dikaia880 Posted April 1, 2004 Share Posted April 1, 2004 Spatz... I'm no expert obviously, but I think you aren't 100%...about the new guy...I don't understand why she would be hanging out with you when she had a new guy...Try for drinks...Throw out that hail mary that Beec had talked about...what have you to lose? Swing for the fences....what else is there to do? Link to comment
majord23 Posted April 1, 2004 Share Posted April 1, 2004 At the end of the day, if i had not seen her the other day, the game would still be on, 100%. You had been playing it perfectly spatz, I stand by my statement. The fact that can't be changed is that you DID see her the other day and she saw you. Things have changed whether you wanted them to or not. How you act now will influence how your ex perceives you in the future. Previously, your game was perfect….even though she had a BF, you were influencing her behaviour….but now she knows that you have seen her with her BF. The same game doesn't apply. 2) Having used no contact, i was able to get myself standing, get some respect back, and better myself. I improved a number of things. And that is what no contact is about. Yes, it is hard….but the results are what you have stated above spatz. The other option, which may seem easier....ultimately ends in more pain. What if there is ALREADY some doubt in her head about the new guy? WHat if seeing my last week actually stirred up some emotions? What if the new guy has not bonded with her family quite as well as i did? What if she IS thinking long term? If my Aunt had balls, she would be my Uncle. 'What ifs' are out of your control spatz. Again, she realises that because you know about her BF…she has made herself far less available. If she wants to change the situation then SHE has to do it. Do think that if she was having second thoughts, that if she thinks that you are for her and not her BF….that she would NOT take any action? She will act on it, even if you have cut off contact. In fact, she will be more likely to act on it if you *have* cut off contact. I'd like the chance to see her to explain face to face just why i have to decide whatever it is i have decided. Nothing wrong with that spatz, nothing wrong with that at all. Link to comment
spatzcolumbo Posted April 1, 2004 Author Share Posted April 1, 2004 Guys, Thinking some MORE on this whole thing. Hypothetically, if i decided to leave things as of NOW...and not call her back as i said i would in the message i left her earlier...*IF* i decided not to (and thats a big if) and then in a couple of days i heard from her asking if i wanted to catch up, what would i do?? Do i tell her that i think its best if i don't contact her? Do i ruin all my good work up to this point?? I also decided to read over a few old posts and take some quotes to see how things have changed: Beec Said Cut them off entirely, so that you seem hurt or like you no longer care?? Probably not a good idea, if you ever want to have a chance Majord said don't despair yet bro, it is only early days and your actions should not reflect your emotions. Beec said You do not need to know if she is seeing another guy. Asking will totally undermine your game. Don't pursue that anymore. She was making eye contact??? Then she still likes you, don't screw it up and chase her away, i.e. don't be needy. If you can manage to do that, at least you will still be in the game. Otherwise, you may seal your fate and be looking in from the outside. I had another quote from our fav expert Beec lined up - something along the lines of "And if you find out she is seeing someone else, nothing changes to your game" But i can't actually find it anywhere. i bet he's hidden it from me hehehehe...knows i was gonna use it in my argument!! Anyway, i'm just searching through old posts and they made me think some more!! I like the idea of one final swing at this, if i could stomach it, maybe even the friends night, but maybe i am just being stupid. I just CAN NOT help but think to the times i have hear Beec, Majord and others say that finding out there is someone new doesn't change the way you should play the game. I'm gonna have to find the MOrrigans no contact post to have a check on the rules from that side of things. By the way, don't think i posted this the other day, but my mum had a great story for me - when she was my age, she was in the same position with a guy in Canada. They were perfect for each other, but he broke it off for the same stupid reasons as my ex did. My mum was gutted. Didn't know what to do or say. She is now happily married to my dad, but 8 years ago (and she has not replied to this day simply through not knowing what to say) she got a letter from this guy. First contact in YEARS. It just said a load of stuff, and then "come back to me". That story blew me away. Link to comment
spatzcolumbo Posted April 1, 2004 Author Share Posted April 1, 2004 Majord, seems we are posting at the same time!!! I kinda answered a few of your things without reading your post!!! SUch as why Beec and others previously stated taht the game does not change if i find out she is dating. If i do not call her, then she KNOWS that it is because i saw them. She knows that i am reacting badly to that. Surely the game is to show her that it does NOT bother me (no matter that it clearly DOES bother me i hear you all shout!!!). I agree, that she WILL act on it if there was anything. but my point is that maybe her suggesting me meet up, and not telling me about her new guy, maybe that was at least her THINKING about things - i maintain that saying you want to meet up with an ex to share a bottle of wine IS suspect, especially if you are with someone new. Furthermore, watching a series like Friends is ALSO kinda sus...i know what you're thinking, NO ITS NOT....but i know a LOT of girls who get all girly and romantic when they watch that stuff. All i'm saying is if i was with someone and they wanted to share a bottle of wine with an ex, i'd have summin to say about that. I have NO problem with them seeing the ex, but the wine thing seems dodgy. When we were together she met up with her ex for a chat, and there was no issue at all. Anyway just some thoughts. And one other thing....any other ideas about what to do if i DO leave it and if she DOES contact me once the new guy has gone home??!!?? How would i play it then (again hypothetically speaking) Link to comment
dikaia880 Posted April 1, 2004 Share Posted April 1, 2004 I agree with what you are saying to spatz majord...but can I suggest this... While your advice is excellent...it makes the assumption that A.) Spatz saw her with her new bf. B.) She saw him We cannot assume either of these... This is why I believe you don't cut contact. I say you go for drinks...if she does have a new guy, she's had him for awhile...that didn't stop her from meeting you before. It could have been her and a guy on a date...it sucks I know, but... Meeting would help figure out where your at...obviously you don't really want to come out and ask...how about "Hey I thought I say you the other day on my way to xxx, where you around xxx that morning?" Or "hey I think i saw you and a guy the other day, were you guys hanging out by xxx, around xxx time?" Ask it like it doesn't matter that she was with some other guy...why should it bother you right? your aloof...another guy wouldn't bother and aloof guy! I don't think you just walk away...I don't think you make assumption...when you assume things you make an a$$ out of you and me...don't make an a$$ out of me... Link to comment
spatzcolumbo Posted April 1, 2004 Author Share Posted April 1, 2004 Ya see i think you see what i'm getting at. I have NO guarantee about seeing her. I was almost certain it was her, but as my mum says (and she has some knowledge, being a pscyh-analyst), the mind can play VERY mean tricks on you when things such as LOVE, JEALOUSY, and DESIRE are in the mix. I also have NO guarantee that she saw me - we were a long distance apart. As i was looking, i saw her look over in my direction - busy busy road in the middle - just as i am not 100% sure, maybe there is no guarantee that she saw me. These are the issues. This is so annoying, as it seems that every step closer i have got, some annoying coincidence or problem has taken me a step further away. Link to comment
majord23 Posted April 1, 2004 Share Posted April 1, 2004 Guys, Majord said don't despair yet bro, it is only early days and your actions should not reflect your emotions. I just CAN NOT help but think to the times i have hear Beec, Majord and others say that finding out there is someone new doesn't change the way you should play the game. My first quote still stands true spatz: And at the moment it is even more relevant. I would say that your emotions are very much an impossible obstacle to overcome in order to play the game. You are not capable of not letting your emotions rule your actions....so don't let her close enough to see what your actions might be. And yes, finding out they have someone new shouldn't change the way you play the game in essense. If they are aware that you know about their new partner however, it does change. Having said that, your goals remain the same...you have to keep her guessing, you have to have get upperhand and at the moment there is only one way to do it..... Link to comment
spatzcolumbo Posted April 1, 2004 Author Share Posted April 1, 2004 We could go on like this all night!!! Because she may NOT know that i know. That she knows that i know she knows. Sorry. But seriously, the fact is i hve only become so emotional because it was such a stupidly crazy and horrible coincidence the way i found out. Any other way i could handle it a lot better. You only have to look at my lunch with her last week to show how impecable my game was - not a single sentence about us or her and a new guy. Not one. If i can get myself in check by the weekend, then maybe i COULD pull it off. I don't know. Link to comment
majord23 Posted April 1, 2004 Share Posted April 1, 2004 dikia, I agree. My advice is only on the assumption that what spatz thought he saw is a reality. Link to comment
spatzcolumbo Posted April 1, 2004 Author Share Posted April 1, 2004 Right guys, so what do i do based on the fact that it is NOT set in stone that it was her that i saw...it is MOST LIKELY, but as i said, the mind has a VERY evil way of playing tricks!!! I still do not know where to take it. Not that anyone other than myself can make that decision for me, i know that much Link to comment
majord23 Posted April 1, 2004 Share Posted April 1, 2004 Hey spatz, Well, I guess we're back to square on to a degree! lol You have to find out whether she has a BF or not.....using the methods that dikia suggested. You did give me the impression that you saw her and she saw you....and that is what my advice has been based on. That is a must....getting the answer to that question. If it is a no, continue as you have been playing the game. If it is a yes, see how she explains the new BF to you... and then cut off contact. She will be scared of losing you altogether spatz, believe me. Link to comment
dikaia880 Posted April 1, 2004 Share Posted April 1, 2004 I agree, find out...the hard part is to not lead on a to why you are trying to find out...I don't know if my other suggestions do that or not. If she does have a b/f...at the end of the conversation, balls out....Swing for the fences, pull the goalie, throw the hail mary, "you know, someday you're going to realize, that, we're right together...sorry that didn't work out...i wish the best for you." Then don't let her talk you into contact, or any of that...let that stew in her mind... If no B/F...hopefully you questioning hasn't compromised your position, if not theres no change in the game plan...if it has switch on the fly...do what you think is right... Link to comment
spatzcolumbo Posted April 1, 2004 Author Share Posted April 1, 2004 Right then, so we are making slow progress!! i think. If i am to find out in any way if it WAS her, then i have only a few options... Firstly, i can ask a guy i know at my local pub (guy who usually works with her) to find out for me...he may already know. The problem here is i am not entirely sure i can trust him not to say it is me asking. He is a mate, but is also the one who introduced us, when he REALLY liked her!!! So my next option is to text her mum to ask - another BAD option, i know. But a possibility all the same. And my final option is to call her again, and ask her if she fancies a drink sometime this weekend. In this conversation i can mention that i thought i saw her the other day but wasn't sure, but it reminded me that i was gonna call her. Other options are JUST asking her out for a drink - but then finding out whilst we have a drink...the downside being if it WAS her and she DID see me, then she will probably be sus why i didn't ask on the phone. Remember, i called her earlier with no answer, and left a message saying i would call back later. So now i must decide should i try and find this out now (baring in mind HE is probably still with her) or do i leave it until tomorrow?? ps - engineering us having a drink at the pub / wine at my place would also give me the ideal opportunity (if it came to it) to explain things face to face...and to see her reactions face to face about the bf, and me wanting not to hear from her again - which still scares the hell outta me) Link to comment
dikaia880 Posted April 1, 2004 Share Posted April 1, 2004 At this point go from the viewpoint that you are not sure it was her...and you are not sure she has a boyfriend... If you could trust that guy that she works with, to absolutely not say a word...then it's good but you must be certain... Link to comment
spatzcolumbo Posted April 1, 2004 Author Share Posted April 1, 2004 I do NOT think i can trust the guy at the pub...and even if i could he is not a good enough friend to put in that situation.,..it would be quite rude of me, and could make things difficult for him. WHich leaves either her mum, or her directly. Link to comment
dikaia880 Posted April 1, 2004 Share Posted April 1, 2004 Where does the mom stand on this one...as far as her thoughts about you...if you asked her not to tell your ex, would she anyways? I think it would have to be 99% certain that she wouldn't reveal you on this one... Otherwise you may be stuck getting it yourself... the other thing is if the guy she worked with liked her, you can't trust his answer... also he could ask her, she'd say yeah i have a guy because maybe she would think she's getting asked out and didn't want to go out with him...I know a lot of girls that lie about having b/f when someone they don't like asks them out... Link to comment
spatzcolumbo Posted April 1, 2004 Author Share Posted April 1, 2004 Her mum LOVES me - both parents were HUGELY disappointed when we split. i think they wanted us to get married. They told her afterwards that they were really gutted, and that they didn't want to get to know her future boyfriends very well becaue they were worried they would get too attached, just like they did with me. I still believe that they would be really happy if we got back together. Before we met up for lunch last week, i know her mum was fussing over her appearance. I have no idea what they think of the new guy (if there is one) and i have no idea whether she would say anything to my ex. I am trying to think of things in the past which are similar. I talked to them a lot just before we split up, and it all got back to my ex, but mainly because i didn't say otherwise. She also told me after the ex went back to uni, that any time i needed a chat, i was welcome to go round. Hard one. Ideally, i would bump into her mum somewhere, but that is not likely to happen!!! Link to comment
majord23 Posted April 1, 2004 Share Posted April 1, 2004 spatz, Get it directly from her. Assume that anyone you ask will tell her that you asked. Be prepared to hear that she has someone new, and prepare a reaction....just to be safe mate. The fewer people involved (friends, family etc.) the better. Don't let *anyone* see what your mind-set is like or that anything regarding your ex may upset you. You have to maintain the 'unaffected' demeanour to anyone surrounding your ex. Link to comment
spatzcolumbo Posted April 1, 2004 Author Share Posted April 1, 2004 Right ok, is now (9:48pm) too late to call, also baring in mind i think he will be there... or should i just bite the bullet and do it??? Link to comment
majord23 Posted April 1, 2004 Share Posted April 1, 2004 If you said in your message that you would call later (I think that you did?), then it's ok to call spatz. Think about what you want to say...and also be prepared that she may not answer...if she doesn't, leave another message just saying that she is a hard one to catch...and for her to call you when she gets a chance. Link to comment
spatzcolumbo Posted April 1, 2004 Author Share Posted April 1, 2004 VERY bizarre I called first time, and straight to machine - like she was on the phone to someone. I didn't leave a message - just hung up for some reason, so decided to call again...immediately...to leave a message...this time it rang...and rang...and rang...and went to her voicemail...so i just left a message saying i was just calling cos i said i would earlier, and that she should give me a call when she has some spare time. Bugger. That threw me a bit i have to admit. I was ready for her not to answer, but i wasn't ready for it to go to voicemail, then ring the second time, yet still not answer - seems someone is avoiding my call!!! Link to comment
majord23 Posted April 1, 2004 Share Posted April 1, 2004 VERY bizarre I was ready for her not to answer, but i wasn't ready for it to go to voicemail, then ring the second time, yet still not answer - seems someone is avoiding my call!!! Perhaps spatz, but not necessarily. Someone else could have been calling at the same time as you (hence straight to voicemail) and then you called back straight away and it rang. Time will tell mate. Link to comment
spatzcolumbo Posted April 1, 2004 Author Share Posted April 1, 2004 er hold on...i had a thought...and it was backed up by a text from her... she is trying to buy glasto tickets...so she is online, and on her phone as well...on off on off.... her text says : "Sorry im trying to buy glasto tickets - phone in one hand, computer in other!!! Hope ur ok x" Should i reply saying "no worries, i forgot about that!!! Good luck...hey was it you i saw the other day by the way??" DOH her hope ur ok comment could mean just that, or could mean "i know you saw me the other day" i need more info!!! Link to comment
majord23 Posted April 1, 2004 Share Posted April 1, 2004 It's up to you how to reply spatz, but don't ask about the other day I would just say "No worries x". It's short, makes it sound as though you're not bothered. Don't ask about the other day over text....her response by text may give you more questions than answers....or you may not get a reply at all. Do it over the phone or face-to-face bro...where you have to get an answer immediately....and it also gives you the chance to clarify any other questions you may have. Link to comment
spatzcolumbo Posted April 1, 2004 Author Share Posted April 1, 2004 Cheers Majord, Boy am i glad you're online tonight!!! I replied: "no worries...good luck...call me sometime x" Hope this is ok. Maybe i shouldn't have put the call me sometime bit, but i guess now its in her court. Just wish i knew about the 'hope ur ok x' comment...im sure that sounds like the kinda of thing someone might say after the events of the other day!! Reading too much into this as usual!!! Link to comment
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