New Guy

[spatzcolumbo]

Guys,

 

just walked home for lunch and on the way i glanced accross the road (she was a long way away, and saw her with a new guy.

 

Pretty sure that it was her - 99% sure. Same hair, but straighter than usual (she has straightners), same bag, same clothes.

 

I stupidly turned round to follow her for a bit to check it was her - but couldn't really tell, although i am sure it was....i just turned round and followed for a minute just out of shock and anger.

 

They were not holding hands or anything until they crossed a road, then they put their arms around each other. But nothing else. Then they branched off and went another way. I am sure she saw me when i first saw her because she was looking accross the road too.

 

I just wish i was 100% sure it was her. but i am 99% and that hsould be enough. i am kidding myself thinking it was anyone else.

 

I want to text and ask if it was her i saw earlier, just keep it aloof and as if i am not bothered.

 

I see no way i can still phone her and ask her if she wants to watch some films at the weekend. That would be stupid. i don't know if i would be able to hold my tongue.

 

This has come at the worst possible time.

 

What do i do. I need help. Beec, Geecee, help me, but don't be too harsh i am in a bad way.

[GeeCee]

Ok Spatz. Do nothing. Nothing at all. I am in a meeting all afternoon, and am glad that we have talked at least. Do nothing at all. No calls, no texts, no emails.

 

I mean it.

 

Nothing.

 

G xx

[Beec]

Listen to GeeCee.

 

How could this be a new guy? Is he visiting her from Uni? Did she meet a new guy since she came back? Both doubtful based on what you say. Easy there spatz, easy. They did not act like they were anything more than friendly, no hand holding, no kissing, nothing but a hug. You need to relax. You are not even sure it was her, and she did nothing. Even if she did, so what. Say something now and you sink your chances for all time. Easy does it.

[spatzcolumbo]

I feel like just dumping this s**t once and for all by messaging or calling and asking if it was her.

 

there is now way i want to meet up if she thinks we are just gonna be friensd. That is not going to happen.

 

I wish it wasn;t her, but i am so sure. Unless my eyes are playing tricks on me, but somehow i don't think they were.

 

I feel like ending all this.

[spatzcolumbo]

The hug was a together hug - not a hug as such, but arms round each others back like when you are walking with your girlfriend you will have your arms around each others backs.

 

And that then went into holding hands for a few metres, then nothing again.

 

Seems pretty couply to me.

 

She will have met him at uni. he will have come down this week - she said last week that she was busy this week - i got paranoid, and was sure that she was gonna be having a visitor, and this is now confirmed. I am sure of it. i need to know for sure. I cannot put up with meeting up for a bottle of wine and friends (probably just false promises anyway).

[Beec]

No you don't. You still want her. Relax. Send her nothing.

[spatzcolumbo]

I do still want her, but this has made it more or less impossible. I need to know if there is the point in trying.

 

last week, and all th good messages - the message FIRST thing on her birthday, the message a few days later telling me how nice the presents were...everything...i just don't get it.

 

It was her. She has another bloke, taht is end of story - the one thing i didnt want to happen has happened, and in the worst possible way - me just seeing them out. She didn't even tell me or hint about it last week.

[GeeCee]

Nothing Spatz - you know nothing yet.

 

G xx

[Beec]

It is not the end of the story, and you don't even know the story. Stop. Do nothing.

[spatzcolumbo]

F&*^ i am going insane here. I really am. truth be told the only reason i was going home was because i was thinking of popping by to ask her about this weekend. I wish i had just bumped into her face to face, not at a distance. I wish i had created that awkwardness, even though i could then have remained cool. not seeing her close up with him has made it harder to take for some reason. Because i panicked, and am still panicking.

 

Sorry guys, i hate being like this. And i know it is tiring to hear.

 

I just wish she would give me some explanation of why she "wanted to be single" yet seems to be with this guy now.

[Out to sea]

Hi Spatz, I agree 110% with GeeCee and Beec, you know nothing, in the grand scheme of things from her point of view this guy mean's Jack...., I know it hurts like hell but this is a seroious test for you, give up, panic, or whatever and you have failed the test, hang in there grit your teeth and stay stump and you are passing the test. It's that fu..ing simple.

 

Be it her test or your own it don't matter, this is where you act like you got a pair!! Pass this test and i guarentee you in a weeks time you will be so proud of yourself regardless of what's going on in her head.

 

It is a rare occurrence where someone breaks up with someone and will come back to that person, without at least showing some interest in other people first. It's all part of this thing we call life.

 

This is the reason why I tell people in this situation that for there own mental stability that it would be better to EXPECT the person to at least go out with a couple of people if only to get it out of there system.

 

Seriously Spatz, hang in there mate, this to you is soo crap but believe me it ain't half as bad as you are thinking right now.

 

Hope it helps some mate.

[spatzcolumbo]

I know that you are probably right, but i am worried for my ability to remain cool and calm in this situation.

 

I know that she has to get me out of her system or whatever, but i ahte the feeling. I hate the fact she is WITH someone. i am not the last person she was intimate with, ya know. Feels like i meant nothing to her.

 

So many things i don't understand.

 

I honestLY have no idea how i will react now...i hope i do not call her later, although if i am sticking to my same plan, the i just call her anyway because that was the plan - call her about meeting up on Saturday.

 

I am just not sure that i WANT to meet up on Saturday ifi KNOW she is with someone else.

 

Last week when we went to lunch, i was SO sure there was something there. I was so sure there was a look, a feeling, a 'something'. There was on my part. There was plenty of eye contact, and so on. I can not get it.

 

I pray to god it was not her, but i know in my heart and my head that it was

[GeeCee]

Damnit Spatz. You know what you have to do. You know. You CANNOT make contact with her now. You have seen her and she has seen you. My own personal belief is that if you bluff it now and call her as you had planned before the sighting, you will make her lose respect for you.

 

I disagree with Beec inasmuch as I do believe it that much harder to win back a lover when they are with someone new. However, get together a good plan and I also believe that nothing is impossible. I really do believe that. I speak from experience, I have a won a lover back when he had a new lover. And then I didn't want him!! Not a great thing to have done, but did it nevertheless.

 

Spatz - you can blow the whole thing up now. Or you can do what the rest of us have done - drink a bottle of JD, smoke yourself silly, drive your car too fast, shout, scream whatever the &^%^ it takes.

 

But don't make the call.

 

G xx

[spatzcolumbo]

I just broke down on the phone to mum. I am too bored of this crap now. Everyone on here gives great advice, and you know i have followed it right down to the last word pretty much. I set myself so many goals over the last 3 months, and i have achieved every one more or less. I have done so well. I got myself to a great point. I got myself into a situation i thought was excellent. I had her word that we would meet up this easter. I had several great messages over the last few weeks which made me have reason to hope. I was stupid to make this mistake. Stupid to give myself that hope. I was setting myself up for a fall. I tried so hard to EXPECT that she had a new guy, but was never able to actually make the final link...never able to actually 'see' it in my mind. I really did try. Instead, all i have to show for it is seeing it first hand, which has made me feel lower than i have felt since the day she ended things.

 

So many thoughts have run through my head. I never thought i would hit this point. It is through sheer bad luck that i saw her today. It is even worse luck that i could not be 100% sure it was her, even though i really know that it was.

 

Having gone nearly 4 months now since we split, i have played so many guessing games. I have seoncd guessed this, and second guessed that, and pondered over so much, and here is proof that it just wasn't worth it.

 

My no contact served no point in terms of making her miss me. She simply drifted into the arms of another guy. When we saw each other last week, there was the strain of not asking this point. Now i wish i had asked. it would have saved me my feelings today.

I am still unable to figure out how exactly she was 'scared about us getting so serious' and 'needed to be single', yet can then jump into a brand new relationship straight away. If he has been invited down for a week at Easter, i can assume that this has been going on for more than a few weeks.

 

With this in mind, i feel like seeing her, and getting angry. I feel like asking why exactly she feels she is able to do this. To play with people like this. To ask her whether she has told this guy that after a year, she will get scared, and drop him just like she has dropped all her other exes after almost exactly a year - year & 1/2. But what will this achieve?? nothing. I wil merely be exactly where i am now.

 

It seems unfair that i love her so much, and would do anything for her, yet she is happy as can be whilst i have so much pain still, even after 4 months.

 

I'm sick of it.

 

I am close to calling her now to be honest.

 

If not now then it will be tomorrow. I figure that my plan was to call today or tomorrow anyway...i am not going to change my plan just because i have seen her.

 

The only way in which the plan will change is in terms of what is said. And to be honest i don't think i will know that until we speak. if i find out it was her that i saw, then i will feel numb, and will have to try hard tohold my tongue. I am not sure i will then be able to ask her if she wants to hang out. I am not sure i could do that having seen them together today. My head and heart are not strong enough in the immediate future for that.

[GeeCee]

Spatz, your head and heart are not strong enough to withstand a conversation with her right now.

 

You have done all you can - you followed good advice. The truth of the matter is, as I have always believed NC will not force a person back to you if they do not want to come back. NC worked for KathyK, but not the strategy itself. Her ex wanted to come back.

 

At the moment, you do not know what your ex wants. If youc ontact her now, you blow your chances from slim to zero.

 

I won't lie Spatz. I think that it is going to be very difficult for you to win this woman back. You clearly have a lot of love for her. For whatever reason this is not reciprocated. Now you can refine your game and come at her from a different angle. And maybe, maybe, armed well, you can win her back. You have a very slim chance. Depends on how well you play the game, and the strength of your game plan. I stress, I do not think that this is going to be easy. You have very little hope - but there is hope nonetheless. However, if you make that call tonight or tomorrow, I think that you kiss away all chances. I am not suggesting that you live with unrealistic expectations. If she has moved on, then she has moved on. This is the point at which I disagree with Beec. It then becomes very difficult to win your ex back if they have moved on. But, equip yourself well, have realistic long and short-term expectations and nothing is impossible.

 

Will talk to you later.

 

Please stop yourself from calling. At least collect your thoughts, you are not THINKING STRAIGHT right now.

 

G xx

[dikaia880]

Hang in there spatz...Don't give up!!!

Calm down, no contact for awhile...then get back at it!

[spatzcolumbo]

I am just finding it too hard. I feel like i am towards the end of a very long road. I thought that the road was just starting to get easier to walk along - it was looking like i might be getting towards my destination, but now it seems i am even further away than before.

 

I just can not understand anything at the moment. I feel like if this IS the end of the road for me, then i may as well go out with a bang. If she is with someone else, then she has moved on. SHe is obviously happy in her life, and perfectly happy without me. This should tell me something.

 

I just find it hard, thats all. I honestly thought i would be with thie girl for the rest of my life.

[dikaia880]

I understand your frustrations...and your desire to throw it all down...I've wanted to do that daily for a long time now...I've come around the corner on that road and have seen that sign that makes you realize the road is that much longer than you ever thought....

I don't know, through all the hurt and confusion, I just keep walking...Maybe one day I won't be able to do it or maybe one day I find a nice cottage on the side of the road and it turns out to be a lot nicer than the one at my destination...I don't know, I don't know what to do, so for now I will do nothing....

 

Best of luck in whatever you decide to do...Keep us updated!

[determined]

Spatz mate, check out my situation. She started seeingthis loser before we even split up!!! I found by reading her texts when I had stayed over......not a great way I admit but hey, I needed to kill my curiosity and guess what.....it killed the god damn cat!

 

This is simply part of the inevitable Spatz, the only reason why I, until I found out and you, until you saw, were feeling it was kinda ok was becaise we didnt know, now you do. Now you feel sick, angry, hurt, tearful,m depressed, complete shock, jealous, violated, cheated and abused, this is going to flow through you for a while mate like it did me, and I still get the odd sting every now and again.

 

This is when I started the no contact, as this cr*p in my head needed to be shutdown and you can only do that by distancing yourself. So she has a new guy, ok, well why the hell would you want to be party to her while that is the case, you can't , you just can't it will destroy you like it did me and also any chances of her coming back after she's realised that this goon is just a spotty oik student. Keep away Spatz, I mean it for both your sakes, let the fool play himself out and if he doesn't you meet someone along the way.

 

It's harsh but I'm dating 3 girls right now and if all of them turned aropund called me every name and never saw me agin I'd be like "and...". That is harsh but in a twisted way is the only way I can get my confidence back...as Beec said...being a player. I've learnt that you can't practice this on your ex, I tried, I failed, you need to do this with randoms, and then the arrogance of being aloof comes natural, and I haven't seen action like this since I broke up nearly 6 months ago.

 

You need to chill and reason with your emotions, this was a fear you had, which I know from previous posts you flatly hid from but knew it, you knew it mate. If it wasn't her then it's becasue you are thinking it all the time subconsciously. Anyway, you stay away, you back off, you dont act mad, you just act like you don't care...right! Dont be a fool like me and think you can storm in there and lay down the law, becasue you'll end up being kicked out and a hole in your heart the size of a clowns pocket.

 

Get with your friends, stay close to them, I'm planning a trrip to Amsterdam with my buddies...do that, get active, get involved and get better becasue right now your a ill with heart ache and it is just going to get worse, I just wish I had know what I do now earlier which is you need to cut, move on, get better, get imporoved, get stronger, change (your hair,, your clothes whatever, better yourself, its your time now not Spatz and his ex, you).

 

Get up Spatz and fight or you'll be oinned down over this for ages and you'll find it harder and harder the longer this goes on. You'll be right mate, you just need to get yourself sorted before you can even think of getting her back....which unfortunately for me meant breaking other peoples hearts, but I work in advertising so this came almost a bit too easy.

[spatzcolumbo]

Thanks for the supportive words Dikaia.

 

How long have you been waiting and working??

 

For me it has come to be too long i think. This is the final straw, it is breaking me now. I have gone for 4 months since the breakup now, and this is the blow that has seemingly finished me off. I just don't think i am strong enough to get through it any more. One day at a time and all, but the days just take so long and it is all i am able to think of, now more than ever, after todays events.

 

Determined,

 

I've already done these things. remember, me and my ex have been split up nearly as long as you. I have done the changing my attitudes, my hair, my clothing, etc. I changed it all, mixed it up, did no contact, tweaked it to how it should be for my unique situation. And it got me no further on.

 

I just don't know any more.

[dikaia880]

Spatz...

It's been since the weekend before christmas..I don't know how long it ='s been I suppose three months now...I've never tried to count...

I spent the first month dealing with her constant calling, not knowing what to do about it...sometimes it was like old times, others I never really begged, but I kept saying in sad voice...I just don't understand is there someone else, what is it??? Then she got sick of that and we stopped talking for like three weeks...then I went to her home town...didn't call or nothin...called her friend to drop off her quilt for her...she was with my ex...after that my ex emailed me, asking if I was seeing someone, telling me she wasn't over me...I probably reacted to positively saying if you want to get back together thats what i want...yada yada yada...she comes back with I'm too busy to talk about the things we need to talk about, but be patient and we'll talk when we get a chance...Well two weeks of constant, and long conversations I told her we should talk about it...bad idea...we haven't talked as much since then, she gave me all the excuses she had in the beginning, and said that she didn't bring it up for whatever reason...she said she thought it was good we were building our friendship...oh but that her heart was still with me and that she wasn't over me...

So here I am about a month and a half after that call...I don't know what she thinks...I don't know if she's seeing someone...I don't know whether give up on the only girl i've ever said i wanted to be with for the rest of my life....or if I fight for what i want...I was hoping to see her this weekend as I will be in her town, but if you read my thread "Venting..." you'll hear the bad luck or bad fate of it all....

I wish I could tell you to keep fighting or to give up...but I can't even make that decision for myself, so I have no hope of helping you...

[spatzcolumbo]

For me it has been since 2 weeks before Christmas. 2 weeks before we were meant to go on holiday with her family for Christmas.

 

That is almost 4 months in all. And i am still lost. I have done everything 'by the book', done it all, and to get nowhere.

 

I am still trying to plan what i do next:

 

1) call her now and just ask her casually about it, adn pretty much give in

2) call her tomorrow and ask her about it, then mention about meeting up

3) call her tomorrow about meeting up but without mentioning this at all

4) call her and say if she is with someone else then i don't think i can be do with it

5) Call and see if she asks if it was me that she saw. IF she saw!!!

6) completely cut contact and try to just forget her, and move on (LEAST likely to happen)

[dikaia880]

Hey Spatz...In my case..I don't know what to do..but I do know this...If the day comes when I give up (IF!!!) I will definitely send a letter, not mean, harsh, or blameful...but getting my thoughts and feelings out and say best of luck in life...sorry it couldn't work...It would be closure to me...

Now as for you...I think we need to think of a way to find out about the guy (i.e. does she have a new guy,) I need to find this out for myself regarding my ex...

SO here's the question of the day...How do we find out, without asking our ex's? I don't know...

"""SIDEBAR""" so as I'm writing this...the ex calls me at work...Wow she called me for once...I'll finish on the conversation in my thread if you care."

It would be hard to find out if they have a new guy without us directly asking, which by the way doesn't seem to help either, because then you go "WELL wait a minute what if she's lying to me because she thinks i won't find out otherwise, and doesn't want to hurt me..." Our Minds sabatoge everything....that how it works and until we can stop the what if's it doesn't matter about the new guy...it's about getting our heads around the fact that we can't stop them from dating anyone...the only way we can do that is to win their hearts over...so they won't want another guy!!!

[spatzcolumbo]

Thats the problem with today - i have been trying for so long to admit that she MUST have a new guy (she is such an attractive, nice girl) but never really hit home until today that she DOES. Yes, it is possible it was my eyes playing tricks on me at a distance, but i really really doubt this.

 

Which means i already have that question answered. The next question thereforeeee is where i take it from here!!!

 

And i just don't know if i can / should take it from here, or whether it is just hopeless!!

 

Cheers

 

Spatz

[dikaia880]

Well,

it's up to you...can you keep on fighting? can you live with giving up on the girl you want? tough questions for sure, but ones that must be asked.

I'm ready to ask my ex, if she's happier without me...but I know that it would hurt my chances, not kill them mind you, but definitely hurt them...

You can always ask your ex something...anything you want, but you must realize that it will come down to are you willing to risk the chance at how much it may hurt your chances...

I can't tell you to give up or not...I'd rather not see you give up as our stories are so close...but every man must make decisions in his life, hopefully for the betterment of his soul and faith.