justheretotalk Posted August 31, 2009 Share Posted August 31, 2009 My wife went to lunch the other day with an old boyfriend whom she has had no contact with for the past 6-7 years. She went with a co-worker/mutual friend to both of us, but she didn't tell me about it. I found out through some snooping which I am not proud of. I know she love me, but what was she thinking? Why does she feel the need to see this other person? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted August 31, 2009 Share Posted August 31, 2009 The only person who can answer that is her. So if you want to know you will have to admit to snooping and ask her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scorpion Fury Posted August 31, 2009 Share Posted August 31, 2009 what did she do to make you suspicious to make you snoop? i wouldn't be ok with my husband having lunch with an ex. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
doiiiieeezie Posted August 31, 2009 Share Posted August 31, 2009 I doubt that she was cheating,and why would you snoop anyway? Only your wife knows this and you should trust her... do you have a reason not to? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
savignon Posted August 31, 2009 Share Posted August 31, 2009 Do you think an ex going back 6-7 years poses a threat to your marriage? Maybe she didn't want to make you un-necesarily concerned or didn't know he was going to be there? I find "ex" stuff harmless most of the time so I might not have the same concerns as someone else. I'm certain my husband is not interested in his ex's and would not feel threatened by him having lunch with one unless I had information that rocked my general theory. Do you have information to suggest that she's still interested in him or not interested in you or anything else that would make a 3 party lunch unsettling? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amtjrtcet Posted August 31, 2009 Share Posted August 31, 2009 My wife went to lunch the other day with an old boyfriend whom she has had no contact with for the past 6-7 years. She went with a co-worker/mutual friend to both of us, but she didn't tell me about it. I found out through some snooping which I am not proud of. I know she love me, but what was she thinking? Why does she feel the need to see this other person? To me its cheating. Anything you wouldn't do with or infront of your significant other or anything you keep from them is cheating. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amtjrtcet Posted August 31, 2009 Share Posted August 31, 2009 to add....once you're married there should be no more contact with old bfs/gfs....unless of course in the case of children. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scorpion Fury Posted August 31, 2009 Share Posted August 31, 2009 to add....once you're married there should be no more contact with old bfs/gfs....unless of course in the case of children. Word. (ten) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostandhurt Posted August 31, 2009 Share Posted August 31, 2009 If there was nothing wrong with it why didn't she tell you? This isn't a good way to have a healthy marriage. Hiding anything is never good unless it is xmas gifts. Did she do something wrong? YES! How wrong is the only real question. How did they come to meet up again anyways? Perhaps she contacted him or he contacted her. Keep your eyes open. Lost Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeartGoesOn Posted August 31, 2009 Share Posted August 31, 2009 To me its cheating. Anything you wouldn't do with or infront of your significant other or anything you keep from them is cheating. I totally agree! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redtan Posted August 31, 2009 Share Posted August 31, 2009 How is going to lunch with a member of the opposite sex (even if it was an old bf) considered cheating? Not only that, but she went with ANOTHER person also, not just a 1 on 1 with the guy? Sure she did something stupid by not telling you about it, but how in god's grean earth do you consider eating food and talking to someone cheating? Don't take this the wrong way, I'd be slightly pissed/upset she did not tell me about a meeting (especially with an old bf), but I'd be out of my mind to go as far as considering that cheating. Cheating is different than lying...while both bad things to do their not even close to being the same. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amtjrtcet Posted August 31, 2009 Share Posted August 31, 2009 How is going to lunch with a member of the opposite sex (even if it was an old bf) considered cheating? Not only that, but she went with ANOTHER person also, not just a 1 on 1 with the guy? Sure she did something stupid by not telling you about it, but how in god's grean earth do you consider eating food and talking to someone cheating? Don't take this the wrong way, I'd be slightly pissed/upset she did not tell me about a meeting (especially with an old bf), but I'd be out of my mind to go as far as considering that cheating. Cheating is different than lying...while both bad things to do their not even close to being the same. to each their own. to me they're equal Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kantriakhor Posted August 31, 2009 Share Posted August 31, 2009 to each their own. to me they're equal Cheating means violating the relationship's exclusivity (emotionally or physically). Having lunch does neither. To each their own. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Siriana Posted August 31, 2009 Share Posted August 31, 2009 If you're a jealous type (apparently you are since you snooped) not telling you was easier than you making a problem out of it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mrmaximum Posted August 31, 2009 Share Posted August 31, 2009 Having lunch with a member of the opposite sex...whether it's an issue to look into or not depends on the character of the people involved. No history is given so this is a tough lead to follow. However, going out to lunch with an ex is treading into some murky territory, this would arouse my suspicion too. I'm not in your shoes, so you are the one who is going to have to make the choice here, you could wait and see if it happens again, or you could try to confront in a calm and rational way. It could go both ways, yes she may have gone with a co-worker and this whole thing is a huge mis-understanding, but some WS's do have friends of their affair, who support their dalliance and won't out the offense. More information may be required. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
orangesoda Posted August 31, 2009 Share Posted August 31, 2009 I don't think it's cheating, more like F'ing around. I do think it's incredibly stupid, and very damaging to a marriage to start seeing your ex behind your husband/wife's back. I don't see how anyone could think it was 'no big deal.' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostandhurt Posted August 31, 2009 Share Posted August 31, 2009 Prelude to cheating perhaps then. Taking a friend along for support or protection if the ex wants more? Just because there were 3 people at the table doesn't make it any better. I still wonder how long they had been talking before this "lunch" happened. I doubt they just bumped into him there by accident. This was a planned meeting and she didn't tell her husband boo about any of it. Lost Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yeawutever Posted August 31, 2009 Share Posted August 31, 2009 It's not cheating and she should have told her husband about it. It would make anyone think and wonder.... Not telling it's like showing you got something to hide... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ResonanceTheory Posted September 1, 2009 Share Posted September 1, 2009 Not cheating. I know that, in the past, when I have ran into my exes or happened to have a chat with them, I didn't tell my boyfriend. At most, I might mention "oh, I saw so-and-so the other day", but that'd be the end of it. Why does he need to know? I'm not interested in doing anything with them, and they are still people, and if I run into them, I wouldn't be against getting a cup of coffee with them and catching up. Especially in cases where the relationship is long over. However, if my boyfriend ASKED who I was having a chat/cup of coffee with, I'd have no problem telling him. I suppose another reason I wouldn't bring it up would be if my boyfriend were a jealous person. Perhaps your wife knows you've already got a suspicious nature and doesn't want to ring any alarm bells unnecessarily? If it bothers you so much, then I'd admit to snooping, and tell her that you don't appreciate being left in the dark about her lunch dates. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lady00 Posted September 1, 2009 Share Posted September 1, 2009 My initial reaction to this is that each couple defines what cheating is for them. But, since the OP does ask flat-out "Cheating or not" I guess that's asking for our personal opinions. So, in my personal opinion, no, it's not cheating. It would not occur to me that I would need to report back to a bf about going to lunch with an old bf. There could be many reasons a person could go to lunch with an old date that don't include feeling the waters to decide if one wants to cheat. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arcadefire Posted September 1, 2009 Share Posted September 1, 2009 It's not cheating BUT it can lead to cheating. I would admit to knowing that she had lunch with an ex and that it makes you uncomfortable that she is doing that without telling you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redtan Posted September 2, 2009 Share Posted September 2, 2009 to each their own. to me they're equal So to you if your BF said he would be going to the golf course but instead went to a concert is considered an equal offense as him going and having sex with another woman and thus being punished equally? Cheating is having sexual/physical relations with another person other than your SO. While yes there is other ways of not being faithful or whatver to the relationship (by lying, treating someone bad etc) that is usually different than straight up cheating. When someone tells you their wife/husband cheated on them you think 'oh they cheated on them by having physical contact with another person' not 'oh they must have lied to them about what they did the other weeked'. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mrmaximum Posted September 2, 2009 Share Posted September 2, 2009 I would have huge issues if my wife saw her ex bf and lied to me about it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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