melissag87 Posted July 24, 2009 Share Posted July 24, 2009 Hey everyone, Well my ex-bf and I have agreed to stay friends...we see eachother about 1-2 times a weeks...except whenever we see eachother we end up having sex. He's sort of sucked me into a FWB situation...we've spoken about it and don't want to call it FWB...we sort of agreed to casually date. But it's soooo difficult to go from a 3 year serious relationship to casually dating. I just don't know if i'm strong enough to handle being in a very casual relationship but then when I think about losing him completely I think i'll really break down and get seriously depressed. I just don't know what to do. Maybe i should just go with the flow for a while and not act needy to see what happens. Has anyone here ever been in a FWB situation? and if so, how did you handle it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amasa Posted July 24, 2009 Share Posted July 24, 2009 I don't know if I would call it a FWB situation either. Just like your feelings for him didn't end the moment the relationship did his probably didn't either. I think it matters why you broke up. Did he cheat? Was the stress of a serious relationship so young the breaker? Is this an opportunity for you to slowly work on your issues with out some of the pressure of needing to get back into a relationship? Are ya'll really going out and working on an emotional bond as well as a physical one? I think that there is potential for good things to come from this as long as you know you need to stay emotionally protected since you don't know where it's going. And if he's dating other women you need to stay physically protected Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laura11111 Posted July 24, 2009 Share Posted July 24, 2009 I wouldn't mess around with a fwb situation after dating a guy for 3 years. I think you're going to get hurt. The best thing to do for now is nc...then talk about being friends without benefits. Best of luck Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melissag87 Posted July 24, 2009 Author Share Posted July 24, 2009 I don't know if I would call it a FWB situation either. Just like your feelings for him didn't end the moment the relationship did his probably didn't either. I think it matters why you broke up. Did he cheat? Was the stress of a serious relationship so young the breaker? Is this an opportunity for you to slowly work on your issues with out some of the pressure of needing to get back into a relationship? Are ya'll really going out and working on an emotional bond as well as a physical one? I think that there is potential for good things to come from this as long as you know you need to stay emotionally protected since you don't know where it's going. And if he's dating other women you need to stay physically protected He dumped me because he felt that he "needed his space" and that he was going nowhere in life and he wanted to finish school and get a promotion at work and he wanted to focus on those things instead of being in a relationship. I was always very supportive of him so i didn't understand...i loved him unconditionally. I honestly think he broke up with me because he got bored and maybe wanted to start talking to other women. I recently found out that he had started talking to a girl that works at a starbucks in my neighborhood....but i don't know if he' gone on a date with her...i also heard from a friend that she has a b/f so maybe i shouldn't worry too much. Whenever we see eachother it's fresh because we have alot to talk about since we only see eachother once or twice a week as opposed to before when we would see eachother every single day. I'm just really scared that i'm going to get hurt...i don't think he is seeing anyone else but i don't think i would handle it very well if i found out he was. I'm a very conventional person and i don't know if i can handle this casual dating Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dancergirl425 Posted July 24, 2009 Share Posted July 24, 2009 Sounds to me like you know deep down in your heart what you should do...walk away from this situation before you get hurt even more. Just be strong and "forget your feelings and remember what you deserve".. You deserve someone that will be willing to commit to you and only you not just when it is convenient. He is not a bad guy, but I think you need to wait till he is ready to be in a relationship again to get physically+emotionally involved again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
atelis Posted July 24, 2009 Share Posted July 24, 2009 it doesn't work, period. there is just no possible way that two people who shared a history together can continue to have sex without some sort of feelings involved in both or at least one of the party's. people will claim they have done it and that it can be done, but they are BSing themselves. someone will get hurt. A lot of people also use the excuse that 'we will have FWB until we find other people'. How can you find other people when you are getting your physical needs met by someone? It just means that you won't be putting 100% effort into meeting others and if you do meet someone, chances are you won't be as responsive to the new person because in the back of your mind, you are still enjoying good sex with someone else. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arcadefire Posted July 24, 2009 Share Posted July 24, 2009 Don't continue it. Stop it cold turkey, and mean it. A break up is a break up, and he is clearly still using you as someone "on the side." Is that how you want to be treated by an ex? A FWB situation with an ex will never work because in the end someone will get emotionally involved and get hurt when the ex moves on to someone new. You don't want to prolong your period of moving on. Start now and don't look back. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amasa Posted July 24, 2009 Share Posted July 24, 2009 I think it's important for you to be honest with yourself and with him about what you can and cannot handle. If you can't handle him dating other women tell him that. You can be FWB as long as he's not dating other women. Or not sleeping with other women. Then you'll know what his true intentions are and where you should be. But if he just wants space to work on his life and have more freedom. I don't really see that as a relationship dealbreaker, exspecially at 21. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dancergirl425 Posted July 24, 2009 Share Posted July 24, 2009 You can be FWB as long as he's not dating other women. Or not sleeping with other women. Isn't that a relationship though? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amasa Posted July 24, 2009 Share Posted July 24, 2009 Or casually dating, as they are now.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ivory_Tower Posted July 24, 2009 Share Posted July 24, 2009 A clear cut situation where he wants to have his cake and eat it too. Don't allow that! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
waveseer Posted July 24, 2009 Share Posted July 24, 2009 I have tried this and it doesn't work for me because any man I still want after it's over I really don't want it to be over. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
moonbug Posted July 24, 2009 Share Posted July 24, 2009 Been there. Doesn't work. It usually follows a script. He will tell you he needs his space. Gets the guilt of screwing you up out of the way that way. Then he still acts like he likes you, so that the FWB thing can happen. This goes on for a while. You will keep getting screwed in your mind about whether anything will come out of this relationship. Then it will get to a point where the whole things starts looking like some freakin warped relationship where you don't know how you feel about each other exactly. Around this point, the guy will scoot, either with someone new or just to be by himself. You won't have anything on him since he had already made his stance clear that he wanted his space (which meant he didn't owe you anything). You will be left as a mess. I have been the jerk who has done this to a girl (although completely unintentionally, but thats hardly a defense). I have seen how devastated it left the girl. I went back purely because I felt sick of myself for doing that to someone. But I know loads of guys who followed the same script, didn't go back ever and didn't care what happened to the girls. All in all, its a recipe for disaster. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melissag87 Posted July 24, 2009 Author Share Posted July 24, 2009 Thanks for all the great responses everyone! I'm still so cofused...I feel that everytime I want to get together I'm the one who ends up making the phone call to hang out. I think that I'm just gonna back off a little bit and see if he calls me. I know what I have to do, I need to walk away from the relationship before I get really hurt. But I'm scared that if i completely walk away i'll always be thinking "what if i would have waited the situation out and seen where we would have gone...what if we would have gotten back together?" I'm so confused i feel like i'm at a crossroads and can't make a decision. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cnstnt Evolutn Posted July 24, 2009 Share Posted July 24, 2009 VERY dangerous territory.... Its hard to have such a relationship and I'll tell you from personal experience the guy will be okay with it, as I was, but my ex finally cut the cord to the situation as she still had feelings and couldnt continue that way... oddly enough, now I kind of want her back... others on this forum know my story. But basically it was hard to stay that way and we are now ostensibly in NC, as we had to get out of that rut and stay away from one another for a period of months...we have spoken recently, just a one time fluke as she wanted to talk. But I dont really count that as a break in the NC so its been about 5 1/2 months now. I don't anticipate regular contact to begin anytime soon even though that much time has lapsed. It's my understanding now that in that situation, someone will always develop more feelings than the other and it could likely ruin things. If I were you I'd try to cut it out ASAP... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lavenderdove Posted July 24, 2009 Share Posted July 24, 2009 What do you really want for yourself? Do you want a boyfriend, or a guy who will show up for sex but not give you the respect of being his girlfriend? I think if you want him back as a boyfriend, you have a far better chance of getting him back if you show him what it means to not have you anymore. If he knows you're always there on HIS terms and he can flirt and date anyone else he chooses, then he's happy as a clam and you're wondering where he is when he's not with you. He KNOWS you're waiting for him and wanting him back. I suggest you tell him that you don't want to be second best or part of a herd of women he gets to pick from whenever he's in the mood. It's also not fair to any new guy you're dating for you to still be pining over the ex. He needs to know that if he doesn't want what you've got, ALL of what you've got, not just sex, then you will take your fine self somewhere else and be with someone who appreciates you and your love. The way most men operate is that he'll want you MORE if he thinks the door is closing. If the door is always open, what's his hurry? Also, he has time and freedom to explore other options while having the safety and security of you in the background. Don't be his backup plan! You should be his FIRST choice and only choice if you want a boyfriend rather than just a sex partner. I suggest you give NC a try... tell him that you think the only way to find out if you are right for each other is to NOT see each other and see how it feels. So tell him you won't see him for 3 months, and will date other people while he does too. Then if he wants to call at the end of 3 months, he can. Take your power back and show him that the relationship is not controlled just by him, and that you have better things to do than let him treat you like a free hooker while he scopes out other women at Starbucks or anywhere else. If you mean enough to him, he won't let you go. And if he does let you go, then you didn't mean that much to him regardless. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeartGoesOn Posted July 24, 2009 Share Posted July 24, 2009 Being in a "FWB" relationship is selling yourself short, and cheap. Just my opinion... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Puckdog27 Posted July 25, 2009 Share Posted July 25, 2009 Pretty much all the time because you are emotionally attached, they just want some. They meet someone and cant be a FWB anymore and your left for dead Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chickenjuice Posted July 25, 2009 Share Posted July 25, 2009 A lot of good advice here. Lavenderdove gave you the best advice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tigerfan Posted July 25, 2009 Share Posted July 25, 2009 A lot of good advice here. Lavenderdove gave you the best advice. I agree. Lavenderdove hit the nail on the head. He is using you plain and simple. You don't want that! As hard as it is, you need to tell him you won't be used and be a backup plan to him. Then go NC. If he comes back, great. If not, you really didn't mean that much to him. I had to go NC in my situation (She needed space to 'sort things out'). After some groveling on my part (dumb I know), it pushed her away even more so I went NC, and now almost two months later, we are on our way to reconciling. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lavenderdove Posted July 25, 2009 Share Posted July 25, 2009 Actually, most people never recommend a FWB situation with an ex you hope to get back together with. The only time it *might* work is if you don't have any real feelings for the person or care if they date someone else or leave you. If you have feelings for the person, or hope they will date you in future, then it is just slow torture and a total distraction from your real goal, which is finding someone who loves you and wants to be with you in every way, not just for sex now and again. Some people can separate sex and love, but if you have any romantic feelings at all for the person, then it is always a big disaster that wrecks your self esteem and prevents you from really enjoying new people and dates with someone who might actually end up being a partner rather than just sex that leaves you yearning for more and that builds false hopes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BriarRose Posted July 25, 2009 Share Posted July 25, 2009 Unfortunately, most people in a FWB situation will tend to stay there (from what I have seen) until one meets someone else and moves on. In this case, hopefully it will be OP that will meet someone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Puckdog27 Posted July 25, 2009 Share Posted July 25, 2009 The few times I ever had a FWB, it was known and agreed upon from the get go that it was in fact just that. It wasnt with an ex, it wasnt with someone who was emotionally attached. It was exactly what it was, 2 friends enjoying the benefit of a man and a woman. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
savignon Posted July 25, 2009 Share Posted July 25, 2009 It seems like saying to someone "Hey, I'd love to have sex with you every now and then but not actually call you or hang out or go on dates. I just want your body but not your company and if you consent this, I don't even have to feel guilty about it because you're agreeing that we can just use each other. Afterall, we're just 'friends' and when I meet someone who is actual girlfriend material, I'll be on my way. Whatdaya say??" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Puckdog27 Posted July 25, 2009 Share Posted July 25, 2009 It seems like saying to someone "Hey, I'd love to have sex with you every now and then but not actually call you or hang out or go on dates. I just want your body but not your company and if you consent this, I don't even have to feel guilty about it because you're agreeing that we can just use each other. Afterall, we're just 'friends' and when I meet someone who is actual girlfriend material, I'll be on my way. Whatdaya say??" Exactly which is why it never really works out and its more than not the woman who gets crushed, woman attach more emotion to sex then men. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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