Maya_A Posted September 18, 2009 Share Posted September 18, 2009 Nice that he called. Continued good luck with it... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
motorgrl Posted September 18, 2009 Author Share Posted September 18, 2009 i decided to give him a call since he called me last and mentioned last week i can call him..we spoke for awhile, almost 2 hours..but still no mention of meeting up and it turns out this weekend and next weekend he is actually pretty busy so i don't even know when we will meet...at this rate it will be another 2 weeks... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maya_A Posted September 18, 2009 Share Posted September 18, 2009 Motorgrl, I'm in a huge rush right now so I hope my reply makes sense... I think you need to be really careful of making an error here. You mentioned you had no expectations. You seem sad that it may be another two weeks... To me, him giving you two hours on the phone is great.... As others have been saying, it's important for you to just try your best to "go with the flow".... Two weeks won't make a dif. at all in the grand scheme of things if you two were to get back together... Again, try to let go of those expectations... Feel good that you had a nice two hr. conversation. Let this all move as slowly as it needs to... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
motorgrl Posted September 18, 2009 Author Share Posted September 18, 2009 i agree with u completely..i don't really mind taking it slow and i am very happy we are talking at this point..i really didn't think this would happen..but i guess its the anticipation of us getting back together and hoping this is where its leading...i really don't think he would spend 2 hours me with on the phone and basically over an hour each other time if he wasn't interested in heading in that direction..and then the fact we don't speak for a few days(which is fine, i don't expect us to be talking every night suddenly)..it makes me think well i hope i am not getting strung along while he is dating someone else...but i think that might be just me being a little too worried going with the flow is definitely how i am approaching him..i dont ask when we will talk again or anything we just say goodnight to each other..im enjoying talkign to him again and hearing his voice etc etc..i hope he is feeling the same..it sounds like he still has some feelings but is making sure to take it slow a close friend is the one who kind of said she doesnt understand completely why it would take him so long to even meet you for a drink--which is why she thinks he could be seeing someone else..she thinks he could be a little more excited about meeting but she was like maybe he is putting on that tough guy act and also thinks the fact he is taking the time to talk to u for a long period of time is a good sign..she also thinks the bigger part is him being unsure and just taking it slow rather than him dating someone right now Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted September 19, 2009 Share Posted September 19, 2009 Do you wonder why he is not telling you directly how he feels - whether he wants to take it slow, has no idea whether he even wants to meet with you again - whatever the feelings are? I understand we disagree on whether you should ask him how he feels (you presume that that would be pushy, I think it depends how you ask) but I wonder why he is speaking to you for hours at a time and not telling you where he stands which would require maybe one complete sentence, if that, within the two hour phone conversation. Why in the world would he want to keep you guessing if he saw strong potential - and risk, by keeping you guessing, that you would move on. I am not saying he doesn't want to get back together ever but I would watch the feet -the actions he does towards that goal, rather than the lips - how long he is willng to chat on the phone. I understand he said you could call him and that's a nice offer but I think taking him up on it as you have done now a few times in a short time period is a mistake - short term it gives you reassurance by hearing his voice, long term it doesn't let him come to you in his own way, on his own time. And since he didn't ask you to call him at a specific time, just said you could, not calling woudn't be wrong or "not nice" or playing games. In fact, it would be nice because it would let him experience this time without you and see what life is like without you now that you are somewhat back on his radar. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
motorgrl Posted September 19, 2009 Author Share Posted September 19, 2009 I guess for now my gut is saying to play it safe for awhile and just enjoy the conversations we are having...i don't think he is going to go back on his word...he said we'll exchange some calls and then meet. I am thinking even if it happens two weeks from now, that is ok..if it takes longer than that I am probably going to have to confront it. He is also not one to express feelings very well and for him to even say we will exchange calls and meet was almost a big thing for me because i didn't ask him for that at all, he came right out and said it. So for now, I will just enjoy this time...but you are right, i will have to confront it if nothing progresses b/c it is making me wonder and guessing which isn't good...But from what i know of him, i just dont get why he even would spend that time on the phone and that length if it wasn't going to lead to something else eventually. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cranberrymuffin Posted September 19, 2009 Share Posted September 19, 2009 but I wonder why he is speaking to you for hours at a time and not telling you where he stands which would require maybe one complete sentence, if that, within the two hour phone conversation. Because maybe he isn't sure how he feels yet. It could make perfect sense. Maybe he wants to ease back into communication and see how that feels before taking the plunge of the bigger step in meeting up face to face. Maybe he is seeing someone else, who knows? But maybe he is simply taking the time to see how things feel between OP and himself. I can't see him spending 2 hours on the phone if he wasn't at least thinking about things. Thinking doesn't necessarily mean he will want to get back into something romantic, it is just thinking. But two hours is a very, very long time to chat, particularly with an ex, and it not being the first phone call in a long while but one of a few. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
motorgrl Posted September 19, 2009 Author Share Posted September 19, 2009 Hey cranberry, i think that is what he is thinking too--he wants to ease back into communication after a year of being apart, see how we talk to one another etc before meeting face to face. He also could be seeing someone else although i am hoping that is not the case and it doesnt seem like it may be the case but who knows. I think two hours is a long time to spend on the phone and every other time was atleast an hour or 45-50 minutes..i just think its a lot if you arent considering things, what's the point? why waste your own time and the other person's. He was actually sleeping when i called even though it wasn't that late and i asked him if he wanted to go back to sleep and he said its ok and then we spoke for 2 hours so it was nice. He could have ignored the call or just hung up after 20 minutes. So i think that is why I just want to play it safe for awhile and enjoy this time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maya_A Posted September 19, 2009 Share Posted September 19, 2009 .he said we'll exchange some calls and then meet. So that seems to be exactly what he is doing. Why stress about it? going with the flow is definitely how i am approaching him..i dont ask when we will talk again I mean going with the flow in your own mind... That would be an important step in this for you... a close friend is the one who kind of said she doesnt understand completely why it would take him so long to even meet you for a drink--which is why she thinks he could be seeing someone else..she thinks he could be a little more excited about meeting but she was like maybe he is putting on that tough guy act and also thinks the fact he is taking the time to talk to u for a long period of time is a good sign..she also thinks the bigger part is him being unsure and just taking it slow rather than him dating someone right now That's the thing. It's time to quit analyzing it and discussing it with others. He has his reasons for waiting to meet that nobody knows nor should anyone assume they are one thing or another. Our assumptions are so often wrong. If you have to think something, I say give him the benefit of the that he is simply taking reflection time & taking it very slowly. He's connecting with you quite regularly for long periods of time each time, so again just try not to analyze it or worry about time lines, etc. If you want to give yourself peace & want to really learn and grow within your own self, focusing on other things can help with this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
motorgrl Posted September 19, 2009 Author Share Posted September 19, 2009 you are right..i think he said that and meant it..its not like i forced that out of him..so i should give him the benefit of the doubt as well about him seeing someone else...a big part doesnt really think he is, i was just getting a little worried b/c it is possible you know i feel happy when i am on the phone with him and i think he is unsure but glad we are talking as well. And knowing he could end the conversations alot quicker and he doesnt makes me feel a little good about things.... it is hard to keep busy at times, been working out alot more, during a break from work sometimes i stop by a church and say some prayers to kind of keep my mind at ease and at peace. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted September 19, 2009 Share Posted September 19, 2009 Because maybe he isn't sure how he feels yet. It could make perfect sense. Maybe he wants to ease back into communication and see how that feels before taking the plunge of the bigger step in meeting up face to face. Maybe he is seeing someone else, who knows? But maybe he is simply taking the time to see how things feel between OP and himself. I can't see him spending 2 hours on the phone if he wasn't at least thinking about things. Thinking doesn't necessarily mean he will want to get back into something romantic, it is just thinking. But two hours is a very, very long time to chat, particularly with an ex, and it not being the first phone call in a long while but one of a few. Yes, it is a very long time to chat but since there is no action towards seeing her then I look at it as more of a negative - he is comfortable to chat for long periods of time but doesn't want to put in the effort to push his comfort zone or doesn't want to see her badly enough such that talking is enough (and the more she lets him talk to her for hours, the less incentive he will have to put in the effort). What I meant by explaining his feelings is even to say "I want you to know tht I am confused but I do have serious intentions towards you" (or something to the effect of that, while he is still figuring out things, his underlying motivation for talking is serious). I don't think a man who wanted a woman to continue to work towards a possible reconciliation would risk being silent and hope that she "guessed" that his chatting with her meant one thing or another. Time and again I have seen people use the phone or the computer for hours at a time as a way to avoid moving forward in a relationship especially where the situation - as here - calls for face to face communication and spending time together -- and they avoid it either because they are not that interested in that goal (but like the security blanket cuddly feeling of chatting with someone who is clearly interested in them even though their interest is not as strong) or because they want to tell themselves that they are taking steps toward the goal and in that way avoid having to be out there dating/moving on -- to avoid being alone for example. I don't think he is lying that he wants to meet eventually but his interest in doing that is far lower than the OPs and more chatting/talking is probably going to decrease his interest especially if it is the OP who continues to do more of the calling and especially if she makes herself avalable for hours -- now he knows based on her behavior that she is available to him to chat for hours whether or not he makes a plan to meet (even a plan weeks in advance would be something). My sense is he might be pursuing another lady and by only talking, he can honestly see himself as totally free to do so, without having to tell the lady in question that his ex is still in the picture. Then, if it doesn't work out with the other lady, he knows he has the OP waiting in the wings. That kind of dynamic sets a not great tone for a potential relationship. And even if there is no other lady, if he asks to meet he knows that he has no risk of losing the OP-- she is willng to chat for hours in the middle of the night. My advice is not to play games but to be the kind of person (and fake it till you make it) who doesn't need to hear his voice for reassurance, in favor of the more important goal of letting him realize what a prize he almost lost and that risking that loss again would be idiotic. He won't realize this if the OP is this available (and I mean this available - this degree) to chat and he won't have much of an incentive to reaffirm that he has serious intentions towards this potential reconciliation. Obviously you could be right - this is a matter of opinion - but I have a strong opinion when it comes to behavior between exes in this situation based on lots of life experience, direct and indirect (still not saying I am right, just explaining my mindset). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cranberrymuffin Posted September 19, 2009 Share Posted September 19, 2009 Yes, Batya, agreed it is matter of opinion. He may not be playing games at all but just unsure himself . I think that is fair. And how can he give reassurance when he, himself does not know? We all have the right to take time and decide what is we would like, particularly when it comes to something so dear and emotional such as a romantic relationship. And it is OP that placed herself back into his life unexpectedly. I think he is doing great in staying in touch with her regularly and for so long. I won't say anymore on it as I've read your same opinion on it many times in this same thread. I mean that factually not negatively. So I won't keep repeating mine, either. Cheers Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
motorgrl Posted September 19, 2009 Author Share Posted September 19, 2009 i really don't see it as a negative..yes i am being available to talk twice a week but what are we supposed to do after a year of being apart? have one conversation and hang out in person to talk and then just start dating again.. i am calling him as much as he is calling me so there are no games being played...i knew i was going to do this for a long time..he didn't..this kind of took him by surprise and its not really a switch to turn on so quickly..i really think me taking charge and saying we have been talking here and there and now i think its time you make up your mind and call me when you decide to do it...i don't think that sort of attitude no matter how nice i say it is going to be such a great thing to him if he is unsure himself, what is wrong with having some coversations about what's been going on and even some memories we had in the past..its not like i am talking to him every night. why is he ultimately chatting with me a few times a week for then--to be friends? i think that is unlikely because he knows that isnt my intention and knows i won't be sticking around if that is what he wants. I have proven that by going a year without talking to him I think we have proven we can be alone and without each other because we did it for a year--how do we go from that much time apart to just suddenly spending time together face to face..he even seems a little more open and nice in his convos now like he is a little more comfortable with the idea..it would have been awkward to suddenly go from nothing to semi dating again i do think it is possible--maybe he is seeing someone else but a bigger part doesnt think so...when we speak it seems like i am the last call of the night, he said in our first convo whoever he went out with it wasn't anything serious which is what he wanted with them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted September 19, 2009 Share Posted September 19, 2009 If you read my posts I didn't suggest that he definitely just wants to be friends, nor did I suggest that he start dating you again. Just to summarize (I'll try) - here's my opnion 1. If you have to keep guessing/speculating/interpreting as you have been (read your own posts to see how often you try to analyze what he is thinking) that's not a good sign. I don't think he needs to reassure you but I do think if he really saw potential here rather than just a slight possibility he would at least tell you both that he is unsure what he wants and tell you what specific things he is doing to work on that (whether that's counseling, talking to a friend, reading a book, going to the gym, whatever). He would want you to know his state of mind and would want to verbalize exactly what his intentions are so that he lessens the risk that you will tire of waiting. Think about it - you told him exactly what you wanted in the first conversation, why you wanted it and what you were doing to insure that the problems you had in the past wouldn't be there again - if you could do that why can't he after all these convos? even if it is to say "I am unsure about my feelings but here is what I am doing to work on it..." 2. If he saw serious potential he would want to see you face to face by now -- you were bf/gf so seeing each other face to face is a big part of your interaction and at this point my opinon is that he (and maybe you) are hiding behind the security blanket that is the phone or, alternatively, he is not that interested in pursuing this (just minor interest) so he doesn't want to put in the effort to see you and risk leading you on. On the leading on point, since you continue to reach out to him he might be reluctant to see you as far as the risk of leading on -- where if you gave him more space and showed him through your actions that if he wants to talk with you more he has to see you in person, that might motivate him more. I don't buy the "too busy" excuse as far as weekends - if he wanted to see you he would make the time (as would you). 3. I think you're interpreting how much you are in contact with him through the lens of your insecurities. When I am insecure and I realize that is true, I assume that what I see as not too much contact is too much contact and I (in the past) have divided the amount of contact in half (or less than half) so that I account for the insecurities. From my perspective and given your goal of getting back together, your level of contact with him is more sabotaging than helpful and you are rationalizing the level of contact because you need to hear his voice (since you are playing so many guessing games as to what he must be thinking/feeling, hearing his voice and tone makes you feel better, I can relate). If you take that "need" out of the equation and have a bit of a thicker skin, you'll see, I think that reaching your goal requires more restraint on your part. My summary was very long winded - sorry. I hope that you won't continue to interpret my input as extremes "she thinks he has no interest in me" "she told me never to contact him" "she told me he has to tell me that he wants to see me right now" -- it's easy to dismiss someone's input by interpreting it in extremes - but that would be a misinterpretation. Of course I am not saying I am right (nor am I saying that this can happen only one way - another misinterpretation) -- just giving my opinion and trying to clarify since it has been misinterpreted (perhaps because I wasn't clear enough, but I don't think so....) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
motorgrl Posted September 19, 2009 Author Share Posted September 19, 2009 I understand your opinion but why would we need to rush into seeing each other to prove we are going to get back together? Also, i think i mentioned before he isn't the type to verbalize his feelings..he already did say he was unsure and then said we would need to start over and we will exchange some calls and then meet. He said it himself about what his plans are and its only been about 2 convo's since then...if a month goes by or longer then i have reason to confront him on this and ask what is going on. Until then, I think it is better to be patient and just get reacquainted with each other a little bit. There is no security blanket here--we went a year without talking to each and i'm sure we can do it again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted September 19, 2009 Share Posted September 19, 2009 I understand your opinion but why would we need to rush into seeing each other to prove we are going to get back together? Also, i think i mentioned before he isn't the type to verbalize his feelings..he already did say he was unsure and then said we would need to start over and we will exchange some calls and then meet. He said it himself about what his plans are and its only been about 2 convo's since then...if a month goes by or longer then i have reason to confront him on this and ask what is going on. Until then, I think it is better to be patient and just get reacquainted with each other a little bit. There is no security blanket here--we went a year without talking to each and i'm sure we can do it again. Sounds good. We can disagree (I agree you shouldn't rush into anything!) but I do wish you the best of luck with whatever approach you choose. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
motorgrl Posted September 21, 2009 Author Share Posted September 21, 2009 he called last night which was nice..i was tempted to call tonight but i guess it couldn't hurt to wait a day or so. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
loulee Posted October 9, 2009 Share Posted October 9, 2009 I would love to hear your update on the possible reconciliation so how are things going?? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
motorgrl Posted October 17, 2009 Author Share Posted October 17, 2009 hey loulee, we are still having our 1 hr, 45 minute convo's..he seems to be more comfortable on the phone..we were nice when we first started talking but it seems to just be a little better on the phone the past couple of weeks. He was even downstairs on the phone with me and I think his mother wasn't too far away, in the other room...she may not have even known it was me he was talking to but i saw it as a positive that he wasn't being super private about us talking. I don't know what is prolonging the meeting and i don't want to push him b/c i would say its only been a few weeks of us actually being at a more comfortable level...but i don't see why a person would bother talking to someone again on the phone for a long period of time if it was all for nothing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted October 17, 2009 Share Posted October 17, 2009 It sounds like you don't want opinons on the last sentence. I was wondering about the update too. Sounds like you are enjoying the phone conversations. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gsxr104 Posted October 17, 2009 Share Posted October 17, 2009 I totally agree with Maya ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
waveseer Posted October 17, 2009 Share Posted October 17, 2009 I do, because he has nothing better to do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
motorgrl Posted October 17, 2009 Author Share Posted October 17, 2009 he has a life, he has other things he can be doing and probably other people to talk to if he wanted to Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
waveseer Posted October 17, 2009 Share Posted October 17, 2009 he has a life, he has other things he can be doing and probably other people to talk to if he wanted to What I failed to realize for a long time, and I've seen it over and over again here on ena, is that the ex will often "entertain" us because it feeds their ego all the while having no intention of ever being together with us again. If the communication lines are open and he is choosing not to come closer, there's a reason. Does it really matter what that reason is if you have no control over it and cannot influence it in any way? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
motorgrl Posted October 17, 2009 Author Share Posted October 17, 2009 i would have say that we are closer..we seem closer now than we did a month ago Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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