New Guy

[spatzcolumbo]

You are right Beec, both thoughts have crossed my mind. Both negative and positive. I am siding with it being because she wants to avoid a confrontation - that would be the usual reason i believe after most breakups. However, on the other hand i could point towards her warmth and flirtatious behaviour at lunch last week, and suggest maybe it is the positive factor as well!!!

 

I would just have more respect for her if she told me about it i think. I am constantly comparing this break up with that of her and her old ex. I remember her saying how she was not that interested in keeping in touch with him at all, but her behaviour thus far with me has been generally more positive in that sense.

 

I also find things hard because her and her other ex were seeing each other for around the same time as i was seeing her, and she got together with me 6-8 weeks after they split, so whats to say that won't happen again this time!! Still, at the same time whats to say they won't split up by the summer!! What ifs again!!

 

I still have to work out my plan for when (if) we get together for drinks later in the week. I am half thinking about diving back into no contact - thus seeing if she contacts me about meeting up...however being as us meeting up was kinda arranged for watchin TV at my place, i guess she will be expecting an invite!!

 

Geecee suggested maybe in a couple of days i give her a call.

 

-----

 

Healing,

 

thanks for readin...but i know i am NOT ready to give her up, or to move on. That is half my problem - it has been four months, and i still desire her SO much. I want her to be part of my life, but on more than a friends basis. But it seems that is what i have to go for if i have any chance in the future, and even then the chance is slim.

 

The more i think about it, the more i think Geecee is right when she says go and talk to her mother - we got on very well, and she cared a lot for me. Perhaps i will see how the rest of Easter goes, and then give her a call to ask about my ex - see what she has communicated to her parents in terms of longer term plans.

[spatzcolumbo]

Right guys, i messaged her this morning saying that i'm off work from Wednesday onwards, so she should let me know when is good for her if she still wants to meet up. She replied saying she is only busy on Thursday, but other than that she will let me know. She said she just really did not feel well the other day!! She also wanted to know why i wasn't about last night, because she went up to the pub (possibly to see the people she normally works with) and said she saw my regular drinking mates there, but not me. I told her the truth (i've got flu)...though part of me wishes i had told her i was out on a date hehehe.

 

Anyway, looks like us meeting will happen some time over the next week!!

[GeeCee]

Wow this is time for you to strategise Spatz, and not flake out like some of do when we get to this stage.

 

I cannot stress enough that you need to have a clear outcome of this meeting in your mind. Definitely. What do you hope to achieve? What is realistic? Work with that.

 

Cannot stress the other thing - DO NOT GET YOUR HOPES UP TOO MUCH -impossible I know!!!

 

G xx

[spatzcolumbo]

Don't worry Geecee, i'm NOT getting my hopes up. She has the new guy, she IS worried about meeting i think, for whatever reason, but probably as Beec and Majord say, because she doesn't want the confrontation.

 

Its nice that she was wondering why i wasn't at the pub last night. I have since discovered she was chatting to one of my mates, then when my other mate walked over she left. So i obivously have to find out whether she said anything interesting to him, or whether he said anything to her.

 

So my last message to her was to say that i am ill - and nothing in reply at all, not even a friendly "get well soon".

 

But who cares - i didn't really expect it.

 

At the end of the day, this meeting is about telling her i have to leave her life for my own good. I've got it pretty much planned out what i want to say, but i am refining over the next few days. And i am trying to build up the guts to actually do it.

[spatzcolumbo]

Beec, Majord, Geecee,

 

I'm thinking some more about my plan and what i say to her...

 

Would i be making a huge mistake to say things like

 

"i feel like you have forgotten about the all the great times we had together"

 

"i kinda hoped that one way or another things would work out for us"

 

"i hoped that maybe it was a case of right person, wrong time, and that maybe once you finish uni things could be different. But i guess that is stupidly unrealistic"

 

And jsut reading a post by MyJoy, who suggests that showing you are emotionally independent is important. Is it thereforeeee safe for me to point out to her that the last 4 months has cleared up in my mind how strongly i feel for her, but that i can cope on my own. That i realise how confused by desire i was before, but that now i'm seeing things more clearly.

 

You know, i still worry that she will turn round, completely miss the point of me telling her i am leaving her life, and will say "good, i'm happy that you have sorted yourself out and can be happy without me"

 

May post more later - i keep getting ideas flash into my head about stuff i want to say to her, but i don't know how much of it is really appropriate...

 

---------UPDATE-----------

 

Guys, she just came on IM....she suggested tomorrow for her to come over and watch Friends....scared now!!! Pressure is on.

[rich_1517]

Spatz

here is my sugestion for what its worth. she is still trying to keep a connection with you. its a thin connection based on a lot of non clarity.

 

i know this is hard. i have been doing it for some time. you have to get out, do other things get your head clearer. dont post for a couple hours, be elsewhere. we start by giving them power in our head and then in life.

 

my take is no dont tell her how you feel, start a conversation that lets her tell you how she feels, then dont respond. give yourself a couple of days to respond.

 

ask her "After" you have a good time. take the heat off yourself and look forward to fun not talking.

 

while you are having a good time dont imagine that things are going somewhere becuase you are. act like a friend right now. no pressure.

 

then towards the end of the night, ask her "was there anything you wanted to talk about?" if she says no. then leave it alone for now. the reason i say this is you arent ready to let her go, but you dont have her back.

 

so take the middle road a little longer. UNLESS you are prepared to move on without her. but be ready for it to be over based on a real or percieved ultimatum. the fact that she wants to see you is a good sign, give her good memories.

 

if after she says things you need to understand, come back here, sort it out with us. THEN respond to her.

 

you cant tell someone you are fine without them. you show them. i go a long time before i make my calls. she calls me far more. but that doesnt change anything. its the actions when you are together and apart that speak louder.

[GeeCee]

Spatz

 

There is no pressure - don't put any on yourself.

 

Decide long and hard about what you want from this meeting - other than a good laugh from the Friends, and then act accordingly.

 

Remember - low expectations = realistic outcomes.

 

G xx

[dikaia880]

You Know how they say that you have to learn from your mistakes?

Well Spatz...learn from mine....don't tell her how you feel...just have fun with her, no pressure on yourself....I don't think that there is one important moment. It's kind of like when your playing at duece in tennis...you have to win two points to win the game...

 

You could tell her how you feel, "swing" for the fences right? You'll get an answer...but it's not going to be good, no matter how much I thought I was prepared to hear the 'wrong' answer I still hoped that there would be the answer I wanted...i didn't get that...

Have fun watching friends, hang out, and just be the guy she fell for in the first place...

I wasn't able to do that at this point...maybe in the fall, but if you can do it, by all means do..

[spatzcolumbo]

Right,

 

I've been over this in my head SO many times. And it has changed drastically since i am 99.9% sure she is now with someone else. My plan is basically to keep things light as long as possible. Last time i saw her, i was FINE - as i have said, there was NO mention of US at all.

 

However, a lot has changed since then - i saw her with the new guy, and she knows it.

 

With this in mind, she will surely be expecting some kind of questioning from me. I will withold all if i can until the end of the night.

 

I know she does not want me back. If she did then there would have been a hell of a lot more movement on her part.

 

What i want from this meeting is to either shock her into realising she could lose me forever, or some kind of logical answer to why we split up, yet she can be with a new guy so soon.

 

If it goes really well then i may change the plan ever so slightly - i may suggest meeting like this again, and then have the 'i'm walking away for good' conversation the next time. but i think that is risky. I doubt i will even pull it off this time round.

 

Anyway, knowing that she does not want me means that i can not try anything. I can attempt to be flirty with her, make her laugh, but this of course risks pushing her further away. I assume that of course she may just be meeting up to get it out the way - she will feel awkward, and she will know that i feel awkward.

 

I don't think i am prepared to be 'fine' with the fact taht she is seeing someone else!!!

 

Maybe i should give it a go, but i don't know - its risky. i would feel like i was just saying "great, i'm fine with the fact that i wasn't good enough for you but this guy is".

 

So basically, it is to show her how great we get on, and then at the end to say "i have been doing really well on my own, but seeing you again has dragged up a few old feelings, and i think it would be better if i walked away, as much as i don't want to...i care for you too much but find it hard to see you with another guy". Basically, from my pont of view i will NOT be walking away for good - it is just trying to make her THINK that i am.

 

Its a shock tactic - i've done the 'no contact' and pretending i am fine with things for a while now, and nothing is has helped. I am sure she must know i stlil have feelings for her. If i didn't, then i would not have chased so much about meeting up!!

 

Thoughts?

[rich_1517]

Spatz

 

you do not have to see her. if you know she is seeing someone else and arent ready to be a friend. dont be, and dont feel you have to explain either. abscense my friend is ok.