how common is pulling away in the beginning stages?

[Anon333]

how common is this in everyones experience- and does it ever work out into a real relationship? ive had a strand of boys that have showed tons of interest in me for months- only to be freaked out when i reciprocate affection. makes me so untrusting of real feelings. is this common? does it always end up bad?

[mca1975]

they are scared of commitment. I was like that with my now boyfriend, for ages!! It did his head in, but we live together now - but Im a girl, lol

[Mustang]

I know you feel. Same thing happens to me. Girls act interested in me then completely change their mind without me knowing why. I really wish I knew what I'm doing wrong because it's happened four times this year already. They are interested and then they back right off and, the previous three times, have done it for someone else.

 

It's really starting to piss me off.

[Ammy]

I have had this happen time and time again too Anon and Mustang. Guys who show EXTREME interest in me (one wrote me a love letter, the other googled spanish phrases to woo me, both told me VERY early on how much they thought I was perfect for them etc etc...) and then they were over it - with no warning, no changes, nothing...

 

I hate this... cos at least with the Mr Hot and Colds of this world, you get what you see - unreliable, up and down, into you then not... but these other guys, the one's who pull away - they start off so consistent and good and lull you into a false sense of security only to detach themselves from you COMPLETELY within a day!

 

I don't get it... but perhaps as the above poster stated it is a commitment issue - whatever it is, it's their issue not yours.

 

Ammy

[JiMmIyZ]

As one of these people who do act like we have more of an interest then we actually do, I'll explain why we do this. We like the chase, we'll actually believe that we do like them but when we get them or at times they show some interest we may go off. It's fairly shallow I guess but it's, you know, the thrill of the chase or we just like doing for the hell of it... I go with the thrill one personally.

[Mustang]

Annoying isn't it? I know what you mean, at least if they were a bit wishy washy to begin with it wouldn't be so confusing.

 

I was told by her that I was her type, she invited me round her house when her parents were away, she was all over me, she was often the one to contact me, she contacted me when drunk to tell me that she wanted to come to my house(!) and kept telling in between dates that she couldn't wait to see me again. As well as that, she was telling me that she was talking to her friends and family about me and they were all interested in me.

 

Then she just started to ignore me and after me asking her what was wrong TWICE, she eventually gets back to me with cliches. Bit of a head * * * * to say the least! I just felt like she was genuine. Not once did I have any sign from her that she was lying or uncertain. I was playing it cool and was just going with the flow. Obviously, I did a bit of flirting and teasing but not to the point that it became scary.

 

Her throwing cliches at me and then saying "I still want to be friends" was an insult given the 24 hour mind change. She made me feel like an idiot. "I still need your guiding hand in my music taste". Go to a record store and ask someone there to help you!

 

I think the best thing we can do in this situation is just put it down to experience and not give them the satisfaction of keeping us in their lives for their own selfish reasons.

 

I know that I won't be able to trust a girl being interested even when all the signs are there for quite a while. But it's her loss. Whatever her real reasons, I'm sure she'll do it again to someone else and it's better for us to be messed around early on before any real emotional attachment is formed.

[Ammy]

Oh Mustang, I am sure I have met the male equivalent to that girl a handful of times now... It does make you doubt everyone... I am now just waiting for the guy to stuff me around or dump me.. and am never sure they want to see me again even if the date ends well.. even if they contact me post date, I still have doubts to their intentions.

 

I also wonder now, whether too much interest too soon is in itself a problem. I find myself not being as into men who aren't so full on now... but I am realising that the men who travel more slowly are MUCH more genuine.. and no longer trust the guy who idolises me within a few days! The ones who move too quick into love, move too quick outta love, or so has been my experience.

 

That said I'm the kinda girl who usually falls fast, and once I fall, I fall hard and don't change my mind in a matter of hours. So there are some people out there who can match their words and actions consistently!

 

Ammy

[silvercross]

Yep. I had that. All into it/me for the first few months and then he started freaking out......i was lucky tho, he was more open to talking about it then jsut shutting down. He was some what scared (didn't use that word tho) about the commitment and what its like to be in a relationship again. He'd been single for a long time.

[mmike]

Mustang and Ammy,

 

I've shared the same experience and it really would be nice to understand why it happens but probably happens for a slightly combination of reasons each time. It feels so good when your meshing with someone and getting that great feedback and then poof..some change and its all over. I would have to agree, showing too much interest can be a major factor.

[mmike]

What are some of the MAJOR indicators (be specific as possible..e.g., # times calling, other indicators) of a guy falling for you - where it triggers a red flag (of sorts).

 

[Ammy]

Guys who text me constantly... tell me that I'm perfect for them within a matter of knowing me for a few weeks online and max 1-2 dates offline...

 

Guys who do showy gestures like letters / HUGE long dates / presents / etc... too early on (as in during the first few dates).

 

Guys who are insecure around me and constantly monitor how I feel - and check in that I am interested when all my actions already show I am.

 

Guys who seem too nervous around me - like they are infatuated... I naturally figure that means they're totally into me... and think I'm safe... but these are usually the guys who end up running a mile with no reason.

[bebeblondie]

I think this tends to happen with men who come on too strong in the beginning. For instance if the guy is acting like he met his soul mate after a week of knowing you, chances are it's not genuine (not saying this is always the case). Real feelings grow over time not over night.

 

I don't know why certain men act like this. In my experience when a guy comes on too strong in the beginning it's a red flag for me, and I run.

[Carpe Diem]

Mustang, Ammy and others--how long did the "relationship" continue before they pulled away? It seems like some people have been burned even after several months, which is scary because you'd hope that after a certain period you could relax and enjoy the relationship without constantly having to be on guard as to the other person's interest level.

[Mustang]

Mustang, Ammy and others--how long did the "relationship" continue before they pulled away? It seems like some people have been burned even after several months, which is scary because you'd hope that after a certain period you could relax and enjoy the relationship without constantly having to be on guard as to the other person's interest level.

 

The thing with my situation is that it was only three dates so in the grand scheme of things, it's not a big deal. What bugs me so much is how she did and said things like telling me she liked me, enjoyed seeing me, couldn't to see me again on one day and then the next day wanting nothing to with me.

 

I can deal with the rejection, it's all the stuff before that annoys me.

 

I am fortunate enough that it happened early on though I guess. I'd be a lot worse off if she suddenly shut me out in the same way after a year.

[Ms Darcy]

While I don't know you and I can't speak in a conclusive manner, I do think that emerging patterns can indicate a need for internal examination.

 

I have a couple of friends who are magnets for insecure guys who come on strong then disappear and others who always seem to get the best ones - the cute, loving, committed ones. From observation I will say there are a few observations:

 

Insecure Magnets: a little bit less self confidence, not as willing to weed out guys at the beginning, do not take someone who is all over you before knowing you as a 'red flag' so that they can run away, obsessed with relationships, are a bit jaded with men, not a whole lot going on in their lives, often lots of issues with their parents that are unresolved, some sort of personality challenge like rigid, mean, rude, controlling, etc.

 

Awesome-Guy Magnets: self confident, take the ending of a dating experience in stride, weed out guys quickly, date multiple guys at a time, run away from the guys who are hot and heavy early, not obsessed with relationships but do enjoy them, actually like and respect men, have lots of hobbies, have a happy family life OR have really worked hard on past issues, are very self-aware and willing to improve deficient personality traits (while being confident in who they are).

 

Just some things to think about for yourself.

[Anon333]

okay. so in most people's experience. once the person pulls away they're done for good? could it be just that the person needs space and time to rethink everything. sounds like the situation i am in is doomed. havent heard from him in two days after he said he needed space to think and we will talk later. he just wants to be friends now i think with potential of a relationship after being so hot and heavy for months. i wonder if ill ever hear from him. its innevitable we will see eachother. i dont want to be bitter.

[Ms Darcy]

okay. so in most people's experience. once the person pulls away they're done for good? could it be just that the person needs space and time to rethink everything. sounds like the situation i am in is doomed. havent heard from him in two days after he said he needed space to think and we will talk later. he just wants to be friends now i think with potential of a relationship after being so hot and heavy for months. i wonder if ill ever hear from him. its innevitable we will see eachother. i dont want to be bitter.

 

Two days isn’t a whole bunch of time. I would wait and see for a few days before making a specific conclusion. What I will say, though, is that it would not hurt to take stock. Are you at all clingy when you “start to show affection?” What are his initial reactions when you begin to do so? Also, give the dating relationship a really honest assessment. Were you compatible? Did you have similar interests and seem to get along beyond him telling you all the things you really enjoyed hearing? Sometimes the end of the honeymoon is the time that real differences stop being cute and manageable.

 

Lastly, if there are any guys that you have dated but are friendly with, try having a post-mortem aka a conversation where you kind of talk about ‘what happened’ in the relationship. I had that with my first ex and it was soooo eye-opening for me. It helped me make some significant behavioral and attitude changes that have led me to my healthiest relationship yet.

[Batya33]

I agree that those who come on the strongest the earliest are probably more infatuated/thrill of the chase types. I would focus more on the level of attention you are given over months, not days or weeks - and as far as reciprocating I think it's fine - and expected - to be kind and compassionate as appropriate, to be a good listener, etc but I would save the effusive "you're my soulmate" kind of stuff until you've been dating at least a few months and are in a solid exclusive relationship.

[Ammy]

I definitely agree with the come on strong = red flag thing now too. It seems all lovely and romantic, but it ends as quickly as it started. It's almost too perfect and then BAM! GONE!

 

I agree with some of the list of "bad guy magnets"... as in - lower self-confidence, inability to weed out guys who move too quickly, focus on relationships...

 

But that said I also disagree with the personality characteristics - of mean, rude, nothing else in their life etc...

 

I feel I am naive in relationships due to lack of experience and hence have tended to follow an almost hollywood style romanticised image of relationships and hence when a guy comes on strong, I think WOW, instead of WOAH... but I think a lot of girls who fall for this are genuine, kind girls (and guys when it happens like this with a girl) who like to believe the best in people but are a bit naive. At least that is my experience from my friends.

 

Ammy

[mmike]

I know you feel. Same thing happens to me. Girls act interested in me then completely change their mind without me knowing why. I really wish I knew what I'm doing wrong because it's happened four times this year already. They are interested and then they back right off and, the previous three times, have done it for someone else.

 

It's really starting to piss me off.

 

Yeah, exactly!!! What's up with that..any answers from women?

[mmike]

Guys who text me constantly... tell me that I'm perfect for them within a matter of knowing me for a few weeks online and max 1-2 dates offline...

 

Guys who do showy gestures like letters / HUGE long dates / presents / etc... too early on (as in during the first few dates).

 

Guys who are insecure around me and constantly monitor how I feel - and check in that I am interested when all my actions already show I am.

 

Guys who seem too nervous around me - like they are infatuated... I naturally figure that means they're totally into me... and think I'm safe... but these are usually the guys who end up running a mile with no reason.

 

Fascinating: so what about a guy who emails 2x's a week and calls possibly the same amount and also asks you to call him? Appropriate?

 

When you think you are safe how does your behavior change toward the guy? Do you miss replying to his emails/calls once in a while?

[Ammy]

Yeah, exactly!!! What's up with that..any answers from women?

 

If I change my mind (which is rare) it's usually within the first few dates and it's usually the following situations:

 

1. I was unsure to begin with (hence I would have toned down my flirting / what I said in the early stages in order to NOT lead the guy on - ie. I wouldn't have been saying things like, I like you sooo much, you're exactly my type etc etc.. but rather would have been nice, but cautious and held back).

 

2. I was TOTALLY into the guy, but he says / does something that I consider a dealbreaker - as in expresses a view that is totally at odds with someone I value significantly, or presents a side to himself that I didn't initially see - ie. anger issues, bigotry etc...

 

Other than that, my feelings are usually pretty constant... and I don't turn around and change those quickly.

 

I think men and women are both capable of turning on and off very quickly.. it's a sad fact of reality.

 

Ammy

[Batya33]

It's interesting - I always was good at flirting and had fun flirting when I was getting to know someone/early dates, but I would never have told a man during the first few dates that he was exactly my type or that I liked him a lot - that was for later when saying that had real meaning, a real basis. I didn't think that being that effusive would give the right impression even if I was smitten on the inside. And I wasn't entirely comfortable hearing someone I barely knew being that gushy/effusive in the beginning because I knew he didn't really know me yet.

[Ammy]

It's interesting - I always was good at flirting and had fun flirting when I was getting to know someone/early dates, but I would never have told a man during the first few dates that he was exactly my type or that I liked him a lot - that was for later when saying that had real meaning, a real basis. I didn't think that being that effusive would give the right impression even if I was smitten on the inside. And I wasn't entirely comfortable hearing someone I barely knew being that gushy/effusive in the beginning because I knew he didn't really know me yet.

 

Yeah I don't do this either... Although I find when a guy does this to me... then I feel it's okay to reciprocate - it's almost permission to be gushy and OTT... but it doesn't work like that. Guys who tell me these things, don't tend to like it when I say it back to them... that freaks them out and then it's over... weird... it's a double standards thing for some guys I have found - they can gush and be into you, and then ask for your feelings... but when you tell them, the thrill has gone and it's over. If that makes sense.

 

I am learning!

 

That said, now I am dating a guy (very early days!) who doesn't say ANYTHING about how he feels about me / how attractive I am to him... which is fine, he doesn't know me.. and his actions (ie. regularly asking me out, contacting me after each date within a short timeframe, kissing me, taking me somewhere nice for dinner... etc) speak louder than words... but I would like a bit of affirmation that he likes me! Is it normal for a guy to go on a few dates with you, kiss you regularly... but NEVER say he finds you attractive, likes you, looks forward to seeing you etc?

 

Ammy

[Batya33]

I think the actions are far more important than the words.