Orlander Posted August 27, 2009 Author Share Posted August 27, 2009 Orlander, do you know her relationship status right now? Hi thistime. No, I really have no idea where or what she is doing. For about a year after the finalizing of the breakup I had her email blocked because i didnt want to get any emails from her but she never called and I never tried to call her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SnowFox Posted August 27, 2009 Share Posted August 27, 2009 Have you ever considered that you might be somewhat depressed? Even with a mild state of chronic depression, a person can feel stuck in life patterns that they can't get out of. Mild depression tends to make one's thoughts more negative and the person can feel hopeless and discouraged. Many people are able to function, hold jobs, have friends, etc, while in this state, so they really are not even aware that they are being held back in subtle ways. Depression can cause thoughts to be obsessive and make the person cling to happy memories from the past. I'm not sure if this applies to you, but I just wanted to toss it out there as a possibility. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
icarus27 Posted August 27, 2009 Share Posted August 27, 2009 I really wish there was something I could say or suggest. But I can't think of something to help. Like you, I live my days haunted by a past. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orlander Posted August 28, 2009 Author Share Posted August 28, 2009 Have you ever considered that you might be somewhat depressed? Even with a mild state of chronic depression, a person can feel stuck in life patterns that they can't get out of. Mild depression tends to make one's thoughts more negative and the person can feel hopeless and discouraged. Many people are able to function, hold jobs, have friends, etc, while in this state, so they really are not even aware that they are being held back in subtle ways. Depression can cause thoughts to be obsessive and make the person cling to happy memories from the past. I'm not sure if this applies to you, but I just wanted to toss it out there as a possibility. Thank you, TennesseeGirl. There's no doubt that I am mildly depressed. I know I haven't been really happy in well over 4 years now. It's ironic that back then all the things that made me unhappy, like having a car that barely ran, having no money, constant worry about my job, living situation, future in my profession, health concerns, etc are all non-existent now. My business is successful, drive a new BMW, finally have the money i always wanted to travel, buy what I want, etc...and i have no one to come with me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Talus Posted August 28, 2009 Share Posted August 28, 2009 Thank you, TennesseeGirl. There's no doubt that I am mildly depressed. I know I haven't been really happy in well over 4 years now. It's ironic that back then all the things that made me unhappy, like having a car that barely ran, having no money, constant worry about my job, living situation, future in my profession, health concerns, etc are all non-existent now. My business is successful, drive a new BMW, finally have the money i always wanted to travel, buy what I want, etc...and i have no one to come with me. This highlights a very serious problem, and until you get it sorted, there is no way you will ever be in a successful relationship again. You have to learn how to be happy on your own. You don't need someone to come with you to be happy, you don't need someone to be there to be happy, you can feel this on your own. You gotta realise that. Make a move, travel on tours with a bunch of other people, get a new job, start a new career. Something productive and something that makes you feel like you are really achieving something. Find something you are passionate about. Work out at the gym, start a sport. There are so many possibilities, do not let this ruin your life. It has done for the past 4 years by the sounds of it but when are you going to step up and say enough is enough and take control of your own happiness? In my opinion, it's time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thistime Posted August 28, 2009 Share Posted August 28, 2009 how difficult would it be for you to find out her relationship status at this time? the reason I wonder this, is..for me anyway, there was a sort of 'healing" that occurred when i found out my ex had moved his gf and her 2 kids into his house...a house he bought to be closer to her family, the kids school, etc. at that point I figured...well he has moved on, definitely not pinning away waiting for me...so I had no choice but to move on also. It was a kind of closure.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SnowFox Posted August 28, 2009 Share Posted August 28, 2009 I have a slightly different opinion about the issue of depression. When depression has shifted from just the occasional blues to a state of actual depression, even if mild, it can have a very powerful influence on how a person functions in the world. It is debilitating them and they can't really pull themselves up by their bootstraps because the bootstraps are broken at this point. So trying to change external things may not be that effective to changing this internal state of depression. I've posted this before, but I think its very helpful- you can take the link removed on-line and if you answer it truthfully it will give you a good sense of whether you might be depressed. Scroll down a bit on the page until you find the questionnaire. Here are some things that are known to be effective for mild to moderate depression: -regular physical activity - aerobic work outs -getting plenty of sleep and get up the same time every morning -getting up early in the morning and getting a lot of sunlight in the morning (this helps regulate sleep cycles) -learning meditation (There is a great book called The Mindful Way through Depression: Freeing Yourself from Chronic Unhappiness - it includes a CD with guided meditations on it) - books or therapists who do Cognitive -Behavioral therapy have been shown to be very effective with depression. - there are many supplements that are known to be effective for mild to moderate depression and/or anxiety - such as 5-HTP, SAM-e, fish oil or salmon oil, B-complex vitamins. all of these can be researched on the net, there is a lot of good solid information out there about how to use these for mood problems if someone wants to try that avenue. (Many years ago- back in the 90s, I had chronic low grade depression and I did a lot of research on it and for me, what worked great was taking 5-HTP and B-complex vitamins - it boosted my mood right up without any side effects from medications. Currently I take salmon oil - 6,000mg per day and that seems to keep my mood at a good level). -last, there are anti-depressants. some people just need them at a very low dose or for a temporary period of time, like 3 to 6 months, in order to help pull them out of the slump they are in due to depression. Good luck!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
UCLAMike Posted August 28, 2009 Share Posted August 28, 2009 There is no time line to getting over someone. However, I will say this: You might be doing something wrong. There isn't one day that goes by, since last year's break up, when I didn't think about her or the break up in some form. However, I know that the pain is lessening and I am at a point where I can run into her in public and I won't be completely smashed. As much as I loved her and maybe still do, I now have the will to stand by my decision never to look at her the same way ever again. Of course I didn't always feel like this. I had to tell myself on a daily basis, go over again why I shouldn't love her, and whether I truly believe I deserve someone better. I do deserve someone good. Not just better than her, but someone really good. I say this to myself every single day. And as hard as it is, I try to cut any remaining emotional ties to her within myself by imagining saying goodbye, saying I don't love you, and saying you are nothing but a painful lie in my life. Do what works for most people, because whatever you are doing doesn't seem to be working fast enough. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thistime Posted August 28, 2009 Share Posted August 28, 2009 Tennessee girl...I used many of the same techniques you described to regulate my mild depression. I can now "feel" a negative mood coming on... I also have taken St Johns Wort for the past couple of years, and I have had good luck with it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SnowFox Posted August 28, 2009 Share Posted August 28, 2009 Tennessee girl...I used many of the same techniques you described to regulate my mild depression. I can now "feel" a negative mood coming on... I also have taken St Johns Wort for the past couple of years, and I have had good luck with it. Cool! St. John's Wort - that is the one I forgot - I knew I was leaving something out! Its a great feeling when you get relief from that low grade depression- and when you can find supplements that work for you, isn't it? I kept trying to take regular fish oil for my depression but it never worked for me. One day, I was in a store and noticed that they sold Salmon Oil. I thought i would try it. Within 5 days of taking it, my mood got dramatically better!!! I was so happy that I found something that helped and is good for my overall health. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
not again Posted August 28, 2009 Share Posted August 28, 2009 Orlander im really sorry to hear after 4 years you still feel this way. I am 3 months out of my relationship and dont know how i will ever be able to love or care for another person the way i felt for my ex. I am pretty much in the state of mind where i think "im 27 and i have had my heart broken twice already in my lifetime. I dont ever plan on putting myself in that situation again". But back to you - Im my opinion (and other may not agree with me) i think you should contact your ex. Find out where she is in life. It will take away the 'what ifs' you currently have. You can be completely honest with her, lay it all out on the table. If she is still in a relationship and happy, at least you will know there is no turning back and you MUST move forward. Just my little piece of advice! Good luck.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie2006 Posted August 28, 2009 Share Posted August 28, 2009 so it's obvious I need to let it go and move on, right? Tell me why I haven't You've already admitted to holding your ex up on a pedestal and keeping mementos from your life with her. I'm probably stating the obvious and maybe I'm oversimplyfying things. BUT in my humble opinion, you "havent let it go and moved on" because you didnt want to and have not allowed yourself to -- i.e. whether or not you were conscious of the fact, it seems like you've made a decision to hold on and to render her the yardstick by which you measure all the subsequent (and various) women you met. Just a speculation but (aside from the fact that the relationship with her was the best and the most fulfilling) maybe it has something to do with the fact that she cut contact from your first and has not made any attempt to reconnect; hence your NOT knowing about her current life/thoughts might be what's fueling your inability to let her go? Or maybe it has to do with something else entirely. I am not saying that you should resort to some kind of aversion therapy and start trashing her BUT I do think you need to take off the rose-hued glasses and see her for who she really is/was -- she, without a doubt, was a wonderful, caring, giving, loving, beautiful person BUT was also someone who made rather unreasonable demands about YOUR choice of and degree of commitment to religion, someone who could be hypocritical at times, someone who was a bit passive-aggressive (if she was upset that you didnt propose and was questioning your commitment to her, why didnt she discuss it with you rather than taking the hurtful/destructive route of pulling the plug on the relationship?) and someone who ... (you fill in the blank). Now, I hope you dont feel as though I am attacking her in any way (if so, my apologies). I just hope you try to see her from a more balanced perspective and maybe, that will prove to be the first step in seeing her as a person in your past (and not your present), one former girlfriend, and NOT "the one who got away," nor the "biggest love of your life." Just my two cents. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Me and myself Posted August 28, 2009 Share Posted August 28, 2009 Im my opinion (and other may not agree with me) i think you should contact your ex. Find out where she is in life. It will take away the 'what ifs' you currently have. You can be completely honest with her, lay it all out on the table. If she is still in a relationship and happy, at least you will know there is no turning back and you MUST move forward. Just a speculation but (aside from the fact that the relationship with her was the best and the most fulfilling) maybe it has something to do with the fact that she cut contact from your first and has not made any attempt to reconnect; hence your NOT knowing about her current life/thoughts might be what's fueling your inability to let her go? Or maybe it has to do with something else entirely. I agree with these sentences. I only started to really let go when I saw her with a new bf. This was the turning point. Maybe you should find out how, where and with whom she is. The result will be ok in any case. M&M Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thornbirds18 Posted August 29, 2009 Share Posted August 29, 2009 I think that you are not alone. My ex went back to his ex and they separated for five years! It was a complete shock to me and now it's my turn to feel that I can't love again. I invested all my heart with him while I didn't have a clue about what is going on in his mind. At least you are honest to yourself! People are different, so don't feel bad just because you still hasn't let her go. I agree with others that it's more of a personal decision, instead of help from anybody else. But you have to realize that holding on the hope won't do you good unless she's on the same track as you. Take care. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orlander Posted August 29, 2009 Author Share Posted August 29, 2009 I agree with these sentences. I only started to really let go when I saw her with a new bf. This was the turning point. Maybe you should find out how, where and with whom she is. The result will be ok in any case. M&M Thank you, again everyone who has replied. I really appreciate the advice. I went through a massive depression period when after a year and half of being separated from her I found out online that she was engaged to someone she met around the time we were trying to work it out again. Apparently, she dated this person who proposed to her it would seem around 6 months after knowing her. He seemed to be a lot of what she had said she wanted. I didn't commit myself to the relationship with her and the religious differences helped facilitate the breakup. My ex became born again Christian and gave me the ultimatum to convert or it was over. I did not so... It's moot I would believe as even if she were somehow single now, we might still have the same issues as we did then...religious intolerance on her part. Though at times I had felt her newfound faith could have been brought on by her desire to move on from me and find her way in life. We did have issues in the relationship regarding religion but i never thought she would be the kind of person to change so much so quickly as to not accept me for who I am...when that was such a strong quality I admired in her when we were together. I don't want to know what she is doing. It's odd, but i kinda had a feeling that if anything happened to the relationship I had with her that it might just be my last. I think the qualities in a woman that i know i want are pretty much impossible to find now especially in this city. Before dating my ex i was still pretty immature and really just wanted someone decent who was really really attractive. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orlander Posted August 29, 2009 Author Share Posted August 29, 2009 You're absolutely correct. Though her actions towards the end of the relationship could be largely a reactionary stance towards my inability to commit on a more emotional level. I never told her that i was in love with her...and several times almost broke up with her for what I think now might have been stupid or silly reasons...or maybe not. Time blurs many things. Who she was at the end of the relationship was not who she was at the beginning. I'm just looking for someone who has most of the qualities she possessed and maybe some more that I wasnt aware that I wanted. But, I swear nearly every woman i have met that was single has issues that I just don't want to deal with. For instance, the last two women I have gone out with had issues I discovered. One was sometimes taking HGH and likely other steroids and the other didn't like to cuddle or kiss in bed or after sex. * * * ?!?! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orlander Posted August 29, 2009 Author Share Posted August 29, 2009 Hey Tennessee Girl, Thank you for the tips, really! I actually am in the gym 5 days a week. I'm out in the sun laying out a couple of days a week. I take vitamins and fish oil. I'm in very very good shape and am rocking the 6 pack abs. I enjoy getting up and going into clients office or doing work at bookstores or cafe. I'm free lance and own my own company. The work is good and I make good money. It's not a life's calling but it's something I have been working on for many years and i feel awful at times that I am not respecting it or enjoying/appreciating it more. I occupy myself during the day and most nights. However, when it's time for bed i have many problems. It takes me hours to fall asleep. My hours are all screwed up. It doesn't help being my own boss basically and making my own hours. I know priority should be getting on a better schedule and i'm working on it...it's just since i workout so much and eat right, I dont think i need as much sleep so only sleep about 5 hours a day...3 of which usually come in the form of a nap when i get back from the office. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orlander Posted August 29, 2009 Author Share Posted August 29, 2009 Ive been thinking about giving my ex's name to someone and having them look her up just so someone else knows about her. I know i'd never ask but it feels like it would make me feel a little better. I don't know. I've read some of you talk about knocking my ex off her pedestal and moving on...being happy with who I am and where I am. However, all my life i have wanted to meet the love of my life, get married and have children and regardless of how everything in my life might go, however successful it can or will be...i feel i can't be happy until my life's one real wish comes true. Besides, no one really wants to be alone, do they? They get emotionally closed off and it becomes harder to relate to people and find someone new...kinda like what has happened to me...and what's happened to both my parents. I may not do drugs, abuse alcohol or people or animals and I may be very physically healthy but im not living a healthy lifestyle at all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spec Posted August 29, 2009 Share Posted August 29, 2009 orlander...i totally empathise...i feel the same as you about wanting that one true love the guy i loved dearly and lived with for 6 years just walked out of my life out of the blue in november 2007....i worked hard to get myself out of depression....to change the way my mind thinks (because it got stuck in a rut of thinking the same thoughts)...to rebuild self-esteem and confidence.... i read a lot of spiritual and psychological books to help me and i haven't stopped doing so because i need to keep nourishing my spiritual and mental balance because otherwise the lack of love in my life could quickly bring me down but i intend to continue fighting it... some things that have really really helped me are: - google "positive aids to peace of mind"...you will find a very interesting document there that you could print and read over and over again with your morning coffee ...i have made them my ten commandments - google and download a free e-book called "how to be happy and have fun changing the world" ....it's a very short e-book which you could print....it so helped me change my patterns of thinking - if you manage to get your hands on a movie/documentary called "The Secret" watch it...alternatively, have a look at their website...google it, you'll find it all these things have really helped me....i am still single nearly two years later....a lot of it out of choice...because i got so incredibly hurt when he left me that i wanted to heal myself totally before finding my true love....and i really am healing....like you, i can't forget him and sometimes when i think of the day he left me and the months that i had to deal with afterwards, i still sob for the person who had her world destroyed.... but i am really a much stronger person and i really intend to be completely happy with myself before meeting someone else...i never again want my happiness to depend on someone although i am so ready to love again i hope for both of us that we will meet our true love....but in the meantime, we must really try and learn to love and be happy with ourselves... i also believe a lot in karma and try to accept whatever happened to me as karma that was due (somehow) and in the meantime i always try and be an even better person (and i am already a good person) so that i can cash in on good karma points in my next love relationship ;-) and i think i am really nearing this goal....by just going with the flow in my life....not trying to change, not trying to resist it, not opposing it....merely going with it....and it's incredible how life does open up before you and my faith in god, in the universe, whatever you want to call the higher power has increased tremendously..... good luck my dear friend....go with the flow and trust in god xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spec Posted August 29, 2009 Share Posted August 29, 2009 oh and p.s. my ex couldn't have children and i was always hoping to adopt two children with him...always wanted my own kids but i loved him lots and was ready to go down an alternative route...instead he left me...ironic, no? i am 37 years old and i know my days are very numbered... SO?? so nothing....whereas before this situation got me very down...today i just go with the flow....what's meant to be will be.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
longdist Posted August 29, 2009 Share Posted August 29, 2009 Orlander, It sounds like you had similar problems in your relationship as I did in mine. It's funny how you don't always appreciate the relationship while you are in it. I think certain cities can play a role in making things worse toward finding someone new. I currently live in a city where girls are drastically different from me and hope to move soon. Unfortunately, the city I'd like to move to is the same city where my ex lives and I feel like it would bring back far too many memories on me. How are your stress levels? That may be contributing to problems. Have you thought about looking for girls on the outskirts of Vegas? I know some great people that come from Nevada, but not right in the city of Vegas. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orlander Posted August 30, 2009 Author Share Posted August 30, 2009 thank you longdist. Vegas is a pit...would be fine for me if i were 21 but not now. There's so many 30k millionaires and single men in their 50's and 60's trying so hard to be cool and 30 again, it's sad. This city really is bad. I'm an east coast kind of guy, i guess. So many have tried to convince me to move to California to try it there but the women i have met here just seem different than from the east coast. Maybe it's just this city. spec, thank you for your post. I'll look into some of the things you have posted. I've read the Secret many times but it really didn't bring me great peace. Ugh! I really appreciate everyone's advice. I didn't expect this thread to get so much attention and feel somewhat guilty that you all have devoted so much time to my situation. I think i'll just help others out here for awhile and maybe some of the advice will rub off on me. Thanks again, everyone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soheartbroken Posted August 30, 2009 Share Posted August 30, 2009 Orlander, I really do wish the best for you. Healing just takes longer for some than for others. Don't stop seeking answers, and don't be afraid to see a new therapist (after all, sounds like you have the $$ for a good one!). You seem like a really kind and considerate person, who has his sh*t together. You've taken the time to respond to almost everyone's posts. You need someone who will appreciate that about you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JonasWaingaro Posted August 30, 2009 Share Posted August 30, 2009 Don't feel guilty. That's why Ena exists, to help people. This has been a good thread and I'm sure helpful to others. A lot of good info here. I've learned a couple things which will help me. In my book that makes a good thread. Keep posting. Keep helping. And keep working on it. You'll get there man. You're to on the ball not to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spec Posted August 30, 2009 Share Posted August 30, 2009 The Secret is not about bringing you peace...it's about you visualising your dreams and acting like you have them so i, for example, visualise being happy with a true love....without putting a face to it...just visualising the feelings of having it....true, it hasn't come yet...but the difference is that now i am enjoying the ride and i know that every step i take is bringing me closer to visualising my dream btw, i too live in a place where it's very difficult to find anyone decent....i live on a very small island and most people my age are married with kids....so difficult to find single people my age and when i do, they're not so interesting...BUT, at the end of the day, i really and truly believe that the right person will come along at the right time....after all, only ONE i need and that ONE will finally heal that little bit of pain/hurt that is left from my last relationship......and his presence in my life will help to finally get rid of all the memories i still am attached to from my previous relationship it will come...it will come....and for you too Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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