if your lt partner was asked this?

[seren]

if your partner of 7 yrs was asked this question: 'would you be completely devestated if your gf left you?" and his response was "I dunno..I so dunno'. Pause. "Life goes on".

 

what would you think??

[Siriana]

well life goes on.

devastated .. no... life goes on. it is hard in the beginning but than life goes on

[COtuner]

It's a strange question to ask out of nowhere

[Mankind]

I'd think "why was the partner asked that question?"

[Dragunov-21]

I'm guessing it was asked by someone other than yourself?

 

In which case he may've just been put on the spot and unwilling to be emotionally candid.

 

If someone asked me, I probably wouldn't tell them how devastated I'd be.

[greensleeves]

I'd think it was a realistic answer. How would you answer if you were asked the same question? Nobody really knows how they'll react to a situation until it actually happens, so the answer "I dunno...life goes on" is probably the most truthful answer he can give.

[Maya_A]

'm guessing it was asked by someone other than yourself?

 

In which case he may've just been put on the spot and unwilling to be emotionally candid.

 

If someone asked me, I probably wouldn't tell them how devastated I'd be.

 

|^^^^

Absolute ditto sentiments...

 

I'd never share my deepest personal feelings about my relationship with anyone but my partner.

 

I'd leave it alone & if you are having issues at the moment (not saying you are but don't know why someone asked your partner that) I'd address them between you two only & keep others out of it.

 

Again, not saying it is the case but noting that it is so, so important not to "test" someone with questions/scenarios. I think most of us have done it at one time or another in life but people do not like to be tested at all. It backfires. If there is something one partner is wondering about - best to just address the issue for the crux of what it is.

[catfeeder]

I'm guessing it was asked by someone other than yourself?

 

In which case he may've just been put on the spot and unwilling to be emotionally candid.

 

If someone asked me, I probably wouldn't tell them how devastated I'd be.

 

Yep. Sounds like someone is stirring your pot. Who asked the question, and was it in your presence?

 

If asked in front of you, I would have responded, "Why would you ask such a question?" and divert the 'spot' to asker.

 

If not asked in front of you, then who kindly relayed this conversation to you? THAT is your pot stirrer, and I'd directly question the motives behind telling you any of this.

[ladyblue07]

I think he was just being honest. It's true that life does go on even after a relationship ends. That doesn't mean that it is not a sad event or he doesn't care. It just means he probably would not kill himself just because you left him - and that's a good thing.

[seren]

His ex, obviously from yrs ago who he keeps in touch with asked him the question in an online chat and i read it. She asked him because he was talking to her about me n him going thru a lil rough patch.

 

I felt a bit upset by it. I dont know why, i guess because i feel like if i was asked the q my answer would be 'of course, we have been together 7 yrs, i dont know that i could meet someone i would feel the same about' or something like that.

 

My answer def wouldnt have been 'i dunno..i so dunno, life goes on'.

 

he has also in the past had inappropraite conversations with his ex sayin how he has soft spot for her n some feelings still etc etc, obviously this does not help the situation when i think abot it.

 

he has in the past asked to 'see' her again also. but this is besides the point, i am more wondering about the current issue of what he said about how he would feel f i left.

 

do you think it means he isnt in love? does it mean he doesnt care if i left? or at least not as much as he should.

 

should i be concerned?

[Dragunov-21]

^^Hmmm... It's a difficult one.

 

Worst case scenario, could be that he didn't want to rule out getting a little closer than he should with her in future, but as to whether that's possilbe/likely, you're the best one to judge that.

 

Honestly, I the most candid answer I would give to an ex if asked that question would be "I love her very much", but it really depends on the ex, and a guy's relationship with her.

 

Are things ok in your relationship with him generally? I wouldn't be worried about his response to a question, but rather be focussed on making sure the relationship is working for both of you.

[arcadefire]

Seems odd he is having these types of conversations with his ex... raises a big red flag but that is besides the intention of the thread.

 

I would seriously rethink your relationship with him and how much you two love each other. If it is clearly one sided, after seven years, you may need to assess how realistic it is that this relationship is going to last.

[Allyo]

Well if you are going through a rough spot like you said, he might be starting to think that well life would go on if you two had to break up. It might be a more practical than a heartfelt answer.

 

If you are having problems or fighting sometimes how much you love the person doesn't matter so much. Two people can be in love and care about each other a lot, but that doesn't mean that a relationship will work out or that they will always be together... unfortunately!

 

Maybe I would focus on solving your problems and on the positive aspects of the relationship. I wouldn't take it immediately as a sign that he doesn't care or wants to break up or anything more drastic.

 

Personal note - I still talk to one my exes quite frequently even though I am currently seeing somebody else. I am a forgiving person, and have made an attempt to stay on good terms or be friends will all my exes because well I hate the alternative - being mad, jealous, resentful, etc... I feel close to him and can tell him personal things because of the amount of time we spent together, but that doesn't mean I harbor feelings or want to still be with him. If you have been with this guy for such a long time I find it hard to believe that he could be holding on to an ex! But I guess it could happen... Things are always more complicated than they look at the surface!

[Dragunov-21]

From what you've said, OP, I've seen nothing that would suggest that the relationship is one-sided, and I would add one thing.

 

Depending on the nature of the breakup (and therefore relationship with ex), the ex is often the one guys go to to talk over current relationship problems with another girl. Look at what an ex brings, in such a situation.

 

- A girl's perspective

- Someone you're close to (sometimes).

- Someone who knows you well, and knows how you act in a relationship. (not necessarily applicable to current relationship, but still)

- Unfortunately, sometimes, alterior motives.

 

As far as it goes, 3 outta 4 aint too bad when you're looking for advice.

 

So what sort of inappropriate conversations do you mean, and how long ago?

[seren]

His ex and he broke up because she was only 19 and he was in his late 20's, he wanted to settle down and didnt want to get too involved with someone who could easily just take off, cheat, get bored etc etc. She agreed she was young and travelling. She was also only on temporary visa and so they decided not to continue and she moved back home to her country basically on other side of the world.they have remained in touch since.

 

He and I were somewhat casual in the beginning but become very close over time and have been together now for 7 yrs. Sometimes I have worried that he is with me because unlike his ex I was more of a sure thing and comfortable and safe but i do think he loves me, i mean we have been together 7 yrs!

 

Now, in regards to his contact with his ex, i know you guys will have a lot to say about it! I have known for some time (he doesnt know i know) that he tried to see her again before she left. You see after they broke up she was in the country for just under a yr about 10 months, during this time they did not see each other. She found out that he had started seeing me and was quite upset. But they remained in touch. I saw some texts he had sent her sayig that he would be very temped to get close with her again but that it would be wrong as they obviously wouldnt work as a cpl and he didnt want to screw things up with her as they were now 'friends' after a few months of no contact after they broke up.

 

Fast forward to the last 6 months, i read some of their emails. He tells her if he saw her again he would definetly be tempted to cheat and although he hates to say it, he probablyw ould cheat on me. He said he is glad she doesnt live in our country as if she did he would want to 'see' her. She asked him if he still had feelings for her when he was talking about this and he said 'maybes...a lil'. (btw my bf always speaks in non comittal ways).

 

he said if they did seee ach other and got close that he thinks he would feel a bit sad and it would get a bit complicated as he thinks there would definetly be feelings there.

 

he said he feels as though they didnt have an ending and that he has wondered what if.

 

i know how bad this sounds, i do, but sometimes i thnk maybe he is just feeding her this bs cos he is feeling bored or something. The only thing that worries me is that he has been saying these things to her for 7 yrs and that is a long time. He has stayed with me though nother, u know.

 

She has been in rships nearly the whole 7 yrs also, with 2 different guys. She was engaged to one but they have recently broke up. she broke up with him. do you think maybes he has only stayed with me because she also has been in rships and unavailable? I dont think so cos he has never made any attemot at getting her back but he has stayed in touch with her and told her stuff about feelings and wanting to 'see' her again.

 

anyways I have gone through all this in my head over and over. What i was more concerned with at the moment was his comment. I could really have used hearing him say that he WOULD be devestated cos then i would know we were ok, but he didnt. u know. so his answer to the q does bother me.

 

do you guys really think its nothing to worry about..the fact that he said 'i dunno, life goes on?

 

how can you not think it is concerning? do you mean just not worry about it because all you can do is make sure things r ok bw me n him and just focus on that? even though this is concerning? or is it just not concerning at all??

 

i would have expected a guy after 7 yrs to be a bit more than 'i dunno'.

 

I dont think that just because he talks like this with his ex means he doesnt love me. I think he could just be using her as back up or something. I odnt know. what u think?

[catfeeder]

Do you have a desire to marry this guy? If so, it doesn't sound as though he's been willing to set a date.

 

I guess the question I'd ask myself is this: if I knew that this is the absolute most that this guy would ever offer me--no more, but no less--would I stay or go?

 

If this was enough for me, I'd drop the whole ex concern. If not, and I've been wanting more from him, then I'd see the ex thing combined with 7 years of no moving forward as his writing on the wall that I'm not his 'one'--which means he couldn't be mine, either. I'd plan a departure date in order to move on, grieve, heal, then find someone who shares my vision and goals--and who's as willing to make me his number one as I would be him.

 

In your corner.

[seren]

Catfeeder, can i ask you: what would yo do if you were me? would it be enough for you? out of curiosity.

 

thanks for replies thus far

[catfeeder]

Catfeeder, can i ask you: what would yo do if you were me? would it be enough for you? out of curiosity.

 

thanks for replies thus far

 

I'm not in the market for marriage and children, so I can't answer that. If those are your goals, then this isn't the guy.

 

If I was with someone who I didn't trust enough to avoid reading his emails, then I'd need to walk on. It's not about making him into a villain, it's just that I wouldn't be willing to settle for someone I suspected of settling for me. I'm either in it for mutual love and devotion with someone who views me through the right lens, or I'm not in it at all.

 

I'd be willing to spend as long as it takes solo in order to find the right man. I'd want wrong matches to pass early. We never get any spent time back.

 

In your corner.

[seren]

Hmm yah. After his comment and feeling so let down I thik I need to reasses the rship.

 

I never really got over the fact that he said he would cheat also, i mean what if their paths did cross? especially now se is single.

 

Its just ahrd cos I have put so much time and effort into this rship i feel like i shuld stay just because of that but than again I am still fairly young and like you said time spent is time i cant get back

 

any other opinions?

[Ms Darcy]

I have some thoughts after reading your thread, but I have some questions first.

 

1. It sounds like he's 35 or 36 right? How old are you?

2. Do you want to marry him? 7 years is a long time to be with someone without some kind of commitment (either marriage or some other arrangement).

3. Do you two live together?

4. What prompted you to look at his messages in the first place?

5. How do you feel about the relationship in general? Are you two close? Do you go on dates? Are you both "in love"? Are you happy with the amount of affection and attention you give each other?

[savignon]

I think after 7 years together, it would bother me much more that he said he would maybe cheat, maybe still has feelings, 'good thing we don't live in the same country', etc. With all that combined, it's not surprising at all that he would say "I dunno". Aside from the fact that you say he uses "non-commital language" regularly, everything you have found suggests he's not as committed as you are. So, the "I dunno" fits the puzzle and is not out of character.

I'm wondering why you're so hung up on that one line. Are you happy going through his texts/emails and hiding that from him on a regular basis? Are you happy knowing he obviously still has feelings for her and "doesn't know" how he'd feel if you left him? Are you happy just going along without confronting him or finding out what direction he sees your relationship going?

If you ask, I'll tell you what I *really* think, but I don't want to presume that you're interested in my lil' ol' opinion.

[seren]

Ms Darcy: Thanks for your resposne: He is 33 and I am 35. I do not believe in marriage and neither does he. I have been married before, very shortlived so I do not see point in marriage. He just does not believe in it.

 

We do not go on dates really, he isnt very romantic. We are close though, I am in love, I think he is, he says so but than i dont know because of all this.

 

We started off as shag buddies, so he was a lil distanced and sketchy then, i suppose that is why i check his emails etc because he wasnt that into me in the beginning and found it hard to get into a rship unless he knew 'the girl was the one, as in unless he knew it would work and last'. He didnt want to get hurt again after a bad break up. This is why he and his previous ex broke up too because he could see her hurting him by either moving back home or leaving him as she was young. He says he does love me, he even told his ex that it just took him awhile to apppreciate me and thats when we offically become a couple. (she was asking how a shag buddy can become a rship).

 

Yes we do live together. He went through a very bad depression and i helped him out of it, this is how we became a couple i believe because i helped him and looked after him. I support him to do what he wants a lot in life. I know at very least he definetly cares for me a lot, we get along well, and have been together a long time.

 

we give each other a fair amount of attention/love.

 

Savignon: Also thank you for your reply. I dont ask him where out rship is going because i know we both dont believe in marriage. I am not happy going through his emails without confrounting him. I am going to confrount him. To be honest I didnt realise they had kept in touch aaaaaaaaall this time. I knew he must have had feelings for her still when we first got together because they had only just ended.

 

I suppose im hung up on that one line because i always thought even though he talked to her, emailed her in past etc and said those things that he did love me. But then when i read that it was the straw that broke the camels back in a way.

 

I really needed to hear something like ' i would totaly be devestated' because that is what i would say.

 

Yes it does bother me he said he would cheat but part of me thinks he is just all talk and pulling her along or something.

 

he bought me a ring, we live together, have a dog together. We seem happy enough.

[catfeeder]

[...] I do not believe in marriage and neither does he. [...] he bought me a ring, we live together, have a dog together. We seem happy enough.

 

Hello Seren,

If marriage isn't your goal, then that's the piece of the puzzle I was missing when I wrote my response, because it answers the question as to whether your living arrangement is enough for you.

 

That only leaves the degree of his emotional commitment to decide on. If you've been happy with that outside of his conversations with the ex, and those have been in play since the start of your relationship, then I wouldn't allow her recent provocation to infect you mentally. She's got an agenda--and she's always going to prompt him to compliment her at your expense. You know that already, so why play?

 

If you're happy with this man in every other regard, I'd stop reading their correspondence altogether. Snooping gives you info you can't use, you can only poison your own stomach lining with it. You'll just keep finding things to get hurt about. And how does that serve you unless you're looking for reasons to break up with this man?

 

In your corner.

[Ms Darcy]

From what you say, it sounds like he loves you a lot less than you love him. Your relationship with him began where he didn't have to commit to pursue you - you were just there: for physical comfort, for constant companionship since you live together, and for emotional support during his depression. He even said that it took him a while to even start appreciating you after you were there for him so much BUT eventually feeling appreciation and love is nowhere near feeling "in love." His feelings never transitioned to that level and I think so fore several reasons.

 

One, you've always kind of been there for him. Not having to work for you in the beginning does make somewhat of a difference for a lot of guys because they don't see you as someone they had to really 'shape up' for as he was sketchy and distant in the beginning. Two, you haven't really indicated that you need some sort of commitment. Again, he hasn't had to really evaluate what role you play in his life. I'm not saying that he should marry you, but I have the personal belief that men (and women, but in a different way) really need to make some sort of long-term commitment to their partner for several reasons.

 

Subpoint One, it forces them to evaluate what the relationship means to them. It brings up the question: how would you feel if your gf left you. Two, it forces them to make a choice. If after three years, he knew that you would not stick around simply living together, he would have to decide (and not simply respond with a non-committal "i dunno ... life goes on") if he wanted to be with you. Three, it holds him accountable. Relationships can last for a long time. That's a long time to remain faithful. Ultimately, one of the best ways to ensure fidelity is to enact accountability. For many people, they do not commit to one person until they are willing to make themselves publicly and morally accountable to remain faithful. It seems like he feels like he has a little bit of wiggle room in terms of his fidelity. He's not forceful, in certain terms, to do what he needs to do to avoid a situation that could even lead to cheating. Lastly, non-committal people often don't commit to keep their options open. If he felt sure about a relationship, felt like he met 'the one,' I have little doubt that he'd be walking down the isle with that person in a heartbeat. In fact, if she wasn't so young and he felt more sure about her, the ex would probably be his wife. ... And isn't it interesting that she's now older, not as young and more experienced now as he had wanted her to be in the past ...

 

Another issue is the fact that he's kept in contact with this woman for all of this time. This is trouble for your relationship. This is the woman he was in love with and left. You can sense regret, sadness, and nostalgia in his communications with her. And in keeping in touch, he has created this interesting emotional triangle between the three of you so that you become the security blanket/sure thing and she becomes the one that got away/the what if. Do not underestimate the power of communication and contact. Cutting off contact with someone is one of the primary tools we often use to move on from a relationship because remaining in touch often drags out feelings and causes confusion. If he saw her again, he'd probably cheat?! And that if you left 'life goes on' but for you, you 'would be devastated.' That's a big red flag right there. Those phrases confirm all statements above and shows you that he's not committed to you in the way he should be. They show you that he's got major feelings for her that you cannot ignore - feelings that may or may not be love. They show you that he loves you waay less than you love him.

 

Given that information, what will you do now?

[savignon]

You may "seem" happy enough. The question is: are YOU happy? He of course is happy having someone look after him while he also gets the comforts of a friend and ex on the side.

Do you think "all talk" and "pulling her along" are phrases you use to minimize how hurt you really are? You may not believe in marriage, but do you believe in commitment, trust, monogamy, etc?

If it's just that one phrase you can't get out of your head then ask him yourself...."If I left you, how would you feel?" He's much more likely to say "I'd be devastated". Of course, he could just be "all talk"

If "seeming happy enough" is good enough, then you'll have to leave this to rest and in addition stop reading his emails. If you think he's pulling her along and you have your ring and your dog and you believe he loves you and you love him.....then there's NO reason to go through his emails and be checking up on him. I can't imagine that it's peaceful to live like that.

It seems like you want to sweep this issue under the rug and be happy that he's staying with you even when he's having these kinds of conversations on the side. I don't know how long that'll keep you happy, but sweeping it under the rug means not checking his emails. I also think that his comment is just a representation of what the big problem is and since perhaps you're not ready to deal with it or see it, you're stuck on the 2 words "I dunno".