abriellek Posted July 8, 2009 Share Posted July 8, 2009 I've been dating someone a little over a month. He's 21 and I am 20. I'm not really insecure about him liking me, until it gets to the sex part. After several times of doing pretty much everything besides intercourse successfully and comfortably, we decided to go for actual sex. The sex was short-lived and fumbling, and when I tried to go for a different position he lost his erection completely and insisted that he had orgasmed. I felt extremely insecure after this experience because I did not particularly enjoy it, so I assumed he didn't either. I noticed he didn't maintain full hardness during penetration, either. After a week or so we decided to try it again. This time was just as bad if not worse, and lasted even less time before he lost his erection. He insisted that it wasn't me and that he didn't know what was going wrong. I have a hard time believing that he's not attracted to me because we have no problems in any other sexual endeavors or with his arousal. I thought maybe it was the condom but he has had sex about 30 times in his life, with 7 different partners, using condoms each time. Still he said he's never had sex in any position but missionary and doesn't feel particularly experienced. I feel really insecure that he didn't like the way it felt or that there's something wrong with my anatomy for him, but he insisted it felt good and he didn't know what the problem was. He hypothesized that maybe he was just nervous, and that he does worry a lot about getting me pregnant, even though we're using protection. Even after this botched attempt at sex, I gave him oral sex which he seemed to really enjoy. We talked about it and he said he felt terrible, and I believe his sincerity. We cuddled for hours after this attempt. He goes out of his way to send me sweet text messages or let me know he likes me a lot. But I can't help but be really concerned about the sex thing. I know from mutual friends that his past girlfriends have been much less attractive than me (I'm no Angelina Jolie, but still) and he hasn't had many long term relationships. I'm also fairly experienced and have usually received good reviews on my sexual skills so I have a hard time believing it's something I'm actively doing wrong... but I don't know how long I want to go thinking we can't successfully have sex. Any thoughts on this situation? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Streak Posted July 8, 2009 Share Posted July 8, 2009 Just to clarify, are you saying this gentleman has never had troubles with his performance prior to you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
civilservant Posted July 8, 2009 Share Posted July 8, 2009 Perhaps he's nervous if you're so much better looking than his previous partners? Perhaps he really likes you and dosen't want to disappoint? Performance anxiety can be a real mood killer for a bloke. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maduro Posted July 8, 2009 Share Posted July 8, 2009 I don't normally reply to threads.. But I can tell you 100% its not you. I found my girlfriend amazingly hot (and still do) but I had the exact same problem when me and her and I first starting having sex. A lot of the problem for me was mainly down to being with someone new, plus we were at her parents house so any little noise or if the bed started squeaking it could easily go soft easily (even during penetration). Just give it a bit of time and keep going at it.. The more you have sex the better it will get, as he won't feel so awkward. If I'm honest it sounds like he isn't as experienced as he says he is. The best thing you can do is don't make him think its a big deal, a relaxed atmosphere is best if you can. But keep going at it because it will get better with time. I promise you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maduro Posted July 8, 2009 Share Posted July 8, 2009 That is true!! Some guys put a lot of pressure on themselves to make sure their partner is satisfied to, especially if you really like someone and by what you say it sounds like he does. When he does manage to keep it up, let him know that it felt so good when he did 'such and such'. It will make him feel better in himself and won't feel like he hasn't left you unsatisfied. Perhaps he's nervous if you're so much better looking than his previous partners? Perhaps he really likes you and dosen't want to disappoint? Performance anxiety can be a real mood killer for a bloke. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
top bloke Posted July 8, 2009 Share Posted July 8, 2009 He is uncomfortable about something .. It sounds like you may have needed more foreplay to relax and enjoy it better. May i recommend teasing each other without touching to a point of higher desire and then both give in? Perhaps this will help? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abriellek Posted July 8, 2009 Author Share Posted July 8, 2009 Blue Streak: Not that I'm aware of, he says he hasn't. But then again, maybe he wouldn't admit it if he had. I'm not sure. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abriellek Posted July 8, 2009 Author Share Posted July 8, 2009 Thank you, that helps a lot. We're at my parents house too, and I hadn't even thought of that being part of the problem. I posted this question on another forum and someone's response was: "he's gay.", so I really appreciate you easing my mind! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tigerfan Posted July 8, 2009 Share Posted July 8, 2009 I agree with maduro. 99.99% of the time, it's not the woman. I have had the same problem on occasion, but it was almost exclusively with my ex wife when we were trying to work thru some relationship problems we were having. She took offense, gave me grief, which made it WAYYYY worse for me. Once it becomes mental for a man, it is very hard (no pun intended) to get that thing going. But I can tell you, it wasn't my ex wife's body. I was very turned on by her. It was mental strain from the relationship issues and her insecurity and 'giving me grief about it' that caused it to continue. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maduro Posted July 9, 2009 Share Posted July 9, 2009 Thank you, that helps a lot. We're at my parents house too, and I hadn't even thought of that being part of the problem. I posted this question on another forum and someone's response was: "he's gay.", so I really appreciate you easing my mind! Honestly, I personally think thats all it is. If he is making the effort with you with the sweet messages and that then I think he obviously likes you so I very much doubt its you. With me it took a few times before I felt really conformable. I know if we had to change positions or there was too much fumbling or stop suddenly because we was making too much noise.. that would be it. The things you can do to help out, firstly don't make it a big deal, if he is like I was it will be playing on his mind, when you guys do manage to get it on massage his ego a bit. Make it fun/light hearted my girlfriend used to always make jokes like "shush.. is that my mum/dad??". I'd then look at the door and turn round to see her laughing or with a cheeky grin on her face. If you two are comfortable with it let him or you sneak in a little grope or rub up against him when your parents back is turned - it will get him hot and want you even more. Things like this really helped me feel more at ease. At the end of the day he needs to know its only sex, and its meant to be fun and not to put so much pressure on himself. Give him a bit of time he'll get over it plus if you can make it fun it all makes good memories. My girlfriend and I now live together and planning a future together, so she knows it definitely wasn't her! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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