LillyLooWho Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 Sounds like he's got a little bit of a big head about this. I know you're upset. I would be too. You might need to stop talking to him for awhile to get yourself feeling more in control. It might be better to tell him, when he calls, that you don't want him to call you again. It's your call but if this back and forth is too upsetting to you, you might be better off closing off communication until you heal. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Singler Posted September 11, 2009 Author Share Posted September 11, 2009 We spoke yesterday, the conversation was initiated by him and was intense. He said to me that I have to forgive myself for the things that were done in the relationship and I should forgive him because he knows he wasn't the best and he did things wrong as well. He said that I am my own worst enemy and I should try and be positive. All the phone calls and everything after he broke up with me justified why he broke up with me, he called it harassment. He said he told me to give him space and its what he needs because he lost alot of feelings due to the arguing. He said if I were to ask him if we could get back together today he would not come back. He said he knows feelings change and he cannot come back now but one day we would have a better chance. He said he is not the type to work on something like arguing cause he does not need it in his life. He said he only went on a lunch date it was only lunch there is no other woman, he did not leave me for someone else. He also explained to me that I did not understand when he said he had to get off the phone when he was at work and when he said he was too tired to sleep over because he gets out of work at 1130pm and had to leave my place at 530am to be home in time to get the kids to school...he said in the beginning he thought he could handle it but it just wore him down and he expected that i would understand. but at that point i was so stressed i could not think about him in the right way to understand things... He was chasing me when we first meet literally calling me 3 times a day, I was 8 months out of a relationship with my ex of 11 years and I met him... they were both scorpio, both italian but my recent ex was nice and I thought different and I loved the fact he wanted me so bad. but arguements started happening due to stress in my life (sold my business to ex, trying to find a job,etc) I would call him just laying negative convo and vibes on him. Not all the things that were said were negative, but I know he does not like arguing or confrontation and he responds to it with the "just F**K it" attitude... I feel like all chances are down the drain...but I still have hope....any advice? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lonewing Posted September 12, 2009 Share Posted September 12, 2009 ... I'm thinking Proverb... Let the drain clear. Pull the chain and let the toilet flush. The water will be clear soon enough, just let the toilet do it's work peacefully. If the first flush is not enough, flush again. Let it go, the water will be clear. If the bowl refuses to empty itself, get the plunger and push it through. Flush again,a nd may the water be clear. And if it still refuses to go down, call the plumber and give him your blessing to replace the whole failing system all the way out the city pipe - may the waters be clear! Work on yourself while you're in this lull. The next one will be better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
doiiiieeezie Posted September 12, 2009 Share Posted September 12, 2009 Let him breathe. It's easy to get caught up in arguments and it takes time for someone that is still unsure of where things are going to ignore the past while working on the present and future. Many a time exes move on because it is easier to start anew with someone who will make them feel completely better. The issues may remain the same, but it is a release from the past is what's needed. I think he was open to seeing what happened but nothing really changed. It went too fast. Either way, you need to let go. Let go of the hurt you still have and the accusations you may have given to him. I know it's hard, your wall is up. Who knows about having another chance. Right now, you need to regain control and re-date yourself. Focus on you! You do deserve it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnny_five Posted September 12, 2009 Share Posted September 12, 2009 I'm in the same situation Singler... My ex keeps telling me she needs "time" and that she's "scared." I on the other hand am getting frustrated by the thoughts that "If you really cared this wouldn't be so hard," so many she doesn't care. Maybe she's just keeping me around until something better comes along. Maybe when she gets better she'll just move on. She leaves me with insecurities, mistrust, anxiety, confusion, eagerness. Everyone here seems to be offering the advice of "give them time" but man it's so hard when it feels like you're being used, tossed around, saved for a rainy day. I'm trying to be understanding of her situation but I'm done giving away myself. So I know what you're going through Singler. I'm one step behind you right now... my ex hasn't cut me out with a speech yet, but it's close. I've already placed the pressure there and she has already acknowledged that she needs to come to a resolution soon. This weekend will be grand. Good luck to each day we walk accross. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Singler Posted September 13, 2009 Author Share Posted September 13, 2009 Thanks for all the advice and comments, I do know I need a lot of changing to do for myself in order to be happy and one thing I have to do is get rid of negativity, especially from my sister. I have decided to move from the apartment I was born in and came back to after the ex b4 this one left me, I need to grow and take time to see what I want. If him and I ever get back it will be a bonus but the last few posts made to me I agree with and felt a lot while reading it.......... In my attempts to work things out I continued the same behavior for which he left me because. He also said to me that his family thinks I am like his ex behavior wise... I am not he knows it but he lost a lot of respect from his family when he marriewd his ex and gained it back after the divorce, so he probably might not want to go against them so I guess that is another reason why he can't be with me. Maybe in time he will change his mind but I will not wait. I know how he is and I know that he does love me he said he just can't be in a relationship with me right now because we handle things differently. I don't know if staying in the picture is right but nc isn't right because he will never see me growing so I don't know what the next step will be...sorry for the long post its been a while since I posted and I needed to let it all out... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
realreality Posted September 13, 2009 Share Posted September 13, 2009 From what i understand you were in a long term relationship that did not work our for reasons you did not specify. then you get into a new one which lasts eight months and the two of you break up because you treat him like the eqvilanet of sh*t? the only time i understand that you were happy was when he was pursuing you and you felt like a queen with him painting your apt, buying some sort of fizz drink, and whatever else he did oh yes get you roses. i mean who wouldn't want that? i know i would love it but you made him turn into this by not showing him affection. what is a fire without warmth? it is like sex with out affection. it seems that you argue more than he liked and i would bet that it was because he is some way reminded you of your ex-you did say that they were both the same sign and nationality? perhaps you were disgusted by this and have not realized it. if this is not true then also, i will venture to say that you seem to place your blame for the relationship's failure on outside things such as a failed business, finding employment and whatever else, i think one of our collegues here got it right the best when they said "use this time to work on yourself instead of lulling in the relationship. i see that in most postings here it takes two to tango but with yours you seem to be the one who has enjoyed when the table was turned to their benefit and the other person was suffering. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
realreality Posted September 13, 2009 Share Posted September 13, 2009 I like your proverbs!!! Can anyone say magic blue?? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LillyLooWho Posted September 13, 2009 Share Posted September 13, 2009 Realreality - no, I don't think Singler didn't give her ex affection or love. Of course she loved it when he was being nice to her. Who wouldn't? I think you are being too hard on her. She points out the problems because that is what she wants help with on this forum. To post a story that is all roses and rainbows wouldn't help her. We'd all be like, what's the problem? So the focus on the problems doesn't mean that that is all the relationship was about. It takes two to argue and there is never a situation (IMO) where one person is a complete angel and the other is all wrong. Singler, just remember this: IF and when he is ready he will come back to you. Leave him to ponder his decision without your influence, whether good or bad. Go out and live your life. I'm going to go to a lake today and read a book. I'm tired of staying in bed. And I'm tired of hoping and waiting for something that may or may not happen. I know it is unbelievable that this has happened to you, but it has I wish there really was some kind of behavior that we could do that would give us certain results but that aint how it works. The best advice on here (and the hardest!) is to just leave them alone. They have to come to a conclusion about their decision. Most of them already have and they are happy with it. Others need time to realize they made a mistake. Your involvement in this process just muddies the water, so back off and do anything else but call him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Singler Posted September 13, 2009 Author Share Posted September 13, 2009 Realreality your opinion is harsh but I can take the criticism... I did not think I deserved a man who was so good, my ex of 11 years cheated on me constantly, he broke me down and when I finally asked him to leave I was free and took the time to move on but it was hard doing that when I lived in the same apartment that held so many bad memories, I called it my dungeon. With the 9 month ex I fell in love with him, I was happy but then my mother put prressure on me and a od of it she wanted to make sure I could stand on my own 2 feet before she died, she has the last stage of breast cancer and is on the last pill form of chemo before she gives up the fight. So I held a lot of feelings inside that just boiled up and burst and he got the worst of it. Not only did I fall in love with him but his 3 kids. After the divorce he moved back in with his parents because of his work schedule. It felt like I was in jr high, from the start I had to get to know all of them plus who ever else he asked me to meet, and I did it because I saw him and I knew he was the one for me, we both did things for eachother, sometimes I did too much thinking that since he ex never did these things he would appreciate it. I have no real support from family, both my parents have cancer, I grew up dealing with pain and I am strong but when it comes to putting down my wall and letting love in, I am not experienced. So I come here to this website to get opinions from all of you. Right now I don't know what else to say, I made a mistake it can't be fixed and I can't force him. I know he noticed that his ex changed so he allows her to see the kids more, she is happily married, so if he could see the change in her one day he might see it in me....so I'm taking all the steps I have to to do it for myself which includes selling my 2 carat custom tacori engagement ring in order to move and begin living! That's all for now, thanks lily for you support. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LillyLooWho Posted September 14, 2009 Share Posted September 14, 2009 Singler, so sorry to hear about your parents. When you are going through the things you are going through, of course your feelings and actions are not always your best. I have been through this too. You do not have to defend your actions here. You keep posting if it makes you feel even 1% better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Singler Posted September 14, 2009 Author Share Posted September 14, 2009 Thank you, yes it does suck, but I have been so strong in my life with things. But with my recent ex I am so sad because I should have known better and now its like he is willing to help me move but won't go as far as to talk about the relationship and things like that and it makes me feel like there is not hop. I am actually moving about 20 miles near him and he is liek maybe we will bump into eachother at the mall... I said yeah like we were going to bump into eachother here in Queens...(he has no reason to ever be in my boro) so I know right now he is hurt and I cant push or pressure but the fact that he still is helping me move and bringing me stuff to move with. I know that sunday he is coming to help me pack... he is bringing his kids, his oldest daughter may talk to me (I miss his kids so much!!!!) I want to be in their life but don't know if by being friends with him it will ruin any chances for more....Do I just go with the flow? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LillyLooWho Posted September 14, 2009 Share Posted September 14, 2009 Singler, There is no one right answer. I wish I could tell you what to do to get him back but if I knew that, I would apply it to my own situation. Well, I would have before, now I am just trying to move on. Sometimes we are blinded by the short-term happiness of seeing them, when it might be better in the long run to not see them. I understand he is going to help you move and you probably need the help. I would say to just follow his lead and not bring up any sensitive subjects. I mean you could of course, but then you open the possibility of hearing things you don't want to hear. It is better to leave that can of worms closed at least for right now. Unless he brings it up and even then I would be mostly quiet and listen to what he says. I hope it goes well for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lavender25 Posted September 14, 2009 Share Posted September 14, 2009 I agree with Lilly. Don't bring it up, but also don't expect him to either. I remember other times when my ex and I were broken up and I always thought he would start talking about the relationship and when he never did I just got so frustrated. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Singler Posted September 15, 2009 Author Share Posted September 15, 2009 Well, I just found out he has been talking to this girl since june, so I am in the anger stage now....so F him. I want nothing to do with him. Let's see how long he , his old a** mercedes and this girl will last. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lavender25 Posted September 15, 2009 Share Posted September 15, 2009 I'm sorry hun. Do you know how serious it is? How did you find out? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Singler Posted September 15, 2009 Author Share Posted September 15, 2009 they are just seeing eachother, nothing serious. he told me, we are at the point where there is zero chance and I just hate him. Now there is nothing else I can do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Singler Posted September 15, 2009 Author Share Posted September 15, 2009 She is going through a divorce, she is a friend from around town who called him needing car help and they went out to lunch. They are taking it slow, he sees potential in her and I guess he wants to see if things can work out between the two of them. I guess when there is another woman involved there is nothing else that can be done. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lavender25 Posted September 15, 2009 Share Posted September 15, 2009 Yeah. Time to fall back now. Remember that "rebound relationship" thread... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LillyLooWho Posted September 15, 2009 Share Posted September 15, 2009 Anger can be helpful to get past the relationship. That is what my therapist said today, among other things... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Singler Posted September 15, 2009 Author Share Posted September 15, 2009 he said they are taking it slow, he also said you need to give me time to see what I want, alot of things have changed for me in my life (his fam just got awarded millions in a lawsuit) I read a post on love shack (.) org where the guy told the girl he never wanted to speak to her, and was seeing someone else so she did no contact and he called her and said he wanted to work things out and slowly they got back together. It was nice to see that it is possible. but I don't see how it is possible for someone to miss someone when they are seeing someone else, is it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
doiiiieeezie Posted September 15, 2009 Share Posted September 15, 2009 It is possible. However, you need to stop focusing on him... because I really do think that he still has feelings for you but you are pushing him away. The girl he is interested in is a rebound on both sides. It won't last. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Singler Posted September 15, 2009 Author Share Posted September 15, 2009 ok so NC....i might see him tonight for the last time he is bringing me tape and garbage bags from his job, he may come if he doesn't make other plans with his guy friend (or so he says) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Singler Posted September 15, 2009 Author Share Posted September 15, 2009 Ok so I signed up on a dating site, feeling nervous but I'm gonna give it a try. A few people sent me messages one I am feeling so far but the rest remains to be seen. I am in the angry stage and last time I got to this stage I signed up for a dating site, me and my first ex almost got back together but by then it was too late on my end, so wish me luck, I will keep every posted and stay strong dumpees, the dumpers sont often react to weakness... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LillyLooWho Posted September 15, 2009 Share Posted September 15, 2009 yay for you! I think it is a good step. I am going to do this too (even though I have a terrible haircut). At some point we have to get on with things. The exs are still there but not right up in the front of our head taking up valuable space. Post about how it goes. Wishing you much luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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