Is online dating such a walk in the park for women?

[LightbulbSun]

I think the problems with online dating are different for men and women.

 

For men, it's that there are so many men and so few women on online dating sites that actually getting a response from a woman is extremely difficult, because you have to wait for her to wade through all the messages she gets from other men before she can respond to you (or not.) Also, if you're not stereotypically 'hot', you can easily get passed over for the stud who messaged her first.

 

For women, they have to put up with harassment from weirdos and freaks who just want sex, and don't want a relationship. They have trouble picking out who's genuine, and who's just after sex, so they could pass over a genuinely interested man because she miscalculates his 'interest.'

[grymoire]

I am a strong supporter of parents marrying their kids while in infant stage (yes, I know its against the law, but I still support it.)

I wanted to get married @ age 16, but my parents did not agree. Oh... what a fine situation it was! I was young and stupid... (whichever comes first and whichever lasts forever!) He was jobless, arrogant, and hot! Why oh why did I let the guy go?

 

Tinu I have no idea what you are talking about? Was this a sarcastic remark at me?

[LAYAAN]

no... i was only joking... really... but I hear u... I really should have gotten married in college when I was young, vibrant, and didn't have much sense of who I"m, what I wanted or how serious marriage is.

[grymoire]

no... i was only joking... really... but I hear u... I really should have gotten married in college when I was young, vibrant, and didn't have much sense of who I"m, what I wanted or how serious marriage is.

 

yea... i have very similar regrets... not about getting married but passing up dating opportunities.... i still remember the 3 beautiful women that liked me and fell for me when i was in 12th grade.... i could have easily pursued one of them.. but hey, you are an Indian... 12th grade is the most important phase in your life.. you got to score damn well so that you can get into Medical or Engineering.... you are not supposed to waste with women... so i kept quiet when of those girls said "i love you"....

 

i did get into Engineering.... but here I am 34 yrs old now with no girlfriend

[MT1981]

to get the right woman - you need the right profile. Once you have the right profile set up - start initiating contacts. Those that dont reply, or dont keep in touch are obviously not good enough for you. Those that do, are worthy of getting to know.

 

Similar to what women go through, I had to weed out the stalkers/sex maniacs and all that crap too. However, it was kind of tough, as I am attracted to caucasian women more than women of my own background (im sri lankan) - but no harm in trying. The girl im seeing now, she seems to have everything that I seek in a woman - but its only been 4 or 5 weeks since i got to know her first....so time will tell.

 

Just remember, the good ones want more substance than anything else.....

[LightbulbSun]

yea... i have very similar regrets... not about getting married but passing up dating opportunities.... i still remember the 3 beautiful women that liked me and fell for me when i was in 12th grade.... i could have easily pursued one of them.. but hey, you are an Indian... 12th grade is the most important phase in your life.. you got to score damn well so that you can get into Medical or Engineering.... you are not supposed to waste with women... so i kept quiet when of those girls said "i love you"....

 

i did get into Engineering.... but here I am 34 yrs old now with no girlfriend

 

I know what you mean, I've had missed opportunities, too. It certainly doesn't get better when you're older.

[grymoire]

to get the right woman - you need the right profile. Once you have the right profile set up - start initiating contacts. Those that dont reply, or dont keep in touch are obviously not good enough for you. Those that do, are worthy of getting to know.

 

Similar to what women go through, I had to weed out the stalkers/sex maniacs and all that crap too. However, it was kind of tough, as I am attracted to caucasian women more than women of my own background (im sri lankan) - but no harm in trying. The girl im seeing now, she seems to have everything that I seek in a woman - but its only been 4 or 5 weeks since i got to know her first....so time will tell.

 

Just remember, the good ones want more substance than anything else.....

 

off-topic but man..... that F430 is one hot car!

[MT1981]

off-topic but man..... that F430 is one hot car!

 

haha i know! tis gonna be a long time before i get me one!

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I agree with you and Miss Kitty..online dating is a joke. The men aren't serious at all about finding someone...many are just looking for arm candy and sex, or just something to pass the time away. My ex was on one of those sites..that's how I met him..yet knowing what I know now I think it was purely entertainment for him and he already had in mind that once he was entertained enough he was going to marry the person in his community whom he had known for years because she fit in to his plan of where he wanted to be within this community. I wouldn't go near online dating with a 10 foot pole..I don't think there is a lot of quality on there and I think there are a lot of liars on there.

[BriarRose]

I agree with you and Miss Kitty..online dating is a joke. The men aren't serious at all about finding someone...many are just looking for arm candy and sex, or just something to pass the time away. My ex was on one of those sites..that's how I met him..yet knowing what I know now I think it was purely entertainment for him and he already had in mind that once he was entertained enough he was going to marry the person in his community whom he had known for years because she fit in to his plan of where he wanted to be within this community. I wouldn't go near online dating with a 10 foot pole..I don't think there is a lot of quality on there and I think there are a lot of liars on there.

..

I agree. And I find they are just looking to hook up. I realize some people have met their SO's on-line, from what I read here.....but personally, I don't know of one person who met their bf/gf on-line.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

..

I agree. And I find they are just looking to hook up. I realize some people have met their SO's on-line, from what I read here.....but personally, I don't know of one person who met their bf/gf on-line.

 

I know one person who did and she is married to him..but I know that she would go out with anyone and the minute one guy broke up with her she would quickly "fall in love" with the next person who paid attention to her. When she dated the guy she ended up marrying she was always looking at him with puppy dog admiration in her eyes and his body language was very closed off. I don't think he was that into her but he was in his 30's and probably just wanted to get married so she was it...and she wanted marriage and family so badly she would have chosen anyone who paid her attention. Other friends of hers also thought she was being silly around him and that he wasn't as into her. I haven't seen them in a few years but I don't know how their relationship is..I know they have a couple of children.

[icarus27]

Thanks to all.

 

Do you have a very good picture of yourself on the site? IMO that is the most important thing that can draw the women. Because that is what they get to see even before reading your profile. Once you get the first date then you just work your charm. Tease, flirt, don't be too eager, call her after a day etc.

 

Yes, and yes again. I've even had compliments on them.

 

But it is not the mechanics that I'm addressing in this thread. Yes, it's possible to do X, Y and Z .... and often I find I have done them already. Over three years, I have strategised, re-strategised, written, re-written profiles, feel like I've jumped in and out of hoops.

 

Maybe you are going for the super-ultra-hot ones, in which case, yes, the hot people will have better luck on line.

 

Misskitty, patently, absolutely not! I have wide criteria, widened some more, went out with larger women than I would initially be attracted to, went out with divorcees although there is a stigma attached to that in my community, messaged and messaged if I felt the profile text had something special in it.

 

I'm going to suggest to you that "testimonials" aren't always 100% true and accurate. Do you honestly think a dating site is going to post something that portrays itself in a negative light?

 

This is very much like "ladies nights" promotions at bars -- if you can get the women to show up, the men will follow. So, of course you have to put forth the image that it's "fun" and "easy" and that it will provide what they're looking for.

 

Not for minute would I think the testimonial is true! Hence I prefaced it with the expression "Would you believe ...?" What gets me is the 100% female-centric bias. Completely agree that it is designed to make a whole load of women think that signing up is a gateway to 100% easy "instant-relationships".

 

I know one person who did and she is married to him..but I know that she would go out with anyone and the minute one guy broke up with her she would quickly "fall in love" with the next person who paid attention to her. When she dated the guy she ended up marrying she was always looking at him with puppy dog admiration in her eyes and his body language was very closed off. I don't think he was that into her but he was in his 30's and probably just wanted to get married so she was it...and she wanted marriage and family so badly she would have chosen anyone who paid her attention. Other friends of hers also thought she was being silly around him and that he wasn't as into her. I haven't seen them in a few years but I don't know how their relationship is..I know they have a couple of children.

 

Yes, women do often point out that the quality of the r'ship they get out of it, is often not ideal. But that's not much consolation to me. So women say that once they get into the room and enjoy living in it for a while they can decide the room is not for them ... hell, I can't even get my foot in the door to the room!

 

I am smarting this week as one does, from a rare woman who messaged me and was complimentary about my photos. The emails were going well, flowing well if you know what I mean .... and then she abruptly says she's met someone else. So I become the also-ran.

 

In a move that's rare for me, I wrote her a brief note to remind her that the guy she is going with probably has 3 other contacts he is dating along with her ... but equally politely, I said I would cut contact because it was the best thing to do.

 

This cycle has happened a good dozen times and more.

To the guys on here, I say this: a man honestly, honestly gets tired. You might have read a couple of threads of mine recently where I talked about the racial dimension to dating. Even in 2009, its a factor. I don't know which way to turn.

[LAYAAN]

Is online dating so hugely biassed in favour of women that it is getting ridiculous? Are there any women who ever EVEN have any problems grabbing a man on the online scene? If so, how? I was on EH for a while and IMO, I think that it is as difficult for women as it is for men. It might be easier for women with attractive photos to get attention, but from that its just as hard. I did not have problems getting hits but few people were genuine. Most acted like kids left loose in a candy store.

 

For the umpteenth time, someone I was interested in went with another man. I've had this happen to me too. Not only women, even men go for the highest bidder. It doesn't feel good, but I'm not sure what I can do about this issue. I know by now all the good words about how there should be no attachments early on / how she was just doing what any man or woman would do - which is go for the best available offer. But if the system is so massively rigged to ensure success for women, I am doubting my perseverance / thick skin is helping at all. I think you have a biased opinion here. It might be easier for women, but its far from easy. I struggled to find men with genuine interest and who will follow through. Even on a serious site like EH, I came accross a good no. of men who asked very strange sex related Qs early during the communication process.

 

I'm at a stage when I get angry whenever I read a woman writing on her dating profile,

"My friend found her man on so I thought I'd give it a try!" I don't know why it makes you angry? Whats so wrong about it? I've heard this too.

OR

"My friend had good fun on this site!"

It makes me sick. There are men who try and try and constantly end up being the also-ran on some woman's shortlist, never to be number one. And there are women who put a profile up, instantly get mobbed by hundreds of potential men and as a result develop a "kid in a candy store" mentality very quickly. This is true for both genders. Trust me. Really, you have to trust that there are genuine women out there that are just as frustrated with this mentality. But think about it for a minute. If they have a shopping list and can get possibly everything on their list at one stop, they will go for it. Men do that too.Would you believe it, I saw one dating site put up a testimonial from a woman who'd had success - and the testimonial, designed to attract more women to sign up, literally said "it's like being a kid in a candy store .... to put it as an advertisement is really bad, but where are morals in today's world anyway?and I the very first man I dated was my soulmate".

 

I am honestly struggling hard to stop the feeling of misogyny this is giving rise to. I don't want to be consumed by hatred or ill feeling. But whenever I see a news item on the TV about people being ripped off / exploited, it makes me angry - it is against my sense of justice. In the same way, the idea that women are reaping the benefits from a bent system and merrily enjoying it ... then have the chutzpah to come back and say "Online dating was fun for my friends and me!!" ... is just not right. I think it depends why they are there. Some are there to get a "better" potential mate, some are there for more choice, some are there for experience, some are there to give themselves an ego boost, really depends. You will come accross such people (men and women, both) wherever you go. Thats why this process takes time. But today if they are making such statements, or choosing to stop communication soon b'coz they found someone "better" or "bigger" or "richer" whatever, aren't you glad that this is happening today instead of 3 kids down in marriage? I know that what I'm saying is later reaction/thought to a bad experience. My immediate reaction would be hurt and anger too, but really think about it, what can you do? You can only keep your faith and keep looking for a decent, sincere girl, right?

 

Since I've been on this site a while, please No, ad hominem arguments like "Oh you're so angry, no wonder women get turned off" "Women have a sixth sense about these things" "Women can read minds even before you've talked to them". My whole point is that they walk away at the email stage, before a full interaction has even taken place. correct, I agree. I can understand what you say. I've felt the same way. "Atleast meet me, atleast give me a chance", but some people have very specific expectations. If they think they are getting it some other place, they will leave and its better IMO, that people leave sooner than be unhappy about dating someone, but b'coz thats what is currently available so they just stay and contemplate leaving.

My experience and observation is that people in general have become less sincere, kind, and honest. Honest with themselves, honest with others about who they are, and what they want. I'm not saying what you have experienced is bad, no, it feels bad certainly, but I don't know what might be a solution to this. I think a solution is to be honest, to learn to watch out for such women, and hold out for a sincere woman.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

My experience and observation is that people in general have become less sincere, kind, and honest. Honest with themselves, honest with others about who they are, and what they want.

 

This is so very true..and you see that kind of attitude in the number of people looking for a quick lay, a rebounder looking for quick fix to heal their broken heart by preying on someone who is looking for a real relationship, the selfishness of people once they find someone to call their partner etc.

[givinggirl]

Does anyone know the stats as to how many men vs. women use online dating? There might be way more men than women, which would cause problems. I understand where you are coming. I did a free trial on link removed, but I was on it maybe a week. The whole online dating things makes me very uncomfortable. I am not the type of girl who can talk to someone online and then just meet up with them in person just like that. I would prefer to meet someone in person first, for me, that is a lot less stressful for some reason. I am also pretty shy so maybe that is why. I would think that some guys sounded nice, but that is as far as I got....I didn't even reply to any messages, I was that uncomfortable with the whole thing. I also found myself pre-judging people way too much just by some little thing that was written in their profile. Just am not a fan.

[givinggirl]

Make yourself into what you think every woman would want. Work out, join some sports teams, take good pictures, make yourself interesting...

 

NO, don't have a fake you just for dating...not the way to go. That is the problem, no one wants to just be themselves. Don't you want a girl to pick you because she like YOU....not the person you think that she wants to like? Just be you!

[servedcold]

I agree with you and Miss Kitty..online dating is a joke. The men aren't serious at all about finding someone...many are just looking for arm candy and sex, or just something to pass the time away. My ex was on one of those sites..that's how I met him..yet knowing what I know now I think it was purely entertainment for him and he already had in mind that once he was entertained enough he was going to marry the person in his community whom he had known for years because she fit in to his plan of where he wanted to be within this community. I wouldn't go near online dating with a 10 foot pole..I don't think there is a lot of quality on there and I think there are a lot of liars on there.

 

Perhaps many of the "top 5%" of men that all the women on the sites are chasing aren't interested in a relationship, and are just looking for arm candy or sex. Three of my friends who were very successful with women but had not found their match did online dating with poor results. All three were very good looking ladies men, but had all had mostly serious relationships in life, and were using the site in an effort to settle down into marriage or a LTR.

 

#1 (far in the past and successfully married now) couldn't get any response -at all- because he is only 5'8" and had a mediocre job at the time, despite having had many conquests and girlfriends. He is now happily married to a woman he met at work and makes high six figures in his career. #2, 5'10", had gone back to school in his 40s for an MBA. No response whatsoever... none. Tried for two years and finally gave up. Still does well with women out and about. #3, 5'9" and from a wealthy family but never flaunts it, stuck with it for almost three years and finally got a girlfriend from match when he got a high profile job. He had to write his girlfriend 3+ times before getting any response, and between us, he is a better catch than she is by a long shot. All three of these guys were extremely popular in school, always with a girlfriend, and none really needed online dating as a tool to meet women. They did it because they had heard some random success stories, and for whatever reasons, long term relationship happiness had eluded them.

 

If you are 5'11 or taller, very good looking, and have a high profile job, you are a candidate for online dating as an adult male older than mid 20s. If you don't have all these characteristics... nada. As a female, all you have to be is somewhat "fit" and have flattering pictures. For the average woman, online dating is an option, for the average man, it is most certainly not.

 

I've done well with online dating because I barely fall into the very narrow "online dating success group," and approach online dating very methodically, but have found the incidence of personality disorders and other bad traits to be extremely high among women online.

[Ms Darcy]

Is online dating so hugely biassed in favour of women that it is getting ridiculous? Are there any women who ever EVEN have any problems grabbing a man on the online scene? If so, how?

 

For the umpteenth time, someone I was interested in went with another man. I know by now all the good words about how there should be no attachments early on / how she was just doing what any man or woman would do - which is go for the best available offer. But if the system is so massively rigged to ensure success for women, I am doubting my perseverance / thick skin is helping at all.

 

 

In my opinion, the big elephant in the room for this thread is the fact that you are East Asian and you are attracted to white women. Essentially, you say that your preference is to date white women, excluding other groups of women on grounds of so-called different experiences. I don't personally don't buy that one. It sounds like you have a preference for a certain look. Fine. No one can change you or fault you for that.

 

Yet, not surprisingly, you suggest in another thread that these women have a racial preference for other white guys. What's wrong with that? If you have a preference, why can't they have a preference too? You are asking, why won't they be open minded enough to be with me when you aren't open minded enough to be with different types of women? I can easily imagine scenarios where women think you are nice enough but if they find guys they are more attracted to, physically and culturally, they gravitate to that.

 

You talked about having a past gf who had to deal with some vitriol from your family due to their lack of acceptance of her. That's just one concern that some women may feel that may make them reluctant to even enter a relationship with someone of a different race. You cannot blame someone who just doesn't want to deal with that.

 

I'm sorry I'm not as sympathetic to your story, but I know plenty of women of color who find men of color only attracted to white women very frustrating and hypocritical. Simply recognize that your odds are lower and don't get angry with them for your preferences.

[Thornbirds18]

I don't think that online dating is easier for women. Yeah, women often get the chance to choose among all the messages and winks. But for me, few of those people actually match my criteria and thus attractive to me. They didn't read my profile carefully before they write a lousy email and hit "send". Generalized emails are deleted even before I go through their profile. If they are sending the same thing to multiple women why I should bother to think that they view me as a unique human being that is worth their effort to pursue.

 

I've been on these sites on and off for several years and now I'm still single. I guess maybe because I'm picky due to the fact that I want things more serious than a date.

[Thornbirds18]

I have to agree with this because your pool of selection is much smaller compared to many other people. Why not try some dating sites where you can find white women who are interested in East Asian men? link removed might be a good option because you can find some Western women who're interested in the Eastern culture. Some other dating sites for Asian people might be beneficial as well.

[Thornbirds18]

I do agree with the high profile job and good looking part. Many women, no matter rich or poor, value a man's success from how financially stable they are. As far as the height goes I think that taller than 5'6 is good for me. Personally I look at their ages first, then their pictures, then their educational background, then income, then their marrital history and whether have children and want children. Finally I read their profile to see what they say. This is a very staightforward process and I often wonder if I made a right decision to ignore them simply because they don't have a college degree...

[icarus27]

In my opinion, the big elephant in the room for this thread is the fact that you are East Asian and you are attracted to white women. Essentially, you say that your preference is to date white women, excluding other groups of women on grounds of so-called different experiences. I don't personally don't buy that one. It sounds like you have a preference for a certain look. Fine. No one can change you or fault you for that.

 

Yet, not surprisingly, you suggest in another thread that these women have a racial preference for other white guys. What's wrong with that? If you have a preference, why can't they have a preference too? You are asking, why won't they be open minded enough to be with me when you aren't open minded enough to be with different types of women?

 

God, do I need to set you right on that!

 

I see you've been following my story a while, so thank you for bringing that perpsective into it. If you're asking why I can't be open-minded to accept different races of women - I can fill you in, that my efforts at online dating started out - and continue to be - on a site exclusively used by (East Indian)Asians. I branched out into link removed later, as I found that people usually use more than just one service.

 

You would hardly believe the sorts of behaviour that I've encountered in women of my own race. Liked I said, I've widened my criteria to be more accepting of women with ill-conceived relationships and divorces in their past, women with slight facial blemishes, even women with so little relationship experience that I found I had to be very gentle in the pace and speed with which I got to know them, so as not to scare them off. Every time it's the same story - women of my own race have walked off with someone else. And let us just include twice in my life, when an (Asian) woman who even admitted to like me and be compatible with me, dropped me like a hot coal, as soon as a white man arrived on the scene.

 

My preferences are to do with qualities a woman possesses inside, like a few other female posters, my intentions are about finding a r'ship that's sustainable and has long-term shelf life. I have tried like hell to be open-minded about what is on the outside.

 

I'm sorry I'm not as sympathetic to your story, but I know plenty of women of color who find men of color only attracted to white women very frustrating and hypocritical.

 

May I ask, are you of colour yourself? I completely agree with the undercurrent you're talking about: black women in the UK will be the first to testify that they have an issue with the way some black men (especially in sports and the media) get with white women as soon as they're successful.

 

However, I made a separate thread about that and so that's not my chief point on this one.

 

You strike an antagonistic tone in your post, I'll put that down to you not knowing some of the facts because I've only re-iterated them now.

[noneStar]

Just curious, Icarus, have you ever tried asking your friends and family for potentials?

[Shudder]

i wouldnt say it's a walk in the park for them, but they certainly do have their options. pretty much they are bombarded 100 fold everyday compared to real life.

 

i tried online dating. actually i still have a profile, however the people on there all seem to be looking for some kind of perfection in their own way. if you aren't that then you are out. and they don't even count their flaws. they are allowed to have flaws but you can't. also many seem to be there just to waste others time....

[icarus27]

Just curious, Icarus, have you ever tried asking your friends and family for potentials?

 

Hi noneStar, as it happens, I have.

 

After many years of saying No, last year I relented to some members of my family who made some contacts. It turned out to be a waste of effort and hope. Like tinu mentioned here in a post, just like in online dating, (Asian) women enter the realm of 'arranged introductions' with their own agendas. Some are doing it just for the experience, others are doing it because of internal politics in their families, trying to keep Daddy sweet etc etc.

 

As it happened, of the first two contacts, one turned me down straight away and the other was not at all serious about a relationship. Over a 6 week period, I asked her 3 times, gently each time, for the most basic of things - to see a photo of herself, and every time she refused / gave excuses. I finally cut it off. And told my family to stop looking.

 

D'you see what I mean when I say, I hardly know of any man who would treat women with the patience I have?