My boyfriend expressed doubts and reservations about us; not sure what to do now

[oldenoughtoknow]

I'm not sure how you can say he's into you with the doubts he's been expressing since the beginning?!? Before I read this last post, I was thinking that maybe he just doesn't do the transition period very well. Everyone loves the honeymoon period, but when things calm down, some people start having serious doubts over something that's completely normal. But if he's been having doubts since the beginning, I'm thinking he's a CP. And that's a tough one to get around.

[yellow_sweater]

I'm not sure how you can say he's into you with the doubts he's been expressing since the beginning?!? Before I read this last post, I was thinking that maybe he just doesn't do the transition period very well. Everyone loves the honeymoon period, but when things calm down, some people start having serious doubts over something that's completely normal. But if he's been having doubts since the beginning, I'm thinking he's a CP. And that's a tough one to get around.

 

I think it might be hasty to label him a commitment-phobe. He's got some of the traits, but if he was in two 1 year relationships in which he was the dumpee, well, that doesn't scream commitment-phobe to me.

 

What I think is clear is that, like richpart said, he doesn't handle the transition from honeymoon to relationship very well. It could be that he expects there to be constant butterflies, or it could be that he's used to getting dumped at this stage in the relationship. Or it could be something else entirely.

 

OP, any updates on your situation?

[charlesandray]

My update:

 

We spent last night together where we preceded to talk and cry for almost 5 hours. He just seems really confused. On one hand he views me as his best friend, and the thought of not having me in his life makes him feel sick and sad. But I think you're right, yellow sweater, the lack of butterflies or the feeling of that intense love connection is missing for him, and as a result he doesn't know if it makes sense to stay in the relationship. I asked him if he only views me as a friend, and he said he is still attracted to me, but not as much as he was in the beginning. (Yet we are still intimate a lot and he is very affectionate.) I explained to him I feel that too sometimes, but I think that it's the way a relationship grows. And for me, to have a boyfriend as my best friend is such a joy.

 

I think perhaps he has an idea of the way a relationship should be or feel, and because this doesn't fit his model, it's caused all of this doubt and confusion. It was just hard to hear him tell me how much he cares, and that they don't want to lose you, yet they are having these doubts that they can't pinpoint to anything. Because ultimately, he can't. He says there aren't any huge problems, and there was no moment where things shifted. It's just this elusive feeling he has. He even suggested that maybe it was him, and had nothing to do with me or us. He kept going on and on about how stupid he felt for having these doubts and that he was so afraid that if we ended it would be a big mistake. He said there are times where everything fits right in place, and then these doubts come up again. And I guess, lately they've been coming up more and more.

 

Anytime, the idea of us breaking up came out we both cried a lot and we just couldn't go through with it. I don't know what to think. It's like he doesn't want to let go, but can't sort out what to do with his feelings.

 

We were intimate that night, and in the morning discussed things a little more. Neither one of us is ready to let go, but we both don't know if it's smart to stay in it given what he's feeling. He of course, doesn't want to be unfair to me or hurt me in the long run, and worries that if these doubts keep growing that's what will happen. I mean honestly, how can you really invest into someone you have doubts about? I just wish he could figure out where they stemmed from.

 

We agreed to not talk or see each other until Monday (this would be the longest we've gone without communication). And from there, take things slowly- spend less time together, and try to bring a lightness to things. Of course, we have reservations about doing this and wonder if it is better to just call it quits now, but we also decided to revisit this issue in a month to see where we are at. Maybe we're both blindly hoping things will change on his side. I suppose if things aren't better at that time, we'll call it quits. I'm just hoping this is the normal ebb and flow you hear about it relationships sometimes.

 

I'm left feeling so sad, and confused. I don't know if I'm only setting myself up for more heartbreak, or if there is a chance. I just feel like I'm up against a no-win situation. I mean, if he doesn't even know why he feels this way- how can it get better? Or does time help?

 

He wrote me a really nice email today, saying he's having a really hard time today but that he hopes the time apart will be good for us. He wants us to feel better and less emotional when we see each other next week. And, as luck would have it I ran into him on the street. It was nice to see him, but I still was sad. He told me things would be ok, and that he was looking forward to seeing me, and even suggested a fun thing we could do together. He also texted me later saying he could tell that by looking at me I was feeling upset, and that it would be ok, and this time apart would be good for each of us considering the circumstances. He also suggested hanging out on Sunday instead if it would makes things easier for me.

 

I feel like he has doubts about how things will turn out, but he's putting a fair shot into trying. I just don't know if I'm on a road to disaster. I just see so much love there it's hard to walk away. I mean I see it from him too. I just don't know what to do. I sort of understand the feeling of thinking the person you're with might not be the one, or you lack that crazy love connection. I guess for me, I'm just so happy to find something with a person I can really call a friend. Maybe he's just different than I am...I don't know. I'm so confused.

[Ms Darcy]

It's hard to say how things will turn out, but I do want to say that you are very brave. Hugs. You have every right to be proud of your actions and reactions in this situation.

 

If I were to give a suggestion, I would suggest not setting a time limit like a month. It might take a month to turn around, it might take longer, but having that time limit could really put undue pressure on you both that will not help the feelings develop naturally.

 

My only response to doubt from a guy, very very hard I know, is to respond to it with confidence, calm, and resolution. It's good to reaffirm your feelings, let him know you're still invested, and express your feelings briefly. Then get a little space - which means no physical intimacy with him either. What jumps out at me is that he really needs to YEARN for you. When he misses you a little, you two can get back in touch easily and that's a bit too easy for him. Just some thoughts.

[charlesandray]

Ms. Darcy,

 

Thanks so much for your support and kind words. Not putting a timeline on things is definitely something to think about. I think we are both afraid of letting it flail too long unchecked.

 

As far as not being physically intimate, I'm hesitant to take that away. Even though we are on shaky ground, we are still together. I'd like to be intimate with him, and I certainly don't want him to feel like I am punishing him. It would seem a bit strange to take away that aspect of our relationship.

[Ms Darcy]

Hi,

 

I'm not quite saying completely cut that off, just not right after he tells you he has doubts about your relationship.

 

I think it's like cutting down on your time together - moderation is best.