New Guy

[majord23]

 

Big warning, this is a tough game to play.

 

 

...and a game that will end with another 140 page thread and alot of heartache for spatz.

[spatzcolumbo]

Beec i have to say you kinda read my mind there...i thought that earlier - if i DO call it all off properly tonight, then it WILL seem like the whole last few months have been about me trying to do things to get her back.

 

To be honest i like the idea of both bits of advice - yours and Majord's. The question is, which to go for. I don't think i will really know until later on in the night, when she either does or does not come round.

 

It is a VERY hard game to get right, you are correct, but it is a move i felt i HAD to make. I felt that by dropping contact again after so much work, it would be obvious that it was because i saw her the other day.

 

The question remains, which is the best ploy, and if your advice is right Beec, how do i play the end of the night??

 

If i take Majord's advice, the end of the night is hard, but i know what needs to be said more or less.

 

More confused than ever!!!

 

The trouble here is you are BOTH right in your own ways.

 

I think either game ends up with me having major heartache - i've already come that far!!!

 

And i will no doubt be posting on here a lot anyway.

 

Oh what to do, what to do???

[Beec]

If she has another guy, you cannot be the second boyfriend, but you if and when that ends, I think you should want her to know the door to get you back is unlocked. Slamming the door and locking it forever, may have some benefit, but I think its risks are too high. She could believe you and then if she wants back, what does she do? Have to get over her insecurities and thoughts that you have already rejected her?

 

If a woman says she never wants to see you again, what is it going to take for you to ask her out or even call her again??

 

If you are still interested in playing for the long term, I jsut send her home, and never mention it other than to confirm she has a new guy, MAYBE, and take it like it doesn't phase you. If she asks, say "well I am dsiappointed, but I cannot chain you down, can I?"

[spatzcolumbo]

Well if she drives over, then thats all good. If she walks, and we drink, then i'll be walking her home (she won't accept a taxi offer i'm sure).

 

If this is the case, then it'll be THEN that i decide what to do.

 

At the end of the day, i would still do ANYTHING to get this girl back, so yes, longer term (thinking over the summer) i would be prepared to keep the door open, even though i would try to move on. I've always thought this, and always had it in the back of my mind that she just needs to do this part of her life her own way - as so many 20 year old girls do - need to go out and do what they feel they need to do to be sure of whatever it is that confuses them.

 

I doubt she will come back long term, but its happened to people before, so why not again!!!

 

I will judge the nights ending on the reaction from both of us during the rest of the night. Assuming its still on, of course!!

 

Cheers

[roark1216]

Actually, I am going to back majord on this one - sometimes a swift kick in the head is what it takes, and 'cutting the cord' often has this effect. When I first met my girlfriend, she was in a pretty crappy relationship that was just ending. She kept coming in to me, then backing off - for MONTHS,, and finally I couldn't stand it anymore because I didn't know where I stood.

 

So, I told her, "if you go back to (the other guy), I simply won't be able to respect you and spend any time with you after all we've been through. Period, end of sentence. I'm not making this as a threat - but merely a statement of what my honest reaction will be."

 

So, the a few hours later she texts me and says, "I'm back with him - I'm sorry." So, I called her up and said, "tomorrow morning meet me for coffee as usual at 8, okay?"

 

When she showed up for coffee, I was pleasant and we chatted for a moment. Then I reached under the table, picked up a bag of all of the letters she had written to me, books she had given me to read, mementos, etc. I handed it to her and said, very quietly and modestly, "You made your decision, and as I told you - I cannot keep you in my life at all. Here's everything you gave to me. I've already erased your telephone number from my phone, erased your address from my book, and thrown away all of the other small items (that was a lie, of course). And in this bag is everything else. I told you - I cannot bear to think of you with him, and if that is your choice, you are not permitted to have me on the side. Goodbye."

 

I then got up, walked out of the coffee shop, and didn't talk to her for two weeks. Finally, I broke down and sent her a message and we re-initiated contact and worked things out.

 

POINT BEING: the only way I was able to do this was by really smacking her around and making my point clear. It's a bit of a 'nuclear armaggedon' move - but at that point, what do you have to lose?

 

OK, I big time disagree with majord.

 

I'm for pulling back on the contact, if spatz needs to do that. I'm not for cutting the cord.

 

I think spatz best bet is to seem the bigger man, seem like he can still be a friendly guy, etc. If he pulls this move, it looks like all that stiff with the CD and stuff was all jsut a ploy. Maybe it was, but it should not be seen as such.

 

I would still want to be the guy who keeps in contact and upon occasion fill some need. I'd also be out there dating, so maybe she will think she will lose what spatz does.

 

Big warning, this is a tough game to play.

[rich_1517]

Hi Spatz

im just joining in. i can see that this has been hard for. when is this "meeting" i would like to help.

 

i do notice that you think about this a lot. i highly reccomend you do not meet for any conversation if you cannot get yourself grounded. if one of your goals is to get this girl back someday one of the things you need to show is self respect and confidence. but also if you want to maintain self respect.

 

i dont mean to left hook you and add more doubt when you already have plenty. try to think long term, in our rush to resolve emotional hurt we make short term decisions that impact long term plans.

 

you dont actually have to say a damn thing to her. you can go grey area for as long as "you" want and can stand. if you need resolution to end your hurt and confustion, you are the one who controls that not her.

 

sorry to jump in like this. im reading your earlier posts to find out more.

 

when is this meeting? please let me know.

[spatzcolumbo]

Thanks Rich,

 

We have been split for about 4 months now - well just under. Anyway, it is hard because normally she is 6 hours away at uni - she is currently back for easter, and will be back again at the end of may for a period of 4 months. I guess thereforeeee my aim has to be long term.

 

I just want to get tonight out the way.

[rich_1517]

and what is tonight? what is the stated purpose of tonight to her?

[spatzcolumbo]

...It doesn't matter anymore guys...she cancelled tonight - said she doesn't think its a good idea cos she is really tired, but hopes we can do it soon!!

 

Aaaaaaaaaarghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

[Beec]

I think we see a debate here between an approach that will allow spatz to hang on and try to create in the future and a high risk move that could pay off or put him out in the cold for good, or at least make it tough to get back into another mode.

 

If she was living close by, I'd think a little more about a high risk approach, but her being 6 hours away puts a little more in favor of the choice of the other guy over spatz. No idea how she weights them now, but clearly she is without spatz.

[spatzcolumbo]

I have no idea what to do now she has cancelled.

 

I feel like calling her up and just asking her if she is feeling awkward or something. And to get her to confirm about the other guy.

 

Aarrrghhhhh drives me mad.

[Beec]

one big question spatz:

 

You see a woman one of your friends dates. You might think about her yourself. But when they break up, she chases, begs, pleads and then says don't talk to me ever again. Now, do you want to date her??

[rich_1517]

hmmm.

 

well the high risk needs to be based on potential outcome. are her feelings sufficient for it to be effective. gambling on ultimatums must be thought out. i have wrestled with this myself. my own feelings are twofold on that one. two things must be true

 

1. do not play the card to lose. play it only when you know it will win.

 

2. you must be able to live with not getting what you want.

 

and of course if its only to end your own pain and confusion, dont do it. play the trump card at the moment its most effective. that may sound overly cautious but i sense you dont have the the answers to the first two right now. i agree that removing being taken for granted must happen but there are other ways to do that. (buy love tactics).

 

for the long play (which i have been doing). beec has helped me a lot on this. you set the stage to reseduce them back into the relationship. no guarantees and you must walk with not knowing the outcome for some time, settle for less. but you get a chance to get clearer, to see if this is what you want.

 

the long play requires that you let go of the past and the future and rebuild you now for you, then she will see these things or she wont. but you become more attractive an option. you also have to take care of yourself alone emotionally, physically and mentally. and you may find over time you no longer want her. BUT you must turn over all the baggage of your feelings. accept that no one can fix them except you. you must treat it as over and greive, get angry, start healing.

 

bear in mind i dont know your situation closely but i get an idea about it. so i am not saying what you should do. only you can make that call. we all mean well, but we also like feeling like we mean well. in the end you must live with you. i hope this helps. i have very similar experience.

[rich_1517]

man good point Beec.

[GeeCee]

Jesus Spatz

 

Have just caught up on your thread. I am soooo sorry. Have you any more news? Will talk to you later.

 

G xx

[majord23]

one big question spatz:

 

You see a woman one of your friends dates. You might think about her yourself. But when they break up, she chases, begs, pleads and then says don't talk to me ever again. Now, do you want to date her??

 

 

and I would counter by saying:

spatz, you break up with a woman....you've got some doubts, but decide to go through with it. You start seeing someone else (not entirely serious). Your ex finds out and, despite you thinking that they would always be there for you, they tell you that they are out of your life forever....they aint waiting for you while you date others.

 

Do you, (if you think there is *ANY* chance that the person you broke up with is "the one")...go after them, or let them walk out of your life forever?

 

By the way, if you are willing to let them walk....they were never the one.

 

Bottom line spatz, I have been in your situation from BOTH sides....and I know what worked and what didn't. Any questions, send me a PM bro.

[spatzcolumbo]

Well guys, Her text: "i'm sorry i don't think tonight is a good idea because i'm not feeling great - really tired and got bad heat rash. Hope we can do it soon x"...

 

I really did not know what to say. I was half expecting it, but kinda annoyed to be honest. I was gonna reply to say "look if you're with a new guy and you find this awkward or you are worried i am gonna hassle you about it, then just say so and lets forget everything"

 

But instead, i just got some mates round, watched some films, and did not reply at all. Maybe she will keep dodging me, i do't know. Maybe she WAS just tired, and maybe she DOES want to meet up soon. Who knows. All very confusing as per usual.

 

She obviously still seems certain that i have no chance at all - after her saying we could meet up if i was "sure i am ok with things".

 

SO tonight, i was thinking again about over Christmas when i really pushed her about the reason we split. I told her i didn't think she had given me a reason...she replied saying "i've told you its because i feel this is too serious for someone my age, and it scares me and i don't want to feel trapped". So i have no idea what that was meant to mean, but it seems like a sucky reason to me. I am starting to think that she knew this guy before hand, and had this whole setup planned out. Giving me that reason is supposedly the least hurtful. Or maybe she really was scared.

 

Sorry, off on a tangent there.

 

I have no idea. Seems things have really changed in her head since she obviously knows i saw them the other day. I can not understand why this would change her behaviour so suddenly though. Last week when we met for lunch, there was not a hint of her new guy, and she was really happy and quite flirty (so i thought). I don't get why it has changed now i know she is with someone!!!

 

I'm rambling again guys!!

[GeeCee]

Ramble away Spatz - it's all a mass of confusion and contradictions. Welcome to the world where black is white, up is down and in is out.

 

Gracious!!

 

G xx

[spatzcolumbo]

And why oh why oh why say "possibly" in reply to my question "hey was it you i saw the other day".

 

WHY possibly....its either YES OR NO...What good is the answer POSSIBLY????

 

Arrrrgh. Seriously, answers on a postcard, id love to know what point there was in that answer.

 

--------Sunday Morning Edit-----------

 

Ok guys, i was feeling really confused last night, but i got some good thoughts down. It seems logical to me that she does not want to tell me about the other guy because she worries that i will start asking her about him, and this may lead to evidence that contradicts her 'reasons' for splitting with me at Christmas.

 

However, having decided to sleep on it, i still don't understand IN THE SLIGHTEST why there has been such a sudden change from meeting up for lunch, to how she is acting now, all presumably over me seeing them together during the week. Maybe she thought i was really happy just being friends, but has taken my regular calls to mean that i want more, and this scares her. Maybe the new new guy has had words and has pushed her away from the idea of meeting with me. I don't know.

 

I am seriously thinking of taking some advice Geecee gave to me - calling her mum up for a chat, but i KNOW its probably the last thing i should be doing - this is between me and my ex, and nobody else.

 

I really do not understand her behaviour at all. I just want some answers.

[rich_1517]

Spatz you are going to hate this comment. suppose what she says is true. that the relationships was too serious. is it possible you are applying more pressure than she is comfortable with?

[spatzcolumbo]

...I am not applying much pressure now - i went for 6-7 weeks of no contact at all, ending in her contacting me a lot. Recently i have merely asked her out because she suggested that she wanted to see me - it is just since i have found out that there is the new guy that she has been less responsive - before that she was fine!!!

 

This is why i don't get it!!

 

And i don't get how it could have been too serious for her, yet she can dump me and move onto a new guy so soon. Unless he is just a fling. Who knows.

[Beec]

Spatz,

 

How about i was too serious for the distance between you. She is 20 and may want to date, not think about why she is sitting in a dorm room Sat. night doing nothing, while her friends are all on dates. She may still think, "Hey. maybe someday with that guy Spatz. But, right now, the lDR is too much work. I don't want to be in such a serious LDR, when I am so young. I want to go out and have fun."

[spatzcolumbo]

I guess i know that is the reason - it just kinda pains me to hear it because the way i see it you have to be pretty full on about someone in order for it to be serious, and you have to be pretty in love with them to talk about moving in together...which is why it seems so strange that you can end things and move on so quickly. And of course, maybe she sees it as something for the future, but i can not see how people are able to do that, and put things on the back burner as if it can just be picked up later (even though i know i would probably still be waiting around!!!). It seems like there would kinda be no point in starting other relationships!! Especially when she said how perfect we were etc etc...arrrrghhhh. I hate Sundays just thinking about things!!!

 

I just want her to come out and say it that she is with a new guy - not just skirt round the issue as if she has something to hide!! I do not see why she would do that.

[Beec]

I just want her to come out and say it that she is with a new guy - not just skirt round the issue as if she has something to hide!! I do not see why she would do that.

 

OK, first I am looking at things in a postive light. Maybe because she wants you to be there should she ever want to put you on the front burner, and find it still warm, not solid in the freezer or worse, in the trash.

 

Or, negative light, she wants to avoid a painful confrontation.

[healing]

I don't know your story...but from the tone of your posts, it seems to me that it is time for you to let her go...and you seem ready to do that.

 

No contact is the only way to do this. Don't call, don't email, don't talk to her when you run into her...do NOTHING!

 

Live your life! Focus on you! Take care of you!