melissag87 Posted July 25, 2009 Author Share Posted July 25, 2009 Thanks for all the wonderful advice! especially Lavenderdove....your advice was very insightful. The situation with me and my ex is strange because we don't just meet up to have sex...we usually end up going on a date and he'll pay for my movie tix or dinner and then we'll get affectionate and one thing leads to another. But I find myself usually being the one who calls him to hang out. I called him this past Wed. to go jogging and after i can tell he wanted to hook up but I told him that I had to meet my sister somewhere and that I couldn't stay. I haven't heard from him since. I think i'm just going to backoff and see if he gets nervous....the next time that I know for certain that I will see him is next Saturday for my birthday...me and a bunch of my friends are going out to a club and he said he would come....One of my friends gave me advice to dance with him the whole night and make him think that we're gonna hook up at the end of the night but instead just not to do it and go home by myself. Do you guys agree? would this make him want me more? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted July 25, 2009 Share Posted July 25, 2009 Sure if you want to play a game (the old unoriginal game of Tease) and win the prize - the prize is he will be interested in taking you out on a date, maybe three if you keep up the game, but as soon as you stop playing the game - he will get bored again just like he did the last time. Then you'll be even more hurt. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brownstone322 Posted July 25, 2009 Share Posted July 25, 2009 I was in a "friends with benefits" relationship once, with me being the one receiving most of the benefits. She drove over to my house once a week; she made almost all the effort. Of course she eventually got fed up with all that and broke it off. But I didn't even care, because, after all, it was only friends with benefits. I had been looking for someone else the entire time. (OK, I did miss the benefits somewhat, because they were pretty good.) Think about that? Do you really want to be in a relationship where the other half doesn't really care about the depth of the relationship? Does a beautiful young girl like yourself not deserve better? (And, trust me, you will find better.) Epilogue The strange twist to my story -- and I can't make this stuff up -- is that, more than a year later, she came back to see if I were still available (I wasn't). Turns out she really liked the benefits part too and was willing to start another round. Life is indeed strange. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chickenjuice Posted July 25, 2009 Share Posted July 25, 2009 The few times I ever had a FWB, it was known and agreed upon from the get go that it was in fact just that. It wasnt with an ex, it wasnt with someone who was emotionally attached. It was exactly what it was, 2 friends enjoying the benefit of a man and a woman. Puckdog27, your FWB situations were different, in that neither of you were ever emotionally attached. Going from a romantic relationship to FWB can only spell heartbreak and emotional turmoil for at least one person. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Puckdog27 Posted July 25, 2009 Share Posted July 25, 2009 Puckdog27, your FWB situations were different, in that neither of you were ever emotionally attached. Going from a romantic relationship to FWB can only spell heartbreak and emotional turmoil for at least one person. That was my point. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chickenjuice Posted July 25, 2009 Share Posted July 25, 2009 Puckdog: Thanks, now I understand. I hadn't seen your other post on this topic. So maybe you aren't really friends with benefits, but there is still something amiss: You are pusuing him far too much, and he was the one who dumped you. I have made this mistake before, myself, and it doesn't work the way you hope it will. You may think you are being sly, but I'm sure he can see your intentions, and you may look desperate to him. He knows you are trying to get him back, but your plan is probably backfiring. The problem is that it needs to be his idea to reconcile, at this point. You have done enough already, and all you're really doing is looking needy, and as a result, less desirable to your ex. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but I've been in your shoes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lavenderdove Posted July 25, 2009 Share Posted July 25, 2009 The thing is, if what he really wants for himself right now is to be open to dating a lot of girls, then no matter what you do it won't bring him back as a boyfriend, so playing games won't help and might just irritate him. He has to decide that he wants you back and wants to be faithful and committed to you. That is what you really need him to do, and some change has to happen inside himself for him to want to do that. I really think you just shouldn't sleep with him at all until he says he's ready to date you again. Otherwise he'll just use you as something to tide him over whenever he's horny or doesn't have a date with someone else. It really is a negotiation, i.e., you have to decide what you want, and see if he is willing to give you what you want, and pay the price for that (i.e., if he is going to see you all the time and have sex with you, then the price is fidelity and commitment). Otherwise he's getting all the goodies for free, your attention, your time, your body, etc., and then he just walks away owing you nothing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melissag87 Posted July 30, 2009 Author Share Posted July 30, 2009 Thanks for the advice, I'm just so confused. I'm scared to walk away. I should have faith in myself and I should be confident that he'll come crawling back because I was a damn good g/f, but i'm a whimp and i'm too scared to do it. My birthday is this friday and i'm going out with my friends to celebrate on Saturday night, that's the next time I will see him Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BriarRose Posted July 30, 2009 Share Posted July 30, 2009 It seems like saying to someone "Hey, I'd love to have sex with you every now and then but not actually call you or hang out or go on dates. I just want your body but not your company and if you consent this, I don't even have to feel guilty about it because you're agreeing that we can just use each other. Afterall, we're just 'friends' and when I meet someone who is actual girlfriend material, I'll be on my way. Whatdaya say??" ... Well said.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lavenderdove Posted July 30, 2009 Share Posted July 30, 2009 I think the thing lots of women don't get about guys is that frequently they just don't want a girlfriend. They want lots of variety and to date different girls and to hang out with their buddies, but the see the comfort and regularity of a girlfriend as too much responsibility and cramping their style. They just don't want to be tied down to anyone. So you could be a great girlfriend, but if what he wants to be is a butterfly hopping from girl to girl, then what you are offering is not what he wants. That is why he is willing to have sex and see you now and again because that is fun for him, but whenever you make any 'girflriend' demands on him, he doesn't want that. So if you really can't break free yet, then let him SEE you, but not HAVE you. By that i mean, he gets to see how great you are, but he doesn't get all the perks of you being a girlfriend like sex, and you acting like a girlfriend and seeing him whenever he wants. If he has that, he has no reason to make you his girlfriend because you're giving him 'girlfriend' but he's controlling the situation and deciding not to be responsible to you. So you need to take charge of your own life and self, and say, if you want me to act like a girlfriend (sex and free access to you), then you have to give me what i want, which is fidelity and commitment. Otherwise he gets to look but not touch, and be a FRIEND not a boyfriend/sex partner. Girls think 'if i don't give him sex and see him whenever he wants, he'll find someone else'. But the reality is, if he's in that 'i dont' want a girlfriend now' mode, even if you give him everything he wants, he'll still look for other women, because that is what he wants to do, date around for variety. He's not looking for a girlfriend, just a lot of fun dates. If you want more than a fun date, then giving him sex won't bring him back if he's in the mood to date around. What might bring him back is if he looks around for a while and decides he doesn't want to date around, he want a girlfriend. But he has to date around for a while to come to that conclusion. And he certainly remembers how great you are as a girlfriend, and won't forget you, and is more likely to come back if he misses you rather than if you're hanging around available and he gets to take years playing the field and having fun and you'll still be there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
moonbug Posted July 30, 2009 Share Posted July 30, 2009 ^^^^^^ Touche... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nauum Posted August 5, 2009 Share Posted August 5, 2009 So what's going on now? I'm interested in this thread!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.