babysunshine Posted July 25, 2009 Share Posted July 25, 2009 It's been almost 2 years since My ex-boyfriend broke up with me after a four-year relationship. I stupidly decided to stay friends with him. These past two years have been a cycle of NC for about two weeks, contacting him (or him contacting me) we text/talk, I get needy- he says he's busy can't talk, doesn't have time and he usually ends up saying something hurtful after I've exhausted him, and then I initiate NC again. Only to begin the cycle once more. I'm finally at the point where I am almost healed. When we do talk we both talk about our lives, family, mutual friends, and even who we're dating. My stomach doesn't get into knots anymore when I have to hear about any new girls and I don't feel the resentment/anger I used to. What I do know is that the position I am in is unhealthy. I obviously have not been able to fully let go and I realize that he is my EX-boyfriend and I probably shouldn't be talking to him on a daily basis. My biggest regret is not going NC right away and also agreeing to be friends. I remember right when we broke up he was still very confused and I know that if I would have let him have a taste of life without me for a bit we probably would be together right now. But, by being his friend I literally held his hand and helped him heal COMPLETELY. I keep beating myself over the head for this and wish I could rewind time and do NC right away. This umbilical cord that I have attached to him is not getting me anywhere. I decided today that I am getting rid of my facebook so that I am not seeing pictures and status updates of his life constantly. I also (and this is a little drastic, I know) am changing my phone number. Even though we have been broken up for two years, I have not healed the proper way. I still rely on him emotionally and his actions do affect me. It's very strange because although I no longer feel that pain and he is not on a pedestal, I still cannot cut the cord. It's been two years people! I am mentally exhausted as I'm sure he is as well. I want to be free from this. Am I being too drastic by completely eliminating him? I don't know what to do anymore. Help Link to comment
psychoanalytical Posted July 25, 2009 Share Posted July 25, 2009 Sounds to me like you need to have the placenta manually removed ASAP... Post-partum haemorrhage kills. Link to comment
lavenderdove Posted July 25, 2009 Share Posted July 25, 2009 No, you are not being drastic, you are doing what is right and healthy for you. There is nothing that says you have to stay friends with him just because he is fine with that, especially if it is holding you back and keeping you from getting on with your life and being happy. It is hard when you're used to someone being someone you can count on in your life, but the reality is he is only a 'buddy' now and the close emotional attachment you feel doesn't match the circumstances. So it is best to break that contact so that you can get attached to someone who will be your boyfriend and someone you can count on. We often hang on due to a false sense that we 'need' that person, but really we don't. What you need is a full and healthy life and to not be pining/in pain about someone who just isn't your man, though you hoped he would be. Link to comment
babysunshine Posted July 25, 2009 Author Share Posted July 25, 2009 Psycho- Thanks for the laugh... Lavender, I agree with everything you said. I am just a creature of comfort and also when I let someone into my life it's usually for a loooong time. (My four best girlfriends are the same ones from Kindergarden!). I can easily say I have issues with letting go and change. I'm very scared to just cease all contact, but deep down I know it's what I have to do. Changing my number is the only thing that will keep me from calling him because I don't want to look like a complete idiot! Thanks again for the advice. Link to comment
renaissancewoman101 Posted July 25, 2009 Share Posted July 25, 2009 Why throw out the baby with the bathwater??? You guys have been broken up for two years, yet been able to maintain a decent friendship. Do you know how many dumpees would envy that? At least you do have a good friend there who knows you and who you can turn to when times are tough or when you are struggling. It is hard to find a good, close friend who you can trust. You're lucky in that aspect. Has being friends with him stopped you from dating others or him from dating others? If not, there is nothing wrong with your frienship. I am best friends with my first ex. Yeah we have a lot of problems, but I do turn to him for emotional support when i need it. And it is good to have someone to cry on when dating relationships go bad. I dunno, but what I think you are doing is really not in your best interest. Link to comment
babysunshine Posted July 25, 2009 Author Share Posted July 25, 2009 Renaissance, I love that you bring the other side of the equation. The thing is that luckily, I have amazing friends and family who I can turn to for anything. Yes, my ex and I had an amazing friendship and he probably knew me better than anyone in this world but the truth is that it has been two years since we were in a relationship and he has changed A Lot. As have I. Also, he is busy with his new lifestyle, friends, and women and our friendship def takes the backburner in terms of his priorities. Link to comment
renaissancewoman101 Posted July 25, 2009 Share Posted July 25, 2009 Renaissance, I love that you bring the other side of the equation. The thing is that luckily, I have amazing friends and family who I can turn to for anything. Yes, my ex and I had an amazing friendship and he probably knew me better than anyone in this world but the truth is that it has been two years since we were in a relationship and he has changed A Lot. As have I. Also, he is busy with his new lifestyle, friends, and women and our friendship def takes the backburner in terms of his priorities. Does he make time at all for your friendship, or has it really taken a backseat? Sorry for all the questions Link to comment
babysunshine Posted July 25, 2009 Author Share Posted July 25, 2009 questions are good =). In the beginning he would make time. We spent time together, talked, but the breakup was still very fresh so it was hard on both of us. As time progressed, I think the cycle of talking/fighting/not talking took a toll on both him and me. He has never ignored me when I contact him, but he doesn't make that big of an effort to call me. He never really has to since I'm so available all the time. Now- a- days things are pretty good between us, but I miss him. I don't want him back but I miss being important/special in his life. He constantly tells me that our relationship will never be the same and that now there are boundaries that need to be observed. It's hard to go from having this man be absolutely crazy about talking to me and hearing from me, to telling me now that he's too busy to talk on the phone because he's watching a movie. Link to comment
Thornbirds18 Posted July 25, 2009 Share Posted July 25, 2009 Staying friends with your past love can be a blessing if both of you don't feel like it's draining you. When I broke up with my first real boyfriend I immediately stayed friends with him because I didn't want to lose him. I broke up with him because I didn't see a romantic future with him. When I was friends with him I tried to get him back but he resisted. It was hard for me. But after about two years I became content to be friends and buddies. Both of us dated other people but in the first few years we kept that to ourselves because we didn't want to hurt each other's feelings. I didn't know he had a girlfriend until he told me how bad he felt that the girl rejected his proposal. It was a blow for me but I recovered from the shock in a day or two. Later on I found my love again, who sent me to this board though. He's still looking but we're like brother and sister. We're each other's family and he provides tremendous support when I'm going through the most difficult breakup in my life. Poor guy have to bear with my crying for more than two months! We've been best friends for seven years already and we talk every other day! My point is, if you feel pain being friends with him, then don't try until you don't have romantic feelings for him anymore. Being friends with exes will be beneficial only when you just feel comfortable, relaxed, and happy with/for them. Not dreadful feelings, jealousy, discomfort, and other negative feelings. Let him know how you feel and don't talk to him for a while until you feel comfortable. The feelings between my this ex and I have become a family type love which is healthy for both of us. Hope you'll feel better soon. For my current ex I don't want to talk to him unless he initiated the communication. I respect him because he doesn't stay friends or talk to exes once the relationship is over. People are different, really. Link to comment
lavenderdove Posted July 25, 2009 Share Posted July 25, 2009 I think the answer here is easier than most people think. You have to look at every relationship in terms of whether is is causing you emotional pain or holding you back. If you can be friends with your ex and it doesn't make you feel pain or hold you back, then the relationship is fine, but if it is still causing you pain after 2 years, it is time to let go. You can also tell him (and yourself) that you need time to get over him, and will status again in one year to see i you're both interested in being friends again. I think if you have someone new that you love, those friendships are possible, but if you still want him or long for him, it is not healthy for you. Also, many marriages/romantic relationships just aren't necessarily copacetic with staying friends with an ex. When you get mad at your partner, you may run to the ex, or start comparing them with the ex, or be tempted to have an affair wtih the ex. And many partners are threatened/uncomfortable with exes, so it is not always practical to stay friends. Frequently these friendships do fine until a new steady partner or engagement happens, then they end up having to give up the person in the end anyway. So it is best to make the break when it is good for you rather than hanging on just because you were once lovers. So if the relationship is truly dead and there is no romance stirring in the ashes at all, it may be ok, but if there are still hopes/feelings involved, it is best to either give it a LONG time out, or else just recognize it is time to let go for everyone's sake. Link to comment
Jordan5571 Posted July 25, 2009 Share Posted July 25, 2009 Don't beat yourself up over that. I don't know if NC at the beginning would have changed all that you hope. I went into NC immediately after we parted. It has now been 3 years of NC, and I am not completely healed. I am 95%, but my stomach still gets knots when I think about what if I DIDN'T do 100% NC? I would love to have her in my life as a friend. But I chose not to, now I feel the opposite as you. I went NC, maybe I killed any chance of us ever being back together because we never even texted each other happy birthday (which her birthday is Monday). I managed to never look at her facebook or myspace. I am proud of myself, but what if I reminded her of how great of a friend and boyfriend I was just by being there for her? Because of NC, I never did that. Don't get me wrong, my brain is happy that it worked out this way because she wasn't right or me obviously. But my heart doesn't always agree. Listen, it sounds like you have a strong head on your shoulder, just as do I. And we took separate routes, and both turned out alright. Hang in there, it is my belief that we did all we could, and we are great people. I know this sounds bad, and i will also probably be bashed for saying this, but I believe that people like us, all we can do is get to 95%. That other 5% stays empty until we find something else that fills that void. Could be another relationship, could be a hobby... Just hang in there, I'm proud of you. Link to comment
catfeeder Posted July 25, 2009 Share Posted July 25, 2009 I think you're being smart and brave. You can always slice it down the middle and ask him not to contact you for 6 months or a year. Then you won't need to change your number or burn a bridge--but I agree with ditching the FB. In your corner, and cheers! Link to comment
1MoreChance Posted July 25, 2009 Share Posted July 25, 2009 "My biggest regret is not going NC right away and also agreeing to be friends. I remember right when we broke up he was still very confused and I know that if I would have let him have a taste of life without me for a bit we probably would be together right now." That is the past and I disagree that you "probably would be together right now". you really do not know. Isn't that something you just tell yourself to punish yourself? just like all the regret is self-punishing? the important thing is what yo do right now today and the days, weeks and months to come. and the fact that it's been two years means nothing. the fact that you were constantly in contact, "getting clingy" etc., means that you were refusing to cut the cord (you still had hope, unconsciouly, I guess). so you couldn't heal. It's normal. I wouldn't put a time limit on it. Just choose to behave a certain way, such as the steps you want to take on facebook. and you will move on. don't be so hard on yourslef. What's done is done. Obviously he isn't interested in being in a relationship with you a this point, otherwise he would be willing to commit instead of seeing all these new girls. I think that had you gone strict NC, the same thing would probably have happenned. It isn't your fault, he just isn't ready to commit to one relationship yet. If you do give yourself some space and time from him, maybe he'll see what he lost. I have no idea. I tell myself the same thing about my ex, but I am putting this distance and giving it time for myself. My goal is acceptance and healing. I just don't think he is ready or mature enough. I think that he prefers to let things be over and have new experiences. these are the times we live in, relationship wise. We don't cherish one person as our SO and aim to get together and start a family as easily as we once did. That is a "luxury" we have these days. I wish relationships were not so disposable, but unfortunatelly they are. There are probably pros and cons to that... I think the connection my ex and I was incredible, but he just doesn't want to be in a relationship with me, no matter what I do, no matter how fabulous I potentially am or could be. The only thing I suggest is letting him know your intentions should you change your phone number. let him know you need time and space and being friends is not possible right now. (for facebook personally I wouldn't care, it's just an internet social networking site, but maybe you fell that it is similar to the phone number thing... go with what you believe). I think we also idealize them when they leave (which brings me to your second signature phrase: I am missing you far better than I ever loved you). That is sooooo full of truth, for many many of us. take care of yourself. Link to comment
babysunshine Posted July 25, 2009 Author Share Posted July 25, 2009 Thank you for all the encouraging words, advice, and personal struggles with detaching from someone you love. It has been more than 30 times that I have told him" I need space to heal, let's not talk for a while". Then, I contact him. It makes me feel weak, ridiculous, and pathetic. The longest I've been NC in the past 2 years is 40 days. I feel like my only option is to get a new number since that way I will not contact him, and wont have to worry about when he might be trying to get a hold of me. It's a super easy process and I can just send a mass text to the people in my contacts about my new number. It's a huge decision though, but I feel it is my only way out. It's all or nothing with him. Even in the friends sense. I either want a true best-friend or nothing at all. Since he can't give me his all (I realize my expectations about contact and friendship are too high for an ex boyfriend) then I have to go with the nothing. Oh, and if it makes a difference I currently live in San Francisco and he lives in San Diego so we are miles and miles apart. Even though I am moving back down to San Diego in December =( Link to comment
renaissancewoman101 Posted July 25, 2009 Share Posted July 25, 2009 Babysunshine, when you move down here to San Diego, I hope you will meet someone else to date and fall in love with. Link to comment
babysunshine Posted July 25, 2009 Author Share Posted July 25, 2009 Thanks Renaissance. I actually grew up in San Diego after moving there from Brazil. It's a lovely city and I miss the Sun so much! I'm just finishing up school out here in SF but I'm ready to get out. Been here almost three years and the gloom is horrible. It's been drizzling and foggy the past week and it's JULY!!! I'm excited to move back to SD but not about living in the same city as the EX Link to comment
renaissancewoman101 Posted July 25, 2009 Share Posted July 25, 2009 SD is a big city. You'll make lots of friends and meet someone special to date. I've lived here for over 3 years now. I've made some friends, dated a bit, but no relationship. Still searching for that though. Link to comment
shellov Posted July 26, 2009 Share Posted July 26, 2009 Babysunshine, You sound like me... Im sorry you're going through this. Like you, I've maintained contact with the ex. I would think that if you really are meant to be friends, then a period of NC would not matter in the long run. I don't know about you, but the more time I spend with a person, the more I build some sort of attachment with that person. It's hard to cut the cord on this one (as he sounds like a good catch). But with you writing here, it just seems like the friendship with him is holding you back in a way. I wish you luck. Link to comment
babysunshine Posted July 26, 2009 Author Share Posted July 26, 2009 Thanks Shell- Good luck to you as well. You are absolutely right about a growing attachment the longer I am with someone (whether it be a SO or a friend). We were together four years and have spent the last two in contact so Six years is a lot of time. The thing is whereas I think with my emotions, he is much more rational and can detach himself when need be. I love him immensely and he truly is an amazing person but as long as I continue to focus on him I will not heal. I'm not telling him I am changing my number because I have told him I was moving on sooooooooo many times that he even tells me "Ok so Ill hear from you in a week?!". Its just what I have to do. Im scared because I don't know what life is like without him. He was my first love and meant everything to me these past six years. I know that I am strong and I need to turn the focus on me, and just let him go. UGH Link to comment
babysunshine Posted July 27, 2009 Author Share Posted July 27, 2009 Well, As of fifteen minutes ago I have a new number and deactivated facebook. I feel unusually free and ready to bring all my focus back to me. Of course I feel slightly scared and sad that I had to cut him out and that I won't be getting calls/texts from him anymore. =( Link to comment
Jordan5571 Posted July 27, 2009 Share Posted July 27, 2009 I am proud of you. hang in there, Today marks a new start to healing. Link to comment
renaissancewoman101 Posted July 27, 2009 Share Posted July 27, 2009 If he tried to find some way to contact you, would you respond? Just curious. You are strong to cut off a friendship like that. I know I couldn't, esp if the guy was still friendly to me. Link to comment
jaylh25 Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 I agree with lavendar, if its causing you pain and you still miss him you need to let go. Ive had the same thing for 10 months and my ex is living with someone but she still wants to be friends. It was causing me pain and i know i still love her (despite everything) so in the end i had to tell her that we needed to cut contact and maybe a year down the road we'll be able to talk again. Its not easy for sure, but try just explaining how you feel to him first. End of the day you have to do whats best for you. Link to comment
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