Challenging myself

[chewy21]

See what's missing there? Nothing concrete. Just get life back to normal.

 

Hmmm... well, I'd see that getting back to normal as a springboard for moving forward with our life together, being free from the problems that kept us down before.

 

But what should be there, in your opinion? I don't ask to be argumentative, I just want to be able to see this from as many angles as possible.

[Seymore]

A child... yeah, she was very childish at times. So much so that I almost felt like her dad occasionally.

 

I definitely felt that with my ex.

[peterson5880]

Seymore and Chewy - I am in the same boat as you two guys. It sucks. As Chewy already knows, My ex and I were together for almost 4 years. We broke up back in October (he broke it with me because he was not happy because I was not the happy affectionate GF he had before) Since we broke up back then I got into therapy and made myself better. He on the other hand had to drink just to fall asleep and was sleeping on the floor of his friends place. We eventually got back together despite me knowing he was not in a good place (depressed, drinking, not really caring about anything anymore) but I think we both thought getting back together would solve that. ALAS, he broke up with me May 1st saying "I'm in love with you, I want to be with you but I am just an unhappy person, I don't want to love or be loved. I can't be considerate of anyone else's feeling right now. I wouldn't be doing this if I wasn't sure"

 

Thus leaving me heart broken. It's been 9 days of NC after I texted him to tell him to change his mailing address because I am moving. He simply replied with "Are you leaving California?" And I said "no" and he didn't text anything after.

 

I miss him and want to reconcile but he needs to get his life together because what he's doing to himself now is not the Man I deserve to be with. Not sure why I am rambling all this BUT it has been 9 days of NC and I will hopefully never look at his FB page because it causes nothing but pain.

 

We have to be strong and know what we truly deserve. We all deserve someone who loves us as fully as we love them. I know we may all want that with our exs, and maybe it will happen one day, but for now we need to make ourselves stronger and happier on our own because no matter what, if they come back and we aren't strong things will just crumble.

 

Stay strong. Power to the people! Or something like that.

[Seymore]

I think I'm in a much better frame of mind now than I was before. After I left my ex I was doing that - not caring what happened anymore, drinking every night. I got freaking sick of it. Sure I'm still depressed here and there, but if my ex had gotten better and came back, I damn sure wouldn't be the mess your ex was.

 

But power to the people!

[peterson5880]

Well, he's the one who did the dumping and he tells me "I don't deserve you" and is basically drowning in self pity and selfishness. I'm not sure he really knows how depressed he is or maybe he does since he did say he's just an unhappy person. I hope he gets sick of it and gets his act together.

[COtuner]

Hmmm... well, I'd see that getting back to normal as a springboard for moving forward with our life together, being free from the problems that kept us down before.

 

But what should be there, in your opinion? I don't ask to be argumentative, I just want to be able to see this from as many angles as possible.

 

One of the things I consistently asked my ex for was something more. I was unhappy after so much time just sitting there and nothing ever changed. I was getting very very BORED with the relationship, but to him the same old day to day stuff was all he paid attention to. Every day I was sitting there as expected. Until I wasn't.

 

I wanted to see some sort of plan to get to this magical future he kept talking about. But it never happened.

 

How is going back to the way things were before for the two of you going to inspire her to want to come back? It didn't work the first time, and if she has met all your criteria, she may not be interested in that anymore. The emotional and psychological state of a person can determine a lot about how they behave and what they want at a certain time in a relationship.

 

So all I am suggesting is to look at things not from a "getting back to where we were before it went off course" standpoint, but from a, "what should we do from a new beginning" standpoint. It's just food for thought, not advice.

[peterson5880]

I agree with COtuner - I think the only way to have a healthy reconcilliation is for both partners to grow during the break. If things are the same, then things will crumble again. Healing needs to occur and both individuals need to grow on their own and hopefully be able to come back together and start fresh with the old ways that caused problems being eliminated from the relationship.

[chewy21]

I see what you're saying, CT. Honestly, I haven't thought about how she would look at the situation. I assumed that if she wanted to come back, that she wouldn't think much about the future until later.

 

But the reason things would have to go back to the way they were (at least for a while) is because I need to finish school. She should want to do that too, but if she doesn't, then I wouldn't make her. But for me to finish would require going back to the town we lived in before (which I plan on doing alone anyway) until I graduate. Then, after saving up some money (or having some left from the time we spent apart) we'd move to Austin like we said we wanted to do.

 

So I dunno... it was a passing thought last night. I was out on the porch having a cigarette and thinking "Would I take her back if she called me tonight?" That's when I came up with the answer, and the things I would want to see from her. I don't know what she would want to see from me, but she would have the same chance I would have to let me know before we do get back together, so that we could be sure it was going to work this time.

 

Still, I don't see this happening anytime soon. Maybe in about a year, when she realizes that visits from this new guy is not going to be any kind of replacement for what she had in me. It will also be about that time when she realizes once again that she isn't happy with herself and starts to try and get help to get healthy again. But I don't know, and even though I hope she does call me one day and want to try again, I'm not going to live my life waiting for that day to come.

[Seymore]

I agree with COtuner - I think the only way to have a healthy reconcilliation is for both partners to grow during the break. If things are the same, then things will crumble again. Healing needs to occur and both individuals need to grow on their own and hopefully be able to come back together and start fresh with the old ways that caused problems being eliminated from the relationship.

 

Here's the problem, though: Where am I supposed to grow? I mean, my ex seemed to have issues but I don't know where I went wrong...I would ask her what had her so angry, she'd say she didn't know. I'd ask if it was something I did, she'd keep going: "I DON'T KNOW, I DON'T KNOW I DON'T KNOW!!!!" So I never knew if I was triggering something or what, because she just wouldn't talk about it.

 

The main thing I think I would fix, if anything, would be not setting boundaries and putting my foot down more, but I don't know what else I could have done because SHE didn't even know.

[Fan]

Got back Sunday been lazy and not read all the post yet! I will do later on! I hope everyone is slightly better from last time we spoke.

 

I got the mumps so I'm signed off work for 8 days, now these days are going to be lonely, I have missed her I'll admit it, thought about her a few times when being on holiday as soon as I got back I looked at her small facebook picture even saw a picture of her new boyfriend, the good thing is I laughed then tutted when I saw him a typical bouncer. I'm starting to feel more bitter towards her and starting to slowly dislike her, I think I'm moving onto that next step at last! I can't stand being at home a the moment the good thing is I'm going away again in August on a one way ticket to do some work aboard.

[chewy21]

Here's the problem, though: Where am I supposed to grow? I mean, my ex seemed to have issues but I don't know where I went wrong...I would ask her what had her so angry, she'd say she didn't know. I'd ask if it was something I did, she'd keep going: "I DON'T KNOW, I DON'T KNOW I DON'T KNOW!!!!" So I never knew if I was triggering something or what, because she just wouldn't talk about it.

 

The main thing I think I would fix, if anything, would be not setting boundaries and putting my foot down more, but I don't know what else I could have done because SHE didn't even know.

 

I can relate so much, Seymore.

 

I've gone over what I might have done so many times. All I can blame myself for is maybe obsessing over getting her healthy. But that was something we both wanted. We both needed it, actually.

 

Other than that, I don't know what I did, if anything, because she was the same way. She would just tell me that I did nothing wrong. I haven't had the chance to ask her why she was able to move on from me so quickly. Usually that speaks to issues with the person they were in a relationship with. So if she had issues with me, then I have no idea what they were. I think I was a supportive and loving partner, and I don't know what else I could have done, or what I would work on besides getting myself out of debt and on the right track to my career.

[chewy21]

Hey Fan! Hope you had a good holiday.

 

Sorry to hear you've come down with the mumps. Being alone in the house all day can be hard. I do it every day, since I work from here and from 7AM to 5PM, I'm alone. That's why I come here at various points throughout the day. Not only does it replicate the comraderie of a workplace, it also helps that the people here are all going through what I am, in some form.

 

It sounds like you got something you needed from checking her facebook. What I would do now is use this newfound resolve to delete her from your facebook so you won't be tempted anymore. I'm glad you feel like you're moving on, and everyone here is on your side.

[peterson5880]

Seymore -

 

When I say you can grow too I just mean, heal from what's happening and do all you can do to make your self healthy which in essence is a way to grow. Whether we have problems or things we need to fix or not I think everyone can grow and learn and become better people. I'm sure you're a great guy and she sounds like she's just not sure of what she wants because of her mental state. So she needs to get better and grow for herself and for you. And you need this time to realize - this is not about you, you did nothing wrong therefore it's out of your hands. But you can do everything in your power to get back to feeling good even if it's without her for now.

[Seymore]

Thanks, Peterson. I'm actualy feeling better than I have in a while. Once I heard she was moving 30 miles away I felt like I had my personal space/my playground back again.

[peterson5880]

Space Def helps, I sometimes wish my ex would move back to Texas because just knowing he's in my city makes me always keep an eye out when I'm in his area. I actually went to a club last Saturday that he wouldn't go to (or so I think) but it was in his neighbor hood and I just dreaded seeing him - though I did look spectacular if I do say so myself - but I didn't so another crisis averted.

[COtuner]

Ah but you see, chewy, that's where guys make mistakes. You didn't think how she might view things, if she's all healed and happy. Plus you're focused on the very logical side of things, "I must do this to get this". What really makes a difference is interactions with people. Simply saying, "when I'm done with this, we'll do this" really isn't enough. What will you be like as a couple? You can't go back to the way things were. There would be trust issues, eggshells to walk on, she may not even want the person you are now that she would be seeing life differently.

 

My ex talked marriage for 5 years. At first that was exciting but when I saw zero change in our relationship... I first doubted, then gave up. I told him I felt like he'd already made the decision so now he treated me like a wife and stopped courting me, stopped wanting to be with me, stopped almost everything. Didn't give a good gosh darn about a ring in my future - I wanted the boyfriend in the here and now. He could keep his checklist. He had this whole mental image and little things he was doing on his own, but I was not a part of it. I wasn't feeling like we were going anywhere together. That was a primary start to our downfall 3 years ago - that's when the fights started.

 

What would be your core issue in this new potential future? How do you avoid her just waiting for you to be finished with your checklist? Do you see what I mean?

[COtuner]

Sounds like you're healing a bit, Fan, good for you Just be prepared for backslides, but it sounds like you're keeping good and busy. That's what is really helping me. I've thrown myself into work to a degree I haven't done in about 3 years. Feels good - giving work to a workaholic is not enabling in this instance, it's helping.

[COtuner]

Space Def helps, I sometimes wish my ex would move back to Texas because just knowing he's in my city makes me always keep an eye out when I'm in his area. I actually went to a club last Saturday that he wouldn't go to (or so I think) but it was in his neighbor hood and I just dreaded seeing him - though I did look spectacular if I do say so myself - but I didn't so another crisis averted.

 

LOL I keep hoping I'll not run into my ex until I'm out looking completely smashing with a really handsome man. Of course that will never happen.

[chewy21]

What will you be like as a couple? You can't go back to the way things were. There would be trust issues, eggshells to walk on, she may not even want the person you are now that she would be seeing life differently.

 

That's something I couldn't possibly know until we started talking again. Why worry about it when I don't know any specifics? All I know is how I feel about the situation, and what it would take for me to take her back. If she has some stipulations of her own, then that's something to be worked out on her end, and for me to find out if this hypothetical situation ever comes to pass.

 

My ex talked marriage for 5 years. At first that was exciting but when I saw zero change in our relationship... I first doubted, then gave up. I told him I felt like he'd already made the decision so now he treated me like a wife and stopped courting me, stopped wanting to be with me, stopped almost everything. Didn't give a good gosh darn about a ring in my future - I wanted the boyfriend in the here and now. He could keep his checklist. He had this whole mental image and little things he was doing on his own, but I was not a part of it. I wasn't feeling like we were going anywhere together. That was a primary start to our downfall 3 years ago - that's when the fights started.

 

I can understand your frustration.

 

Personally, my marriage talk wasn't just sweet promises and wishful thinking. I gave her an engagement ring back in September. Aside from that, we both agreed a while before that that we were married to each other as far as commitment goes. The ring and the ceremony were for our families, as they didn't recognize our union until the "traditional" trappings were in place. I asked her several times before this how she felt about getting married, and every time she said that as far as she was concerned, we were already married, and didn't need a piece of paper to confirm it. I felt the same way.

 

Part of the problem, I know, was the financial hole I was in. I won't go into detail here because it would take several pages to explain everything. I'm working now to get myself a fresh start.

 

I tried making her a part of everything I did. However, with her depression being what it was, it would usually just stress her out or frustrate her to talk about what we were doing to move forward. She just expected it to happen, so I took it upon myself to get us both going.

 

What would be your core issue in this new potential future? How do you avoid her just waiting for you to be finished with your checklist? Do you see what I mean?

 

I do see what you mean, but I'm not clear on what "core issue" means. Like, what would I want to work on the most? Where would we be headed? What issue of hers would I most want to solve or fix?

 

Like I said, I think her depression was a key factor in her lack of involvement with the planning that went into our future. With that out of the way, I think she would take a more proactive stance regarding planning and career choices. She wouldn't simply be waiting for me to finish my checklist, because she would have her own. That's something she never had before... she just kind of drifted through life not knowing what she should do, or even really what she wanted to do. She could dream the biggest dreams, but once it came down to working out a way to realize those dreams, she would just shut down.

 

Again, I think this is something that would have to be re-evaluated if we ever did decide to give it another go. That ball is entirely in her court, though, and there's nothing I can do about it until she decides that might be something she wants.

[Seymore]

I had that thought a while ago. Like - we all change. What if in 5 years my ex not only is better, but passed the maturity point (I think her age had something to do with her immaturity as well)? Obviously what she would want might be a little different, and what I want would, too. But if she got better and could actually communicate what her issues with me were, I'd totally work on them, provided they were reasonable. Not "Stop seeing your family altogether" or "I want a mansion and a yacht". I just never knew what those issues were. All I knew was wrong (and she told me AFTER I left her) was that she hated that I was close with my family. I stopped seeing them as often because she wanted more of my time. But it didn't matter because she was jealous anyway. And the thing is - EVERYONE in my family bent over backwards to make her feel welcome.

[Effervescent]

All this hypothetical thinking is part of the healing process. A few weeks ago, I still felt that if we both changed and got our acts together, we could get back together in the future. However, I know now that that's not plausible. I know it would take YEARS for any sort of significant change to occur and A LOT can change in a few years. You, yourself may not be the same person anymore. What you want now and what you want five years from now will be very different. On top of that, even if our exes do get their act together, who's to say that they'll want to be with us then? I've gone through all the scenarios in my head. If my ex were to denounce his faith and call me to get back together tmr, would I say yes? The answer is a very clear NO. The only way I would want him back is for him to change into a totally different person and I know he would be the same, because it hasn't been long enough.

 

The breakup made me realize some very big red flags in our relationship that I ignored for a really long time. My ex broke up with me for a stupid reason, but now in retrospect, I'm glad he did. It made me realize how flawed our relationship was and how much work we'd have to do to make it work. He wasn't willing, or able to put in the work necessary.

 

Our relationship was always based on the past. Our future was very unclear. My ex and I lived in different cities and it would continue at least for another three years, while I finished law school. Thinking about it now, I was an idiot to think that it would survive that.

 

Try not to dwell too much on these thoughts of reconciliation, or it'll prevent you from moving on. Relationships always end for a reason and unfortunately, sometimes you don't know all of the reasons. If our exes come back to us in the future, we can worry about it then, but in the meantime, assume that they won't. That's the only way you'll heal.

[Seymore]

Never say never, but at least be reasonable about it - that's the mentality I have. The way I see it, if a meteorite can fall out of the sky and hit a kid in Europe, there's always a chance.

[COtuner]

Never say never, but at least be reasonable about it - that's the mentality I have. The way I see it, if a meteorite can fall out of the sky and hit a kid in Europe, there's always a chance.

 

 

There's a couple billion people on the planet, really not THAT hard to hit someone since they fall into houses periodically

[Seymore]

You know what I mean, silly.

[COtuner]

Yeah, I'm having a super day so I am being a bit silly. I think in a couple days I will crash back down again but for now I'm enjoying the fun. Maybe someone "up there" thought I needed a little break.