avman Posted August 23, 2009 Share Posted August 23, 2009 I'm not sure where in Minnesota you are but in the county I work with we use Wilder Programs to help kids with a lot of these kinds of tricky issues. link removed They tend to specialize in these hard to treat situations. You might ask her counselor if there is a different program that would maybe benefit your entire family to help you all get through this together. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LonelyMoondancer Posted August 23, 2009 Share Posted August 23, 2009 First of all, I'm really sorry about what you're going through with your children. I couldn't imagine, but I'm sure it's been awful to deal with so far. Your stepdaughter definitely needs more counselling than what she's receiving right now. Once every couple of weeks is definitely not sufficient; it's just not frequent enough. Both girls really, have been through pretty crappy situations and need help. I'm not sure I have any breakthrough suggestions other than to keep at it and be patient with your stepdaughter. Also, I don't doubt that you love your stepdaughter, as you've already made it clear that you care about her. But is it possible that you treat her differently from your daughter? I know that the situation is that your stepdaughter hurt your daughter, and in turn you're hurting and disappointed in your stepdaughter. And you've mentioned that your stepdaughter probably senses some type of resentment. Honestly, sometimes that's everything. Not that I'm excusing your stepdaughter, but she's been through total hell, and she's just a little girl herself. Is she close with her biological mother? It must be hard for her- you and your husband have one another, and you've got daughters connected to the both of you. It seems like your own daughter is your main priority right now, understandably. I don't know if you consider your stepdaughter like your own daughter or not since I'm not too sure of the whole family situation, but that can really hurt a kid's self-esteem- to live amongst that. Maybe think, if the situation were reversed and your own daughter had molested your stepdaughter, would you be feeling the same way? Or would you realize that your daughter did it because she herself is confused and hurting and in need of love and attention? I don't mean to sound accusing, but I think it's important to think about. Some bonding time with your stepdaughter could really make a huge difference if that's on the back burner right now. You mention how she lost your baseball mitt and constantly loses your things- annoying I know, but that's an entirely separate issue. Maybe it stems from her anger, but focus on one thing at a time. Probably not a good idea to think of petty little annoyances of hers which could build up resentment towards her- that's not what either of you needs right now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brokenpogostick Posted August 24, 2009 Author Share Posted August 24, 2009 Thanks for the link, Avman. I sent an email to the lady on the front page requesting more information. My husband and I do random checks of my stepdaughter's room since we found the knife in April. Today, we found the usual stuff - TONS of candy and food wrappers hidden in purses, closets and now even her bed. She used to be horribly overweight until I entered the picture and helped to sort out her nutrition. She's been stowing away food for years and we haven't been able to help her stop. We also found the usual numerous pairs of feces stained underwear hidden in a purse. She had previously told us that she was not doing this anymore. I'm afraid this is a sign of a fall-back There were things she stole from family members which is pretty normal for her too, but there were CDs that don't belong to anyone in the house. I'm not sure where they came from, but I can only speculate that they are either from a friend of hers or god forbid a store She hasn't been on the internet at home in many months because our desktop PC is having issues and my husband and I don't let the kids use our laptops. But, she has been going to friends houses a lot lately. We found a piece of paper that had an email address on it that had something to do with a gothic tinkerbell and a password for facebook! What a shock. We wouldn't let her make a facebook page at 11 years old. We are thinking that it's time to put a limit on going to friend's houses We checked the email address and it's got all kinds of chats and emails about dildos and more than a few cuss words. We were appalled! I really didn't think that this girl would do something like this. She never talks like that at home - ever! I'm not sure what to think. Aside from the email/facebook thing the rest of things are pretty typical and don't get me too upset. However, we did find a teddy bear that looked like it had been stabbed and had the stuffing pulled halfway out of it's chest. Freaky. But, even more concerning than that...we found a lighter hidden in a purse in the back of her closet We didn't find anything that had been burned so I'm afraid either she's smoking (at 11!!!!!!), hurting herself or well, I have no idea. I'm concerned that perhaps she's going to get pissed off one day and start the house on fire. She's getting to be that unpredictable. She's coming home from visiting her grandparents tomorrow and my husband and I will speak to her about these issues. We are going to bring them up with her counselor as well. I'm so concerned about her and what she may do to herself or someone else. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jackie100 Posted August 24, 2009 Share Posted August 24, 2009 I don't have a lot of experience with these situations, since I'm not married and I don't have kids and don't want any but IF I had kids my #1 priority would be to protect my own daughter. I don't know if this sounds way too harsh or out of line but I would seriously consider divorcing my husband and living somewhere separately with my daughter. If it was your husband molesting your daughter (his stepdaughter) you would most likely not put up with it and he would be put in prison if convicted and he would never be allowed to live in your house again with you and your daughter. Even though the sex offender is a child and it's therefore not appropriate to send her to prison, she is STILL a sex offender. My first instinct would be to protect my OWN daughter and if the husband is complacent and more likely to protect HIS own daughter (the offender) I would kick them both to the curb and live somewhere else with my child. Your first instinct should always be to protect your own child. In a way you are picking your husband over your own daughter because you're allowing him to be complacent and not really do anything about it. You should always pick your own child even over your new husband if her safety is at risk. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
needadvice911 Posted August 24, 2009 Share Posted August 24, 2009 I never said that she was yelled at because she misplaced the glove. She will need to find it or replace it. That simple. It was just an example of the petty crap that we deal with on a daily basis. Anyone would get frustrated and tired of dealing with similar issues over a period of time. I am not a perfect parent and never will be. I'm not a professional and I'm making mistakes. I came on here for advice from others who may have been in the same situation or something similar. I didn't come on here to get slammed or threatened to go to jail. I am not a perfect parent and never will be. I'm not a professional and I'm making mistakes. I came on here for advice from others who may have been in the same situation or something similar. I didn't come on here to get slammed or threatened to go to jail. I am veryyyy sorry and I apologize. I was out of line for saying that I got into a heated discussion with someone else. I'm so sorry and I admit I should have asked more questions before judging. I did not mean to make you feel worst. I am truly sorry. And I have thought about it. I have a son of my own, and I couldn't even imagine something like that happening. I feel awful for judging so quickly this is something I will work on but I truly am sorry. But I did read the last post you posted.. and was wondering, Do you think maybe she needs to be evaluated by a psychologist? Do you think there could be a mental disorder? I don't mean to go to the extreme, but sometimes abuse can do things like this. The knives, the feces stained underwear's in the purse, the molesting and then possibly smoking or having sex. How does she behave at her grandparents house? How many times does she go there? Is it possible that the discipline you give her at your house is not followed through at her grandparents house? I agree with everyone else. You sound like superwomen, and dad is working and leaving it to you. He could be stressed out as well and maybe he feels like he doesn't know how to deal with the situation because he has a daughter. He could feel like you are a woman so you can deal with it better then he can. I don't think he's avoiding the situation on purpose, but maybe he just doesn't realize how much it is affecting you. I definitely think this is something he should deal with a lot more. Since he is a man he could possibly enforce discipline much better. Children sometimes listen more to the opposite sex. Maybe she needs more attention from her dad. You could also recommend writing. Have her start a diary. Writing is therapeutic for some people. But definitely hide all the knives you have in the house, if she is stabbing bears, I truly think more visits to a therapist or psychologist should be involved. What if she decides to stab your daughter herself or you? I see why you are concerned. Does she communicate with you well? Is she open to discussing her feelings to you, or does she seem numb? Does she cry or get angry in front of you? Does she seem sorry when she does things wrong? If not I would definitely be concerned. If she doesn't react to being discipline or doesnt feel sorry when she knows she has done something wrong or seems to show no emotions their really could be something going on with her mentally. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mgirl Posted August 25, 2009 Share Posted August 25, 2009 She knows how horrible it is to be abused and yet she did that to someone else. She knowingly put another person through the worst possible pain that anyone could suffer. I don't feel sorry for her at all. I wouldn't let her anywhere near my daughter, my home, or myself. She's a freakin' child! She might not now any better... I agree with Sunflower's comments. Whilst this has happened to your daughter, it is very sad indeed for your stepdaughter. Imho, the child that acts out the most is the one who needs the most help. Not a professional opinion, just a personal opinion... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brokenpogostick Posted August 25, 2009 Author Share Posted August 25, 2009 Do you think maybe she needs to be evaluated by a psychologist? Do you think there could be a mental disorder? How does she behave at her grandparents house? How many times does she go there? Is it possible that the discipline you give her at your house is not followed through at her grandparents house? You could also recommend writing. Have her start a diary. Does she communicate with you well? Is she open to discussing her feelings to you, or does she seem numb? Does she cry or get angry in front of you? Does she seem sorry when she does things wrong? I definitely think she needs a psychiatric evaluation just to see what the heck is going on in her head and why she would do such strange and random things. She is good, but manipulative at her grandparents house. For instance, if she wants something she'll get upset and cry - keep in mind, she's 11. She has them totally duped. They are having trouble acknowledging that any of this stuff has happened. Discipline in definitely not followed through at the grandparents house, but she only goes there maybe once per summer so it's not a huge deal. Her counselor gave her a journal to write in, but she's only made a couple entries. She should probably be writing a lot more. She used to communicate with my husband and I well, but has clammed up lately. She does seem very numb and doesn't seem sorry when she does things wrong. In fact, a few weeks ago she was in trouble for stealing again and my husband broke down & started to cry because he's fed up. Usually, she would be in tears as well because her Dad used to be everything to her, but she just sat there with a blank expression on her face and watched him cry. It was sickening She rarely cries or gets angry - I think she holds it all in which is no good. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
needadvice911 Posted August 25, 2009 Share Posted August 25, 2009 I think this is great advice! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brokenpogostick Posted August 26, 2009 Author Share Posted August 26, 2009 thank you needadvice911. has something new happened? where is the child's mother now? where is the abuser bf or any other bf. are people telling her that her mother is evil or bad. are people telling her how she must feel - or listening to her tell how she does feel. there is a thread running on another forum that would help you so so much. it would also add to your extremly over burdened plate. if you want me to pm the details i will but it really will add to your troubles but give you an insight to help your (can your think of her as your daughter- how does that feel) step daughter. are you the only person trying to help her. her mummy let her down she broke her daddy and now step mum who reported mummy is the only one she has. Nothing new has happened other than her dad and I talking to her about the things that she had hidden in her room and the stealing, etc. Her mother is not allowed to have any contact with her because of the abuse. In December of 2007 we went to court and the court decided that the mother could have supervised visitation. That was for a duration of 1 year. The mother refused. We went back to court in December of 2008 to have the court review the case and the mother didn't bother to show up. The order for protection and no contact between the mother and my stepdaughter was renewed for 2 years. We will be going back to court in December of 2010 to see where it all goes from there. So, my stepdaughter has not seen her mother in almost 2 years. She doesn't cry or get upset that she doesn't see her. She is disappointed that her mom would make such poor choices. She says that she misses her mom, but is scared to see her because of the abuse she suffered previously. As far as I know, the person that did this to her (the sexual abuse) is a long gone boyfriend, but he may still live in the town her mother does. We have never told her how to feel about her mom. We've just given her the facts and let her surmise her own opinion good or bad. We've never said anything derogatory about her mother in front of her either. She doesn't talk much about how she feels, but even if she did, we wouldn't tell her what she should be thinking or how she should feel. She's 11, she can feel however she wants. I am the one that is helping her the most because I spend the most time with her on a daily basis. Her dad is willing to pitch in when needed, but he doesn't take an active role. That's something that we are talking about fixing right now. I think that would take a lot off my plate if he were to take charge a bit more. Her counselor and a family therapist are also helping. Her grandparents are in denial and so are my parents in a way. So, it's basically my husband and I and a few counselors. Lord help us Please PM that other thread. We can use any help we can get. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LonelyMoondancer Posted September 3, 2009 Share Posted September 3, 2009 How are things lately brokenpogostick? Any improvement? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brokenpogostick Posted September 4, 2009 Author Share Posted September 4, 2009 Unfortunately, we haven't seen much improvement, if any. With another room search we found a letter written to her grandmother saying that she knows she shouldn't do something, but she does it anyway. We spoke to a guardian ad litem who suggested that we get her away from the other children for now to protect them and get her into an intensive residential treatment program. We have an appointment with social services this afternoon to see what's going on. We have looked at a very reputable residential treatment facility and it seems like a perfect fit for her situation. Our insurance pays 100% which is even better. I'll post an update either later this afternoon or this weekend. Thank you to everyone who shared their views, opinions and insights. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trezz Posted September 4, 2009 Share Posted September 4, 2009 i hope this is a healing experience for all of your children, yourself and husband. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lady00 Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 Does the counselor specialize in helping abuse victims? Is she addressing the root causes of the bad behavior of your stepdaughter or is she focusing more on the symptoms (the behavioral problems such as stealing and lying)? I could be wrong, but there seems to be an overriding theme of punishment when perhaps what is needed is a different approach. Not being a psychologist, I don't know much about this stuff but I would guess that your stepdaughter's behavior now probably is directly related to the abuse she suffered and so perhaps that root cause need to be addressed, rather than addressing the behavior through punishment (especially if the punishment isn't working). I understand that you are angry at your stepdaughter and you have every reason to be. But that may also mean that you are not in the best position to approach this in a different manner (one that may not be punishment-oriented) and maybe need even more help from a third party who is not as close to the situation and does not feel anger toward your stepdaughter. Perhaps if she were approached as a victim, rather than as a predator by a third party, on a more regular basis, that person could really get at the root causes of the current behavior and help put a stop to it. I do not think that this child should be continually punished in a particular manner if that is not achieving any change in her behavior. Doing the same thing over and over again and not getting any results is bound to be incredibly frustrating for you as a parent and it's unlikely to be helping her. My first thought when I read that your stepdaughter was abused was "oh my gosh, what a horrible thing, she needs compassion and understanding." I also feel horrible for your daughter. But I don't think your stepdaughter is a villain in this like some may believe. I think she is a victim, a child, who behaved in an inappropriate manner and did something which she may not have fully understood, and something she was probably introduced to by her abuser(s). It saddens me that your husband is not more involved and even suggested sending her to military school (IMO and abused child does not need military school but a lot of love, compassion, and professional therapy). I am not excusing or condoning any of your stepdaughter's behavior. She has done wrong, made bad decisions and she probably understands that to an extent (but of course not to the extent than an adult can be expected to understand the difference between right and wrong). But I don't think she needs punishment upon punishment. I think another approach may be in order. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vertigoxo Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 I don't know what to say to help, but I wanna say I am so sorry this is happening to you, brokenpogostick. *hugs* You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trezz Posted September 17, 2009 Share Posted September 17, 2009 hello brokenpogostick i was looking through some other threads and found your 'husband is hiding..... you certainly do have a lot to cope with hope you baby and all your family are doing well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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