For Erin

[Gecko]

I wrote this to someone who's been in the state hospital for a year and a half now (I was there for a year; she arrived a few months after I did). This is the first writing I've ever done that feels like a faithful portrayal of my heart.

 

* * *

 

For many years I've wallowed in a lonely misery

When I finally buckled under the pressure of no life and no future,

I resigned myself to utter defeat

I believed that my mind was already molded and set

There was no way out of my old habits and thought-patterns

I'd suffer the rest of my life from precisely the same emotions, and worse, if I didn't kill myself

Looking back, there is a significant change from who I was six months ago

Physically and psychologically, perhaps even in the composition of my brain

It's still hard to believe how far I've gone

I was convinced I'd die alone in a mental hospital, of old age if not by suicide

Jian-Marie has been the miracle in my life

I declared that no one would ever love me for who I really was

I'm glad she proved me wrong

Every day is still a battle

I have to face the same demons over and over - very real elements of my prison

But as I told Jian-Marie, change is possible

It takes a long time and hard work

There are certainly times when things appear to fall apart and you're left at square one

But this is partially an illusion

You have the chance to go a little farther with each cycle of recovery - a little more experience to work with

Each fall paradoxically gives you a clean slate

You can use the slate to choose your own direction:

Perhaps similar, or completely different from the one you had before

You become stripped of the compulsion to uphold any false improvement

This freedom allows a fresh look on life, free from any preconception of how it 'should' be

Imagination can be an enormously enriching supplement in creating reality

Allow yourself to dream

To see things from a different perspective

And apply what you wish to your own life

See your life as a canvas:

What will your next stroke be?

Your life is irreplaceable

Every experience you've had and will have is unique to your being

Nothing can take that away from you

Every moment, every day, you can mold your life, your experience

Not always your moods and your thoughts

But how you react once you have them

This is self-transcendence:

Seeing the richness of possibilities in this moment

And reaching out; just try it:

An unexpected twist in the ordinary trend of events

You'll amaze yourself with what you find

In other people, in yourself, beneath unturned rocks

You will even find that you are more than one person; in fact, several people

One of them is a girl yearning for love and understanding

One of them a goddess of peace

You don't have to be limited to the person you were yesterday

Who you were today, who people think you are, or who you think you are

Try thinking about the woman in you who will look back on her life sometime in the future

Smiling at you

Inexpressibly thankful that you survived long enough

To give her a chance

Every small step you take

Is another neuron mended, another door opened

It takes blind faith to complete the cycle

Sometimes it's impossible to see how anything you do could possibly help

But then, some of those decisions you make pay off at just the right time

And suddenly you perceive the vast sea on which we float;

That an untold number of those decisions did turn out for the better of tides, though you may never know exactly how

If my writing intimidates you, and you wish you could write like I do,

Just consider this:

I would never be able to write anything without inspiration from people like you

Everything that I've written

Every beautiful sentence I've ever conceived

Came from thinking about those very, very few special people in my life

I am nothing without this wellspring of vitality

It's what keeps me going, day in and day out

This letter would never have been written

If I hadn't met you

If I hadn't somehow fallen in love with you

So you see, you're constantly taking part in creation

Even when you're absent minded; not intending on it

I took those slips in your attention

As opportunities for absorbing your presence,

Yearning to take part in your beauty...

Erin, I wrote this for you

I wrote this because of you

So many albums I've sent might as well have been sung for you

I want to be for you what Mikaela is and has been for you

Even if this comes to naught,

Even if you decide you can't live in this world anymore

I would respect your decision, forbearing all judgement

I can't blame anyone for wanting out of this harsh existence

Only be extremely sorry for their passing

Hang on to memories, reverent of the extreme suffering they endured

And try to keep holding on myself

Making a difference wherever, whenever I can

I want you to feel in the end that there were people who understood

That you have a warm place in my heart

As I write, I so badly want to see you again

To hug you, take in your essence

Gaze into your eyes

If I had the chance

I would lie next to you for days

In your darkest hours

Holding you close

 

~ Erik

[metwo]

that was beautiful, and struck a chord..