My boyfriend expressed doubts and reservations about us; not sure what to do now

[charlesandray]

Last night I was dealt a bit of a bombshell from my bf of 5 months. He basically expressed that he was having reservations about our relationship. When I asked him why, he said he didn't really know and was confused.

 

At times he said he felt so good being with me, and could see this becoming something long-term and significant. But at other times, and more often recently, he questioned it, and whether or not it was something he could be 100% invested in for the long run.

 

I asked him if there were problems that plagued our dynamic, and he said not really. That he enjoyed having me in his life, etc but that it was a feeling he couldn't shake at times.

 

When I asked him what he wanted he said he was not ready to call it quits, but that more than anything he just wants the feeling of doubt and reservation to go away. That he wants to feel 100% confident about his relationship and who he is investing his time in.

 

During the talk I was hurt and wanted to just end things. I mean, how can I work on a relationship when I'm not even being presented with concrete issues? Just this elusive feeling that I might not be the one, or that he's not as emotionally connected to me as he thinks he should be?

 

He called me this morning, and told me that last night and today were especially rough on him. He said thinking about our relationship, and the idea of not having me in his life was extremely hard and was making him incredibly sad.

 

I don't understand how someone can feel so upset by the potential loss of me, but still have such doubts that they can't tie to a reason. He wants to talk about it more, and again says he's not ready to call it quits but is not sure how to handle these feelings of doubt that come up.

 

And I am at a loss, and afraid and want to run from him now. Honestly, I thought things were going well. I don't understand the idea of knowing 100% so soon that this is it. I mean, I don't spend my time questioning that, I try to let it grow day by day.

 

Any advice of thoughts?

[hexaemeron]

I think you're approaching this whole situation from the wrong perspective. Women all over the world bemoan the fact that men do not communicate, and here is your boyfriend, coming to you open and honestly with a problem he is having and trying to discuss it with you calmly, rationally and hoping to work through it with you.

 

I understand that it's frustrating to hear those sorts of things, but look at what he's doing for himself, you and the relationship. He didn't just dump you. He didn't cheat on you. He came to you and did something most men HATE. He communicated a weakness and opened up to you. It's even worse because men do not like admitting something, and hate admitting something they don't grasp yet.

 

I hope this gives you a bit of a different perspective on how to approach this with your boyfriend and I wish you to all the best.

[charlesandray]

I agree with you, I'm really glad he was able to tell me this. I just am not sure what to do now.

 

I mean, it's not a concrete, tangible issue that can be worked on. At least, it doesn't seem that way.

 

I just don't know where to go from here. What do people do when they have these doubts, or there partner does? Is it a recipe for disaster?

 

I just don't know what to do, or say, or think. I know that the idea of calling it quits scares him. But as he said this morning, if he can't shake this feeling he doesn't know how we'll work out. I wish he understood where it was coming from, or why he needs to know with such certainty now that this relationship will workout in the long run.

 

Of course, I think it's amazing that he's telling me this. But now I have to decide what to do with this information. Any guidance would be helpful.

[hexaemeron]

I agree with you, I'm really glad he was able to tell me this. I just am not sure what to do now.

 

I mean, it's not a concrete, tangible issue that can be worked on. At least, it doesn't seem that way.

 

I just don't know where to go from here. What do people do when they have these doubts, or there partner does? Is it a recipe for disaster?

 

I just don't know what to do, or say, or think.

 

Well, emotions aren't concrete. They're not logical. And he's probably not feeling just one thing. We very rarely ever feel just one emotion at a time. They converge and overlap and get mixed together until it's utterly confusing for everyone.

 

Maybe he's just cold feet about commitment. Maybe you're just not the one. But the only way to find out, I think, is just to keep living and learning with him and you'll both figure it out eventually.

[jsx730]

Why the urgency? It's only been 5 months, why not just let things flow for a bit and see how it goes?

[yellow_sweater]

I agree with you, I'm really glad he was able to tell me this. I just am not sure what to do now.

 

Just listen. Listen as hard as you can.

 

Listen means not trying to figure it out. Listening means not reacting to what he's saying, but rather just absorbing his message. Listening means keeping a damper on the "what comes next?!?!??" screaming voice in the back of your mind.

 

Listening means removing yourself from the situation slightly and really giving yourself to what he has to say. You can do this by putting yourself into his position, by practicing empathy. Then, instead of reacting when he says something, you can try to go a little deeper in your understanding.

 

I think if you listen very carefully to what he has to say, the next course of action will be clear to both of you.

[septembermourning]

I was in your EXACT situation about 9 years ago. lol. Look, I don't want to depress you but here's how things played out... I was w/a guy for 4 months and we were essentially living together much of that time. He came on real strong, seemed real into me, etc. and I felt I loved him too but then at 4 months he totally freaked and said he wasn't sure how he felt anymore.

 

Like you I was devestated and hurt and took all my stuff and left. He then missed me and begged me to take him back which I did but broke up several times more. We had a couple periods of several months apart, minimal contact (only him calling me) and twice he begged me to take him back. The first time we broke up again, same issue... him not feeling right. 2nd time he went all out to get me back... letters to work, flowers, recorded a song for me everything. At this point I had realized I didn't miss him or want him back and that I was quite happy without him as but I went back out of boredom (i think). Ironically, after that I just didn't love him anymore and ended up dumping his @$$ because I wasn't into him. He was devestated but married someone quite soon after that he was VERY compatible with but not as physically attracted to.

 

What I now know in retrospect is he realized I didn't share his hobbies and we didn't have enough commonality to sustain a relationship but still felt very attached to me. My theory is it was because I am pretty, nice and I loved him. It's hard for guys to give up those things even if someone is not actually compatible w/them.

 

I wish we had just ended things at 4 months seriously but instead we started a cycle of break up/get back together which dragged out 1.5 years.

[oldenoughtoknow]

Hear, hear, hexaemeron. You make an excellent point. Still, I don't think most of us are ready for complete gender neutralization. It seems that it always works best, especially early on, for the guy to be the main pursuer and confident in the relationship. Men and women both enjoy these respective positions.

 

The OP's boyfriend is having second thoughts. His confidence is waning - not your stereotypical situation. I would try to reassure him and tell him you're there for him. Make him chill. It has only been 5 months and somethings don't need to be over analyzed. Is the honeymoon period also waning? Things getting a little familiar? The bloom is off the rose? Ask him to really think about why his feelings have changed, so the two of you can talk about them and address them together.

 

Is he normally a sensitive guy? Or maybe, have you been pushing him a little - asking to spend more time together, or "where is this going?" How many long term relationships has he had? Maybe he has a bit of your garden variety commitment phobia.

[pianoguy]

5 months seems early in the relationship to be talking about such things. "working out in the long term"? Who cares? It's only been 5 months.

[charlesandray]

As touched on, I want my bf to feel confident in his choice, but for whatever reason he doesn't right now. Most of you seem to take the stance that I should just listen to him, and that it was a good thing that he was able to come to me.

 

Yet, it's hard to hear your partner is having doubts without any reaction. As septembermourning went through herself, I am terrified of engaging myself with someone who just isn't in it, or too attached to me to leave when he may believe i really am not the one for him.

 

And to be honest, I've never believed in the concept of "the one" especially not after 5 months. Relationships take time to grow and they change. Honestly, I just wish he would relax.

 

To answer your questions, richpart: I do think the honeymoon phase has been waning, as we move into a more longterm, serious model. We do spend a lot of time together, almost nightly and I am open to giving him space if he needs it. As far as longterm relationships, his track record is pretty meh-- 2 relationships that lasted 1 year and he was the one who got dumped. (He's 28-years old) For the most part, he's not really been lucky in love, not at all the player type.

[hexaemeron]

Ohhh, sounds like he might be afraid of the axe falling again.

[yellow_sweater]

Ohhh, sounds like he might be afraid of the axe falling again.

 

Oh, bingo. That jumps right out at me.

 

I would still stick with my original advice: to listen. Truthfully, it sounds like he is still into you, but I suspect that he's nervous that this are (rightfully) cooling off, and that because of that, the relationship might be headed into murky water. If he still wants to be with you, I would give him a few more opportunities to miss you... and put a little more effort into making the time you spend together memorable. Actually, this is probably good relationship advice all around.

[pinkrobot]

5 months seems early in the relationship to be talking about such things. "working out in the long term"? Who cares? It's only been 5 months.

 

This is about the point in relationships I've always personally evaluated whether or not it would work in the long term. So based on what you've said, what do you consider an appropriate amount of time invested in a relationship to start thinking about this?

[oldenoughtoknow]

I'm still kind of on the fence. True, this could be a preemptive strike, or an attempt to test the OP's conviction.

 

Or, maybe he's a commitment phobe who's done this to all of his relationships - until they get sick of it and dump him. The old self-sabotage thing.

[charlesandray]

It's interesting to me that you both think he may have fears that the "axe might be falling." I didn't see that at all, especially since he is the one with the doubts- thus creating the axe to fall.

 

What do you mean by this, when you said that? What gives you idea that he might be afraid of it ending? It seems to me that he's the one facilitating it by saying he's having doubts about this working out in the long run, and/or maybe I'm not the one, etc

 

I feel like he's just really confused. Like he believes after 5 months he should know that this is it, and be madly in love with me-- And because that's not what he feels it's creating all sorts of doubt. Meanwhile, he's crying and upset over the reality of really losing me, which I think is most important and telling about what is probably the most tangible of his feelings. Yet, he doesn't seem to get that.

[charlesandray]

Also, as far as his past relationship dynamics go I know very little. One of his longterm relationships was when he was 20, and apparently she dumped him out of annoyance- felt he was immature.

 

The last 1-year relationship he had was 2 or three years ago. It started out as FWB with his roommate but became very serious. Apparently, one of those infatuation filled type relationships where you think you are madly in love but then the rainbows clear and you go through the crash and burn scenario. She dumped him after a period where they just were not getting along anymore. I get the sense she felt a little overwhelmed by him though.

[hexaemeron]

Think about it like this. If he were a gymnast, say on the balance beam, and he's going through a routine once, and at a specific point, he falls off... he's going to dust himself off and try again. Now, the second time around, he falls off at the exact same point. So, he dusts himself off again, but now, there's a pattern so when he's getting close to the same point in the routine a third time, he WILL be nervous because he'll expect there's a decent chance he's gonna fall off again.

[septembermourning]

I hate to say it but 5 months IS long enough to know in adult relationships or at least to know if the answer is leaning more strongly towards not forever.

 

I've found in 3 months you pretty much know whether or not someone has serious long term potential and if not you end it. I've been on both sides of this. There have been people I like and am attracted to but I know feelings don't run deep enough and I figure that out in first few months. It's not like when you were younger and you would date someone for a couple years or something.. the stakes are higher the older you are. You are more in touch w/your wants and needs and it takes less time to weed people out and in some cases you have less time to figure out because of goals.. like marriage or kids. I think anyway.

[hexaemeron]

I think all people/relationships are different. Some people might know sooner than others, but I don't think there's a definite timeline.

[charlesandray]

I mean, I sort of get what you're saying but at the same time in his past it was the girls who dumped him when he was being very doting and without doubt. I guess I just don't see the same pattern with us. It doesn't sound like to me he had doubts with them, and they dumped him. I've not given any indication of being unhappy to cause him to think it was coming.

 

I mean he's not overwhelming me with ridiculous infatuation type stuff the way he did with those girls. In fact, he's awesome- like my best friend. And he's said to me that this is the first time he's ever had a relationship like this (based on a real friendship and attraction), which he loves.

 

Maybe he's one of those guys that needs constant butterflies? I don't know. I don't mean to argue with you about him being afraid that the "axe is falling." It's just interesting that you saw that, and I'm trying to understand it better.

[septembermourning]

I've read some of your other posts and I hate to say it but it does not sound good He has been hesitant almost from the beginning. He has consistently expressed doubts. And if he has this many doubts so early on, I'm guessing it means he's not that into it. I KNOW how crappy that must sound but I have been in your spot before and my advice is to find someone else. Start dating other people. Being w/someone who is not that into you will shatter your confidence. Find someone who is in to you and it is not always questioning things. Otherwise you are just sitting around waiting for the axe to fall I'm afraid.

[septembermourning]

two other questions.... does he say I love you? and what is his dating history like?

[charlesandray]

Septembermourning,

 

He is extremely affectionate and expressive about his feelings, and is extremely thoughtful and attentive. He really is like a best friend- I don't feel at all that "he's not that into me." He's respectful, sees me a lot, always calls, includes me in every aspect of his life, I've met his family, etc In fact, I would say I'm probably the most important person in his life outside of family. We really do get along well, which is why this situation has me miffed.

 

And he did express doubts in the beginning that ultimately had nothing to do with us. I think he might be a bit of a CP, or at least confused. And when things reach a comfort zone, he gets uncomfortable again. It's something we've talked about in the past. And I've commended him then for having the heart to come to me and work though it. He really lacks experience in relationships, and often holds onto an unrealistic model of how they should work. But what I do appreciate about him, is his candor and his ability to talk things through with me, really listen and learn.

[septembermourning]

just my opinion. i hope it's not true and everything works out. best of luck to you

[limon]

I was in a similar situation a month ago. After being extremely committed to me for a while - so much that it was overwhelming - saying he wanted to spend his life with me, my boyfriend became much less sure. It never came out in the form of specific issues, just this feeling that maybe I wasn't the person he wanted to spend his life with, and maybe we weren't so happy together, and he had a hard time knowing why we were in this relationship at all.

 

I guess I don't have much real advice, but this is what happened to me. I listened to him, and didn't react strongly at first. But after a week or so I realized that I was really hurt knowing the person next to me was constantly questioning our relationship and our compatibility. I felt rejected and judged all the time - I didn't want to have to woo my boyfriend again. I told him I couldn't stand being in a relationship when he was just waiting for it to fail, and that while he was spending time with me he had to trust me and be open to enjoying himself. If he wanted to think about our relationship, he had to do it by himself, after reflecting on our time together. It's hard to be around someone when they're divided, and they're shutting off parts of themselves from you.

 

I hope it works out. The best thing I can recommend is that you spend some time apart, just a few days, and see if he can make up his mind at all.