Some unbiased adivce please

[baker53]

Hi, it's been a while since I have posted here but I do still read them and you'll really seem to help. Just to get some background info out of the way my gf and I have been dating on and off for 2.5 years. I am 21yrs. and she is 22yrs., we are both in college, and we currently live together. My problem is that in August she will be moving to a house that is about 1 hour away from where we goto school and from where I work. She wants me to go live with her but I don't want to because I feel like a 1 hour commute to school and work everyday will cause me to resent her, spend a lot more money on gas, put more miles on my car, and waste time that I could be using to study. She has no choice to live there because she can't afford to get another place and this house that she would be living in is her parents house. So she would not have to pay rent while she lived there. Is it wrong for me to not want to go live with her because I feel like she is sad and angry with me over it.

 

My girlfriend has also been hinting for me to propose to her a lot recently. I tell her that I don't want to get married until I get accepted and finish medical school, but she says that she doesn't know if she can wait. Now she used to agree with me but just recently she has started to change her mind. Tonight she even said that she wanted to have a family in the near future. And I really don't think that would be a good idea because in medical school you can't work so I would be living off student loans. What do I do about this situation?

 

Now I do love her deeply but I don't know how to make her happy. All I really want is an unbiased opinion from you'll about what I should do in my situation, and about our relationship. So please be truthful and any advice is greatly appreciated.

 

Thanks

[melrich]

It is certainly not "wrong" of you to want to remain where you are, especially if moving with her creates such inconvenience for you. I think you guys just have to talk about how you are going to manage the next phase of your relationship.

 

Re. getting married. It's my personal opinion that 21/22 is way too young regardless. But I think again you just need to clearly enunciate that you are not ready and why. Whatever you do, don't allow yourself to "give in"...because that WILL create resentment.

[Kumatora]

Why would you want to go live at her PARENTS house? Wouldn't you both want some privacy? I don't blame you for not wanting to move in at her parent's house for the reason stated and for the commute issue.

 

 

Absolutely. School should be your top priority now, especially if it's in the medical field and holds job security right now. You need it. Med school is difficult to balance free time with- my boyfriend is in it so I completely understand. If she can't wait, then that is her problem. If she plans on walking from the relationship because you want to finish school, then she's being very childish, IMO (unless you're flunking school and "bumming around" that's different). I think she's being too pushy and demanding with the situation you are in. You never rush a marriage... plan it out and do it for the right reasons, not because you're in a hurry to get married. This is what causes a lot of young couples who marry too early a divorce.

 

She wants commitment too soon and is being selfish about it when you tell her you're not ready. That's why she's trying to get you to move back with her. Not right at all... she is moving way too fast. Where the hell are her priorities? I suggest not moving back or proposing to her out of guilt- do it when you feel you are ready. Put your foot down on it if she complains or tries any sort of manipulation (the "oh I can't wait any longer" crap). Of course she can wait. If you are succeeding in school, she can wait and respect the fact that you are trying to earn a career to get financially situated. Tell her that finishing school is more important instead of getting married too early and not having money to support yourself. It is very difficult to balance school and a new marriage, especially if you are in med school.

 

BTW... not that it's relevant, but I'm curious... what medical degree are you in? My man's in Radiology. If he continues his schooling within the next two years he can earn $240k-$300k a year. People in the medical field are paid well and I just don't understand why your girlfriend can't wait until you have enough money to support yourself and her. Trust me... it's worth it.

[baker53]

Thank you all. Her parents don't live in the house all the time, it's a small vacation house that they stay in every couple of months. So technically we will living by ourselves. Her big argument is that we have already been together for for 2.5 years and supposedly "can't" wait for me to finish medical school to get married. She says people in her family are talking about us saying that "if I loved her I would marry her now." She also says that she is ready for a family and that is the reason that she is alive. I tell her that med school will be very tough and that it will put a lot of stress on me.

 

I tell her that I don't like this pressure she is putting on me because I feel like she is trying to force me to marry her. I have told her repeatedly that if we are still together when I finish med school that I would marry her, but that apparently isn't good enough for her. How do I handle this nicely without compromising the relationship?

 

To answer your question I plan on going into orthopaedic surgery. The salary depends greatly on what you specialize in but I have not made that decision yet. But I am sure that the their salary is very similar to the salary that your bf would have.

 

Again any advice is greatly appreciated

 

Thanks

[melrich]

How do I handle this nicely without compromising the relationship?

 

Well ultimately you have to be firm. Make it clear to her that it is not a discussion you are ready for yet, here are the reasons and you would appreciate it if she would respect your position on it.

[Ms Darcy]

Are you sure you really want this relationship? Now, I could understand her eagerness for marriage a bit more if you had 2.5 awesome years together. Although I still agree with Melrich that 21/22 is way too young for marriage, I can see how she can have that point of view.

 

I would definitely encourage you to sit down calmly with her and explain your perspective. But I keyed on you saying "on again off again." What have been some of the past problems in your relationship? I really think that you would need a few years of a stable relationship before considering marriage.

[baker53]

Thanks again everyone. Her and I had this same conversation about a week ago and I calmly told her that we should wait till I am done with med school. She agreed with me then but now a week later she is already changing her mind and saying that she can't wait anymore. I'm thinking that if I'm firm with her that she will get angry and break off the relationship.

 

Are you sure you really want this relationship? Now, I could understand her eagerness for marriage a bit more if you had 2.5 awesome years together. Although I still agree with Melrich that 21/22 is way too young for marriage, I can see how she can have that point of view.

 

I would definitely encourage you to sit down calmly with her and explain your perspective. But I keyed on you saying "on again off again." What have been some of the past problems in your relationship? I really think that ou would need a few years of a stable relationship before considering marriage.

 

To tell you the truth I'm not sure if I do want this relationship. I do know that I love her but she is the only girl that I have ever been serious with. I try to figure out what I want but I can never make up my mind on this subject. I'm afraid that she is the best it will get for me and that I will not be happier with someone else. I think this is an area where I need a lot of help as well, if you'll have any advice.

 

In the past our problems have been taking each other for granted, her not believing that I love her, but mostly little meaningless arguments turning into big, humongous, relationship on the line arguments. Especially recently I have noticed that if we have a small disagreement about something that it usually turns into a larger fight, but then we forgive each other. In the past 2.5 years we have broken up 3 almost 4 times. With only one of those being a large breakup where I really thought it was over.

[melrich]

To tell you the truth I'm not sure if I do want this relationship.

 

Then you really need to think about this because you are not sure and she wants to marry you.....you guys are potentially on completely different pages here. I think you better both get some reality into this picture.

[coyote1980]

"I try to figure out what I want but I can never make up my mind on this subject."

 

You are young, it's normal you don't know what you want.

Don't rush into anything. When you are young, you make lots of mistakes, but you learn from those mistakes. That's the only way you grow up. It doesn't happen overnight.

 

If you are not ready to get married, then don't.

When you are ready, you will know.

[Ms Darcy]

Yeah, "on again off again" is usually code for a rocky relationship. Thinking from the perspective of marriage-readiness, neither of you are there. You two have some fundamental communication problems, not enough trust in each other, and not enough appreciation for each other (taking each other for granted). And it's so severe that you both have literally ended the relationship because of these conflicts. In a healthy relationship, you stay commited, find ways to work through the conflicts, learn to trust each other, develop healthy, independent selves, and show each other appreciation.

 

From what you say, I'm hearing that although you might love you, you are not necessarily 'in love' with her. And you are too afraid to lose her/to be alone to strike out and look for another woman. So, here's one bit of advice. Troll the divorce section on this forum. There are sooo many people who are getting divorced after 10 years of marriage at age 30-something because they are not happy; feel that they have missed out on their twenties; no longer love their partners; and/or have fallen in love with someone else. And a common theme? Marriage for the wrong reasons. Marriage for fear of not finding better. Marriage for good enough. Marriage too young to avoid a break-up. If you two got married at this point, at your age, you would have a high liklihood of divorce. Doubting that you could do better is NO reason to marry someone. In fact, it's a signal that you should not be with that person. Marriage is a huge commitment and for the rest of your life. When you settle, you feel each of those years, months, and days until the end of your life when you are not spending it with the woman you are sure you want to be with for life. Thus, of course, the high divorce rate again.

 

What if you met a beautiful lady and befriended her today? What if you two never fought, she had awesome communication skills, she is incredibly self assured, and never needed your validation? Think hard about this and visualize this. Which one would you rather wake to for the next 50 years? Who would you want to be the mother of your children? Who can you see yourself happy with? Who do you want to share your dreams with? Who do you want by your side during a family tragedy? Who will talk to you before making significant decisions about the family?

 

Would you be able to tell her that you really need some stability in this relationship for a long term before marriage? It sounds like perhaps her need for reassurance may stem from the fact that she may accurately sense your ambivalence about her and the relationship.

[Kumatora]

Her big argument is that we have already been together for for 2.5 years and supposedly "can't" wait for me to finish medical school to get married.

Hogwash!! I've been together with my boyfriend for 4 years and we're not ready for marriage (I want him to finish school and get a job). I'm also older than 22. What ever happened to having fun while being IN a relationship? I say she is rushing it.

 

And why is she rushing it? Moving in together at the beginning caused it. Did she play as your wife at all while living together (cleaning, cooking, etc)? That will do it. It is best to move in when you feel committed and expect engagement... and if she acted as your wife, chances are she FELT like your wife and it's causing her to demand that you propose NOW. On her stance, she gained that sense of comfort and deep commitment by living with you. All of a sudden, that's been taken away and she doesn't want to lose the relationship. Living away once you lived together can really rock your sense of commitment and cause a great deal of anxiety over the relationship losing it's spark.

 

She feels that she has to fight to keep the relationship because circumstances have changed. It's unfortunate that these things happen. She does this by wanting you to move in at her parents house OR having you propose to her. She wants that sense of security of the relationship and is pushing you into taking either of those alternatives.

 

Either way your schooling should be on the top of your priority list. She needs to respect that decision no matter how much she will miss the old times she has had with you. It sucks, but she needs to suck it up and TRUST that you will stand by your commitment once school is out of the picture. Her pushing proposal or for you to move in with her at a farther location will only push you away... she needs to realize the results of her actions and how unrealistic they truly are.

 

Confirm this with her. Show her that you are trying to see where she is coming from. This will lessen an argument than being confrontational.

 

 

Also...

Here's my concern about this whole situation If you wanna marry someone, you better look at both of yours financial situation. Think about it. You're still in college. Yes, the medical field is promising, but you don't know FOR SURE if you will land a job right out of college. Many college graduates are facing this problem with the economy. As for your girlfriend... she's living in a rent and utility free environment with mommy and daddy. She's not taking any financial responsibility from what I'm reading... that's not living like an adult. Can she afford to live on her own? What is her attitude on money? Does she shop til she drops or is she conservative of how she spends? It's something to consider before marriage because finances is the number one thing that makes or breaks a relationship. Poorly managing finances is also THE number one reason for divorces. This is why a lot of smart couples do not get married while they're in college... they wait until they have their degrees and are working within their careers.

 

Bring the money issue up. Ask her if she has found a job yet and can support herself. Don't have her expect you to pay for everything unless you're a millionaire. What if you both do end up marrying and a divorce happens? Can she afford to live on her own if she has to separate? Hopefully that does not come between you and your spouse, but divorces do happen in many relationships. That is apart of the real world.

 

Yes, you are in a damn good field. Yes it makes damn good money. But your schooling comes number one right now. She is not respecting your decisions by her nagging behavior. She is being demanding like a selfish child. This is a red flag to be aware of. And for that, I do not blame you one bit for rethinking the entire relationship.

 

She says people in her family are talking about us saying that "if I loved her I would marry her now."

This is beyond inappropriate. Her family has no business getting involved with your decision to propose. Asking for a blessing is one thing, but saying that you both should get married now is an opinion that should be kept to themselves. The decision to propose is based on YOU. Please DO NOT let this girl or even her family push and manipulate you over making the most important decision of your life. You have every say if you want to be married to her or not. You have all of the time in the world to think about this, especially while you are focusing on school.

 

I tell her that I don't like this pressure she is putting on me because I feel like she is trying to force me to marry her. I have told her repeatedly that if we are still together when I finish med school that I would marry her, but that apparently isn't good enough for her. How do I handle this nicely without compromising the relationship?

As much as I hate to say this, but give her an alternative: If she loves you she CAN wait. Tell her that. Also let her know that you have already discussed the engagement issue and you don't want to hear it being brought up anymore. Let her know that you are done with that conversation. Be assertive if she trying to make you do something that you're not comfortable with. There are plenty of people you will meet after college... you don't need to marry a person who isn't going to respect you and NAGS constantly.

 

If you both love each other, things WILL work out. Patience is a virtue and it applies to all relationships to become successful and strong. I hope what I said helps.

[baker53]

Then you really need to think about this because you are not sure and she wants to marry you.....you guys are potentially on completely different pages here. I think you better both get some reality into this picture.

 

The reason I'm not sure is because of the problems that I listed in our relationship and because I believe I am too young to get married. I figured that if we were still together when I finished school then it was meant to be. I'm just trying to figure out what to do now since I will not be done with school for many more years.

 

Ms. Darcy thank you that was very helpful I will look through the divorce section some. If I did meet the women that you described I would be tempted to be with her but I would also never cheat on my girlfriend. I do think that I would be happier with the women that you described though. What confuses me is that I feel like I am happy now, or maybe I'm happy being unhappy, I don't know like I said this is where I need the most advice and help. I feel that if I tell my girlfriend that I need more stability that she will laugh at me because she apparently feels like it is stable now. She also feels like she is ready for marriage and children. I am also in a way scared to break up with her because last time it happened it was very hard on me, and I am afraid to feel that way again. That feeling of depression and emptiness will most likely affect my grades, job, and everything else in my life.

 

If anyone has any stories or has been in a situation similar to my please share because I want and need to learn so I can make the right decision.

 

Sorry Kumatora I didn't see your post till after I replied but that was very helpful. She has been able to support her self for the past two years but she recently quit her job because she hated it. She now wants to become a bartender and focus on school but she has to go live at her parents house because she has other bills like a car payment, credit cards, ect. As far as finances go I would say she is a normal girl. She likes to go shopping occasionally but I assume she can manage money since she supported her self for 2 years. Again thank you very much and if you have any other words of wisdom pleas share.

[Kumatora]

I've made a lot of edits with my last post. More things came to mind (like trying to figure out the girlfriends mindset). I honestly think that moving in brought on the mindset of her being your wife... and when she has to move away she feels she may lose what she's getting now. It's the only explanation of her pushy desperate behavior that I can think of.

[baker53]

We have been living together a good chunk of or relationship and part of me regrets it but most me does not. I am worried about how not living together will affect or relationship. I wouldn't say that she acted like my life all the time, there would be some nights where she would cook for me and others I would cook for her. Part of the reason we started living together was because it was cheaper, plus we got along. At her parents house there would be no rent, but like I said it is an hour away from school and work for me. Like I said she says her reason for wanting to get married is that she feels that she is ready for that and a family and that is apparently her purpose in life, but your reason could be right. Has anyone every been in a relationship where you were living together and then you moved out? So do you'll really think that giving her the alternative of waiting for me me to finish school or not being with me will really work? L