nos ex so look elsewhere?

[seren]

HI guys,

 

Well I have been with my partner for 8 years. Due to a hectic schedule I have lost interest in sex. I know, I know. He has talked to me about it and is feeling quite rejected. The thing I am really worried about (as i dont want to go into my sex drive just now) is that he has said to a friend that he feels like he should and is very tempted and considering look elsewhere to get his needs met. If a guy was really in love wouldnt he stand by me and be patient?

 

Is this concerning to you? Im not sure what to make of it. On one hand I understand but on the other I feel like we have been together for 8 yrs and he should love me enough to not give in so easily. We had sex 2 weeks ago so its not like we never do, just alot less and I must admit I do not instigate it.

 

he also said to friend that he feels unwanted and like he is mostly upset about not gettinga ny attention. does this show that he does love me?

[Xplode]

depends on how much value he puts on sex, if he feels complete without it. he can wait. if he feels like it consumes him when you dont. then there will be issues, same issues i have with all my partners. when sex slows down for them, i start asking why? and getting antsy about it.

there is other things you can do to "take care" of him

[seren]

thank you for your reply.........can i plllllllsssssss ask you and it will b much appreciated if u answer: what were the reasons why ur past rships slowed down on sex? and was it part reason as to why you broke up? how did u deal with it?

 

thank you

[Lights]

You two have been together for a long time, so maybe it's an underlying problem in your relationship.

 

Have you considered going to counseling together?

 

Instead of just saying no, and making him feel "rejected", maybe seeing a professional together can help you get to the bottom of why you don't want sex anymore and how you can fix it.

[DN]

Due to a hectic schedule I have lost interest in sex.

What does this mean? Even very busy people can find time for sex.

On one hand I understand but on the other I feel like we have been together for 8 yrs and he should love me enough to not give in so easily.

On the other hand, he could argue that you should love him enough to sort out this issue.

 

Sex is an important and integral part of a good relationship and I think you need to address your problem before you lose your relationship. This is much more about you than it is about him.

[thejigsup]

I've been with my bf for 10 years and the sex is still hot! It doesn not always die down, and we are middle-aged professionals who work mega hours at work and I also go to school. We always find the time, it's important to both of us! Make it priority or you could be calling him your ex pretty soon.

[gilfer]

Probably its not just sex that he misses, but attention as well. Maybe stress from work is lowering your sex drive.

[seren]

Sorry, I should have explained, it is not just abusy schedule that has made me not want sex, it is more the stress of being so busy etc. I work crazy long hours and am soo stressed in my job but dont want to leave it. this is why i think i dont want sex.

 

do you think this is an understandable reason bcos he just doesnt seem to get it. I dont mean to make him feel bad.

 

he has said that it is not getting attention that is bringing him down not so much the sex.

[DN]

do you think this is an understandable reason bcos he just doesnt seem to get it. I dont mean to make him feel bad.

 

No, in my opinion, it is not an understandable reason. This is your problem and you are making it his and that is not fair. His desire for sex and intimacy is normal - your lack of desire for it is not. The reason for it may be there but you should be finding a solution not just putting it all on him to accommodate your issues.

[quirky]

Seren

 

Sex will actually help you relax if you have such a busy scedule, that intimacy with your partner. Bottom line also is what is more important to you, feeling stressed by a busy scedule or keeping your partner? Work, career and money is important for our personal development but they don't mean much if you don't share it with people you love.

 

Any chance you can get some time off, even a day or 2? Stay at home, pamper yourself, think how much you fancied your partner when you met, get into the mood?

[Lecturer]

Sex is a core need for a healthy adult human being. You ask:

 

If a guy was really in love wouldnt he stand by me and be patient?

 

And I will ask, if a guy (or girl) was really in love, would they go without food? Now, this comparison isn't really fair, but I'm just doing it to illustrate that its not fair for any person, male or female, to be made to go without sex.

 

It is my opinion that, when in a monogamous relationship, it is our responsibility to ensure our partner's sexual needs are met, because we are not allowing anyone else to do it. I'm in a monogamous marriage with my wife, so I consider it my responsibility to make sure all her sexual needs are met - no matter what they are. If, for whatever reason, it became clear that I couldn't satisfy those needs, I would let her do what she needs to be satisfied.

 

I work crazy long hours and am soo stressed in my job but dont want to leave it. this is why i think i dont want sex...do you think this is an understandable reason

 

No, I don't think that is an acceptable reason if you're considering that a permanent "this is how its going to be" sort of thing. Sure there are temporary issues that occur in life, and if that is the case then he should support you through the tough time. However, if a person is permanentely working a stressful job that takes everything out of them because that is what they want of their life, then I don't think that is fair to any partner.

 

Sorry to be so hard on you... I'm just giving my opinion.

[Kantriakhor]

His desire for sex and intimacy is normal - your lack of desire for it is not.

 

All due respect but I feel that's an unhealthy way to phrase it.

[DN]

If someone usually wants sex and then loses desire for it and blames the partner for not understanding rather than wanting to restore the desire then something is wrong - and therefore that is not normal.

[srssatellite]

Work stays at work, home stays at home. When the two mix, it causes an unbalance in your personal life. Work can be stressful but once you leave work, there's no real reason that stress should still be on you.

 

Though that can be a little different if you're running your own business, where you're in control of everything, and you're basically always on the job. However, even then, if it affects your personal life that much, then it's time to figure out something else, but it should never become your reasoning for lack of intimacy.

[Kantriakhor]

If someone usually wants sex and then loses desire for it and blames the partner for not understanding rather than wanting to restore the desire then something is wrong - and therefore that is not normal.

 

If the circumstances for it aren't permanent then asking for patience is quite normal, as is the fear that he'll cheat on her. Communication and not just blindly ignoring/removing evidence to contrary opinions in a relationship is what's key.

[DN]

The problem is that the partner doesn't know that the withdrawal of sex isn't permanent. And even if the stress at the moment may be temporary the partner may feel that any other time in the future that she feels stress the same thing will happen.

 

Judging by the number of posts on here by people whose partners have withdrawn sex and the problem is not resolved then he would have cause to be concerned unless there is a definite commitment to fix the problem within a reasonable timeframe.

[Kantriakhor]

The problem is that the partner doesn't know that the withdrawal of sex isn't permanent. And even if the stress at the moment may be temporary the partner may feel that any other time in the future that she feels stress the same thing will happen.

 

Judging by the number of posts on here by people whose partners have withdrawn sex and the problem is not resolved then he would have cause to be concerned unless there is a definite commitment to fix the problem within a reasonable timeframe.

 

Hence why communication is the key.

[oldenoughtoknow]

I am loving this thread and the responses. I lived too many years of my life in a situation just like this - and it never got better.

 

People enter relationships with certain needs and desires, and they work out certain relationship parameters that become expectations for the future. Of course, life happens, and relationships are give and take. If you tell your partner that this is temporary, and you work out a temporary solution, and you ensure both happen, this change can actually strengthen your bond. If you just arbitrarily change these parameters, with no end in sight, because you don't want to leave your stressful job, and don't offer any workaround solutions, and then you expect your partner to be understanding...how selfish is that?

 

I wouldn't expect him to put up with this new situation for very long. Stop feeling sorry for yourself because of your partner's lack of patience - they are the one who have been dealt a seemingly permanent change in your lives with absolutely no input in the decision. You created the mess. You need to fix it.