How to be OK if you can't have a good relationship?

[Eye]

Hi - I'll make this brief.*

 

I'm fortunate in my life, with the exception of not having a relationship. I'm exploring this problem in many directions, and I think I might benefit from some other peoples' perspectives.

 

I'm in my mid 30s and a great catch in many ways, and have always thought of myself as average in looks, but I'm coming to realize that I'm actually quite unattractive. It's kind of taboo to admit that about anyone, much less yourself, but it's a reality I have to face. I won't post a picture and I'm not looking for encouragement--so you'll have to start from the assumption that I'm correct: I'm unattractive to the point where very few people find me attractive. I like my looks OK, but most don't. The odds are stacked against me.

 

Given that assumption, my situation is this: I very, very badly want a relationship. A healthy relationship with a stable, interesting woman, in which there is mutual attraction and a physical component. Not just a friendship--I have several great friends already. But I'm patient--I know these things have to grow with time. I don't expect instant gratification.

 

I WANT a relationship, and the lack of it makes me sad every day, but it is something I might never have. That's a possibility I can't deny any longer (after 4 years of trying dating from every angle).

 

 

These are the solutions I've gotten from friends:

 

* Join a religion (not an option for me)

 

* Get rich somehow, and attract women with money (maybe, but it would be depressingly shallow)

 

* Hang in there, you might get lucky someday and beat the odds (true--but after 4 years alone I'm getting really sad, and must deal with more years of the same)

 

* You're perfect! You could have any woman you want! (a little white lie--sweet, but unhelpful)

 

* Settle for just having friends, plus seeing prostitutes (depressing AND illegal--just not in my character)

 

* Show your confidence, intelligence and humor and let your inner beauty win them over (this works--it nets me a ton of female friends, but no romance)

 

* Get out and do the things you like, and you'll meet like minded people (ditto--tons of friends, but only that)

 

* Try online dating (the place where women are even pickier than real life: my writing and profile get an enthusiastic response, and then as soon as they see me they're gone)

 

* Don't think about it, just do your work, do your hobbies, and distract yourself (this also works--but only for a short time)

 

* Go back to your ex who you left because she cheated on you during your entire 10 years together (she cheated on me because I wasn't what she wanted--and it's long over, which is a good thing)

 

* Think of all the people who are so much worse off than you! (it's true, but it doesn't cheer me up--I still want to be with someone)

 

* Keep suffering. Eventually it will all be over. (OK, that's not from a close friend! And it's where I'm at right now, but I hate it. Just to reassure you: suicide is not an option--that would take away my pain and give it tenfold to others, which I would never do; not to mention it's too final and not in my nature.)

 

 

There is truth in all of those. But there are two directions I want to explore that my friends haven't helped with:

 

1. How do you stop wanting to be with someone? If you have to be alone, how do you cope with that?

 

Or

 

2. How do you lower your standards and not want more? Personality-wise, I don't expect people to be free of problems and baggage, I just I want someone intelligent and interesting, with similar values. But interesting people know they can do better than me--and so they want to stop at "friends." Physically, I don't expect a supermodel--in fact, conventionally attractive women often bore me. I prefer quirky, and I'm fine with a range of body types. But maybe I need to lower my standards even farther--and date women who I find unattractive and boring. Desperate women--or women who think they're desperate at least. I'm not okay with that--I don't want to settle, and they don't deserve to BE settled for. If you have to settle for far less than you want, how do you cope with that and not want more?

 

Any thoughts on these two?

 

I know it's downbeat to talk about these things. Sorry about that. But there really ARE people who aren't romantically desirable. I think I may be one of them. What do they do?

 

(I don't want to delve into how to "fix" my dating strategy--at least not here. My friends all seem to think my strategy is already good, and in fact they come to ME for relationship advice.)

 

Thanks!

 

* I am totally kidding. I'll make it long and rambling!

[Rosee]

Some people will have more options available to them and that's a fact, but attraction can definitely grow with time, especially with regards to men, so it's not really that big a deal if you aren't very good looking. If you smell nice and are clean and dress in a flattering way that's half the battle won. Honestly a guy that can make me laugh I will start to find him attractive, regardless of physical appearance, if you have friendships you know you have the ability to click with at least some people. You're too young to give up, and I wouldn't encouraged you to 'lower your standards' except to wonder if you're judging some women too much before you even get to know them?

[surfNski]

Dude, are you me? Did I get on here and wright this and forget it or something?

 

I dont have any advice, in fact I am trying to learn how to be "ok with being alone" myself. I like to hope someone might come along that I am atrrected to and is attracted to me but its not looking realistic at this point. I think the hope actually makes it worse sometimes, maybe if I just accept it and deal with the loss of a lot of my hopes and dreams it might make it easier.

 

Anyway man, if you find some answers let us know...

[Timbone]

Seriously, surf, I was beginning to think that I wrote this as well. Or maybe that YOU are actually ME.... or maybe Eye is me. So confused.

 

I think the only way to really do without someone is just to get out there and do things that you enjoy. I can't think of anything else, to be honest.

[Eye]

Well at least I'm not alone Unless... you all ARE me... and then there's only one of us... and than I AM alone Hmmm....

 

Thanks for the comments.

 

Some people will have more options available to them and that's a fact, but attraction can definitely grow with time, especially with regards to men, so it's not really that big a deal if you aren't very good looking. If you smell nice and are clean and dress in a flattering way that's half the battle won. Honestly a guy that can make me laugh I will start to find him attractive, regardless of physical appearance, if you have friendships you know you have the ability to click with at least some people. You're too young to give up, and I wouldn't encouraged you to 'lower your standards' except to wonder if you're judging some women too much before you even get to know them?

 

Thanks. Just to be clear: I DO date (and contact online) women I find unattractive and boring (and some I find attractive and interesting--if they take a chance on a guy from one well-chosen online photo). I don't pre-judge. That's a mistake because a) your feeling of a person's physical attractiveness can change over time, and if you end up attracted, it feels exactly the same as if you were attracted instantly. So why not see what happens? And b) some people take time to get to know--they may be very interesting and intelligent even if they don't come off that way at first.

 

So I don't take first impressions very seriously. I'll take ANY second date I can get, and I'll say I had a great time even if I didn't. I'll give it every chance. But they don't do the same in return--or they do, but nothing beyond friendship grows. (I've even told female friends that I "used to be" into them, as a low-key way to fish for whether that pleases them or not. Just so I don't overlook if someone has developed feelings they're hiding.)

 

Someone might find me attractive--my chances are not zero. My chances are, however, very LOW. So my last 4 years of loneliness could very well turn into another 4 years. Or 1 year, even, and I don't see a way to even cope with 1 more year. So--how do you cope? There may simply be no answer, but it's something to think about.

 

I've put a lot of effort into dating for the last 4 years, including being careful to not always do to the SAME things. Don't get stuck in one rut, meeting one kind of person and wondering why things are always the same. So I've tried "not caring" and just seeing what comes my way. I've tried being more assertive, and being more passive. I've tried approaching younger women and older ones, alternative women and traditional ones. I've tried meeting people online and offline, and put the word out to friends seeking a little matchmaking (they seldom feel able to recommend me though). I've tried being myself fully, and being myself with a little censorship, and (occasionally) putting on a facade--usually one of exaggerated confidence. I've looked at what other people are doing, and I've looked at what I'm doing wrong. In short, I think I've made a great effort this past 4 years, and my friends (who are not afraid to criticize) think so too.

 

In that 4 years, I have met 12 women for dates. Only twice were they attractive and interesting--the rest were "whatever I could get." However, I never focus on the doubts while I'm on a date. I'm able to enjoy myself in the moment, work to make her enjoy herself, and give it the benefit of the doubt. I've convinced myself many times, in the moment, that this person is interesting to me--but if she's just not, I can't keep up the illusion.

 

Of the two that really WERE interesting (neither of which had body types that make them a stereotypical guy magnet), both wanted to "just be friends."

 

And none of the other 10 were interested in me either. (If they were, that would have MADE me interested in them--at least for a while. Getting attention from a woman is so unheard of to me that it pushes aside all other factors and makes me like them.)

 

So, 4 years, 12 dates, and no interest from them. All were from people who liked my online profiles--but then they meet me in person. And women I meet in person reject me instantly--not for friendship, but for dating. (I have far more female friends than male in fact.)

 

In other words, for the most part, my personality draws women. My looks push them away.

 

I think the odds of another 4 (or 40) years alone are high. But even if that's overly pessimistic, the CHANCE of remaining alone is a real one. If that continues, how do I deal with it? What do other people do?

 

And alternatively, if I have to settle, how do I best do that? (We'd all like to deny that anyone has to settle. But some people DO have to, and if I'm one of them, I need to face that. Believe me, I'd rather not. Denial feels great--but it's useless.)

[notsogood]

This may or may not help.

 

Confidence. Sure you may disregard it right away but it's true that it works. If a girl thinks you lack confidence in your looks then she will feel that vibe. Ive tested this theory out and it works. Confidence boosts your physical appearance. Also the way you dress does.

[Eye]

Thanks--confidence (even false confidence) and the advice of fashion-conscious friends have been very helpful to me. I'd recommend your advice to any guy. And here's a trick to help you do it: if you can't think HOW to act confident, then imagine a confident guy and ask yourself what he'd do. Do that. Take on that persona. (Although you can only fake it so far.)

 

It's not enough, but yes, it's important.

[Ms Darcy]

Can you be a little more specific about what you find interesting in a woman?

[Eye]

Can you be a little more specific about what you find interesting in a woman?

 

Well, it's not any specific thing, but it adds interest if she has hobbies/interests/passions/dreams she can articulate, or is unusual in some way, or expresses herself intelligently, or has values she stands up for (assuming they're not incompatible with mine, naturally). Maybe she's read something interesting lately (or something at all!) or maybe she likes non-mainstream movies or music, or paints, or wants to spend a summer in Japan, or has a dark sense of humor. SOMETHING that isn't generic, and that she can converse about.

 

Most of the women who will talk to me without making a getaway (or who will answer my emails online) seem unable to name a single thing they like beyond:

 

* Drinking

* Their cat

* Their coworkers

* Reality TV

* Romance novels

 

They say they're "the girl next door" or "just as comfortable in jeans and a T-shirt" or they like "hanging out." This is all fine, but it does nothing for me.

 

I go out with them anyway, but small talk is about as far is it can get. They don't care about my passions, and they have none of their own. I try to engage them in any topic at all, but there's just no connection. Throw in a lack of physical attraction (in either direction) and it's hard to even imagine wanting a second date (and yet, I'll do it--because "you never know").

 

They are, however, desperate enough to at least go out with me once--and then THEY reject ME. Ouch.

 

I meet (and write online to) plenty of women who ARE interesting (I'm in a book club and an art club for instance). But they know they can do better than me, I guess.

[waveseer]

Eye, what are your interests if you don't mind me asking?

[Eye]

Eye, what are your interests if you don't mind me asking?

 

Guy stuff (which I don't drone on about):

 

Video games

Computer science/programming

Sci fi (good sci-fi, not most of it; and actually a lot of women ARE into it)

Politics (but I tire of that quickly anyway)

 

Other stuff (which I do talk about):

 

Nature/outdoors, hiking trails, skiing, etc.

Animals (both wild and pets)

A variety of "liberal" causes: gay rights, social justice, media reform, climate change, etc.

A few weird little hobbies of my own (model-making, but not from kits)

Electronic, folk, and alternative music (and certain rock too)

Independent movies (I'm in a movie club and there's a great theater nearby)

Travel (more in terms of future plans--but some past tales too)

Books and art (creating art as well as going to see it)

Freethought, skepticism and philosophy

My career which I love (designing and making games)

My future dreams (to make games that teach stuff while still being fun--like a game about climate change--and possibly to move to the West coast if it doesn't break off and sink first!)

A fairly obscure performance art that I won't mention because it's so rare that someone I know could Google it and find this embarrassing thread And I teach people to do it--except very few people care to learn. Granted, it sounds boring until you understand it.

Non-fiction writing (and some fiction, but rarely)

Vegetarian cooking (not from a cookbook--I make my own recipes)

International cuisine (love to try new things)

Etc.

 

Frankly, I'm a lot more interesting than most people I meet And I'm intelligent, and a good person whose values are more than empty talk, I live by them. I'm also good at understanding people, and their motivations, and good at communicating clearly (no head games from me). I'm very assertive--in fact I will dig in and never back down when the situation calls for it--but the rest of the time I'm low maintenance and will enjoy whatever comes along without freaking out when things aren't perfect. These things do take time for people to get know, though. But my sense of humor they get right away. That's my first/best way that I attract people.

 

Shame about the face, though (I notice I can better attract women who have no sex drive, or who seek a committed non-sexual relationship. Makes sense if the people who care about attraction go for someone better-looking. That kind of limited relationship is NOT what I'm seeking, though. I couldn't accept that, and I think those people are missing out on something worthwhile and healthy.)

[waveseer]

You have a ton of great interests! Please don't shoot me for this, but maybe you are aiming too low. You could meet potential dates doing most of your interests, right? Maybe the west coast is for you, many, many more granola lovers per square mile here than most places.

[Eye]

Thanks.

 

Believe me, my aim started higher! It's been dropping like a rock, but I still pursue the interesting attractive women too. It's of no use, but I haven't stopped trying.

 

My good qualities DO draw lots of people (the place I live is at least somewhat liberal and cosmopolitan--not the best but not the worst). But they draw friends--and only friends. (Many of who I do indeed meet through my interests.)

 

I guess I'd day I have high self-esteem, but other people don't have high Eye-esteem. (I'm actually still surprised by how people react to my looks. I've seen them all my life so I'm kind of blind to them myself.)

 

The main reason I think of moving out West is exactly what you're saying. At the same time, I'd be leaving my family (some of who are getting pretty old) so it's not something I'd do "just for the heck of it." I'd want to be sure I wasn't running from my problems, when my problems in fact are ME, and come along for the ride. Plus it's a disruptive thing career-wise.

[waveseer]

I believe in disrupting my life, shaking things up a bit. I can always bring anyone who can no longer take care of themselves with me (I know it's not quite that simple, just an example of a possible solution). The only reason I haven't made a big move in recent years is because I have kids in school and their dad lives nearby. Once they are grown, it will be time to shake things up a bit. Life is too short to stay where I am wondering what it's like or if it's better somewhere else. Hey, you could always go back if you don't like it.

[Eye]

I believe in disrupting my life, shaking things up a bit. I can always bring anyone who can no longer take care of themselves with me (I know it's not quite that simple, just an example of a possible solution). The only reason I haven't made a big move in recent years is because I have kids in school and their dad lives nearby. Once they are grown, it will be time to shake things up a bit. Life is too short to stay where I am wondering what it's like or if it's better somewhere else. Hey, you could always go back if you don't like it.

 

I'm considering it (and I did it once: moved to a new city 4 years ago where I knew nobody). But even more important may be to shake things up INSIDE.

[waveseer]

I'm considering it (and I did it once: moved to a new city 4 years ago where I knew nobody). But even more important may be to shake things up INSIDE.

 

I shake things up inside by doing something I've never done before, trying something totally new. I average one completely new thing a year. Some years I resurrect an old interest but it has to be something I really enjoyed. For strictly internal work I journal and share my healing process here. I have a need to learn new things and I stagnate when I ignore it.