melissag87 Posted August 26, 2009 Share Posted August 26, 2009 Hi Everyone, Some of you may already know me, but i'll give you a quick summary of my break up. My b/f and I dated for 2.5 years. He broke up with me in May (seriously out of no where) his reasons were that he wanted time to focus on himself and he saw our relationship getting more serious and was nervous. He said that it had nothing to do on my part and that I was a "perfect girlfriend". After we broke up, we continued to see eachother about once a week until August 1st. We would even sometimes hook up. Finally i couldn't take it anymore, especially when i found out he was going to visit his ex g/f after hanging out with me the whole day. I broke it off on August 1st and haven't seen him since. Then I started seeing a therapist to help me get over him. About 2 weeks into no contact he sends me a random picture msg!!! it was an old pic he had taken of me when I got into a car accident and i'm wearing a neck brace while giving 2 thumbs up...(it's a funny picture) he wrote "he i was looking through my phone today and had a chuckle when i saw this, thought you would too" I just wrote back "haha thanks" Then, today while i was in therapy I told my therapist that I still wanted to try and win him back I just don't want to fall into the FWB situation again. She told me to give it one more shot but that if he does not want to get back into the relationship then I'll have to move on. I called him a few hours ago and asked if he would like to meet up tomorrow around 7ish and he agreed...although i must say i feel like i don't know him anymore, it's been twenty-something days since i've spoken/seen him. It was kinda awkward on the phone. Does anyone have any suggestions on how I should act when i see him? I know he's talking to his ex g/f jackie and it kills me because i'm soooo jealous! I don't want to act jealous, and I don't want to let it ruin my mood. Please any suggestion on what i should say would be greatly appreciated - Melissa Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brownstone322 Posted August 26, 2009 Share Posted August 26, 2009 Does anyone have any suggestions on how I should act when i see him? One above all else: Do not have sex with him again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melissag87 Posted August 26, 2009 Author Share Posted August 26, 2009 Thanks Brownstone i think i've learned my lesson on that already lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melissag87 Posted August 26, 2009 Author Share Posted August 26, 2009 But should i act flirty? i'm afraid that if i don't then he'll think that I just want to friends Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brownstone322 Posted August 26, 2009 Share Posted August 26, 2009 Thanks Brownstone i think i've learned my lesson on that already lol OK, I think we're on the same page, but lemme spell it out anyway. I'm not sure about women, but with guys, I know with certainty that (depending on where they are in their lives) they like having an attractive "friend with benefits." They'll like seeing you, they'll like going out with you, they'll like hanging out with you, and they'll especially like having sex with you. But they'll probably never commit to you. (And the rest of the good times will stop when you cut off the sex.) I know partly because I've taken advantage of those very circumstances years ago, and I've suspected that, over the summer, your ex has been taking said advantage of you. EDIT Flirty is fine. Just don't "deliver the goods" until he earns them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crazyaboutdogs Posted August 26, 2009 Share Posted August 26, 2009 But should i act flirty? i'm afraid that if i don't then he'll think that I just want to friends No, I would not suggest acting flirty..that will just make him think you will be up for fun in bed. I think you need to spell it out plainly..ask him about getting back together. This way you get an answer either way. If the answer is yes then you work slowly towards reconciling. If the answer is no, then you can walk away..and if the answer is ambiguous then take that as a no and walk away. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melissag87 Posted August 27, 2009 Author Share Posted August 27, 2009 Okay so here's an update: i was hanging out with my family, just making dinner and then i happen to glance at my phone. All of a sudden i notice that he sent me an email (i get all my emails forwarded to my phone). The message said So, you're phone call totally surprised me today. In a good way, of course. Talk to me a little more about how you've been. What classes are you taking this semester? How did your summer wind down? Get back at me. -Alex I was shocked! I mean was he just trying to be nice? it's just weird because we said that we were gonna meet up tomorrow...i was assuming that we would be catching up when I saw him. Ugh! i dunno i don't want to over analyze it. I'm not going to respond because then i'll feel like we won't have much to speak about tomorrow. I'm gonna email him around lunch tomorrow and just say that i got his email and i'm really busy at school and that we'll just catch up when we meet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tigerfan Posted August 27, 2009 Share Posted August 27, 2009 Your idea to email him at lunch is fine. Just go with that. And be careful. He may just want the FWB thing to resume. I hope it's more than that. Maybe it will be Keep us posted. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
atelis Posted August 27, 2009 Share Posted August 27, 2009 melissa, i think now is a good time for you to set some boundaries for what you want and expect out of a partner and a relationship. I don't know if 20 days is enough for a guy to 'find himself' and overcome his nerves of a committed relationship if that's the reason he broke it off with you. And the fact that he continued to have a FWB relationship with you suggests a lot of selfishness on his part. A solid, emotionally available man would cut things off and let you pursue your own happiness. He sounds very wishy washy to me. I guess i'm saying you need to be careful, irrespective of whether he wants to get back with you or not. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
firstlove Posted August 27, 2009 Share Posted August 27, 2009 I wish you the best of luck and I hope you can win him back. I am praying for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crazyaboutdogs Posted August 27, 2009 Share Posted August 27, 2009 You are talking about "winning him back" as if he is some kind of prize...but remember, he dumped you because he didn't want to commit and then he proceeded to sweet talk you into bed so that he could have a no strings attached sex partner. He doesn't sound like a prize worth winning back...in fact, he should be trying to win YOU back in a serious-minded way, not just an FWB because YOU are the prize, not him. So be in on your guard, because dumpers like to play mind games to extract what they want from the dumpee and discard the rest...many dumpers are like leeches who feed off the dumpee. Don't settle for anything less than a true commitment to getting back together. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brownstone322 Posted August 27, 2009 Share Posted August 27, 2009 Don't settle for anything less than a true commitment to getting back together. Yeah, that's right, but the trick is figuring out whether he's committed to reconciliation or not. It's unlikely that he's gonna suddenly blurt that out, and even if he did, it could still be a ploy to get sex. (Guys will tell girls anything to get their clothes off; trust me on this. If she wants true commitment, then she's gonna have to take some emotional risk and see if he offers commitment through his actions and deeds. Refraining from sex is Step 1. If she takes the "sexual high road," I think she'll see what he's all about sooner or later. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SighSob Posted August 27, 2009 Share Posted August 27, 2009 No. No, no, no, no........................................................NO. This is all wrong. You are not supposed to try to win him back. Damnit he dumped you out of the blue. I'm sure you did nothing wrong. 2.5 years is a long time (at least when you're 22) and he probably just want to mess around before it's time to settle down for good. Really, this plot to win him back makes no sense...the only way you are ever getting him back is by showing him what he's missing...if you meet him and act flirty and such...he will just know that PLAN B is still valid...and even if he can't have FWB, if he decides he wants you back, you will still be pining for him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brownstone322 Posted August 27, 2009 Share Posted August 27, 2009 Damnit he dumped you out of the blue. I'm sure you did nothing wrong. Betcha it didn't happen quite that way, not in his eyes, anyway. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tigerfan Posted August 27, 2009 Share Posted August 27, 2009 If he says he wants the relationship again, the only way to know if that is true is to refrain from sex with him for a good length of time. He will show his true colors. A man truly interested in YOU, will wait. Someone that just wants sex won't wait very long. If he's like that, you don't want him or need him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Puckdog27 Posted August 27, 2009 Share Posted August 27, 2009 Betcha it didn't happen quite that way, not in his eyes, anyway. Brownstone, your level headedness never ceases to amaze me. There are 2 sides to every story, then there is the true story. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brownstone322 Posted August 27, 2009 Share Posted August 27, 2009 Brownstone, your level headedness never ceases to amaze me. There are 2 sides to every story, then there is the true story. Thanks. If there's one thing I know (and I don't know very much), it's that it takes two to screw up a good relationship. And what does every breakup story here have in common? ... They're all told from one side by a direct participant with a vested interest in the outcome. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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