Anon333 Posted June 17, 2009 Share Posted June 17, 2009 Well, my situation is more complex than that simple question. But I want to keep in simple. Im not exactly dating this guy. We have both slept together and both like eachother, and have discussed dating, but there are alot of issues that have kept us from exclusively dating..We've both admitted we arent with anyone else. Here is my problem. A couple weeks ago I started pushing him to know where the relationship was going. I would get really upset all day long when I didnt hear from him. I wanted him to text me every day and I wanted to see him all the time. He did not share these feelings. He told me that I should relax a bit, that he really liked me, but I blow things up a little too much.....So I told him Id back off and let him be the one to text or call.... A week goes by and I dont hear from him and I start to feel less and ess worried and start hanging out with other guys..Then I learn his phone was shut off so he couldnt reach me. I ran into him and he explained it, and at that point I seriously felt so easy going about the situation that I said it was no big deal and it was maybe a good thing to slow things down with us...So, he just got his phone turned back on yesterday and I was the first to text him and ask. He responded pretty quick. We ended up meeting up at the bar and hanging out all night. I left him this morning wishing him a good day. Here is the problem. He hasnt texted me all day, and I worry he wont text or initiate contact. I am going to go back into the same mode last week that I did, trying not to worry whether I hear from him or not. All I want is a sweet text from him saying have a good day or goodnight. Is it okay to go a few days not hearing from someone you are just starting off with? Am I too needy if I get upset if I dont hear from him in a couple days? He is my neighbor too... Link to comment
lizzy_09 Posted June 17, 2009 Share Posted June 17, 2009 I think he might be a commitment phobic. If you've developed certain feelings for him already and he doesn't seem to show he's interested, you've got 2 options: either be contented of what you have and hope that someday, he might change his mind and get himself committed to you. Or try to find ways and means to forget him and move on with your life. Link to comment
mca1975 Posted June 17, 2009 Share Posted June 17, 2009 Oh gosh, I don't know. Totally know how you feel though. I have been like this before so many times, but when I was offered commitment it scared me. Figure that out, lol. I think it's because you have slept with him again isnt it, you feel that bond again, totally normal. I would be exactly the same. I used to sleep with a guy a year or so ago, it was very casual indeed and he NEVER called me afterwards - which is obviously not very nice and rude. Another guy I saw on and off for a whole year, used to leave it 3 weeks in between calls and I would find that the first week was awful, then the next two weeks, I would start not caring as much, then he would come back with that call and BANG! back to square one. I think if you don't hear from him again for a whole week or even after two days, then I would just forget about it and not go there again as its not sitting well with you. I think your conscience is telling you something that maybe, he is not that into you.. I know its probably not what you want to hear, but I think maybe you can sense he isnt and that is why you are worrying as you don't trust that you will hear from him anytime soon. Sounds like me with that guy all that while ago, it can go on for ages this to-ing and fro-ing without ever really knowing where you stand. You could always ask him I suppose. Tell him that when you see him and sleep together (thats if you are!), that its not really sitting well with you that you don't hear from him for days on end. Say you would like more and if he can't meet that, then best to leave it. Then you will know, if he steps up, or not. Link to comment
Anon333 Posted June 17, 2009 Author Share Posted June 17, 2009 thanks for the replies...I havent had sex with him again for awhile, but we fool around and kiss and almost have sex. I got some kind of bacteria infection from having sex with him and he has been out of condoms, so it has been good I havent slept with him. Every time we are together we discuss being together. I tell him how we need to hang out and get to know eachother if he really likes me. The thing is, which Ive posted on a previous post, he has seen me go home and make out with other guys and says that is why he doesnt know what to do. But I have asked him to before he has seen me with other guys to invite me on a date or initiate contact. He hasnt really been able to follow through with it, and so I go hang out with other guys who invite me to dinner or hang out. Last time when his phone had been off he saw me with another guy and he said it really hurt him, and i tried to apologize but then I went on to explain that he doesnt go out of his way to invite me or hang out and I hadnt heard from him in a week. I dont know...I really dont want to pressure him like I did before...He says and acts like he relaly likes me, but him not calling today is typical and makes me think hes really not looking for anything but sex. Part of me would settle for it for now cause there is no one else I am more physically attracted to than him, but I dont want to get hurt either. I think he would be hurt if I ended up with someone else or moved on from him, but if I do that, it will mean I am done with him....I dunno...I dont want to yoyo...I am hoping the next couple weeks will tell me what to do more, since last week his phone was broken........ Link to comment
mca1975 Posted June 17, 2009 Share Posted June 17, 2009 Well there you go, you have even TOLD him you want more and that all he has to do is make the effort, and he hasn't. What does that tell you? I gotta say that if a guy likes you, he will be falling over his own feet to get you before anyone else does. It's not very nice, because you will always hope, but basically, if all he has to do is initiate dating properly with you, and he isn't, then he has no right to say he feels hurt if you are with other guys. I think he is using the fact you have been with other guys as a bit of an excuse there. Forget him, that's what I say. Always remember though, this is not a rejection on you so don't feel bad. He is just not the one for you or he is just too young and doesn't want to settle down and date. Move on from him and date other guys. xx Link to comment
mca1975 Posted June 17, 2009 Share Posted June 17, 2009 He says and acts like he relaly likes me, but him not calling today is typical and makes me think hes really not looking for anything but sex.... Trust your instincts, they are usually right. Hard to accept, but all the better once you do accept! Look to the future! Link to comment
PiranhaBraces101 Posted June 17, 2009 Share Posted June 17, 2009 I know its not that simple, but perhaps you could stop testing & guessing, sit down with him and have a talk about that, get to know what is going on in his mind. If he feels pressured, give him a break and only talk when he's ready. That's how I deal with issues. Link to comment
Anon333 Posted June 17, 2009 Author Share Posted June 17, 2009 hmmm... just when I feel okay with things being slow and casual. You are right, he is not for me. Although I know the best thing to do is just walk away. I feel the need to see if he could change if back off a bit.. I think I have been pushing too hard and too aggressive as a women and may have scared him away. Earlier on when we were hanging out, he would text me he missed me or for me to have good day. Now he knows he has me wrapped around his finger. I have to see if I will hear from him at all, and maybe even porposely not hang out with him for a couple weeks. At least I will be walking away, but not being all strange and pushy and announcing I cant handle it. Im sure he will be a disappointmemt, but fortunately there are other guys out there that like me and actually really want to spend time with me....I just liked him the best. And maybe there is something to say for him being a challange, even though it does kinda hurt... Link to comment
Anon333 Posted June 17, 2009 Author Share Posted June 17, 2009 valkyrie...Im pretty sure he feels pressured and doesnt want to jump into a relationship...Of course he is attracted to me and liked the physical part. Im not taking it personal he doesnt want anything. I think we have talked and discussed these issues enough, and there are so many factors that make sense why he wouldnt want more than what we are doing. What it then comes down to is whether I can handle it or if he will ever change his mind. The beginnings of getting to know someone and being intimate is intimidating and scary, and I can identify fully with being pushed away by someone who is too intense. In a case like this, I think the only way I could find out what he wants is by just keeping my distance for awhile...Im sick of doing the initiating.. Link to comment
mca1975 Posted June 17, 2009 Share Posted June 17, 2009 Anon333, always the way, you always want someone/something who doesn't appear to want you/or you cant have. Basically, never let a man feel totally secure with you, that's my advice. Its sad but true. Once they know they have you, that's when they get complacent and this even happens with the nice ones. Always keep them guessing a little. Link to comment
retired1 Posted June 17, 2009 Share Posted June 17, 2009 Basically, never let a man feel totally secure with you, that's my advice. Its sad but true. Once they know they have you, that's when they get complacent and this even happens with the nice ones. Always keep them guessing a little. That is a sure fire way of causing me to rethink the relationship. I don't play games, and if my partner is playing petty games that is going to make me question whether the relationship is secure or not, I'm gone. I won't stand for it, and neither should anyone else. Link to comment
mca1975 Posted June 17, 2009 Share Posted June 17, 2009 Sorry, but it's true, though to be fair, it is true about BOTH sexes. It's actually human nature to become complacent once you feel secure. There is a difference between what I explained above, and treating men badly. Every single man I have given total security to has treated me badly and become complacent, so I'm afraid, from experiences, I will always keep that 10% where he is not too sure. I do not cheat, and never would, I am comitted to him, nor do I feel that I am playing a game. I simply let him know in some small way or another that there is part of me which is MINE and for him to feel that he only has 90% is good as far as I'm concerned. FACT. Link to comment
Seymore Posted June 17, 2009 Share Posted June 17, 2009 A couple weeks ago I started pushing him to know where the relationship was going. I would get really upset all day long when I didnt hear from him. I wanted him to text me every day and I wanted to see him all the time. He did not share these feelings. He told me that I should relax a bit, that he really liked me, but I blow things up a little too much.....So I told him Id back off and let him be the one to text or call.... Texting every day is one thing, no big request. Did you really say you wanted to see him all the time? I'm no commitmentphobe, but if a girl said that to me I would take it as that she wanted to eat my life alive. It sounds clingy. Maybe he thinks you want to be around him every day? Link to comment
cat_lady Posted June 17, 2009 Share Posted June 17, 2009 I dont know...I really dont want to pressure him like I did before...He says and acts like he relaly likes me, but him not calling today is typical and makes me think hes really not looking for anything but sex. Part of me would settle for it for now cause there is no one else I am more physically attracted to than him, but I dont want to get hurt either. I think he would be hurt if I ended up with someone else or moved on from him, but if I do that, it will mean I am done with him....I dunno...I dont want to yoyo...I am hoping the next couple weeks will tell me what to do more, since last week his phone was broken........ Anon, I already repeated myself in one of your last threads. Take it from someone who was already there - its very easy for a guy to say or act like he likes you when he is around you. ESPECIALLY when you are making out and fooling around. He can tell you how beautiful you are. He can cuddle with you and hold your hand. He can kiss you passionately. Whatever. It doesn't matter, its part of the moment. Its his actions when you are not around that determine whether he likes you. If he's not keeping in contact with you on a regular basis and not making plans to see you - he's not thinking about you which means - he doesn't like you. I don't mean to be harsh, but you need to stop rationalizing male behavior by saying things are complicated, he's confused, I'm too clingy so its my fault, and so on. I use to do the same thing for the d-bags that I "dated" and then I realized that, if we're having sex and I have to ask someone the question - is he just using me for sex - then the answer is 98% of the time YES, he is just using me for sex. Link to comment
mca1975 Posted June 17, 2009 Share Posted June 17, 2009 Here here, a harsh reality. It is DEFINITELY the actions of when they are away from you that count. Men totally lie to our faces and tell us what we want to hear. I believed it for so long, a whole year, but then when I text him to tell him I had been mugged for instance etc - I didnt even get a reply for like two weeks! I was so hurt. Definitely watch the actions, or in this case inaction and take note of it. You can do better girl, go out with someone else who really wants to see you x Link to comment
Anon333 Posted June 17, 2009 Author Share Posted June 17, 2009 Thanks all. I am going to give it a couple more days and if I dont heart from him it is obvious he doesnt care. It is hard cause he is my neighbor. And I do think I am more attracted and into him because he is more distant and more of a challenge. But this is too much. I think he is at the point where he knows I want something more. I asked him to hang out and invite me somewhere, and I get nothing. He knows I will just go home with him when I see him...If I dont hear from him by tomorrow I am using all my self restraint and letting him go. But Id like to text something tomorrow to him that is quick and to the point. Maybe like "was waiting to see if I'd hear from you, 3 days and never did. I have plenty of guys who have texted me and want to hang out and get to know me. It hurts you dont care, but thats the reality no matter what argument you make. Dont be upset if I dont go home with you anymore. sorry"....well, thats a long text....Maybe "dont be mad if I dont go home with you anymore. havnt heard from you in 3 days, shows to me you couldnt care less. Im not just gonna be the neighbor you sleep with." ???? I dunno.....Im sad.... Link to comment
bebeblondie Posted June 17, 2009 Share Posted June 17, 2009 I am sort of in a similar situation right now, and you say your are too clingy or needy and you're afraid of scaring him away....well guess what that's not it, because I act like I could care less about the guy (which I know is no good too) and I'm in a similar spot as you. I get a text once a week on Saturdays asking to meet up (we've never had sex and I've known him for about a year). When I see him he acts like he is head over heals about me, and then I don't hear from him until the next weekend. I've never had a talk with him about this mainly because I want him to contact me cause he wants to, not cause I said so. You say he's seen you make out with other men...well how many other men? I mean if he sees you making out with a different guy everytime he bumps into you, I can see how that can be a bit off putting...even though you have every right to do so since you are not exclusive. Personally I just think making out with a guy in front of someone you had a bit of romantic history with is a bit tasteless. Link to comment
DanY2J Posted June 17, 2009 Share Posted June 17, 2009 i am also in a simliar situation with this girl, early stages and all that - we are not exclusive or anything yet but i get the feeling it could be on the cards. However the contact when we are apart is not what i hoped it might be, i havnt brought it up yet for the obvious reasons. We saw each other friday, saturday and sunday night yet we are at wednesday now and i havnt heard from her since then. Confuses me... Link to comment
cat_lady Posted June 17, 2009 Share Posted June 17, 2009 No, you are still trying to convince him, giving him ultimatums and trying to get him to prove himself to you. Just please stop playing games with this guy b/c this is what it is - since he is less invested than you are, he will win. Don't text him. If he texts you, either reply with something short and unspecific or don't replay at all. Don't approach him. When you see him smile. If he talks to you, make small talk. Then tell him you'll see him later and walk away and don't come back. Just let him go. Its gonna hurt and you might have to take a few days off and just sit at home and cry and when you see him out.. and being nice to you.. its going hurt and suck, but this is a dead end. Take this time work on your self enough not to get involved in FwB relationships with guys like this and than find yourself a nice boy who'll be tripping over himself to talk to you. Believe it will happen (like I said, I was in YOU situation a mere few months ago) but you have to let the guy go first and go though a little bit of pain. Link to comment
Anon333 Posted June 17, 2009 Author Share Posted June 17, 2009 yeah....It was tasteless...I was drunk. It was just one guy, and I ended up going home with him (neighbor in question). I'm pretty torn though because we do discuss this stuff. He has even said one time he'd be concerned cause Im vegan and he's a meat eater. He tells me it is difficult when all the other guys like me. I have a friend that has a huge crush on me that I hang out with, and my friend hates my neighbor. So when I go out with my friend and my neighbor is around, I have to avoid going to say hello to my neighbor. He said that is awkward too....But what bugs me the most is not hearing from him so far today again. I think I am going to backtrack and not write some end all text like I was thining of in my last post.. So here is a question I guess. Is it possible for a relationship to ever come out of this type of thing? Or is he set in his head that he wont ever date me and he is just leading me on. Im sick of asking him to text me or ask me on a date. You are right bebeblonde, they should want to do it on their own, and the easier we make it for them, I think the less inclined they would be to do it. I dunno.....I really, really like him and am almost willing to take it as it comes, but yeah, I want something to eventually come out of it....When we are out and there are other girls around, he chooses me to go home with and vice versa. I dunno...confusing as hell.... Link to comment
Anon333 Posted June 17, 2009 Author Share Posted June 17, 2009 yourre all right...I think it is the case of me liking the bad boy I cant fully have. I need to walk away from this. But eventually he is going to ask why I dont want to go to bed with him, etc... I will just have to use all my willpower.....I hate having him as a neighbor....So sad...There are other guys, but none Im that interested in. THis sucks...I really was hoping maybe it was just us starting off slow. He kept saying he wanted to start off slow and that he hadnt had a girlfriend in a year and a half. I dunno...I thought if I just played it cool he'd come around. But the more I hear from you guys the more I think Im setting myself up for a lost cause. So there is no way this will ever turn into anything more you think? Link to comment
bebeblondie Posted June 17, 2009 Share Posted June 17, 2009 We're just giving our opinions, based on the info you provided it looks to me as though you've done everything you can and he doesn't seem very responsive. Can something eventually come out of this? Sure....but the chances of that happening are slim, now if you choose to wait around on a slim chance of a relationship happening between the two of you, go ahead. But it seems as though this is causing you more grief than happiness, so is it really worth it? That's up to you to decide. Link to comment
Anon333 Posted June 17, 2009 Author Share Posted June 17, 2009 ugh......I hate this....But yeah....He has not given me any emotional fulfillment. I just need to let go. The sooner the better... Link to comment
bebeblondie Posted June 17, 2009 Share Posted June 17, 2009 i am also in a simliar situation with this girl, early stages and all that - we are not exclusive or anything yet but i get the feeling it could be on the cards. However the contact when we are apart is not what i hoped it might be, i havnt brought it up yet for the obvious reasons. We saw each other friday, saturday and sunday night yet we are at wednesday now and i havnt heard from her since then. Confuses me... Why haven't you contacted her? Link to comment
Anon333 Posted June 17, 2009 Author Share Posted June 17, 2009 So you dont think there is a chance that if he feels like he lost me he would make more of an effort? Link to comment
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