of dismissing my input - and it's fine if you disagree with my input - it's your time to spend on this guy, your emotions to invest, your decision to hamper getting to know other men (because my guess is it will as you continue to be focused on this guy) - and none of that is "wrong" - it's your life to do with as you please and your risks to take.

 

All I'm saying is disagreeing is one thing but dismissing it as "everyone's different' just points out to me that what I have to say is what you don't want to hear, because it's easier to go along chatting away on the phone with your ex and telling yourself that he just wants to take things slow (because to you to even ask a direct question will suffocate him) and will want to reconcile or he wouldn't be talking with you on the phoen - than it is to at least consider whether there is something you can do to lessen the risk of this being a dead end and probably far more hurtful to you than the original breakup.

 

Again just my humble opinion - not about right or wrong, that's for sure.

[motorgrl]

i agree...if something isn't brought up soon then i will have to and then i can also have the fact that i have been patient since we have been talking on my side as well and won't have to regret if i pushed too hard too fast...but i know that eventually this will have to be out in the open soon..hoping for the best...

[Batya33]

i agree...if something isn't brought up soon then i will have to and then i can also have the fact that i have been patient since we have been talking on my side as well and won't have to regret if i pushed too hard too fast...but i know that eventually this will have to be out in the open soon..hoping for the best...

 

I agree and I wouldn't even think of it in terms of "pushing" - you're just asking for him to express where his head is at, that's all - you're not asking him to make any decisions. I wouldn't even mention to him that you've been patient - or say it with any apology. If he asks why you're bringing it up now I would simply explain that while you enjoy the conversations, at some point you're going to be emotionally invested and you don't want to go there unless you're on the same wavelength.

 

Good luck.

[motorgrl]

that is a very good response to say if he does say that..hopefully things work out...we shall see

[loulee]

Hi there I just read your update..your extended calls etc...Sometimes we have to trust our own judgement..I believe all situations can and are a little different there are no fast and hard rules, timing can be critical as can contact and how often in the initial stages.... fears can be also very different for one person than they are for another...while you may actually fear scaring him off, you have decided to go at his pace without pressure. this is your decision to make. and while he may fear getting back together or may have doubts..then perhaps your extended phone convos are a positive thing in helping him to alleviate his fears also...time will tell on this one please keep us updated...xx

[motorgrl]

well i asked him about meeting and he said ok and he said he was tossing that back and forth and i said in your head? (b/c i was thinking you weren't really hinting at it) Was that weird i asked that btw? lol

 

He said yeah in his mind and he said sounds like that was hard for you to say and I said well b/c you weren't mentioning it. And he mentioned my stuff and thats when i asked you just want to give me back my stuff? and he said noo, that probably came out wrong..and i joked saying im getting a migrane...and he said we will pick a day next time.

 

im wondering with him saying he was tossing it back and forth in his mind---did he mean like if it was a good idea at all? or just how to ask me etc?

 

but im guessing its good he agreed

[Batya33]

I think it's positive that he agreed and I think you have to let him do the follow up as far as picking a time and place - ball is in his court, especially since he doesn't seem too excited or enthusiastic about getting together. I don't think he was trying to figure out how to ask you or he would have told you immediately "I was going to ask you and you beat me to it" - or something like that - he would want you to know that he felt the same way about getting together. I don't think it's positive that he mentioned returning your things but I wouldn't put much weight on it because it sounds more like something that slipped out.

[motorgrl]

well the last convo we had, nothing was brought up about meeting but we were also discussing some serious things though--like possible layoffs off from his job, my job etc so i almost felt like well maybe we don't need to be conerned with talking about meeting that night...he called me again two days later to ask me how work was going etc and it wasn't a long convo but before we got off the phone i said so when do you want to talk about meeting? and he said well this weekend he can't(family members b-day which i knew was happening and said i sort of figured that ) and he said it would have to be sometime during the week or another weekend b/c next weekend is the first weekend of hunting and its a pretty big weekend for that and he wants to go to it..so i just said ok thats cool

 

it kind of sucks that seems to be the bigger priority but it seems to be something he enjoys and that is the biggest weekend when its just starting..not sure if i should be annoyed or understanding b/c he did say during the week or another weekend leaving room for compromise..i would prefer to see him on a saturday for the sake of being able to feel a little more relaxed and not be at work all day especially if its stressful, i will feel more rushed to get ready or to just feel good to go out and look my best etc...but that means we won't be meeting til after thanksgiving if i wait for a weekend...maybe i shouldn't jump to see him during the week just because he is busy these next 2 weekends or get it overwith and see him during the week when he it brings up?..definitely not bringing this up again, its on him now.

[Maya_A]

motorgrl,

 

I've been following this thread & I have always thought it was a positive thing that you didn't "push" on this from the get-go & gave him his space around your re-connection in communication.

 

Though, at this stage it does seem as though he is hesitant to want to meet up. And I agree with Batya that he was tossing around the idea of even meeting up period, not how he was going to ask you. If the latter as Batya said, he had the perfect opportunity to ask you when you, yourself brought it up.

 

A "heads up" to at least consider. That is, what "meeting up" means to him versus what it means to you. Meeting up to him might simply mean being friends & getting together in that vein. I don't know of course, but it may. And to you, it has more romantic overtones.

 

There is something in all of this that is making him hesitant & uncomfortable, in terms of meeting up with you. He is not acting like someone particularly interested or eager in doing so.

 

Wishing the best for you in all of this....

[Maya_A]

.i would prefer to see him on a saturday for the sake of being able to feel a little more relaxed and not be at work all day especially if its stressful, i will feel more rushed to get ready or to just feel good to go out and look my best etc...but that means we won't be meeting til after thanksgiving if i wait for a weekend...maybe i shouldn't jump to see him during the week just because he is busy these next 2 weekends or get it overwith and see him during the week when he it brings up?

 

If it were me, I'd meet up when it was most comfortable for me, which a wknd. seems for you. I think it's healthy for you to take care of yourself that way, just as he is doing in deciding for his own self when it is most convenient for him to possibly meet up with you.

 

I also think it gives you a little 'control' in this, back. And I don't mean control in a "taste of his own medicine" or negative kind of way at all. I mean it in terms of one's own self love and respect, and dignity. You are not simply "jumping" while he calls the shots in every way, you would both equally be getting together when it truly suits.

 

I think your inner self & confidence would benefit most in this way, and you would have a more independent vs. attached/very emotional energy around this. It can help make how you feel when you are actually with him, different also. Less vulnerable, more strong inwardly.

[Batya33]

I agree completely with Maya although if it were me given the months you've been "talking" and his knowledge all along that you were very interested in meeting, interested in getting back together, I would find his hesitancy answer enough and move on. I might - but not necessarily - tell him exactly why but not as an ultimatum - just as (to paraphrase Maya) "I love our conversations but I need to take care of me and it sounds from your response that your meeting up with me is not as much of a priority as it should be if you were really interested in exploring the potential of getting back together, so I think it's better if we not talk for awhile so I can move on. If you change your mind and want to meet up you can contact me and if I am still interested and available I will consider it".

 

Alternatively, his nonchalant attitude might mean, again agreeing with Maya, that he sees meeting up as two buddies who've been talking by phone meeting just to catch up in person so that would explain why it's not a priority.

 

Of course you can ask him why it's not a priority (and I think you should because after two months of talking, aren't you entitled to know his intentions about meeting up?) but my guess is you won't. Also consider that if he were serious about exploring reconciliation he likely would want to meet up soon since the holidays are comiing and he would want to know whether you two were going to be together for them as far as planning, family time, etc. Just an added thought.

 

I am sorry to be negative on this - I actually am not surprised at his attitude because I think he's been consistent all along with his lukewarm level of interest in doing more than talking to an ex and having the comfort of daily conversations with someone who cares and knows you - without needing to put in any effort to progress - you established this pattern over the last few months and he accepted it so he likely would be surprised now if you questioned his level of interest - but as Maya said, you need to take care of oyu.

[motorgrl]

I really don't think he is going in this to just catch up with a "buddy"..he knows its not going to happen, it would just end b/c i can't be friends with him, he already knows this by me not allowing that for a year. So it kind of makes no sense just in general for someone to do all of this to just be a "buddy" and i even directly asked you just want to give me back my stuff? and he said no.

 

I definitely agree the holidays are coming and it would be nice to spend some time with him..but i even knew even if we started dating a month ago, we probably wouldn't do the family thing again just yet b/c it still seems a little too soon even for me.

[Batya33]

Why after all this time are you still operating under assumptions and guesswork rather than asking him? I agree he doesn't just want to give you back your stuff - but that doesn't mean he is interested in exploring getting back together - and if he is it is lukewarm interest. Lukewarm interest is not going to cut it because as you probably agree, getting back together requires a 100% commitment to the effort and work - maybe even 110% - there's a time commitment, an emotional commitment, a commitment to spend time in person and communicating about how to avoid the past mistakes, past issues or resolve them, and you know all of this. My sense is that even if it's not just buddies catching up, he is at best wishy washy about getting together, he'll do it if he's not hunting, if there's no family in town, if he doesn't have to fold his laundry and he might even treat it as a romantic date where you'll have fun flirting, reminiscing, maybe hugging/kissing/cuddling or whatever but this is not a man who is enthusiastic about getting back together - and to settle for less is setting yourself up for heartbreak. He might see you, he'll look all cute, you'll flirt, you might go for a romantic dinner - and you will be putting your heart even more on the line than it is now (and I know you have been with your thoughts about what it will be like to be back together if he lives with his parents, etc) - because you'll see him in person, you;ll make eye contact, you;ll be even more jello like than you are now.

 

Please don't do that to yourself unless he says unmistakably something like "I can't WAIT to see you again - let's plan for one week from Saturday, I'll pick you up at 7, I don't care if we just hang out and talk, go to dinner, or whatever, I'm REALLY looking forward to seeing you again, whatever our future holds". If it's not at or above that level, please take care of you and don't see him. You've been doing this talking thing for months now - and getting more and more attached - and falling into that comfort zone of telling yourself that you're making progress, that you're working on reconciling and I bet that part of it is so that you don't have to feel "alone" (in quotes because of course you're not alone) so that you don't have to put in the effort to meet someone new.

 

I am not saying it has to be like when my husband and I got back together - or like anyone else's particular story - but at this point I do believe strongly that the level of enthusiasm has to be unmistakable even if it is hedged with "look who knows what will happen, all I know is I can't wait to see you, to get to know you again in person, to see if something can work". When my husband and i reconciled after 8 years apart, we had three platonic meetings - none of which were supposed to be to get back together (at least it wasn't spoken about but there were sparks) - we spoke by phone and emailed in between a few times.

 

On the third time he said, at 2am after we'd been talking for 3 hours at his place "so, do you want to try again" - I started to cry (very emotional for me!) and he said "look I have to go out of town so why don't we plan to see each other two weeks from today and we can both think about it during that time".

 

A week later it was my birthday and he sent gorgeous roses. A week after that we had our first real "date" which lasted about 48 hours (it was supposed to last 3). And then we decided to be exclusive. We couldn't take things slower because we were going to be long distance, but because of how serious the commitment was - we knew if we got back together it would be because this time we wanted forever, badly - we both had to go into it with 100% commitment. Don't you feel the same about your situation - otherwise, why bother with all this talking?

 

No it doesn't have to work like that, nothing is black and white but I would be very surprised if anyone here or anyone you know would advise you to meet up with Mr. "um, I have hunting, um I am busy, um, maybe in a week or so" given how much you want to be with him. Please take care of you - he is obviously taking care of him, right?

[malibuanpine]

Any updates? Batya, at first I thought you were being a bit too harsh...but after your last post I totally see where you were coming from and I agree. This guy is probably wondering if she hasn't spoken to me in a year and now all of a sudden she calls me and we're talking it means that I was on her mind for the whole year...she never really got over me...so I can be lukewarm with her and keep her on a little string.

 

But has there been any update?