motorgrl Posted September 9, 2009 Author Share Posted September 9, 2009 i understand your point but i think its a little too much...i am not in his face talking to him and showing neediness and im not trying to get him to miss me by talking to him on the phone...i'm not pushing anything..obviously if nothing happens in a given amount of time i am not going to be just friends with him..he already knows this..and he is also not the type to express himself verbally by saying all those things you mentioned..he wants to make sure things will be different and is taking it slow..i can see he is on guard with his feelings...and i dont blame him for not asking me on a date so quickly if he needs time to feel like things can be different and just to kind of reconnect on the phone for a bit Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 i understand your point but i think its a little too much...i am not in his face talking to him and showing neediness and im not trying to get him to miss me by talking to him on the phone...i'm not pushing anything..obviously if nothing happens in a given amount of time i am not going to be just friends with him..he already knows this..and he is also not the type to express himself verbally by saying all those things you mentioned..he wants to make sure things will be different and is taking it slow..i can see he is on guard with his feelings...and i dont blame him for not asking me on a date so quickly if he needs time to feel like things can be different and just to kind of reconnect on the phone for a bit I don't think you read what I wrote (which is fine, it was long!). You need to do what you need to do, of course, I was just suggesting that you take a different approach and give less priority to your need to be in this kind of contact with him and more priority to the long term which means showing some restraint now. I know you don't mean to be in his face and needy but I can tell you, even though I don't know you or him, that that is the strong impression you are giving him and that you are sabotaging any real chance at reconciliation by being unwilling to set different boundaries and act with more restraint - very difficult to do with strong feelings, I know, but if you can manage it, it reaps far more rewards than your approach (either increases the chance at reconciliation or even if not, decreases your emotional risks and time investment). No problem at all if I end up being "wrong" -- and of course it's your risk to get reattached and waste time that could be spent moving on and potentially being ready to meet someone else down the line. I was just suggesting ways to decrease that risk but it's your risk to take. I also would suggest that you not be "friends" with him unless you would be fine seeing him with another woman and unless you have decided you don't want to be in another serious relationship for quite awhile. Oh and I don't think he's a bad guy - he's just not on the same page as you are and he's being very careful to be honest with you about his ambivalence/lukewarm feelings about being in touch so that he doesn't lead you to believe that he is strongly considering a reconciliation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
motorgrl Posted September 9, 2009 Author Share Posted September 9, 2009 i think after two convos and me talking to him and setting these boundaries like i am taking charge and control of the situation and telling him get back in touch only when you want to get back together---it is only going to push him further away...he already knows i won't be friends with him and i won't keep in touch just to be nice so ultimately i wouldn't be around if down the line nothing is happening.. reconciliation isn't that easy and doesn't always happen in one way Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 i think after two convos and me talking to him and setting these boundaries like i am taking charge and control of the situation and telling him get back in touch only when you want to get back together---it is only going to push him further away...he already knows i won't be friends with him and i won't keep in touch just to be nice so ultimately i wouldn't be around if down the line nothing is happening.. reconciliation isn't that easy and doesn't always happen in one way Never said it was easy or that it happened in only one way. My opinion is that your way is likely to be ineffective and hurt you a great deal more than if you took a different approach. But, you need to do what you think is best. Seems to me you're making lots of assumptions about what he thinks about your contacting him and chatting with him and it's a bit curious that you're not willing to be direct with him and tell him that you will only be in touch if his goal is to get back together - not "I'm not just in touch to be nice" but an affirmative message as to specifically why you're in touch. If you're concerned that even that would push him away, then I question even more his interest level in reconciling. (and if you read my posts I suggested alternatives to him only calling if he was sure he wanted to get back together-- also, I think he will respect you a great deal for setting those boundaries that I suggested and get him to focus on what life would be like without you going forward but again, you need to do what you can handle) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
motorgrl Posted September 9, 2009 Author Share Posted September 9, 2009 i agree with you--but he knows my feelings already and that i don't want to be friends...and that is why i think he is contacting me for the possibility of a slow reconcilation..he knows i'm not doing this for any other reason and i wouldn't continue being in touch with him if thats all this is...so maybe its better to be a little patient for now than to set down ground rules. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 i agree with you--but he knows my feelings already and that i don't want to be friends...and that is why i think he is contacting me for the possibility of a slow reconcilation..he knows i'm not doing this for any other reason and i wouldn't continue being in touch with him if thats all this is...so maybe its better to be a little patient for now than to set down ground rules. And I think you can (and should) do both - be patient but where both of you know the ground rules clearly. Slow is fine when the intentions are 100% clear to both people. If he "knows" then why would he mind you clarifying and confirming? I think it would increase his respect in you that you want to make sure you're not wasting your precious time in chatting with him. And I thought you contacted him and he then called you once (and doesn't want to promise when he'll contact you again because he's not sure when that will be). I can see him not knowing the specific time he can call you but wouldn't you, given your interest level, be able to commit (barring emergencies) to a time when you would be available to talk again? The fact that you're willing to play these guessing games as to his motives speaks volumes about your belief in what you're worth and your level of security that he has the intention to see if you should get back together. And my humble opinion is that that is the impression you will give him if you keep making yourself available for these chats -- he may enjoy talking to you, he may ponder whether he wants to ask you out again -- but he will have little incentive to put in the effort (because you're willing to be available to chat with no specific intentions on his part). Also, even if he starts asking you out again, he will not respect you as much as if you asserted what I think are reasonable boundaries (whether it's confirming what you guess are his beliefs/intentions or whether you tell him not to call you until he's ready to date again with potential for a serious relationship). I can relate to how hard it is to set boundaries and be assertive -- and how it seems to make more sense to be "patient" - which in this case is more passive -- there are risks in both approaches but the risk of pushing someone away because you ask him to clarify his intentions is not really a risk - because then you learn all you need to know about his intentions towards you without wasting more time and investing more of your heart. If you lose that person because of that well, to me that's a great result. But we can disagree, of course. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
motorgrl Posted September 9, 2009 Author Share Posted September 9, 2009 ok boundaries are fine and a great way to say im not taking any c*ap..but given the fact we just started talking, i'm not ready to push these boundaries on him when its already a sensitive issue and it doesnt look like it would lead to anything positive by being pushy and assertive for no reason at this point. Its nice that we are just talking right now...i can ask about the intentions soon enough because it will all come out sooner or later and by then we will be a little more comfortable talking again Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 ok boundaries are fine and a great way to say im not taking any c*ap..but given the fact we just started talking, i'm not ready to push these boundaries on him when its already a sensitive issue and it doesnt look like it would lead to anything positive by being pushy and assertive for no reason at this point. Its nice that we are just talking right now...i can ask about the intentions soon enough because it will all come out sooner or later and by then we will be a little more comfortable talking again Again it's up to you. Just to clarify I could not agree more that you should not be pushy or tell him that you won't be taking any crap or anything of the sort. That would be foolish, I agree. Not sure why it would be "pushy" since you have now writen several times that you're sure of his intentions (based on what you know of him and what his friends say, etc) although he hasn't directly stated them - a simple confirmation would be pushy? That's a little extreme, no? To me being assertive and having reasonable boundaries (I did use the word reasonable for a good reason) has nothing to do with being pushy or hostile/bitter. I am glad you're not going to do this chatting thing much longer before confirming his intentiions. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cranberrymuffin Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 Motorgrl: I've been following the thread dialogue and I agree with all of your sentiments. I think you are doing the exact right thing - hands down. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
motorgrl Posted September 10, 2009 Author Share Posted September 10, 2009 thanks cranberry, He texted me saying i probably could be handling this better but im truly not sure what to do yet. I am glad we have been talking though. I started to panic so i texted him saying can we talk on the phone for a few minutes? and he wrote i dont have privacy right now. so i wrote back saying maybe you can go outside? sorry..so he wrote give me a few minutes and then he called...basically we started talking and then he said i know we can't keep avoiding the issues etc..and he said i really just don't know what to say. he said i have been thinking about this since you called me and i see good and bad points about this..and i said well there is always bad points right? and he said i guess i kind of came to terms it was over and you see these couples that break up and get back together etc and he said he never saw the point in doing that and going back ..and i said yeah but if they recognize what can be different and changed, it might work and can be worth it...and i told him the truth that it was very hard for me to call him last week b/c i was nervous and afraid..and he said u didn't have to be afraid, its not like i would have ignored you or hung up on u..and i said still, its hard to put urself out there..and then he kind of made a joke like well ur not really an aggressor..except for when ur mad.......and he said so what made u decide to do it..i said i knew eventually i was going to do it and he laughed at that point....and i said i knew i needed to leave u alone for a bit and i still thought about you as time passed so i finally just got the nerve to do it and it was hard for me and i asked him didn't u think about me..and he said u thought i didn't think about u this past year? and i also mentioned u thought i just forgot about u? and he said no, you don't forget about the people u have been with and i said that's true but then he said it doesn't mean u want to go back though.....which scared me b/c i thought he was talking about himself..and i said even if things would be different? and that's when he said no i wasn't referring to that, i meant in terms of u not forgetting but i wasn't expecting a call a year later to do this(so i guess he meant in general it doesn't usually happen that way)...he said he can't just jump back into this..and i said i know, i wasn't expecting that..i know its going to be baby steps...so he said it would have to be starting over like from scratch so i agreed and said i knew it wouldn't be like that...he said in theory it would be ideal to just do that but it can't be like that..he said he wasn't even expecting this a year later..and that's when i was trying to be light about the topic and say well surprises are good right? and he said most aren't actually and then he corrected himself saying not that this isn't a good surprise, just most arent. He said we will exchange some calls and then meet eventually and just take it from there and see how it goes.....we started talking about other things and the convo seemed to go ok...he said where we are now is alot different from over two weeks ago so maybe this can slowly happen? still nervous at times. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 It sounds like a positive conversation in general because you got more information about how he feels. But, it sounds like you are overly concerned about asking him direct questions - rather, you continue to guess about what he means (does he mean generally, or specifically about you?) which can't really continue if there is to be progress. The sooner you feel secure enough to ask him "what do you mean by that?" or "are you referring to us when you say that?" the more you will know about how he feels about seeing you. I also would do my utmost, if I were you, to stop contacting him especially when he's told you he will contact you and especially when it involves you pressuring him to leave his friends or whatever he's doing and talk to you right then. I realize he texted you first but he didn't call (because he was with his friends). Not sure it's so fair of him to text you something so emotionally provocative and then say he's busy, but there are worse things. I know it feels urgent to you but try to be more other-centered and empathetic and let him be, let him call you when he really wants to speak to you and by all means don't place demands on him when he is busy doing something else - even if he is busy vegging out after a long day. That will start to feel like the way things were in the past when you were too clingy/needy and likely will dissuade him even from taking baby steps. Also consider whether you will feel comfortable if you continue to be the initiator and you continue to be the one trying to convince him to see you and reconcile -- for the short term it might work - you might get to see him and he might still be attracted to you/want you - but will you feel comfortable knowing that you had to do this much of the pursuing and the convincing -- will that feed your insecurities? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
motorgrl Posted September 10, 2009 Author Share Posted September 10, 2009 hi bataya, well he wasnt with his friends, he was at home..i realize that may not make much of a difference but him writing something like that, i just wanted to talk and get things out in the open and it seemed like it was a positive thing to do afterwards he said a few days ago i could call him but now i think i will just let him call me next and see what happens, i may not even hear from him for a few days b/c the weekend is almost here but atleast he said we'll exchange some calls and then meet and just see how that goes. anyone else has any thoughts? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cranberrymuffin Posted September 11, 2009 Share Posted September 11, 2009 thanks cranberry, He texted me saying i probably could be handling this better but im truly not sure what to do yet. I am glad we have been talking though. ETC........ Beautiful. Through most of your message it seemed it wasn't going over to well but toward the end it does seem more hopeful for sure. I'd just keep giving him space and taking the same baby steps. No expectations. Fingers crossed for you as you genuinely seem like you wish to change the relationship's energy from what it was, to a new one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maya_A Posted September 11, 2009 Share Posted September 11, 2009 he said a few days ago i could call him but now i think i will just let him call me next and see what happens, i may not even hear from him for a few days b/c the weekend is almost here but atleast he said we'll exchange some calls and then meet and just see how that goes. anyone else has any thoughts? I think that is a great approach. Keep it easy going and light. Allow him to set a pace he is comfortable with as he is the one unsure about rekindling a relationship for one, and for two, I think you mentioned you would hold less of a rein on things if you had the chance to do things differently. That it was part of the manner in which you "changed your ways." He can already tell very much that you are interested in getting back together, so yes, allowing him to call you next when he feels like it seems best IMHO. As Cranberry said, no expectations, and I would add no "tests" no "I need to show him this or that", no tough or demanding energy. Just 'let it be', naturally. Give him room to breathe - take baby steps. Good luck... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
motorgrl Posted September 11, 2009 Author Share Posted September 11, 2009 thank you for the support does it seem like this may lead towards a reconciliation even if done slowly? i am really hoping it does..i don't mind taking it slow if this is the direction its going in...he seems like he still has some feelings for me right? i know his personality and know that was sort of his thinking--not to go back, break up, go back etc...but i guess i was trying to show him i'm not expecting everything at once and i know alot of things would be different. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
loulee Posted September 11, 2009 Share Posted September 11, 2009 I think that a reconciliation may be on the cards but i certainly would not discredit any of BATYA33 advice either, it is very good advice if you give it some deep thought. Dont be afraid that you will scare him off just by simply clarifying that perhaps you are both "considering" a reconciliation and working slowly towards this.. It would be nice to have this matter alone confirmed sometime very soon. You can still take your time and proceed at whatever pace you think is best ...BUT actually establishing that BOTH of you are definitely in the same head space would be far more beneficial to you both..So what I am saying is perhaps it is time during the next conversation to be very direct and say in black and white "I would like to reconcile, do you feel the same way?. Establish that very important detail and then all of your doubts, uncertainty etc that you both may feel can be dealt together with good communication between you and at the appropriate pace that you BOTH feel and agree would be suitable..Remember a reconciliation even with doubts or uncertainty should be expressed clearly between you, not with any guesswork or fear that one or the other will do a runner..It would also be a great start to open communication between you...Currently you are unsure of his intentions and you are "reading between the lines" to some extent..So try and eliminate this by being direct and putting it all on the line in a positive and happy approach, and soon...You need to know for sure exactly what you are working or not working towards...You have nothing to lose but much to gain by establishing your wants and needs very directly...Dont show him, tell him..the less left to guesswork and hope the better , you will both form a far healthier relationship in the future..good luck to you both..let us know your update... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted September 11, 2009 Share Posted September 11, 2009 I agree with this and based on what you've described about the conversations, I think it is unlikely that he wants to reconcile. He might change his mind but you have to show restraint - more than you have shown - in giving him the space to come back to you, so, let him do all of the calling for now, accept right away if he can't talk right then, etc. On the other hand I would follow the previous poster's advice (which is also mine) that if he does call you, take the guesswork out of it. No need to be confrontational about it or pushy, either. I know you don't want to hear that and I know you are hanging your hat on "well maybe he just wants to take it slow". The slow isn't the issue I have with this - it's that he hasn't shown much enthusiasm about the potential for reconciling and he hasn't been definitive about his intentions. Even if he wanted to take it slow for all the right reasons (meaning, despite strong interest in reconciling), he would act in his own best interests and express very clearly to you that he hopes it eventually happens and hopes that you will still be there for him when he is ready ("I know I can't prevent you from meeting other people during this time but I hope you are still available when I am ready because I want this to work with all my heart"). And just so you don't think I have the narrowminded view that it can only happen one way, I don't - but I do think that if the mindset and intentions are not very sure about wanting reconciliation it is probaby a waste of time to pursue even baby steps at that time - much better to delay it until there is that level of enthusiasm (despite wanting to take it slow). I've never heard about a good reconciliation where one of the people was less than enthusiastic and had to be convinced to get back together - it might "work" technically but it won't last in any happy way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maya_A Posted September 12, 2009 Share Posted September 12, 2009 does it seem like this may lead towards a reconciliation even if done slowly? It's so hard to read another person, but the fact that he said you were in a different place than when you spoke two weeks ago sounds encouraging, along with some other things. Not to discredit anyone's advice but I do think if you right now out & out asked him if he wanted to reconcile, he'd say no. That he can't just immediately on the spot make that commitment to jump back into things. He's as much as said that already. So, in light of the specifics of your particular situation (it might be dif. in a more general case) I think just slowly starting to communicate might work best. There is always time to bring up that direct question. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
motorgrl Posted September 12, 2009 Author Share Posted September 12, 2009 i agree, i think putting him on the spot asking him that--he wouldn't be able to answer definitely yes...i think this came as a surprise to him and not what he was expecting...he knows i don't want to be friends though so i don't see why we would be chatting and meeting up if it wasn't to slowly progress the relationship...hope this goes well.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted September 12, 2009 Share Posted September 12, 2009 i agree, i think putting him on the spot asking him that--he wouldn't be able to answer definitely yes...i think this came as a surprise to him and not what he was expecting...he knows i don't want to be friends though so i don't see why we would be chatting and meeting up if it wasn't to slowly progress the relationship...hope this goes well.. When are you meeting up? I agree that he has the possibility of reconciling in his mind - or at least knows that you do - and would not talk to you if there was no chance, but since chatting on the phone to an old friend doesn't take much effort and is fun/pleasurable I wouldn't read too much into his willingness to chat, especially since you're not asking him the direct question so he can just go with the flow. I would think the goal is not just whether he entertains the possibility of reconciling but whether he is enthusiastic about the potential - if he's not enthusiastic at the starting gate then I wouldn't invest all this time/thought/attention because reconciling is hard enough even with enthusiasm. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
motorgrl Posted September 12, 2009 Author Share Posted September 12, 2009 i am not sure when we are meeting up..he said we will exchange some calls and then meet(i am guessing maybe in a week or 2)..the last time we spoke was wednesday..i'm not expecting a call on the weekend but i was hoping a little bit to hear from him...i know that it can't go from not speaking at all to speaking so frequently so i understand that....just get worried about getting a call or text saying he changed his mind..but from what my friends know of him and what i know..he would have said that already if he didn't want to try at all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted September 13, 2009 Share Posted September 13, 2009 i am not sure when we are meeting up..he said we will exchange some calls and then meet(i am guessing maybe in a week or 2)..the last time we spoke was wednesday..i'm not expecting a call on the weekend but i was hoping a little bit to hear from him...i know that it can't go from not speaking at all to speaking so frequently so i understand that....just get worried about getting a call or text saying he changed his mind..but from what my friends know of him and what i know..he would have said that already if he didn't want to try at all. The consequences of your decision to keep this a guessing game is increasing your anxiety. I wouldn't go by what "friends" say - despite being well meaning, none of them has been in a long term romantic relationship with him, right? And since it has been so long since you've been in contact guessing as to what he is thinking sounds like it will increase the anxiety so I would suggest not to do so. I do think there is a small part of him that wants to keep the option open to reconcile but if I were you I would watch the feet - what he does - not the lips - what he says - as far as whether he is enthusiastic about reconciling. At this point I would live my life as if there is no chance of reconciling and have faith that if he becomes enthusiastic about reconciling he will let you know that directly and clearly. That way you can continue to move on and stop wasting emotional energy on waiting for a call. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted September 13, 2009 Share Posted September 13, 2009 At this point I would live my life as if there is no chance of reconciling and have faith that if he becomes enthusiastic about reconciling he will let you know that directly and clearly. That way you can continue to move on and stop wasting emotional energy on waiting for a call. I think that's the approach I would take if I were you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maya_A Posted September 14, 2009 Share Posted September 14, 2009 to keep this a guessing game is increasing your anxiety. I agree MotorG, in the sense that you have some information (he will call you sometime soon to chat) so now it is best to just let that "be" and go on with your life. That means not over-focusing on, or to pick all of this apart with your friends and within your own self. I understand it is a big emotional thing for you as you seem to have strong feelings for him. Just try to remember that ruminating on it won't change anything about the outcome. In that case you may as well give yourself some peace and just relax into the idea of "it will be what it will be & I will be ok either way" type of idea. Doing so will also help you practice the thought patterns and behaviors of relaxing into things more emotionally if you do get back together with him, or with someone new. A very valuable self and relationship tool. So at this point I'd stop talking about it with friends & focus on other things with them & in your own thoughts.... Take care Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
motorgrl Posted September 17, 2009 Author Share Posted September 17, 2009 he called sunday and we spoke..seemed to be a good convo..i figured maybe i can call him in a day or so or maybe just let him call me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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