Mavh25 Posted August 26, 2009 Share Posted August 26, 2009 Why do people always ask about the father when a woman is in an age gap relationship? its a bit unfair to assume woman have "daddy" issues just cos she happened to start dating an older man. How big does the gap have to be to make these assumptions? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hockeyboy Posted August 26, 2009 Share Posted August 26, 2009 How big does the gap have to be to make these assumptions? Well, I don't think Annie made any assumptions...she asked the OP the question. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BusyNAbroad Posted August 26, 2009 Share Posted August 26, 2009 xJessibel, the title of the thread reminded me of something that happened to me - in fact, a girl I was in a kind of relationship with (19) actually was secretly with a married man (48-49) behind my back. It was so far the most traumatic experience of my life as you may find by reading some of my older threads (though I have mostly got over with it now). This is what I will say: as long as no third parties are hurt by what you choose to do, it's totally fine. By third parties I mean... - is he married? - are you hurting anyone else by being in this relationship? (e.g. are you leading on other guys your age while having the 48-yr old man?) Those, perhaps, you should try to minimize. I'd be curious what you decide to undertake. I'm also really curious about how this man is. Like, is he quite popular, or was he popular in the past? Any special features? I'm asking out of mere curiosity, sometimes to put some peace into my heart so I can accept and understand why once a girl illtreated me so harshly to stay with him... but that has nothing to do with you, mind you. Good luck whatever happens Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mavh25 Posted August 26, 2009 Share Posted August 26, 2009 Well, I don't think Annie made any assumptions...she asked the OP the question. I did'nt say Annie made an assumption, I was curious as to why people do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hockeyboy Posted August 26, 2009 Share Posted August 26, 2009 I did'nt say Annie made an assumption, I was curious as to why people do. Gotcha. I don't know the statistics. Do most women who date men that much older have a strained relationship with their father? I'm not pysch major, nor do I know the numbers, but I wouldn't be surprised if they do. Just to be clear though, that's a guess on my part. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Perfect Dark Posted August 26, 2009 Share Posted August 26, 2009 The appeal of an older man is the safety of never having to worry ever again financially. That is NOT always the case, do not stereotype. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mavh25 Posted August 26, 2009 Share Posted August 26, 2009 Yeah I disagree Gratsy, I'm with an older man (not 20 years older, but still).. not cos of his money. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hockeyboy Posted August 26, 2009 Share Posted August 26, 2009 Can we have a discussion without throwing around insults? All the leads to is getting a thread closed and ruining it for everybody. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hockeyboy Posted August 26, 2009 Share Posted August 26, 2009 Guess we cannot Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SapphireNoir10 Posted August 26, 2009 Share Posted August 26, 2009 Moderators Note: Please don't turn this into an argument or the thread will be closed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Perfect Dark Posted August 26, 2009 Share Posted August 26, 2009 Yeah I disagree Gratsy, I'm with an older man (not 20 years older, but still).. not cos of his money. Mine is older too and I earn my own money; I like to be independent. That's why that post offended me. OP- I hope it works out for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sparkly Eyes Posted August 26, 2009 Share Posted August 26, 2009 Your intelligence with a 48 year old is on the same level???!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lights Posted August 26, 2009 Share Posted August 26, 2009 The main reason I couldn't commit myself to a relationship/marriage with someone this much older than me is because the future will be filled with complications. When you are his age, he will be almost 80. If you have a child with him, will you be prepared to do the physical tasks of raising that child IF he is unable because of his age at the time? I agree with the others, that if this is something that truly makes you happy, then good for you. Everyone deserves that. But it's easy to get wrapped up and fall in love before you think of what could happen 10 years or 15 years down the line. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
teabee Posted August 27, 2009 Share Posted August 27, 2009 I'm in a similar age gap relationship. I'm 20 and he's 50. We are going on 4 months, but we became good friends over the course of a year before we started talking about something more. I have only told a handful of people because I know not everyone will be supportive, and I don't need to complicate this with the judgments of friends and family who don't approve. Most people simply don't understand--some of the responses on this forum are evidence enough of that! Relationships with a large age gap probably wouldn't sit well with me either, it's only that I stumbled into one myself and can feel that there's nothing wrong about it. In fact it's been better than a lot of the relationships I see my friends in. In my opinion, a lot of relationship woes arise from one or both partners being unable to communicate, being inconsiderate, or failing to understand their own emotional selves (for example, feeling hurt and lashing out to hurt your SO's feelings in return). Through being with an older man, I feel like I've skipped from elementary school to university in terms of my own learning and personal growth. I read issues on ENA or listen to my friends talk about their relationships, and I can't tell you how grateful I am that I am learning how to be a good partner in a healthy relationship. In my opinion, people are people. I can't get along with everyone my age, and I can't get along with everyone my SO's age, but there are people throughout every age group that I can genuinely connect with and relate to. As far as maturity goes, it's not like someone who is 40 is 2x as mature as someone who is 20. Age and experience don't guarantee maturity, just as youth and inexperience don't guarantee immaturity. People can match up in maturity and personality all accross ages. As for the future, I can't speak for other age gap relationships, but I suspect my own relationship is ultimately doomed! 30 years difference is a lot, and we joke about how it's like loving someone with a terminal illness. We are enjoying the time we have now to the fullest, but we don't see the wisdom in doing any serious planning for the future. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
teabee Posted August 27, 2009 Share Posted August 27, 2009 For the OP, I'm curious about how friends and family are coming to accept it. One friend I've told strongly objects, and nothing I've said has convinced her that this relationship is good for me. It's clearly hard for a lot of people to get over the age difference and see the relationship for what it is. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xJessibel Posted August 28, 2009 Author Share Posted August 28, 2009 There have been a lot of responses to this post since I've last been on here and I'm not going to take the time to respond to each of them either. But, there are a few that stick out to me. Worriedgirl -- Just because we can relate on an intellectual level doesn't mean he is not that intelligent or that doesn't mean I'm extremly smart. It just meant that our intelligence levels are not too far apart that it annoys one or the other. Teabee -- I loved hearing your story and I wish you luck with your relationship. I totally agree that I didn't go looking for this... it just sort of happened. Just like you, we were friends for two years before we started dating or the notion even popped into our minds. He went from someone I could talk to, to someone I could love and enjoy being around. Good luck, again. =) As for everyone else, I appreciate your opinions and I appreciate your point of view but my ideas or thoughts on the matter haven't changed. =) I wanted to share my story to show that there can be success storys out there, even if it has only been 4 months. We're not making any plans for the future but I really don't forsee this ending any time soon either. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xJessibel Posted August 28, 2009 Author Share Posted August 28, 2009 For the OP, I'm curious about how friends and family are coming to accept it. One friend I've told strongly objects, and nothing I've said has convinced her that this relationship is good for me. It's clearly hard for a lot of people to get over the age difference and see the relationship for what it is. Family strongly objected at first. In fact, my mother disowned me. But, now she is accepting it and my father has even gone as far as to tell me he has no issues with it. He told me as long as I am happy and he doesn't abuse me, he doesn't care. My mother still has issues with it but she is coming along. Most of my friends don't agree with it, but they haven't put up any strong objections. They have all told me that as long as I am happy, that is all that matters. They all accept my situation and me for what it is. It hasn't affected my relationship with anyone at this point. Besides my family at first, everything is going smoothly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsallgrand Posted August 28, 2009 Share Posted August 28, 2009 I don't understand the point of this thread. "keep the faith" "you can do it"?! sort of thing. Look at me - I'm a tale of success?! It's only a few months and already your family went into upheaval over it. You sound incredibly naive to me. I wish you the best. I just don't agree with the sentiment behind this thread - that it's a good thing and that 20 plus age gaps where one partner is not even out of her teen years is a thing to be celebrated. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RomanticAthart Posted August 28, 2009 Share Posted August 28, 2009 You know.. though it seems that society "frowns" on large age gap relationships, no one actually KNOWS when a person will live to. I had a friend, whose mom was a widow at 38, her husband, 3 years older, died at 40.. so you cannot say what someone will live to. Your lover may well live into his 90s.. You may not live past 50... who is to say? That being said... what draws someone to another person is not the year they came upon this planet, it is what is in their heart, and attraction. That can still be a draw whether you are 19 or 90.. There are certainly people in their 70s who are still attractive, and people in their 30s who are no longer attractive. I think the fact that you were friends first is a good thing.. You can say it is a weird thing to be attracted to someone 30 years younger or older, but that person has a right to happiness, and if their lover happens to be 30 years older or younger, whose business is it anyway? I wish people would mind their own business.. If you are both single then i do not see the problem in it.. it is your life.. no one else;s. Just like I have to scratch my head and wonder why society always makes it such an issue that younger men in their 30s couldn;t be interested in a woman in her late 30s or mid to late 40s.. what does it have to do with THEM? People need to find more positive ways to use their time, other than looking down their nose cuz someone;s lover doesn;t conform to what is considered an "acceptable" age!# Good luck to you & your bf OP! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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