Lugh Posted August 31, 2009 Share Posted August 31, 2009 Orlander sorry to hear you are still struggling with your ex, im 2 1/2 years split up and i think about her every week, some more than others.Like you i dont want back and in fact im in a happy and healthy relationship. I struggled big time up until a year ago when i wondered why she had such a hold on me and my emotions, and why she wouldnt let me go. what the problem was in fact, that I was holding on to her, i didnt want to make the final cut and let myself move on. Imo its something you have to make yourself do, force yourself to emotionally detach yourself from your ex. I think that you should go through your memory box and physically burn or throw out most if not all of whats there, you will still have your memories but it will be a physical manisfestation of you purging your ex from your life. i dont know if youve tried it but i journalled and still do, i would just sit at my desk with a pen and let it flow, it amazed me that it could go from pleasant memories to hatred and bile that i didnt realise was pent up inside of me. i would then burn the writings and again i found that a big release. theres something holding you back from really letting go, and you will have to dig deep to find it, either through journalling or counciling. Its not good to be where you are after 4 years. I wish you well Orlander as you said earlier its easier to give advise than to take it, you seem to be very level headed about it all and i think that it wouldnt take a lot of work to get there. But you and only you can make that final push. believe me its worth it when that weight is lifted off your shoulders. Take care. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chrome Posted September 2, 2009 Share Posted September 2, 2009 Orlander, I remember you from back in the day when I was here coming for advice after a fresh breakup (3-1/2 years ago). I can truly say that even this far out, it still hurts so in some ways I'm where you are. I have made much progress though, and I sense that you have by reading your messages, even though you may think you have not. She got rid of me because she'd already hooked up with her boss at work, a job which I gave her much encouragement to take. Real nice outcome that someone can turn on you like that, but time is allowing the facts to finally reveal themself, that she is a liar and the type of person who runs from guy to guy due to massive insecurities. Not the kind of person I want. I think if we look hard enough at the people we were involved with, it's not too hard to find some major character flaws they had. I'm sure this is true with your ex as well. Good to see you here. I was just a lurker back then, didn't post at all, but I remember the incredibly sage advice you were giving to everyone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thorpe Posted September 2, 2009 Share Posted September 2, 2009 It sounds as if your ex is just part of the problem and you may be focusing too much on her as the cause. You've dated other women so you've moved forward on that front, but just haven't found the spark. If you keep doing that you might find love again. There seem to be many other parts of your life that you'd like to change so I'd start by doing what you can to put those right. I have periods of depression and think about my ex-wife, but I know that they'll pass and I have done what I can to follow my dreams as far as possible. I love where I live, Boston, I have a good job and I plan to retire in 2 years time so that I can indulge my hobby of cycling full time. I enjoy those things and although I miss my ex and haven't found anyone else to share them with I sleep well and enjoy life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orlander Posted September 2, 2009 Author Share Posted September 2, 2009 what was your forum name back then? Sounds like your ex didnt deserve you...cheating is horrible and I often wish my ex had cheated because it would have made it easier to move on. I think about my ex every day but the woman I dated for 3 years before her I dont think about and I even just don't like anymore and can't believe i wasted so much time with...and before I met my recent ex I felt the same way about her as I do now about my current ex. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orlander Posted September 2, 2009 Author Share Posted September 2, 2009 I think id love to live in Boston. I just don't like it here and know that i don't pursue anyone here because frankly I just don't want to live here long term. I'm not very accomodating to women I date...they say the wrong thing and i'm gone. I've had more first dates in the past 3 years than some people have their entire lives. I'm the problem, i know that. My ex coming back into my life and wanting to be with me wont solve my problems. I have to do more work i think. While i'm glad that people here can empathize with my current situation I hate that anyone goes through what I am going through. I truly wish everyone would find someone...but i think it's cosmic destiny now that i remain single, forever. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
atelis Posted September 2, 2009 Share Posted September 2, 2009 ...but i think it's cosmic destiny now that i remain single, forever. that's just the negative internal voice that keeps us in the never ending cycle of sabotage. It's our ego trying to protect itself........our unconscious has a huge influence in keeping us in these negative mindsets which we then play out in the form of repeated self defeating behaviour. We need to throw away that tape and start playing a new tape in our heads. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spec Posted September 3, 2009 Share Posted September 3, 2009 ..but i think it's cosmic destiny now that i remain single, forever. no way!!!...it's because the person who will next come into your life is going to be so special that you need to be ready mentally, emotionally and spiritually to be on her calibre....perhaps you still have more to learn so that when you meet her, you will give her the very best of you and not look to her to make you that... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thorpe Posted September 3, 2009 Share Posted September 3, 2009 ...but i think it's cosmic destiny now that i remain single, forever. Some of us will find someone, some of us won't and we'll remain single. The positives of finding someone are fairly obvious, companionship, family, regular sex etc. Being single is right for some of us and it has it's advantages too, like the freedom to organize your life as you want and go off on adventures. I'm in my mid 40s and many of my friends and co workers are having to deal with the expense of sending kids to college and are financially strapped. While I don't have the family I do have a measure of financial independence. It's not perfect, but there's something to be said for being single. I'm currently thinking of semi-retiring and doing a part time job so that I can write and ride my bike more. If I had a family that would be far harder to do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Up and Down Posted September 3, 2009 Share Posted September 3, 2009 regular sex etc. That's an assumption, I am sure you can ask many married people about their sex lives and they will tell you it's nothing close to regular. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rainz Posted September 3, 2009 Share Posted September 3, 2009 Hello Orlander, First came here myself when I was knocked for 6 from a break up just over 4 years ago, even then, I wasn't prepared for the worst break up experience I'd ever had in my life nearly 3 and half years ago. I thought I'd know hurt and heartache and pain, nothing could have prepared me for that last break up. I was terribly hurt and depressed, even stayed off work for 3 weeks, and I I'm someone people would say, oh you'll be fine, you'll get over it etc... I thought of him everyday, tried to get him back, never thought there would be anyone here for me. Lived here at enotalone, even remember your posts from back then, no matter what I tried, just didn't ever feel like I could get over it, or was truly getting over it. Had many setbacks in healing along the way from breaking NC, to him being at the same place as me with mutual friends. Met other guys, they weren't even a blip on th radar for me. Got to the beginning of this year and decided that I just cannot let another year go by with me being this way, surely I have no gone through all I ahve gone through to end up being alone and not able to move on from someone who clearly was able to move right one from me. I decided I was going to try and be open and receptive to meeting someone, I didn;t know who he would be, or where or anything, just that I was going to be open, wasn't going out especially to look, was just going to be open to the possibility. Nearly 4 months ago I met someone in the least expected manner and way, totally have taken things in my stride, decided to get to know the man first over a period of time, not let anything happen too soon, and over these last few months I can say for the first time in over 3 years I've met someone really special, who is showing a lot of potential for a serious, loving, long term relationship, he is very serious and very keen. I never thought that there would be anyone who could reach me again, and this new guy hasn't reached me the way my ex did, but he has captured my hearty in a totally different way, and as time goes on and I see more of his ways and qualities, he just blows me away at times. You will meet someone special and you will give her a chance, and you will know when it feels right to go there. If I've been able to move on from where I was at, then anyone else can too....Rainz Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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