I can't fall in love...

[howdy]

Hello, I wasn't sure exactly where to post this. Seems I could've picked from 5 or so relevant categories.

 

Here's my dilemma...

 

I am re-dating someone. Someone I dated 10 years ago, lived together, engaged, all that. I was very young at the time (but legal), and he's 10 years older than me. We broke up, because of a fight. He was a heavy drinker, and asked me to go drinking with him and his friends. I didn't go, because I had to be to work the next morning. He came home that night drunk and wanting to argue, asked for the ring back. This fighting wasn't new to us, we argued constantly - always when he drank.

 

So, we break up. I get married not once, but twice. And divorced twice, with one child.

 

So, he and I start dating again. I remember being SO insanely in love with him years ago. We were "toxic" ... fighting but just couldn't leave each other. Turns out, he has been hung up on me for this entire time, not having any other solid relationships.

 

He tells me he's changed in these 10 years, no more partying or heavy drinking. I've learned this to not be true. We've had two falling outs, and both times he's called me in early morning drunk. He'd been out drinking. I do trust him, I don't think he's cheating on me while doing this, but is this his "coping" mechanism? Do you think he has a drinking problem or something? I thought he had changed, but I am very saddened that he has not. We used to argue when he was drunk 10 years ago. Now he calls drunk, but I refuse to take the bait. He doesn't drink really any other time, except when we've had these 2 fights.

 

 

Both of my marriages failed. The first because I didn't love him, and I left. I loved him at the beginning, or so I thought. But then we ended up like "buddies". The second, we were in the same boat. Not sexually active, but I stayed because we had a child together. He ended up leaving me for someone else. At first I was crushed, then realized I only wanted to fix this because of our child. I quickly realized that's no reason to stay with someone, and I walked away. He has since tried to come back, and I've denied him.

 

So, now my dilemma. I have been re-dating the first ex for almost 2 months. I'm feeling a lot of pressure to "become" something. He's completely in love with me, I have no doubts about that. But I'm not in love with him. At least I don't think I am. The only thing I can think of, is he scarred me so badly 10 years ago that I cannot love anymore. Becuase I've had 2 failed, loveless marraiges since him, right? Does that mean I'm incapable of falling in love ever again? And why do I "think" I'm in love at the beginning of a relationship, and then it fizzles.

 

And sex is a whole other issue. Basically, I don't care to do it. For the first week or so in a relationship it's all good. But now I really could care less about it. I don't orgasm during sex, so maybe I'm just not seeing "the point" or having it? I don't really know.

 

So, now the re-dater and I are having issues. We're possibly broken up, he says he can't love me anymore than he already does. He doesn't understand why I don't love him back. I tell myself that I really don't care, I have a toddler to raise and maybe I'll just be single my entire life. But, you and I both know that if I didn't care, I wouldn't be posting this, right? I do love him, I worry about how he will cope without me. But I don't think I'm IN love with him. Unless I'm just not seeing it....

[Ms Darcy]

Simple yet hard answers.

 

Stay broken up with the ex of 10 years. He scarred you and sometimes the memories never go away.

 

Go get some therapy and read some self help books on healing so that it can help you heal from your failed marriages.

 

The first part is straightforward. The second is a longer journey. It involves learning how to heal, to love yourself, to discover who you are and what you want, and to gain confidence in giving your heart to another again. Best of luck.

[howdy]

Ms Darcy, I took your advice. I broke it off with the ex today. I feel so broken, sad, and lonely. My daughter (who called him her "best friend") is a mess. I feel like I have brought her into this mess by letting him meet her, and now I am responsible. He is also crushed, but now I think he is mostly angry. I feel so much guilt. But I think you're right ... I cannot get over how badly he hurt me all those years ago. When we broke up, he said some hurtful things about how I was in the past, so I now realize he wasn't over the past either.

I am terrified that I'll never love again. That I am too broken for repair. What do I do now?

[howdy]

I forgot to ask...you mentioned some "self help" books...what book(s) have really helped you? Any suggestions?

 

And what do I tell my little girl? Her dad has left her, and now her "best friend" is gone. I thought I was doing the right thing by waiting to introduce them to each other, but it still blew up in my face. Now I'm a crying mess, my kid is a crying mess, and he hates me. Great.

[nina2009]

howdy, i also have two marriages, one child, do not orgasm, fall in love and then it evaporates. All these patterns are so familiar. After 30 I lost all sex drive completely. For 6 years I stopped feeling my gender. And then I fell in love with a woman and it feels great so far. Just sharing..

[howdy]

Thank you for the advice Nina2009. Who knows, maybe that is the path I am destined for? Only time will tell I guess.

[LisaJoyLove]

Hi there Howdy (almost said howdy there, lol) I can relate to your situation, my mother went through similar experiences when I was growing up. I somehow feel like she prayed me into existence because ever since my birth ( I am her only girl and the youngest of 3) I have done nothing but help her repair her life. I honestly feel like God has used me to help her heal. How? I dont know, that is something to do with the "other side" lol.

btw I believe in past lives..but that doesnt matter right now. I HIGHLY SUGGEST the most wonderful miracle working book I have ever read which has completely changed and transformed my life in ways that I could never fully describe. The book is called "Conversations with God" (wow, its so powerful I am starting to tear up) Its just miraculous how it has changed my perspective on life and who I am, and who we all are and meaning and purpose and understanding existence. There is also a movie about it...(which is how I heard of the book, everything in the store was either X-rated or Horror, and at the time all I needed was clarity from a higher source, if ya know what I mean? so the movie stuck out like a sore thumb). It was so emotionally fulfilling I bought the book (and many more of his), moved to Hawaii and now am back home to help my family and work on my own career (I am only 21 and still in school..) Anyways, the books are a whole series and there are several of books written by this life changing guy now. His name is Neale Donald Walsch, and one day after a lifetime of struggle and regret he started a conversatoin with God that completely restored and revolutionized his life, and millions in the world. It is in speech so plain anyone can understand, and the truths are so amazing, there is no way you cannot comprehend. I am sorry if I seem really fanatical right now, but I just CANNOT express enough how much this book has changed my life. Please go to your local bookstore or book exchange store and find it. You will be so glad that you did. Its a simple read and just magnificent. I promise you. He has a lot of other books now, seeing as his "conversation" was over 10 years ago. I care about you like I care about my mom, and if you were her, this is what I would suggest. Please try it, my God you will be blessed, I hope you choose to be! Good luck and thank you for your post!!

 

-Lisa Joy